Its funny how I took this picture some time ago, a few months back, actually, but it is nothing what it looks like now. You don't want to know what it really looks like here. A few snowstorms and we are now buried in the white stuff. Like I said, you don't want to know.
So, I started this job 10 years ago. That long? Sorry, I forgot, a month or so now, I guess. I do tend to exaggerate sometimes, but this time this is actually what it feels like. I know now this company will never fire me, but what they did, actually, was far, far worse. They downgraded me to the worst position possible, or at least it feels like it. My voc rehab worker wants me to work my way through that. I'm doing one job and one job only, all day long. I do hate this, not for that reason though, it's more because I have to do it while the others tend to get better things, at least in my opinion. They are given several things, or the opportunity to switch duties with another, and I'm left with one thing to do. We all get paid the same, so I don't know why it bothers me so much.
Its also a very physical job, and I think I got the most physical one. I work at a major thrift store, that buys donations from charities then they seek out to obtain a profit from the items. This is a very noble cause, I think, and it helps the charities make money. So all in all, it is a good thing.
So I'm doing one thing only, that is to put out the clothes onto the isles. I have to put them in their exact spots, and there is a time limit, and will get called on it if I take too long. All day long, I have to do this. This week the supervisor told me that I took too long. I said, "Yeah, at the end of the day, my energy tends to lag, I don't know what to do." This was my passive way of saying that I needed their direction, or help, or something. After talking to my voc rehab worker, she told me that I needed to be very direct with people, and tell them that I need more things to do, it will get me more stimulated, the one job thing, I feel is very tiring.
So what did my passive approach do? Well, it caused the supervisor to set up a time sheet for me, to fill out each time I was out on the floor to do a rack of clothes. I put in the time before I go, and put in the time when I get back. Not to mention that those racks have rickety wheels, hard to move, etc. And they never taught me how to do it quickly, to meet their standards.
Oh gee. Now my blog sounds boring. I was worried about that. My point is that I am having a hard time taking the direction of my voc rehab worker, and just doing what she says. I have nothing to lose by even losing this job. I said that before in my last posting. But somehow, I am tied into "behaving" myself. No matter what. I told my worker that this is not going to work for me. I am very unhappy, I don't like it, I am very unhappy. So she is looking into getting me another job.
So for now, I am happy to just rolling out those racks, and wait. This sucks. There must be another way, a better way, but all those things about being assertive I am unable to do. I flunked this test. I feel like I'm sweating blood just by telling a supervisor that "I respond better in a positive environment, thus I will need to be treated with respect". Or, "I'm tired after doing only one job all day, I need more to really get me stimulated."
These are considered very normal things. I need to ask anyone, anyone at all, do you find any of these things just impossible?
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ReplyDeleteThis may sound like a strange reaction, but you had professional level jobs before that took a science degree right? Why have they put you in the least educated job possible? I'm not downing honest work but it seems you more then qualified for a peaceful job in an office somewhere doing paper work or something less physical.
ReplyDeleteIt seems odd to me when they push people who have various disabilities always into physical based labor, who have education. That makes no sense to me. I think your job coaches have dropped the ball.
I remember when I went to vocational rehab, I told them no physical jobs, by then I was sicker then crap, barely able to breathe. They yelled at me to lose weight and ignored me when I told them something else was wrong.
I got let go of from two factory floor temp jobs for not screwing screws fast enough, and not moving fast enough on a line to put bottles to be filled with cough medicine. Both jobs were far too physical for me. The vocational rehab people didn't put me in those jobs, that was desperation work I took in between substitute teaching jobs.
It disappoints me kind of that they seemed to find the least educated job for you that they put people in with severe learning disorders etc. Here Aspies in my case can face severe abuse, I know a fellow Aspie as smart as me, who they make him sweep floors at a factory and give him no training to rise above. I had to cloak so much to keep the jobs I had, [all the positivity queens don't realize I put on an act for years to stay employed].
With your anxiety, you need a low pressure job without quotas, why are they putting pressure on putting clothes out on floor? Those people sound insane. Tell here you want a quiet paper work job. Even doing date entry or some kind of paper work with few people around.
I had the vocational rehab people suggest residential counselor which looking back was a very bad idea but it at least kept me off the streets for a few more years but I was already really sick. It sucked I was too sick and Aspie to be anyone's regular art teacher though they gave me long term sub assignments but I was deemed "good enough" to take care of violent sociopath youth. Probably because no one else wanted to do it. Young people need told how the work world really operates.
I have responded to your posts a few responses down. Sigh, I need to develop some computer skills. Sorry.
DeleteYou've really been toughing it out and you should feel proud of yourself for that. It sounds very challenging and demoralizing. I'm glad your worker is looking for something else for you. It's good to get practice standing up for yourself and expressing yourself, but doing it in a more receptive and gentle environment where people understand and value the talents you do have might be a lot easier.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of that, thanks Anonymous. I will need a more receptive environment to do what I want to do. Some jobs are just insane, and this one is. But wouldn't it be great if I could just channel my strong self, and say "I won't take it, you are going to listen to me." Sigh, right now it feels like jumping 100 feet, which I can't do either.
DeleteIt was lower risk. I didn't want to screw up again at the professional level, I've done so many times. This one I can screw up, so it doesn't matter. Voc rehab will not be able to coach me, if necessary on the professional level. Also, too, there are clearances for anyone working in science, and I need them involved. They are involved in this one, and my worker told me that she only got good reports from people working there. Just easier for them to access here really. I don't know if she knows if she knew it was physical work, I don't think she knew anything about the work. They have many, many work contacts, and I don't think they know much about them.
ReplyDeleteBut, I am not needing job coaches. It is up to me to show the assertiveness, to see where it can get me. To learn how to show initiative on the job, to be walked through that, and they are helping me with that. So how did I get downgraded to the lowest position possible? And how to make my way out of that? I try to imagine working in science, and having to be that way, which I'm not. I remember being downgraded to just putting sand into an analyser, all day.
So its not about making me the perfect job, but more about how I am on the job, and how I can be stronger, which I'm not. This is not working out. All those normal things I should be doing? I'm not doing. I am unable. But at least I know more about my mental state.
And, yes, they are insane. And now the company wants all these poor people, who work here at minimum wage to do a Christams gift exchange. One woman was $10 short on her car insurance, so has to walk to work. All of them are very poor. But we have bosses who say, $5 or $10 isn't very much.
So I don't know. I know it is tough. I wanted something low risk, and to tell the truth if they fired me tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Don't need it. But somehow I am tied into it psycologically, and I really care what they think of me, and I need to figure out that one.
I know in work situations, we have to put on a brave face. It sucks. And here everything is quotas. They weigh the stuff, and there is a time quota for the workers to get through it, according to how much it weighs. Toys, dishes, get smashed, we can't buy them, that is if they don't get sold in a certain amount of time. We don't get to take anything home, and everyone gets searched before they leave at the end of the day.
Quotas are hard. I'm no dumb tomato, but I even find them challenging, and I can be pretty fast. I'm surprised they don't make us all wear diapers, there is no time for anything. I can go on and on.
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles in work situations too. I'm wondering if there is a way we can unlock the problems that others don't seem to have. It doesn't make any sense. Why I'm like this. I know and I get it, but I can't seem to change?
What I would like is to do what my voc rehab worker says, show initiative, see the outcome, grow and learn, work all the different jobs, then quit, say "thanks I've learned enough of the business, time to move on." But I can't seem to do that. I keep thinking they won't let me work in more, and that I am stuck on.
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ReplyDeleteI hope you can find a lower risk job then that doesn't have quotas and so many rules. They search you all? I find that disrespectful. They did that to me as a teen at Toys R Us, I thought it was rude. Yeah richer people don't get that poor people don't have 10 dollars laying around buy presents with and what can you get for 10 dollars that doesn't suck? Think 15 or 20, unless you want embarrassed or can find something new off the shelves.
ReplyDeleteCrazy they throw the dishes away, I don't think I'd like that job either just for the crazy rules and draconian way they are doing things. I think you would do better with a job with some positive intellectual stimulus but I am glad the worker is willing to help you get another job. I worked jobs like that in factories, I kept some of sitting down plastic factory jobs but they were all temp jobs. They were exhausting in that you had to sit in heat and open and lift and put in plastic over and over. I would stay quiet and just put my time in. I just wanted left alone by the bosses.
I hope they can ind you a more suitable job. Maybe just putting in some time will help you move into a better job. I know work isn't supposed to be fun, but there's jobs that are better then others.
I have some serious issues with not asserting myself. It has come down to it, that the walls are closing in on me. It has brought me down to my knees. When I took care of my mother in 2005, it was the final straw for me. I have not been myself since. My speaking is getting slurred. It appears that I unable to make myself clear to anyone. I am struggling in my life so bad. So this is not about "being employed". To tell the truth, I would rather be unemployed. But this is a life goal, a mission. To find some solutions to make things better for me. If I can conquer some stuff, then maybe I will feel better.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, they search all the purses of all the women there. I don't bring in a purse. I bring my lunch in a plastic bag I can throw out after lunch. I keep my keys in my locker. One time I got "caught" not working, my eyes got caught up with watching something. I got in trouble.
But I am with Anonymous on this one. If I can get into a place where I can use assertiveness skills and the place will be receptive. But my worker says, that it shouldn't matter at any job. I have to tell them "I want, I feel, I need". And be very straightforward, and if they are not receptive, it should not matter. I should be ok with that. That is the normal thing. This is what I am trying to get at here.
I would start with small disagreements and assertions. One thing I've done with myself is tell myself I don't have to please people anymore, and worry about being "liked". Sheesh I spent so much time trying to overcompensate for Aspergers and such. There's some freedom in just going somewhere now and thinking "Oh I can just be here, I don't have to smile and act nice and TRY anymore. That is something new for me. It made my art class more rewarding. One thing that could help is stop caring about getting in trouble. Allow yourself to get in trouble. You are there under a job coordinator. Predators use fear. GO in and think well if I get fired even oh well. Don't look to be fired or do anything that will make that happen, do the job, but try and set some of the fear aside. Oh goodness, I've had to do this about life, lest I crack up. I told myself "oh if it collapses, oh well, just go to the shelter or whatever friend will have you, I've kept the rent paid, but you know my plagues with worries from my old days. I almost had to be like well let the bad happen and well I can't control it anyhow. It did take my anxiety down some notches, but is still something I have to work on.
DeleteSorry, I must have missed this comment. Well, I went in there thinking the same thing. I wasn't going to worry or fear, and just do it, act like a secret agent, maybe I can fill in some of the holes in my life, this is what I need. It's not like I've only been boxed in, it feels more like the box is caving in. This is a desperate attempt to get better. Things happen that confuse me too. So I started this job thinking I was going to do it to help secure me psychologically. Then, out of nowhere I started caring. I've had more thoughts on that, so I will be writing on it somemore.
DeleteI'm sorry your anxiety is taking over too, its hard.
You know, I would never have wished this on my worst enemy. And our "parents" did it to us. Our parents. I will never be in contact with my FOO ever again. Never did I even pick up the pictures that I told my aunt I would. It is over. I never had a family. This never had to happen, it was not my choice it did happen, but it did happen. Lest we ever forget, this was never our fault.
DeleteNormal is a relative term. Normal compared to what, is what we have to ask our selves. Normal compared to people raised by wolves? Normal compared to people who had June Cleaver clones for a mother. Most of us have no base line for a normal normal so we are adrift in a sea of inhumanity. I wouldn't know normal if it bit me on the ass. If people knew what my mother was like they wouldn't stick their fingers in my cage lest I bite one off.
ReplyDeleteLOL about the cage. I agree people may wonder about me too. I know I feel adrift in humanity too. I think predators sense the nerves and confusion and use it. It's like life lessons we never got taught. How to just be some place and secure, and not worried or worried about getting kicked in the head? I had the thought the other day, "Sheesh you are so afraid of people, this is messed up." Other people just seem more comfortable and peaceful, and this is after a lot of overt anxiety has become less of a problem, but I think man I am still afraid of people even after removing all these abusers.
DeleteWhen I got older, I thought things would get better. But it never did. I feel exactly the way you describe.
DeleteYeah if only they knew. So when I think of asking those things of an employer, as my worker says, it feels like hell. To regular folk out there, they do it, they make transition, they find better things in life. But for me, growing up, if I closed the bathroom door, it would have pissed her off. So someone asked me once if I thought everyone was a narc, well, I guess there is no denying it. Just at the time that person said that, also told me that I am to, what? Don't remember.
ReplyDeleteBut you know, for the sake of my somewhat sanity, I have to find a way to do this. Some sort of easier method.
There is always that feeling of slipping up. I did best at jobs, maybe tell your worker this, when I was UNSUPERVISED. This is why I wax on poetic about making those salads and art teaching. No one was watching me most of the time. Work can be an enjoyable activity if you don't have some eyes on you every second. A flow thing as it were? Also why do they watch middle aged and other people like children? It makes you wonder. If I was healthy enough to work and going down to Vocational Rehab [I was trying to rehab myself to be a paralegal-paper work queen on purpose before the health took me over] I would be like, 1. I want a job where I am not supervised under a magnifying glass and 2. Give me paper work or activity that takes THOUGHT, and shows results. 3. No group interactions and as few personal interactions as possible. Allow me to work alone outside of emails. {I'm too deaf for the phone--can only hear a few people now on phone even with aids}
DeleteYes, I went to see them this afternoon. They are looking, and it looks like we are heading for a recession or something. Its quite the challenge right now placing people I guess. Working alone would be alright, and I think we had talked about that one but I don't know we'll have to see.
DeleteAnd I never needed supervision. Its like at this place, they think everyone is going to steal the stuff, rampage the place, I swear they don't trust anyone. It makes me feel terrible. I used to work with very expensive analysers, and be trusted to take care of the equipment on my own. Supervisors weren't available for days at a time. But the dynamics of those places were totally different, I was in a different problem, but I still had problems with them. I don't remember to this day exactly what though.
I was watching the"I love lucy show", where Lucy and Ethel worked at the chocolate factory and they sped up the line with the chocolates on it. It is still funny. I thought of you when I saw it. I thought you should watch it for a giggle. Plus it might make you feel better by laughing at the absurdity of the situation. It's so weird I saw it right after I read your post here.Hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteYou can go yo youtube and put in Lucy/chocolate scene.
Hope you get a giggle, and things get better!Peace!
An occasional reader.
I think I've seen every episode of I Love Lucy. One of my favorite shows. I definitely seen that one. She and Ethel thought they could do the job easily until those chocolates came flying out of the machine, it was great. Its the same thing here, clothes shoes, stuff goes flying everywhere. Shoes even fly over to the shoe department where one woman says she got hit in the head with a sandal, its unreal.
DeleteYour title also makes me think of Doc Holiday in the movie "Tombstone". Wyatt says to Doc; "all I ever wanted was a normal life." Doc says to Wyatt" there is no such things as a normal life Wytt, there's just life". I love that line! So many good lines in that movie. Hope things go better for you.
ReplyDeleteOccasional Reader
Thanks Occasional reader. A normal life is something I've never had.
ReplyDelete