Listen to What They Say

Maybe everyone knows this, but I learned something quite valuable that I would like to share.  This might help you, save your life, but I implore every ACON  to see this writing.  Listen to me, its the best stuff.  Probably the best I ever wrote.  I'm going to try to keep it short, just to get it read.

I started seeing mother in a whole new way.  I can also say she was a full blown narc, with just one thing going on with her.  She was evil and really, there was not much of anything else.  She was always spilling her projections.  I don't think a narc wants to do this, but they can't help it, maybe its God's way of helping us.  

I have a revelation.  These critters are not like the rest of us in that they are always having to cover themselves.  Every once in a while a little truth will come out of their mouth.  I often heard mother say that people are scared of me.  Why?  Because I speak my mind.  She told me that people are afraid of me.

Not to get too much into the issue of what happened when we went to help brother and SIL, I mean in regards to DH and the trouble we have right now.  He is still working for a day, and I'll be in the city on Monday, so I don't know what is going to happen with us.  But I have to write before I lose this valuable piece of information on narcs.  Things I remember, what mother said, stuff regarding SIL.

This will give me the chance to examine mother more and other narcs I will come in contact with. To start with, what I noticed was that as SIL was throwing the fit she was heading out the door, and in that respect was getting the last word in without giving me a chance to say anything about that. She is a coward.  All I can remember seeing then was the brothers scampering like cockroaches, and I have this distinct memory in my mind of the other brother (not DH) looking at me but not looking at me. I've seen this before, I have a memory of seeing that before.  Another time, another place.

I also remember she was not bossing me around about my shower.  At the time I felt left out, now I think back on it, perhaps she knew what I knew and she was trying to stay out of my way.  And I also think my YOO HOO was so nothing, and for her to throw a fit, she must have been ready to blow and her losing it, was not losing it, she had already lost it and was trying to contain it and it just spilled over.

But I also remember something else of that evening.  Just before the attack on me, she was showing me in the kitchen where the coffee was and stuff, and then said, 'You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it."  Like sugar and stuff.  Doesn't that seem a little rude?  I mean, how do you expect to find things if you don't look, this statement is implying that I'm stupid.  When she said that, I was bolted to reality and felt it in my body that she was trying to insult me.

I've often "felt" around narcs.  There are so many people that are pleasing to be around, and there are some people you just want to get away from.  But its always a feeling you have, and you can't describe it, you just don't like them or you do.  But I can't help but remember mother's projection about "they are afraid of you."  When I was young, I would often run to mother when someone was insulting me, or hurting me.  That was always mother's response.  She would not cuddle me and tell me everything was ok, she would tell me that.

I know the, "You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it," seems like a stretch, but I felt in my body, the tingles the second she said it.  Like I felt all my life around narcs.  I don't feel that way around nice, normal people, not ever, no matter what they say.

SIL, also was so busy herding people around that weekend, and I felt horrible about it, don't know how the guys felt about it, but it looked downright degrading.  But she was not doing it to me.  Why? Have you wondered that from my last posting?  It just dawned on me tonight, that she was not daring to try it with me.  She was trying to avoid her blow out.  And when I made the tiny remark yoo hoo, this was just exploding something that was already ready to blow, she was just trying to hold it in.

Wow.  I remember mother's rages would come from nowhere.  We wouldn't know what to say, anything can set them off.  It doesn't matter.  But you'd be blamed for it.  You've questioned a God. You tried to usurp their position.  Here she had total control of everything.  She was working during the day, and probably couldn't wait to get home to boss everyone.  You'd think she would want to relax, no, these creatures are all about control.  I saw grown men like little boys, I'm surprised they weren't running around in their undies ready for momma to give them a bath.  I have memories of my children in their bed clothes ready for bath and bed, and it sure was the same thing I saw all weekend. INCLUDING MY OWN DH.  Ugh.

But she would not come near me, she would rather insult me like she did in the kitchen about the "If you expect to find something, you'll have to look for it."  This was an attempt to make me feel stupid. I remember how mother worked.  Whatever she said, it was calculated that you will walk away feeling badly about yourself.  You are supposed to feel horrible, and downgraded, and stupid.

Since I had been in prayer the whole time, I could feel it in my heart that God was telling me to stay alert and listen.  Don't go into autopilot, but pay attention.   Listen.  What she said was calculated for me to walk away feeling stupid.  For the statement was quite innoculous, and could go unnoticed.  It was said a little snarly, and I was able to pick up on that in full alert mode.  If I'd been not alert, and it just went through me, I would have felt stupid without knowing why.

But, the question remains, if she was so afraid of me, why would she attempt to do this?  Well, I think its because there were no risks.  That statement wouldn't hold her accountable in a court of law.  It goes under the radar.  It was risk free, so why not?

Remember me telling you that I felt bad about myself the whole time I was there?  I generally always feel that way, but there especially I did.  I can't help but want to explore that some more.  If I get any answers I'll tell you.