Feelings and Thoughts

I never realized there are people out there who don't feel empty all the time.  But there is, for some this is just a once in a while feeling.  I am trying to live just a simple life here.  My oldest daughter and I are not getting along, my husband's daughter thinks I'm spending all his money, the SIL showing her boobs to husband.  All I want is trouble with getting a quick bread to rise.

And that is not even the big problems I'm having.  Its this dead feeling inside.  I feel dirty for not having that fine extended family.  And I know love has to come from inside me, I have got to be a whole person, regardless of any of my circumstances.  You can't even face a loved one's disloyalty without first having the backbone, to, go into that feeling of frustration, fear, panic, loneliness, then when you are ok with all that, you can go into that feeling of hurt.  Without doing all that, you will have these feelings linger, and linger, till you are taking so many pills to cope with just waking up in the morning.  This is just the realities of life, and no one gets away without it.

I wonder what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have just behaved and listened to God in the first place.  We are not even supposed to have the pain of childbearing before the fall of man, pain was not something in the original design.  Now, there are all these coping procedures, even positive thinking.  You know, that is just thinking don't you?  Thinking can't counteract the actual physical issues you have with deep emotional pain.  And emotional pain is physical, it hurts, those feelings in my stomach are real, and I don't like it.

How did I end up with the mother I got?  Why did she do what she did?  For no reason.  I've asked God that question so much, that its hurts.  So why did Adam and Eve disobey?  Life was not meant to be lived in after the fall, it is all coping now, I think I have found some good ways to cope, but it all comes down to struggling even at the best of times.

And even DH, he doesn't even understand why his behaviour doesn't hurt me.  He is on his long work run now, and I'm sure he is not even thinking about this.  He can go all empty and free, I can't.  I made this chocolate quick bread to pack in his lunch, he is eating the food I'm giving him, so he must trust that I'm not that bad to poison him.  That's what this pain is, I feel all dirty, that I am capable of anything.  Having good standards and integrity, I do have these, but at the same time I feel like I'm not good, and that no one wants me, not even him.  A free boob show from his SIL is worth more than I am to him.  I really feel that way.  He went to bed after her freakfest, and went and finished the garage for his brother.  Am I not worth anything to him?  Her feelings are worth more?

I know I probably shouldn't be taking care of him, and feeding him, but I'm a little meticulous that way and I would feel way worse if I didn't.  I like to make sure things are done, and that is one of my biggest problems.  I should be sitting here with uncombed hair, crying all the time, but I can't, it is not me.  I used to try that and I found that it made me go even more depressed.  But maybe that is what I should be doing.

I have to wait till the end of the weekend so I can talk to him about this.  It looks like I'm doing well, but we are sleeping in separate beds now, because of this, and I know this is sending alarm bells going off in his head.  But not too much, I know he has got to concentrate on work and that is just the way it is.  He job requires focus on that, its ok.  I certainly can understand that.  But he has been having problems at work too, and now I think I know why.

He did not get the big bonus at work like he should have, like the other bosses did.  His was the smallest.  He doesn't get the respect he feels he deserves, since he does so much at work, it should be noticed that he is very dependable.  I did pray about this, and maybe I got the answer.  It is his lack of principles.  I don't know, but somewhere down the line, something is broken with him,  He can't show loyalty to his wife, that has got to trickle down into the rest of his life, this is a fact of life, and he can't ignore it anymore.

Even though I was the one in need from the beginning, he is the one with serious issues.  Now I know that loving the malignant narcissist seems to be the way of life, and people seem to go far with it, but sometimes, does it really?  Or does he not love the malignant narcissist, he is just pretending so he can keep some kind of fake peace,and he is just going against what he thinks and feels.  And this is affecting so much so that it is causing him problems in his life.

I told him this tonight.  That he can't just do his job and be dependable, there is this thing of value, called standards, and if you don't have them then, lots of failure to you.  I don't know I'm just thinking about this.  Not to say that everyone who has failed in life is because of lacking standards, my gosh, we ACON's know better than this.  But in another way, can it be though?  Because he is not living according to his standards, he is seen as being just a butt kisser.  And they don't care, he'll just do what he's told and that is only being fake.  Maybe they don't trust him because of it.

So my relationship site people, well, we go on on how we can influence men.  Make him a better man, respond to his crudeness, respond when he treats us badly.  This is giving high value right there. This will help him be a better man.  I take a great deal of comfort from those words, for I felt this whole thing was very overwhelming for me, and I needed to see something good that I can do.

He might be seen as wishy washy by his superiors, for he does not live by his standards.  He blocks them out.  I guess they never served him in the past, so he chose to let it go, but right now it is not serving him to not live by his standards.  I don't know, these are just my thoughts.  And the only way I can help is by letting him know on no uncertain terms that I am not putting up with his BS.

But I am having to suffer for it.  He has led a very successful life other than this, he has done quite well.  It seems strange that little ole me, is teaching him how to live, that is one big irony right there. Suffer, suffer, is that all an ACON is good for?

I think I have to have faith.  That maybe God is helping us, and sometimes it doesn't seem like He is. I know the Christian church nowadays, everything is supposed to be all pie in the sky, everything is perfect and wonderful, and you pray for your miracle which is sure to happen.  Nowadays, I'm being careful of what I pray for, lol, not sure if I want it bad enough. lol

But the more I think of it, if he doesn't raise his standards, his life is due to fall.  But I know he has standards, for I think if he didn't he would be doing well.  He is just blocking them and this is making him look weak.  Otherwise he would look strong.  I don't think regular people can tell if someone has standards or not, but they can tell if someone is strong or not, and he appears weak.  I hope I'm making sense.

But I noticed the neighbours have been letting their friends drive on the lawn here.  And DH doesn't say anything.  I want to but I can't seem to catch them when they are still.  But before that, I did say something to the neighbour once about too many dogs running loose, I'm a little afraid of big dogs, unless I see the owner right there.  The neighbour just shot this look at me, and I asked him why is he looking at me like that.  I don't care, these days I say what I want.  I mean, we are the scapegoated children of evil parents, we were the family whistleblowers, I think its highly authentic.

You know, the neighbour still looks at me funny.  Not sure why that is, I don't know anything about them, so any PD will have to remain to be seen.  But DH talks to them all the time, gives them much lurve, tells them they are perfect neighbours, and DH tells me something else.  Then I confront him on this, and he turns away.

He says, "Oh, you just like to bitch at people."  And I say, "Yeah, and?"

You know it wasn't always like this.  He was very good and supportive and loving.  Until that particular day last summer when I supposedly "been gunning for his SIL".

But I am the scapegoat, the family whistleblower, and that authenticity really has no tolerance for BS. DH thinks I act all high and mighty.  Ok, I know I am a sinner, and I need God's grace just as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean that I need to let myself to allow the standards of my life be gone, or let other people screw with me.

But this is just terrible times I'm going through.  I feel pain, I feel lost.  I had no mommy who would tell me that everything will be alright no matter what.

So lets just get back to that dirty feeling.  How is DH even supposed to trust me with anything I may do or say.  He has led the rather successful life, and me, no, not until him, and I would not even be able to afford the computer or internet on my own.  This is all due to him, and here I am trashing him, Omg, I feel so dirty.  And I feel like such a big loser.  And here I am teaching him how he can do better.

Am I enough?  This one is a constant struggle.  But that is the first thing you got to do, is build up those emotional resources, you are enough.  Even if that means going into all those bad feelings I want to avoid, it needs to be done.

In relationship things will always be a challenge.  Marriage is one thing, even married, I don't feel like I got the level of commitment required to sustain us, this is a horrible fact.  This is a heart thing, a value thing, as loyalty is a value thing, its a heart thing.  To see his SIL do that to me, then just ignore it.  I'm sure at some level it did bother him, for he left the room, maybe scared but at the same time so that he could escape his own feelings of stupidity.  Sleep is a good escape.  So maybe he has blocked his standards and lives a very mediocre life now.

Then there is the thing about him being on autopilot.  Our lives can just go by and we just sit there. So many people do it, and I do it, and I have to snap out of it sometimes, but it does want to take over.  Its easier.  I mean, on autopilot I can eat a whole bag of chips without thinking its terrible.  I've seen the bottom of the bag and wonder how did that happen.  I'm sure this is one thing we've all done, time and again, unfortunately, and I think if we do it too much it means we are brainwashed.  We are stuck in some other realm for to have to think, means that you can't be brainwashed, plain and simple. I'm so glad I got to write tonight, so many thoughts, its better than to just sit here alone and mope. But maybe that is what I should be doing.

One dreadful thought I have is that maybe I'm the one taking him down with me, I always felt destined to fail.  Like I always have, and in some way I am destroying him.  Just a thought, not fishing, but a lot of thoughts to just sit with me, I'm glad to be writing.