Its great, I have 4 days off now, then a Monday off following New Year's, so that means I won't have any full weeks of work for another 3 weeks. This has been challenging, and I guess I have to tell you what has dawned on me this Thursday night. I have been thinking about people all my life, and how they are, and how I see them.
Now, as I sit here, I'm thinking that most, if not all, of these people I work with are very poor. I think of money and status way too much, but it has got me to thinking. Most of my life, was challenging, just to secure enough income to survive. Now I see how that came about. I was not given, and even had taken away from me, by my FOO, all the instincts, and survival skills that are necessary to live in the world. My relationships have been challenging, even now, but, the job thing? Come on, this job a trained monkey can do. And I have to listen at break time how the other employees are always talking of ragging down a rack properly, throwing the junk out, all like its the most important things in the world. I want to and maybe I should feel sorry for them, but I don't.
The way they talk, these people act like they arrived late home from the party, and realized they had better pull something together and try to get a job. None of these people, from what I can see, have a stable income. This minimum wage salary and benefits they have to pay for, are all they have. I mean of their own, otherwise they have stable mums and dads who will secure them, babysit for them, do anything for them, so I wonder, what happened to them? Why are they so poor? What is their story?
I know some kids in high school were very mean. They would not do their homework, they spent their lives in a party, fighting with their parents over it, and just never did they ever care. Of course, there were some kids, who did their homework, but not smart enough to capture the teacher's attention, and they weren't special. I know a woman like that, she is my age, I went to high school with her, now she is working for a large retail outlet, she had a good upbringing, just not all that much smart in school. But at least she did find a husband who brings in the breadwinning paycheck, and all she does is the best she can do.
Lots of women are like that. Just bring home something, but not here. These are the breadwinning paychecks of these men, these women, and they rely on mum and dad to pick up the slack. Now its Christmastime and they are still talking about partying it up. I try to glance a peek at them, one single mom spends a lot of money at the restaurant, always gets take out food at lunch, but had no money? Hello, I've been there, but I don't know why I'm talking about this.
Just to be fair there are two immigrants who have no other way to earn a living. One I know, who I talk to all the time is married to a man who can't or won't get a job. They are going to be out on the street soon.
This might offend a few people reading this, and I can't help it. I had to pawn my kids Disney movies to buy milk, there was no mum and dad. Sure my mother came over, but only to call me a loser, there were no words of support.
What do you think, am I working with a pack of wolves in sheep's clothing?
And now I sit here realizing that I am being bullied at work. No kidding, if these are the same gin runner's I had to deal with in high school, then its no wonder.
Are these younger people? People can't get good jobs anymore especially Gen X and millennials. I knew 50 year old's [Gen X] dependent on Mom in my old rural town. I think people with limited prospects [LOL know I sound like Jane Austin here] kind of throw in the towel. Some give up, some never had hope in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI sound like a snob talking with Aspie friends, I have said to them, "Why can't I find poor friends I relate to?" How come there seems to be so few like me. I'm too broke for the Richy Riches. Champagne, art museum, neo-victorian tastes on a hillbilly budget, now that's a bad crack to slide through in my case. Sheesh. Being poor myself, I have had to be careful of my own prejudices, about poor people but even in my state, the very poor almost have a different dialect [yes I am talking among whites] and I can't understand a word they say and that's a problem for a hearing impaired person. A lot of "low brow" interests don't appeal to me. It's almost a curse to have a brain and cultural tastes made for 6 figures when you are living on just above homeless pay.
Middle class and upper middle class women don't understand poor me, but then I haven't successfully entered the world of the fellow poors. What's the difference? Some have told me education but does education and previous class markers form that much of a chasm? There's more educated young people becoming poor. It's even ironic my husband makes his money from "intellectual labor". Did anyone 50 years go imagine that someone who made money with their MIND would be poor?
I don't like when people make assumptions about me so I have to be careful on the other end, but some of the low wage jobs I had, I too felt like a fish out of water. I've been on the factory floors and have cleaned toilets and done all sorts of jobs. People around me with different value systems and just different out looks on life. I was kind of screwed over, being prepared for success and a middle class life that was never going to happen, imagining newer cars and peaceful paper-pushing or teaching jobs with order to them all.
I noticed among the poor, some different values, in that some could live at home into very old ages. People didn't move away for careers. Cousin Mary and Bobby all helped with grandma and no one ever seemed to be alone or just one person or a couple alone in an apartment.
So some things about them were better. Yeah I slide through the cracks. I notice in America, all the groups seem to relate to one another. I'm lost kind of floating around.
Thank you for understanding. Its just that I don't fit into these poor groups either. I don't even know what kind of jobs are out there and I won't even try looking into the areas I'm educated in, because I'm an ACON. The same thing happens to me everywhere. I just don't know how these people I work with can just stay there working at minimum wage, when they can rise to the top here. I can't. If I be them, I wouldn't be here trying.
ReplyDeleteBut I guess everyone has there own reasons. They are of all ages. Lots are single and just holding down an apartment. Some are single mothers doing that too. Couple of the men here are given better positions here, and I personally don't see why they don't get something better. They complain about poverty, like they are walking a highwire, and they have a huge safety net. I've never had the safety net. Seems to me that they have it made.
On the other hand I fit into my quilting guild quite nicely. So I don't get that either.
Thank you for listening. Life is so confusing. I worry about being a woman with no income of my own either. I wouldn't stay here in this job, I just want to get better. There are like no options for me.
Yeah I don't either. I have kind of given up on "fitting in" anywhere. I would be okay just being me and letting others be them but for some reason matching everyone else seems to be something society demands. With jobs, I know one thing what is out there is not what the schools say is out there. Schools and colleges try to make the work world look like an interesting world full of challenging but interesting work, when most work and jobs is boring grunt work. Teaching had interest to me and some creativity to it and even cooking but most jobs, just DON'T.
DeleteWell the ones with parents supporting them have a huge safety net but most of them don't. Some know if they piss off mother or father, the street could await. It's scary living on minimum wage, there's always emergencies you can't handle like needing a car repair. It grinds people down. I know it has me.
I am glad you did agree with my suggested process of disagreeing with some and building it up. I agree about life being confusing.
The cat was jumping on my bed in the middle of the night and meowed like crazy. Husband is on nightshift. Then at that precise moment I realized something. All those things I am to do what my worker told me I could do it right then and there. If I was faced with the supervisor, I could do it. And even now in this environment of home, I do have the guts to do it. And not second guess that they are not going to like it. I won't even care about that. But I know once I get to work, my feelings all change. I'm a loser over there, lol.
ReplyDeleteI know the people who work for minimum wage do have many hardships. Just that I see them live so easily, I want to bop them in the nose.
Then I look at my cat. He has a lot of problems. He has deformed claws, sucks on things, and he was raised without a mother cat. If he were to behave like a normal cat, I would be surprised. I can't really train him. This is the way it is. If only I could talk to him and make him understand "proper" cat behaviour. I don't think many people could like this cat. He is not graceful, adorable, or even independent. As a cat, he is missing a lot.
Your right, most work is boring grunt work. But lets just say that if I ever did have to work, could I? Right now, it don't seem like I can. In fact, even the minimum wage job is not working out for me. Sooner or later, they will get rid of me. Even if I didn't say anything. And all the others will still work for minimum wage, and get the better jobs.
As a matter of fact, I'm sure they would have gotten rid of me by now. But I got hired on there through disability, and if they make any reference to my disability being the problem, in my country, the hammer will come down hard on them. Its like they are stuck with me, and forcing me to quit. I've seen this at many jobs I was at. They were able to fire me, I didn't carry the disability card, now I do. Now the game is more tricky. More covert, shall we say?
ReplyDeleteThese people are puzzling sounding. I often feel puzzled by the people around me. When I'm feeling low, I feel like it means something is wrong with me and when I'm feeling not so low, I wonder if something is wrong with them. Maybe looking for the wrong is the problem, but I just don't understand how most people operate - what they do makes no sense to me. I read once that people who are raised in abusive families can have a lifelong feeling of "what's wrong with me?" and always feeling alienated. Seems to be true in my case anyway. It's like - I feel like, I'm not a normal human, but at the same time I feel like, if that's normal, forget it!
ReplyDeleteYes, anon, I feel the same way too. If I could help anyone I would. Everyone who sees me being mistreated are just glad they are not. It would drive me crazy to watch someone being tormented this way. Right now, I feel like something is wrong with me. Otherwise why am I being treated this way. And I can't seem to muster the guts to go at them for different tasks. But I will have to find a way. Maybe they will say to me that I'm not doing the rolling good and fast enough, then I can say, then oh well, I do have job coaches available. But something in my mind is stopping me.
ReplyDeletePeople have always puzzled me. My doctor wants me to go for more cancer tests, and I swear I could see her smirking. I was triggered by it! I think confusion is gotta be the worst torture. But I have to tell everyone here that this is not a blog about poverty, this blog is about child abuse, and the after affects. Poverty is an after affect, yes, but only one.
I'm kind of glad you brought this up. This might not be a direct connection but it is close. I've had problems over the years with acon men versus acon women. The women seem to get back on an even keel depending on their husbands job, but the men are still expected to deal with shitty parents AND hold down a good job. Women seem to sit at home and vomit bile about their mother while the man has to get up and brings home the Bacon. I guess I am a bit jealous but women seem to sit around and issue platitudes about finding your way out of a dysfunctional up bringing while men just need to suck it up and bring home a check. Maybe I should read your blog closer but I don't remember you being treated for cancer. I had a come to Jesus health problem of my own and I had to sit there for a minute or two when I heard the news. Here is a clip that does a good job relating the experience.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjV2QSdEYGY
ACON women sometimes can make it financially if the man of the house has a good job but what if he doesn't? Yeah both of us stink at making money. My husband isn't technically an ACON but probably bordered on the neglect thing with a schizophrenic mother. It's true men usually have to suck it up while women can escape via being housewives or at home mothers. The work world is a crap hole. Feminism celebrates it as a bastion of freedom, hell there's nothing more totalitarian then today's work world and I ask myself "are you joking?" It's true a man is expected to "produce" and if they don't it's hard. I know disabled men are treated worse then disabled women in a way.
DeleteI think your husband does the best he can given a schizophrenic mother upbringing. We kinda all have to raise ourselves. I don't think we struggle with self confidence, I think we struggle with just wondering what that means, it has to be taught, at an early age, but a loving parent. And the work world is a crap hole. It is not freedom. 8 hours of being told what to do, quotas, this is almost 2017 and feminism has not freed me yet, not to mention I still have the household tasks to take care of. But now the husband is told to help around the house. To tell the truth, I don't like it when he helps. I hate his cooking, shhh.lol
DeleteI know men have it worse. ACON men I can't even imagine, will have to suck up this job, and just do it.
While we know schizophrenia is a legit mental illness, and schizophrenics carry a huge load, this will be hard on their families as well.
DeleteNo, I wasn't treated for cancer. Just my doctor wants me to always go for tests of some kind, and there is nothing wrong. I want my ecxema treated, and I went to my doctor and was put on a heart monitor, EKG, the whole bit. I don't know why she does this. Sorry for the confusion.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know what your talking about with the acon men vesus acon women. It would come down to it, if I was a man just having to work for a living, I would have to. Plain and simple. And be put down to do the jobs, the worst jobs, for just being an acon. I think I wanted to make that point. Just if there is a way we can make it a little easier. I was a little ashamed for not having to do this, and doing it, just because. But what if my husband were to leave me tomorrow, I'd have to find a way. And if I did, I'd be doing whatever crap they gave me to do. To earn that paycheck.
I must say it is very humiliating to be treated like a lesser than by the people surrounding me. And I know I got crabby over it, but this is a blog, the place for it. I may have offended a few people, as I directly dealt with my feelings, and some of what came up was terrible. But it was painful, and hard, and I couldn't do it easily. It brings up memories of high school, and I'm with the "cool" kids now, and how I saw them back then. Part of me is saying, "good for you" while I know it is offensive. In all likelihood, I'll be blogging soon on more of that. My goal here is to be authentic, and that means dealing with the hard stuff.
I had to do all sorts of really bad jobs to make a living. Sometimes I thought I would die. There's something about me where I never fit well into the job world and taking orders and being there, with my emotions cleaned off my face and the energy was never there. I faked my way through because it was do that or starve. I repressed so many emotions too to do it but that can take a toll as well, health wise.
DeleteI understand the being treated like a lesser by people surrounding. It seems everytime I am in a "group" I became nothing. Is this a common ACON experience. I actually in life, never wanted GROUPS of Friends [online it's okay] but only one on one. Somehow I ended up low man on the totem pole.
Oh you probably witnessed the high school crap never ending at that work place. The cool kids earn the real money and schmooze their way up and here they told me having brains and good grades would pave my way, what a joke that was.
This is why I think we were destined to die. And yeah, the work world is full of repressing my emotions, not feeling, feeling crappy, feeling just horrible all the time. Of course, I fake my day away too, never talking to much people, just to do work.
DeleteAnd this is all in a small company, a thrift store with a handful of people working. I'm not playing with the big boys here.
I never wanted a huge bunch of friends either. For me, its tiring just having one. Regular phone calls, keeping up, and I can barely keep my blog going. I never run out of things to talk about, but just run out of steam.
Men are already supposed to suck it up and not complain. But I have noticed very few blogs are run by or for men. Which makes me wonder why so many guys become fixtures on forums and blogs by women and then use the opportunity to white knight women who live thousands of miles from them. The logistics of them getting laid means they won't, but put a girl amongst them they still revert back to the emotional intelligence of a kid in a junior high. I ain't mentioning any names but there was some guy on the beaver pelts blog that derided me to hell and back and I gently reminded him that when it comes to a mans opinion that the blog in question would be the first to kick him to the curb. This may be obvious but I would do what the doctors want. I have been in bad health for years when it was unnecessary and eventually shut me down like burned out light bulb. My labs had been out of whack for years and I didn't follow up on anything. I was told a couple of years ago I had two years to live. But that mark came and went. And I am still here to bore the masses.
ReplyDeleteThere's very few ACON blogs by men. I also have noticed while women have endless medical disease forums and blogs, men don't talk about that stuff either. It is an interesting culture phenomenon. I can see younger men complaining about life and getting real on corners of Reddit but in the blog and forum world, they are more silent. Some of the blogs and websites, have the attitude that no man's opinions count, they are mega-feminist types, hear me roar, I got the bacon etc.
DeleteI'm glad you proved that doctor wrong. And stayed alive. But I have to get a heart thingy put on me that will monitor my heart for 24 hours. My panic attacks are registering on the heart monitor and I have palpitations. Gee, I've had heart palpitations as a child, and I thought I was dying of cancer at 5 years old.
ReplyDeleteI would never kick your opinions to the curb. It is important as a level of feedback, for I can't know or even learn everything on my own. I know how it is. Feminism should have never just allowed us to treat men badly.
Hope your heart is okay. One thing with panic REAL MEDICAL disorders can cause it. I had the medical revelation that a COPD lung medicine also dropped by panic attacks by quite a bit. The not being able to breathe thing was sending my emotions into a bad place. Have them check your magnesium levels too.
DeleteThe cardiologist says he is sure its my anxiety causing it. They are going to be checking my thyroid as well. Just to be sure. Do you all have heart palpitations? I've always had them. To me, they are just a reminder to just breathe. And maybe when I'm not thinking clearly and just reacting to everything and everyone around me, they come again (palpitations) to remind me what I'm doing. So I took it to mean they are to remind me to breathe.
DeleteI can imagine not being able to breathe would send anyone in a panic. I hope they have found the right medicine that works.