I know that it might be easy to feel sorry for my mother. Afterall, the woman died alone, while destroying her apartment.
I don't know if it is some kind of dream I had last night or something, but I felt a little correction going on in my heart.
Mother may have went to hell, tortured and demons bludgeoning her. She might have spent the last few weeks like that. But I'll bet you a million bucks, that even after all that, if she were to come back to earth, she would forget that and be back to tormenting and screeching, and hurting everyone that crosses her path. No time in hell would cure mother. It would not change her.
I write a lot on emotions. It stands to reason as I am the engulfed daughter of a narc, and it was my emotions that were molested. I spend a great deal of my time, just feeling, to see where I am at. If my behaviours don't line up well, I see what is going on, I just don't let it go.
Some of my emotions are very programmed. If I feel those and see where they are at, I notice they are not real emotions, just ones I'm "supposed" to feel. I notice I feel very low about myself during those times. I'm supposed to feel sorry for mother, that's just normal. Of course then maybe its just guilt I feel, very programmed guilt. I feel bad for not feeling guilty.
Now, I know the time is long past of my no contact. Nature has taken care of that one for me. I will be no contact forever now. So everything feels so strange. Also a lot of the things I depend upon, came into question.
I depend a lot on a relationship internet site. Something happened there that really broke me. One woman wrote publicly to our leader, how she has followed the program, and believes it is wrong, that men do prefer strong women, and that we shouldn't dumb ourselves down for men. She said that she tried doing this and its not working.
So without any thinking on my part, I started to feel the intense emotions that this woman was feeling. I felt it too, that I was not going to dumb myself down for men. I had to think on that one for a bit. I got stuck.
But I personally never read on that site that we are to dumb ourselves down for men. That was her interpretation. But I felt that feeling and went along with that feeling. Then I started to think of where she might have gotten this. It is very juvenile of her to say the least. You see, we live in a society where the expectation is to be smart and beautiful and strong. This brings you adoration and love. So the story goes, but it never brings you true love. We want to be loved for being smart. Ok, I get that, but it is a lot of pressure to live with don't you think? And the truth of the matter is that we are not always smart, and beautiful and lovely. We aren't. We can't hold true to that at all times, its like this false self, that narcs have. Me, and other people can be pretty stupid at times. I might have done something smart at one time, but I just did something stupid, so what am I? So we need to see beyond that, where we know we want to be loved for love itself, not over anything we do.
Also too, it is taught, that crossing someone's boundaries is another thing. We are not to blow ourselves out of proportion in order to look good, to please, to try to add value, to please, it is not in keeping with the teachings. This is all explained very well, right throughout the site. I worry about what I am getting at here, do you know what I'm getting at? Be smart, be strong, there is nothing wrong with it.
How you interpret things, might not be as they actually are.
I'll give you another example. My son and I were recently talking about mother. He told me that I should have tried to understand her, that she might just need some help. He then went on to say that we are all just a step away from being murderers.
Oh really? I said to him. I told him that I am not a step away from being a murderer, and in our society that is what people are telling eachother, that we are all a step away from being a murderer.
Its disturbing to see that people don't want to try to understand anything anymore. They don't want to think for themselves, we have all become pod people. I talked to my son about that, and he eventually got the idea, that we are not all murderers at heart. He never felt like one, but he heard that somewhere, I had to tell him to think for himself.
Even in churches, they will berate you on bad deeds, and sin, however, I believe that it is taught very well in the bible, that the act of sin is not the sin, it is the heart. Ok, the act of sin is sin, but it is not by our actions that we correct that sin, we correct them from the heart. Read the book of Romans during a bible study and see how the people squirm. I believe that book requires us to empty out our heads and let our hearts understand.
I never felt our relationship site leader was about dumbing ourselves down to men. I never got that. I can see where someone else might make that interpretation though, given what we have in society.
So its hard to talk badly about a deceased parent. It feels wrong, I feel horrible. But yet I want to, and I seethe with these conflicting thoughts over and over and I can't seem to find my way out. Its as if by dying mother must have redeemed herself. When she died, she needs to be honored. But to me that would be totally fake.
Its not where I am with mother. She has done horrible things, and no amount of dying on her part will change that. I am not going to wake up tomorrow without the pain of narcissistic upbringing, I'm not. This goes on. What we struggle with on a daily basis is the result of that. Do I love mother? Can I at least appreciate her leaving me in her will?
I can tell you what you think you want to hear, but in reality, I can't change the horrible past she inflicted on me. It affects my future. I will continue to have to sift through the painful emotions, its as if her dying made things worse for me. She has made herself into the ultimate martyr. Forever, she is the alone woman who spent her last moments dying in her apartment trashing the place. This is the truth about who she was. How could someone end the last moments like that? I think as ACONs that we never said that narcs don't have feelings, just that they have feelings just for themselves. And primarily, that is what mother had, and was doing and feeling.
Overall, I do feel a sense of regret in my no contact. It was taken right up till her death. It was necessary, and my life would have been horrible if I didn't go NC, but still the feeling lingers. With passage of time, I'm sure I'll get to the point that this was necessary, not only for me, but for removing mother from supply. So for her sake it was good.
Still the struggle goes on. It is a trick of the mind. We think, we actually make up things that we want to see, but they don't really exist. If mother were to come back now, she would not have any regrets, tell me she was sorry, she would be right back doing the same evil stuff she has always done.
As far as the money in her life insurance goes, well, mother had to leave it somewhere. She couldn't take it with her. Why did she have extra after the burial? Why would she make sure that we had this extra? I don't know. But I am surely not going to jump to the conclusion that it is because she loved me afterall.
How do you interpret love?
How do you interpret real compassion?
How do you interpret reality?
Interpreting reality is very important if you don't want to just go with the masses. I like volunteer work for it feeds my soul, it meets my needs, and brings value to me. If I focus on being self sacrificing then I'm not really doing it for real, am I? Think about that for a moment. And this whole thing in churches, is that we are to "die to self", kinda throws a kink in the idea that God wanted people, not robots. Lots of things I think about. Things I'm not supposed to think about.
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