The Show Goes On

I've taken the day off today, for being sick.  I am sick.  My attempts of having to show initiative at work, had caused me great tummy upsets.  All last night, I totally dreaded going to work today.  I woke up sick.  Then this morning, calling in sick, made me feel even more sick.  I think sickness is an adaptation of some kind.  Maybe its a way of avoiding, but it is sickness, nonetheless.

I have to admit I've had a lot of anger to deal with while writing about my bungled attempts at working.  Some of it wasn't so nice.  And it seems strange as I sit here, and I'm literally attacking people who have a hard time paying the rent.  It seems odd and out of place for me.  Am I angry at them for being poor?  No, I am angry at them for being poor and not learning a damn thing from it. I'm angry because they don't see, nor don't care as others get mistreated around them, I'm angry for they will bend over backwards to please the narc, as I shared in my story about a woman who was mean to me, and pushed me out into just doing the clothes rolling.  All this while I drive a better car than my bosses do.  And none of this makes sense.  Not to me, anyway.  I will still carry the ACON card written on my forehead, even with studded tires and a four-wheel drive.  Does that make any sense to you?  

They don't know anything else about me.  Not that I live in a lakehouse, or that I go grocery shopping on a day that is not our work payday.  But, it is my husband who carries the bills here.  You might as well say that I am subservient to him.  And we have had our problems, and oftentimes I am very painfully aware of what a life without him would bring me.  I feel badly about being offensive on here, as I must take this journey, I just have to.  Everything in my body screams for it.  And if there is something in my heart that is evil I do want that revealed to me.  That would be very precious to me. So I will sift and I will search, and if something is out of place, I will be sure to find it.

I remember my mother, and I remember my aunt telling me, that it was just mother's way, and I had to be tolerant of it.  I tried for a time, but I avoided mother totally, some time after 2005, I don't remember how long I'd been back in contact.  The whole family looked down on me, but they were also looking down on me when mother was putting me down.  It was like they were believing what mother to be saying of me.  The put downs were severe, and I was trained to not say anything about it.  It was my duty as a daughter.  But for everyone to laugh while mother did it?  It was only my husband who said mother was abusive, that a light came on, and I started to see more clearly.

But I also wanted to talk about a young woman at work who is seen in the same light as I am.  She is not given more tasks at work, she is given the same job as me.  Running through the store, rolling out clothes.  She is a little odd.  I can see it.  Maybe even more as a misfit than me, she could not get the hang of using a swiftattach, when we were called to duty when there was no one else.  But she is a very nice person, even going above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to me, when I was feeling badly.  And she goes around trying to be appeasing to everyone else, while I just hate them.  

But its interesting, when she needs help with something, she turns to me, and once I discovered I was I was in shit for helping, I told her that.  Others could help her, it was ok, but I did not have the power.  But others wouldn't help her, they just watch as she fails over and over again.  I am powerless to help.  She is part of the reason I'm so sick today.  As we work together, I am hardpressed and I can't take it.  

So I'm going to be giving my notice to quit my job soon.  It was a painful realization I had last night. When I came on to write today, Q1605 reminded me of the fact that there is a difference between acon men and acon women.  If I was a man earning the bacon, then I would have to suck up all this crap.  No kidding.  I would be lost trying to earn my way in the world, and I was lost trying to earn my way in the world.  And I am deeply in awe of any ACON who does somehow manage the bad treatment, and the crappy work.  Sorry, Q for taking liberties, but I appreciate your authenticity on the matter.  This was what I was trying to prove on the matter, and I failed miserably.   We are ACON's and the simple matter of earning a living is hard for us.  And there won't be any momsy or dadsy to comfort us in any way, shape or form.  And actually if you were to tell them they would only have a nice source of supply.  

I'll be giving my notice once I get in touch with my voc rehab worker, as I won't make this big of a decision without her.  It sucks how she told me what to do, and I cannot.  Its like I know it won't make any difference any way to these people here.  But she says it doesn't matter, then what's the point?  I have another idea I will share with her after New Year's.  She won't be back until then.

I'm going to try finding the type of work an ACON can do.  The type of environment we need to be in.  Unfortunately, in this day and age we can't go job hopping, it is not seen well, and I'm going to try to make a transition of some kind, I don't know how, but I will talk to her and find out.  

The world seems to see us as "low functioning".  But it isn't that.  Its more about second guessing ourselves all the time, and learned helplessness.  And that takes a lot of our time.  Unfortunately, its something we have to live with.  And somehow make our ways in the world.  We had to serve at the royal hands of narcissists.  If you were me, you were born with a giant parasite over you, who was sucking the very life out of you. There is just no way to get over that, at least that is what I discovered.  

So, I will tell my worker, I just can't do it.  There are some things about my disability that makes it a disability.  And this is one.  I cannot show initiative on the job.  And I don't care about trying anymore.

Another Lightbulb Moment

Its great, I have 4 days off now, then a Monday off following New Year's, so that means I won't have any full weeks of work for another 3 weeks.  This has been challenging, and I guess I have to tell you what has dawned on me this Thursday night.  I have been thinking about people all my life, and how they are, and how I see them.

Now, as I sit here, I'm thinking that most, if not all, of these people I work with are very poor.  I think of money and status way too much, but it has got me to thinking.  Most of my life, was challenging, just to secure enough income to survive.  Now I see how that came about.  I was not given, and even had taken away from me, by my FOO, all the instincts, and survival skills that are necessary to live in the world.  My relationships have been challenging, even now, but, the job thing?  Come on, this job a trained monkey can do.  And I have to listen at break time how the other employees are always talking of ragging down a rack properly, throwing the junk out, all like its the most important things in the world.  I want to and maybe I should feel sorry for them, but I don't.

The way they talk, these people act like they arrived late home from the party, and realized they had better pull something together and try to get a job.  None of these people, from what I can see, have a stable income.  This minimum wage salary and benefits they have to pay for, are all they have.  I mean of their own, otherwise they have stable mums and dads who will secure them, babysit for them, do anything for them, so I wonder, what happened to them?  Why are they so poor?  What is their story?

I know some kids in high school were very mean.  They would not do their homework, they spent their lives in a party, fighting with their parents over it, and just never did they ever care.  Of course, there were some kids, who did their homework, but not smart enough to capture the teacher's attention, and they weren't special.  I know a woman like that, she is my age, I went to high school with her, now she is working for a large retail outlet, she had a good upbringing, just not all that much smart in school.  But at least she did find a husband who brings in the breadwinning paycheck, and all she does is the best she can do.

Lots of women are like that.  Just bring home something, but not here.  These are the breadwinning paychecks of these men, these women, and they rely on mum and dad to pick up the slack.  Now its Christmastime and they are still talking about partying it up.  I try to glance a peek at them, one single mom spends a lot of money at the restaurant, always gets take out food at lunch, but had no money?  Hello, I've been there, but I don't know why I'm talking about this.

Just to be fair there are two immigrants who have no other way to earn a living.  One I know, who I talk to all the time is married to a man who can't or won't get a job.  They are going to be out on the street soon.

This might offend a few people reading this, and I can't help it.  I had to pawn my kids Disney movies to buy milk, there was no mum and dad.  Sure my mother came over, but only to call me a loser, there were no words of support.

What do you think, am I working with a pack of wolves in sheep's clothing?

And now I sit here realizing that I am being bullied at work.  No kidding, if these are the same gin runner's I had to deal with in high school, then its no wonder.

My Life Before My Eyes.

You know I'm having a tough time with being assertive, and on the job, even a job that I don't care about.  I wonder why?  It makes no sense.  I have a very good worker through voc rehab, who is setting forth the challenge for me, all layed out, just what to say, and do, and still I remain locked into a dread, a fear that I tend to call the locked in kind.  I would like to talk more about the job, and the people there.

I don't know how they manage.  A lot of them have been there for a very long time, and even seem to like it.  Sometimes I think it is only me who feels this way.  I hear the yelling all the time, usually that is to move production through, but its insane.  But this is how I feel, right?  And my feelings are valid.  But maybe I want something that is less physically demanding, no quotas, and that is not this place.  I don't know.

I get there early so I can eat my cold toasted bagel and drink my coffee.  There is at least one person I won't talk to anymore.  From the beginning she proceeded to give me a hard time, she is an employee and not a supervisor.  But she seems to have a lot of say in what goes on around there, I don't know, but maybe it is just me she doesn't like.  She has nailed me for everyone of the mistakes I had made, and even told it to the supervisors.  One time I was having coffee on the floor, oh no, not supposed to do that, it is against the rules, she went and told the supervisors.  Problem is, I didn't remember any such rules, and I know I read them well.  I don't want to break any.  She came back after her report to tell me that drinking coffee was ok.  Alright, but I didn't need her help, I really didn't, but I guess I was supposed to be grateful she blabbed on me and tried to get me in trouble.  I'm sure she tried.  How do I know that?  Well, there are some other things.

I used to do a few jobs around there.  And one day I was pulled out to do the one job.  When I realized I was only doing one job all the time, I stopped and went to do a job I was doing previously.  Then I had a woman get on my back about it.  I don't remember exactly what she said, I think I pretended not to listen, she was not a supervisor.  She then went away and came back and told me what the supervisor told her.  That I was to go back to the rolling only.  That what what the supervisor told her.  That is what she told me.  I said, I didn't understand, I wanted to do this job too.  She went away and came back with the supervior, and she told me again in front of the supervisor what she had previously said.  The supervisor never said a word, just nodded with her in agreement.

A few weeks later we had someone from another department to help us.  That same person who made the supervisor "tell me" that I was only supposed to roll, told this new lady that she could help out with other tasks, that it was too hard to roll the racks all day.  Then I even watched as she went to the supervisor and told the supervisor that.  The supervisor said, "of course".

I'm trying to tell you what happened in detail here, without putting my own judgement in.  You can see it can you?

She is off on holidays this week.  The dynamics have all changed now.  I'm back to doing several jobs, now, but only out of necessity, there is not a lot of people working here.  But it's only Monday, so we'll see.

Can I Even Be Normal?

Its funny how I took this picture some time ago, a few months back, actually, but it is nothing what it looks like now.  You don't want to know what it really looks like here.  A few snowstorms and we are now buried in the white stuff.  Like I said, you don't want to know.

So, I started this job 10 years ago.  That long?  Sorry, I forgot, a month or so now, I guess.  I do tend to exaggerate sometimes, but this time this is actually what it feels like.  I know now this company will never fire me, but what they did, actually, was far, far worse.  They downgraded me to the worst position possible, or at least it feels like it.  My voc rehab worker wants me to work my way through that.  I'm doing one job and one job only, all day long.  I do hate this, not for that reason though, it's more because I have to do it while the others tend to get better things, at least in my opinion.  They are given several things, or the opportunity to switch duties with another, and I'm left with one thing to do.  We all get paid the same, so I don't know why it bothers me so much.

Its also a very physical job, and I think I got the most physical one.  I work at a major thrift store, that buys donations from charities then they seek out to obtain a profit from the items.  This is a very noble cause, I think, and it helps the charities make money.  So all in all, it is a good thing.

So I'm doing one thing only, that is to put out the clothes onto the isles.  I have to put them in their exact spots, and there is a time limit, and will get called on it if I take too long.  All day long, I have to do this.  This week the supervisor told me that I took too long.  I said, "Yeah, at the end of the day, my energy tends to lag, I don't know what to do."  This was my passive way of saying that I needed their direction, or help, or something.  After talking to my voc rehab worker, she told me that I needed to be very direct with people, and tell them that I need more things to do, it will get me more stimulated, the one job thing, I feel is very tiring.

So what did my passive approach do?  Well, it caused the supervisor to set up a time sheet for me, to fill out each time I was out on the floor to do a rack of clothes.  I put in the time before I go, and put in the time when I get back.  Not to mention that those racks have rickety wheels, hard to move, etc.  And they never taught me how to do it quickly, to meet their standards.

Oh gee.  Now my blog sounds boring.  I was worried about that.  My point is that I am having a hard time taking the direction of my voc rehab worker, and just doing what she says.  I have nothing to lose by even losing this job.  I said that before in my last posting.  But somehow, I am tied into "behaving" myself.  No matter what.  I told my worker that this is not going to work for me.  I am very unhappy, I don't like it, I am very unhappy.  So she is looking into getting me another job.

So for now, I am happy to just rolling out those racks, and wait.  This sucks.  There must be another way, a better way, but all those things about being assertive I am unable to do.  I flunked this test.  I feel like I'm sweating blood just by telling a supervisor that "I respond better in a positive environment, thus I will need to be treated with respect".  Or, "I'm tired after doing only one job all day, I need more to really get me stimulated."

These are considered very normal things.  I need to ask anyone, anyone at all, do you find any of these things just impossible?

Finding Answers

So now I am working full time.  This job is with vocational rehab, as I am still with them.  They are monitoring me and my position, but I did get the job on my own merits, so this is very interesting stuff to share.

It is a minimum wage job.  I've been wanting to write more, but my capacity to do so was not there.  I'm dealing with life in a more constructive way, and sometimes that means I have to learn to live with my inabilities.

Its hard for me.  I've struggled with this thing my whole life.  I've never been able to hold onto any type of job, and the learning curve for this job is extremely high.  This is a production job, with time constraints all day long, lots of quotas to meet, pressure and high stress.  My first month there, I witnessed women crying over bullying, another newbie that started the same time as me, well, she was taken to the hospital, she thought she had a heart attack, but it turns out, she just pulled a lot of muscles, and another, and this one is hard to take, well, a girl, has constant seizures, two seizures in one month, and the others think it is the job that is causing that.

So now I guess you can understand why I say this job is terrible, stressful, and overall I get the feeling it is ruled by fear and intimidation, but my voc rehab worker thinks this is just perfect for me. I say that with no tongue in cheek humor, my worker has high regards from everyone in her field. She is a leader in the work that she does, and I've learned to trust her.  Well, sort of, but as best as I can do, I see what she is trying to do.

I remember a therapist I once had, had me do exposure therapy.  This is along the same lines, and I can go see her everyday if I want to, to talk about the job, and work through this.

I'm scared of losing the job.  I told my worker this.  "Why?"  She asked.  Well, I don't think it is working out.  They will get rid of me, like others have done before.  You know, I might have to write this in smaller increments.  This is terrible and I waited too darn long to write it all out and my brain is very foggy of putting it all together.  I might write some shorter writings for awhile, so I can piece back together all that has gone on this whole time.

So when I told my worker I was afraid of losing the job, and that I might not be good at this, she told me, that now we can start to work on the problems, the problems I had working my whole life, it will be painful, but there is no other way, really.

Already, there is starting to unlock some of the illogical thoughts that were plaguing me.  I was treated badly by a supervisor, and my worker said that it was the supervisor's issue, that was going on, it wasn't me.  How to detach me, from what that supervisor did, and how I can see now it was their issue and not mine.

In reality, am I afraid of losing this job?  Am I really?  Well, it is a paying position, with benefits. That's the powerful part.  But I don't need the money, I don't need the benefits, I need to relieve myself of pain and that is all really.

Soon, someday, as I go to my grave, a grave that will not be able to keep me, and I will go on, not even remembering the things that gone on in this life.  Early in my childhood, pain I have suffered, and how I got to the close of that life, and I will not remember, but this blog will carry on the memory of what went on before.  And someone else out there has got to see how this stuff happened to me, how I can recover, and maybe someone else can take this and grow from it too.  Maybe they have been hurt the same way I was, and they are wondering what to do.  I want to grow from this.  I see how confused I was, and the scary stuff my voc rehab worker has me do now, will be amazing.