You know I'm having a tough time with being assertive, and on the job, even a job that I don't care about. I wonder why? It makes no sense. I have a very good worker through voc rehab, who is setting forth the challenge for me, all layed out, just what to say, and do, and still I remain locked into a dread, a fear that I tend to call the locked in kind. I would like to talk more about the job, and the people there.
I don't know how they manage. A lot of them have been there for a very long time, and even seem to like it. Sometimes I think it is only me who feels this way. I hear the yelling all the time, usually that is to move production through, but its insane. But this is how I feel, right? And my feelings are valid. But maybe I want something that is less physically demanding, no quotas, and that is not this place. I don't know.
I get there early so I can eat my cold toasted bagel and drink my coffee. There is at least one person I won't talk to anymore. From the beginning she proceeded to give me a hard time, she is an employee and not a supervisor. But she seems to have a lot of say in what goes on around there, I don't know, but maybe it is just me she doesn't like. She has nailed me for everyone of the mistakes I had made, and even told it to the supervisors. One time I was having coffee on the floor, oh no, not supposed to do that, it is against the rules, she went and told the supervisors. Problem is, I didn't remember any such rules, and I know I read them well. I don't want to break any. She came back after her report to tell me that drinking coffee was ok. Alright, but I didn't need her help, I really didn't, but I guess I was supposed to be grateful she blabbed on me and tried to get me in trouble. I'm sure she tried. How do I know that? Well, there are some other things.
I used to do a few jobs around there. And one day I was pulled out to do the one job. When I realized I was only doing one job all the time, I stopped and went to do a job I was doing previously. Then I had a woman get on my back about it. I don't remember exactly what she said, I think I pretended not to listen, she was not a supervisor. She then went away and came back and told me what the supervisor told her. That I was to go back to the rolling only. That what what the supervisor told her. That is what she told me. I said, I didn't understand, I wanted to do this job too. She went away and came back with the supervior, and she told me again in front of the supervisor what she had previously said. The supervisor never said a word, just nodded with her in agreement.
A few weeks later we had someone from another department to help us. That same person who made the supervisor "tell me" that I was only supposed to roll, told this new lady that she could help out with other tasks, that it was too hard to roll the racks all day. Then I even watched as she went to the supervisor and told the supervisor that. The supervisor said, "of course".
I'm trying to tell you what happened in detail here, without putting my own judgement in. You can see it can you?
She is off on holidays this week. The dynamics have all changed now. I'm back to doing several jobs, now, but only out of necessity, there is not a lot of people working here. But it's only Monday, so we'll see.
It seems like your vocational worker is asking you to do some simple thing - that it's simple because "normal people" do it all the time. But when you've been raised by MN's the most terrifying thing on earth is standing up for yourself - going against those in charge, speaking up - I mean, hell I can't even bring myself to write comments except as anonymous. Too scary! The vocational worker is asking you to do something that feels like putting your life at risk - well that's how it would feel to me. If you ask any "normal person" to do something that feels life threatening to them, they'll have trouble doing it too! I think you're getting treated crappy at work and I think the supervisors are inconsistent and I think this person on holiday is a jerk, a bully, maybe an MN, who knows, but definitely an a**hole, and I think you are being asked to do something that is really really dangerous feeling for an ACON - confront people in charge, people who are treating you crappy. It makes sense to me that youf eel like that, even though you do'nt care about the job. That doesn't matter - your brain doesn't care about that, all it knows is that it's being asked to do something life threatening. I wonder if there's some kind of practice you can get with your vocational worker - some small step to take instead of just going out there and doing something as difficult as demanding proper treatment from someone in charge who treats you crappy - I mean, that's so much like EVERYTHING YOUR'E NOT SUPPOSED TO DO as a child of an MN. It is a LOT to ask of you. Maybe you could get practice being assertive first, by asking your voc worker to help you find some baby steps to take?
ReplyDeleteThanks anon. I was thinking that too. She must have other clients in the same boat as me. They are actually able to pinpoint the problem. When I was in therapy, they did a SUDS rating. I can't remember what the acronym means, but you gauge things on the SUDS scale. If it is a 7 out of ten, then its doable.
ReplyDeleteBut I stopped the counselling when I felt that I was unable to accomplish anything further. It seems the rules of counselling are that you follow the program or your out. I struggled with it. I wasn't kicked out, but I kinda lied and said I was all fine. You see, I was in contact with mother at the time, and it was impossible.
I agree it feels risky. I experience this physical feeling at the thought of even trying what my worker says. And this company I work for is all about the money, they don't care about anything else. That is what I think about when I think about trying to be more assertive, they only care about the money. So I am going to try to get a different job, and try this stuff. I didn't know what my problem was and my vulnerabilities showed, and I was an easy target, not next time. And soon. You can say what you want to about Christmas, but it seems to bring a certain jolly spirit, relatively, and I have a feeling this place will get very dark soon.
But don't worry about posting as anonymous, its not a big deal around here.
I would try and take small steps in standing up for yourself. One day decide you are going to disagree with someone. Make it something small, like when they say "Yum my cheese sandwich tastes great", say "I don't like cheese" [LOL I like cheese but this an example or when they say Trudeau is a great prime minister, say "I don't think he is". In work situation, when they complain, speak up and say, "I did do the work", or "Is it your job to be supervising me"? I go silent too often when people insult or bug me. I think they keep pushing, I always think I can wiggle my way out of a confrontation, but it will happen eventually.
ReplyDeleteThough in my case when pushed to a certain point, I got a big mouth, which always kind of shocks people but that can cause troubles of it's own kind. I called a boss once a bitch. I got sent to the principal's office more types then a shy Aspie usually probably should have been. I get that problem of being too quiet too long and then lowering the boom, and then the narc will playing martyr, and I'm screwed in the eyes of others.
Lol, I sure wanted to this morning. The supervisor wanted something done this way, and when I did it that way, it wasn't good enough. I wanted to ask her if she was clusterfucking with me. Lol. Sorry. But I do want to do that too. I think we can use the aggression, I'm not sure why. It's interesting. I can completely "lose it" on someone. I think my worker picked up on this trait in me. She told me to remember who was working for who, and to keep that always in my mind. But to expect to be respected, and expect to rise to the top, and ask for it. To use temperance and be assertive, is a priceless thing our Nparents took away from us. To say, "No, you will not take advantage of me, I am a person too." And to do so with maintaining all of our personal values, is so hard.
ReplyDeleteAnd to be very direct too. We don't give the other person any room to swing it around. You know, I was rather passive aggressive on a job one time, it didn't get me anywhere. Of course, I knew who and who not to disagree with. Its a good way to take those baby steps. But I think I will have to go see my worker soon. She must have a way of dealing with this. Thanks Peeps.
I think Peeps advice is excellent and if your worker is as smart as Peep (but what are the chances) then she may tell you the exact same thing. Decide to just disagree with someone at work that you like, someone who is nice and isn't trying to mess with you, just once a day, over something inconsequential. It might be really easy and that makes it a simple baby step. Or it might be difficult and it will be a challenging baby step. Do that for a week or so. Every time you do it, give yourself a big pat on the back - I'd love to hear about it, come and tell us! And if it starts to feel easy, then move up to disagreeing about something inconsequential with someone who's a jerk or who is your boss or who is both. That might take a lot of practice, but that's something you might want to do, once a day, and see how long it takes before it doesn't make you uncomfortable. And then once you get comfortable with that, when someone does something that you know is not right, you can try saying something about it, not trying to make everything right, but just making an observation. And slowly work your way toward really standing up for yourself. Giving yourself tons of back pats as you go - it's not easy.! I was surprised to hear that both you and Peep have a tendency to be quiet and let yourself be walked on but then you both can blow up. That's been a life long problem for me. People are always like, you're so docile, or such a doormat, or so quiet - and then when I lose it - they're like - WHO ARE YOU? I think that rage-y part of me - I used to feel really ashamed of it - but I've realized/decided that it's a really good part of me, it's my protector, it knows I shouldn't be treated like crap and knows I don't deserve it. I just got really good at stifling it because there's nothing an MN parent hates more than a kid who sticks up for themself. You have to hide your Protector self because they'll just want to kill it.
ReplyDeleteYes, that explosive part is the protector part. It has probably helped us contain our sanity too. Its when we feel uncomfortable enough it kicks in. I've noticed that. We are doormats to a certain point, then its like we lack control of ourselves. I feel like the people around me are dumb, dumb, dumb, why do they not see what they are doing is wrong? Even if it is unintentional on their part, don't they at least have some idea of what they are doing?
ReplyDeleteSo when that woman who was giving me a hard time, only one person jumped on her bandwagon with her, another employee, I don't talk to either of them anymore. The one who jumped on her bandwagon with her, in not on holidays, and I can see the hurt look in her eyes, and I started to take compassion on her just today. Just a little. It must hurt that I am talking to everyone but her, and everytime she came around to speak to me she was talking to my butt. And I started feeling bad.
Its not like we are bad people, we are human, and did not inherit the degradation we were born into, thank God, but we don't know a whole lot, and I am careful with people. I don't want to be someone who is a freakshow like my mother.
Yes, I think Peeps did have a great idea. And those baby steps of disagreeing with people will go a long way. I'll be taking your advice. I also got another idea too, sort of came to me today, that maybe I could be asking for more things. That's my problem too, I tend to not ask for things. I need a fax machine, and I am going to ask the company to let me use the fax machine. Strict place, they don't let anyone use the phone, but I'm going to ask to fax something. I will not put it in my head that they will say no, same rules as phone, I'll put it in my head that I need it, please? Aha.
That gives me a scary feeling but I think I can do that one. I don't know how that works, but my whole life I never asked for a thing. Unless I really had to, and it was hard.
But I like what you said about observation, and that is something I've been able to do, but not say it is wrong, that is another thing. That makes it less complicated by just expressing my thoughts is all. The other person has the right to say no, or whatever, but wow you said lots here, I'm going to have to write some of it down and keep it with me. Thanks Anonymous.