I've been enjoying life lately, living in peace. I was trying to put this posting up about a MN friend I used to have, but it was taking me forever, I was just wanting to enjoy life.
Mother died a couple of days ago. I'm surprised the family called to tell me. They were quick calls. One from the niece to inform me, another one from my brother, which I could hear his MN wife in the background, so I told him I had to get off the phone, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to hear his wife.
So it was back to quilting. I am making these tote bags to give away for birthdays, and I've got lot to do. Then a friend that I grew up with a long time ago called, same one I posted about before, I just shoved her off too. I'm busy, I'm working on some other quilt projects too, somehow this is becoming quite the addiction. Even with DH banging on the walls for his supper.
I had quite the series of doctors appointments. In my country, we don't pay for healthcare, so you get a call from the doctor to drag you in at a certain age. You don't have to go, but its good to go. I went. I remember a few years ago mother would have had me freaking out about it, and I would have cancelled. But since I know now that fear is no place to make decisions from, I decided to go.
So it was everything. The mammogram, the collorectal cancer testing, the blood tests, bladder, like I said, everything. If there is cancer roaming in my body, they will find it. Or diabetes or anything. Its been a week since, and I lived through it.
The mammogram is not that bad. It hurt a little, and the technician said I had the normal one. But she was funny, and bounded with some kind of energy that had me completely laughing at her antics. She said, "I'm going to run really fast to go and take the picture", in a very whimsical tone. I think if the tech was nonchalant I would have been singing grand opera. When someone is completely present with you it can make all the difference. I was very fortunate.
Then I treated myself to a nice pasta lunch and I found some nice fabric at the thrift store. When I got home I was sore, which I didn't notice during the testing.
So when I found out mother died, all I could think about was freedom. I can now go into that little town she lives in. And that mean nasty voice I hear is not so bad anymore. She is dead so has a lot of the old me. It feels safe to be myself. She can't talk to me mean anymore, she can't do anything destructive. She has not the keys to eliminate death. She couldn't live forever.
There is so much in the bible about MN's and I don't know how anyone avoids it. I just opened my bible and I found this:
DO NOT ENTER THE PATH OF THE WICKED, AND DO NOT WALK IN THE WAY OF EVIL. AVOID IT, DO NOT TRAVEL ON IT, TURN AWAY FROM IT AND PASS ON. FOR THEY DO NOT SLEEP UNLESS THEY HAVE DONE EVIL:
and here is my favorite part:
FOR THEY DO NOT SLEEP UNLESS THEY HAVE DONE EVIL, AND THEIR SLEEP IS TAKEN AWAY UNLESS THEY MAKE SOMEONE FALL.
PROVERBS 4:14-17
I've seen mother not sleep for she couldn't do evil. I also had a friend once who was so restless. She called it restless. I know a lot of Christians who will say that we all are like that, and that only speaks of a person's behaviour but not the person. But it is clearly written in the word, I don't need to say anything more about it.
Another thing, my older brother that died is not mentioned in the obituary.
Does it feel like closure? I can imagine that this has brought you some sense of relief. I know it would for me... Your mother sounds like she was nasty, so good for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is a small sense of closure knowing that her mouth is closed forever. She can't do anything else, and the flying monkeys will eventually give up for they do not have the engine that kept everyone going. They will just go on with their lives, and I hope no one else calls me. I won't be going to the funeral and that might cause a ruckuss, but eventually it will die down. Mother died alone, that's what the obituary said, so where was the loving family? Running and hiding and keeping away from her, only around enough to stir up shit, but pretending there was all this love.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about closure, I had to suffer a lifetime of abuse. Nothing can be fixed in this lifetime. Just knowing that the mouth that caused me so much pain is in the incinerator and bound for the cremation brings tons of relief though. Thanks Ellie.
Understand you not going to the funeral. I've seen other ACONs write about this.
Deletehttp://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/05/narcissist-death-beds-and-funerals.html
Yeah they may twitter and talk a bit, but they'll get over it.
As it turns out, I found out there is not going to be a funeral. So I am off the hook.
DeleteAs you know, my mother recently died too. At the time, I shed not a single tear because at age 93 she was in agony and begging to die. It meant I never had to deal with my father again.
ReplyDeleteI did shed a few tears when I got a card form the old man a couple of months later and saw that he'd already purchased new return address labels minus her name and had scribbled out her name on the enclosed cheque. Even as she lay there suffering he was demanding that I throw out her clothes and get rid of her keepsakes/family pictures and 72 year old wedding dress.
Guess I cried because I realized she sacrificed her life and her children to a malignant narc who couldn't wait to erase her memory because like any narc he cared for no one, not even his enabler and partner in crime.
If something happened to you or me, I'm guessing our narcissistic parents would do exactly what the old man did with my mother. Shed not a tear and ASAP erase us from their lives.
My mother died alone too because the NGC and my father were not willing to share the spotlight with a dying woman and old man's filthy mouth had finally set me free!
The wounds heal but the scars remain. I still consider myself broken and my recent stroke, diagnosed as stress induced, proved that to be true!
Q might suggest you get closure by going to spit on your mother's grave. IMO not a bad idea!
Yes even their fellow co-narc marriage partners when they die, they don't care.
DeleteI remember my husband remarking how my mother had cleaned out every reminder of my father from the house within months. It creeped out then and still does. They had been married 26 years. She had one teeny tiny frame of him, you could barely see, a little picture, it was put away. She got rid of his clothes within weeks and went on her shopping spree after her insurance pay-outs only weeks after his death.
Not surprised your narc father was the same way.
I am glad you broke away mulder.
Peep, I admit I cleaned out my husband's clothes shortly after he unexpectedly died. I had no chance to prepare myself for him dying at such a young age and think I needed it for closure. His car was still in the driveway exactly where he parked it beside mine and I fell apart every time I looked outta my window or tried to leave the house. After a week, I called a friend with a garage and begged him to take it away. I kept my husband's man cave frozen in time for 7 years and still wear his watch.
DeleteThing with my father was my mother was lying right there waiting to be moved to a hospice, and aware of what he was saying and doing. She begged him not to throw away her wedding dress which she had saved for 72 years and he said, "You stupid bitch, you won't need a wedding dress where you're going." I hid it when he left the room and took it to her later.
Wow your father sounds like a complete psycho....no mercy even for a dying woman. Did he abuse her too along the way? He definitely was abusive then. So sorry you lost your husband so young. :( I understand why you got rid of his clothes etc, it was a different process with my mother, she cleaned out his entire existence, lickety split.
DeleteYeah, he did erase her, they don't want to deal with anything that requires any feelings, unless it is about them. I did not shed a single tear at all. I didn't care, I have been living in reality for so long, not even a picture of mother on facebook was able to bother me. All I can think of is that I can go anywhere now, even into that little town she lived in. They have a lot of antique sales, and I always wanted to go and browse.
ReplyDeleteYour mother did sacrifice her life and children to this man who wanted to just erase her. This is why we have to live in reality. I can't go to her funeral simply because of the fake tears, no one cared, everyone was afraid, why don't they just say that? Mother's obituary was so boring, they might have just as well have said that she did nothing worthwhile in her life.
I believe as long as I am aware of the scars I will be fine. And not let my emotions go unchecked is the best prescription for me. They are all rooted in something, they have value and I am to work on that. I did find out that my blood pressure is fine, which is startling considering how freaked out I get. But I am learning to control what I can but not try to control everything, this is good for me too. Its hard for me to accept that I can't control everything, and I don't know why I'm like that.
I hope your recovery is well under way. It takes a while, which is another thing that is not in our control. Some is in our control, it is pure magic to find that balance. Healing and therapy is all we can do.
I know scars remain, and I can handle being around people too long, I get confused and scared. My feelings are crazy sometimes.
I've actually thought of spitting on mother's grave.
You ever see that story Joan about the kids who wrote a real obit for a narc?
DeleteThe fact the siblings still talk to each is RARE< most narcs would have them hating each other.
http://gawker.com/this-brutal-obituary-is-a-reminder-to-be-good-to-your-c-1286582748
I wanted to avoid my grandmother's funeral watching all the phonies cry with their fake tears.
I'll have to check that out when I have a moment. The funeral is supposed to be for the living, in narc families the funeral is for the dead and they still keep up the act for the head narc.
DeleteYeah narc funerals are the worse. Mine do full Catholic wakes, that are an exercise in horrific misery. Think hours of rosaries, standing by the coffin for three days, complete 1 and half hour Catholic Mass where they haul the coffin into the church, and it's a giant expensive production. I am sure some houses could have been bought for family members in some cases instead of these productions if a cheaper cremation had been done. I have written in my own will, that I am not to be buried in the family cemetary and no Catholic ceremonies done. Yes usually the GC ascends to head narc upon the death of the "matriarch" or the "patriarch". Do you have a new narc ascending in your family now?
DeleteMy family is blown apart. There is only one brother and sister left and they haven't spoken in years.
DeleteThey destroy multitudes of relationships. While I did the card sending to nieces and nephews who ignored me it has occured to me my brother has nothing to do with my sister and her kids and vice versa. I think she called him once when he got open heart surgery but there is no relationship there. He is not sending cards or presents to her kids and probably barely knows them or cares. He has a new family that came along with his present girlfriend. Guess he is lucky there. My family is blown apart too. She succeeded in ruining any closer relationship with my brother. She has demanded his loyalty and time first for her money.
DeleteYeah, she sacrificed everything that mattered and her golden child and husband didn't even bother with an obituary. No funeral or memorial of any kind which is not surprising because they could have milked the grieving husband and son act for all it was worth. I'm guessing they still do.
ReplyDeleteI got a 70th birthday email from the NGC which I decided not to post even though I know my readers would have torn it to shreds which would have delighted him! Shared it privately with Q, Jonsi, TW and Rev Renee. All of us had a ball with it!
Way back in the day I had a sweet mum who was kind and loving. At some point she decided to put self-preservation ahead of her kids. Guess that's who I shed a tear for. But then, I would have pitied anyone who died the way she did. Karma went way over the top with that one!
Since my stroke my boundaries and intolerance for assholes are growing stronger by the minute. Filter is pretty much shot (hope I never get it back) so when I cut them outta my life they get told why. Who knew a brush with death could be a positive experience that puts everything and everyone on perspective?
I consider my scars badges of honour and proof that I made it out alive.
Getting better everyday! Thanks Joan!
No obituary or funeral. I think my foo would love to do that to mother as well, just they don't know how to not do it. I think the obituary was a form letter, very basic. I think it would be funny to see that birthday email it would help a lot of people who deal with family members. When my brother called he sounded all teary, but I heard his crazy wife in the background. I didn't know why she does that. I don't talk in the background when DH talks to his family, it is wrong. But she always talks, and loudly, and overpowers, and controls. I had no time for their bullshit, I left the phonecall, saying I didn't want to talk. Why so many crazy people in the family.
DeleteI heard that sometimes people change from sweet to crazy, I think someone told me that. Yes, scars are badges of honor, which is something we have to keep secret from the rest of the world so they don't think we are crazy, which is something I hope we can overcome someday.
If you wanna see the NGC's email, just get in touch with me at the email attached to my blog.
DeleteYep I want to see it, I just lost track of my email right now, and I need help to find it. Aaack.
DeleteI wouldn't mind seeing it. If you don't mind. Send to my profile email, its my blog name with gmail.com
DeleteI hope her death gives you the peace she never afforded you in life.
ReplyDeleteYep, its way more peaceful. Its hard to explain. She doesn't exist anymore. I know we were NC and all, but still there was this chance she could contact me at anytime, now she can't.
DeleteTo chime in with Mulderfan it's kind of funny how long it takes for the people she surrounded herself with to show their true colors.
ReplyDeleteThe deal after my mother's death reminds me of a letter to the editor that was in the "National Lampoon" waaaay back. They wrote all the letters themselves so they could use it as a tertiary way to mock their targets. Right after Jimmy Carter gave the Panama Canal back to Panama they had a letter "written" by the panamanians and they were supposedly acting about like Gollum in the Lord of the Rings. Saying we got it back we got it back now we can piss in it and crap in it and do anything we want and no one can tell us not to because it's all ours and nobody elses. That what I envision my ex doing after she rolled my mother into the grave. I can picture her barely able to contain herself going I got it all I got Doug's family pictures .......Pictures of his ancestors that I don't even know who all they are and I can burn them in his mother's driveway and I can use them for toilet paper after I take a dump and no one can stop me. They can't even slow me down. I HAVE IT ALL! And it's mine, mine, mine my precious it's all mine
ReplyDeleteCuz she damn sure didn't give anything back to us. Not one box of thin air set on our porch in the middle of the night. What she didn't want went straight to the dump.
ReplyDeleteI know your mother left your ex everything, its too bad she had it to give. I don't even know what kind of estate mother left, but it probably goes all to my sister. My father left his farm (mother and he were separated a long time before he died) he left his farm to my brother and his crazy wife. My brother loves to say, "There is no money that father left." Interesting play on words. I know the farm my father left him was paid off by dad, for that is how dad operated. Cash on the barrel.
DeleteAt one time I gave my mother a native artifact as a gift, and other gifts I gave her, I am sure I will not be getting any of that stuff back.
Well, this is the crazy we have to deal with.
The older I get the more I refuse to keep my family's dirty little secrets. That's how the bastards were able to keep up the abuse for all those years. Blabbing was also how I got to see the NGC's true colours.
ReplyDeleteMy old man gave back carefully selected gifts with a sneer on his face or nasty remarks within seconds of receiving them, even when I was a kid and had saved up my allowance to buy them. As an adult I still kept trying to find the right gift so the bastard would love me. Gradually got to the point that I didn't even bother with a card. That's when he started sending cheques and never approved of how I spent the money. Finally, when he asked what I bought, I'd say "Gee I thought it was a gift that became mine when I received it." After that, the cheques got smaller each year because I told him I was just giving the money away.
How do you buy gifts for narcs who already have everything and are never happy with anything. They are all spoiled. I will still remember one of those last family Christmases where Aunt Scapegoat is handing out bags of pasta and used books, and I have some painted picture frames I made and my mother is doing her endless show offs.
DeleteYes they love to control everything. I couldn't even leave my apartment, and when I did she would stalk me with phonecalls. She wasn't one to give gifts, never was. She would lend money to those who needed it, then complain to everyone, and as long as she would have a dig in, she was happy.
ReplyDeleteShe always liked to see the hurt look on my face, caused by her. I had the car repainted just so she would stop talking to everyone about the rust. I had a job that would replace the car in no time, but she tormented me on everything. The apartment was falling apart, but I had a roof over my head and a job that would take me out of that soon. Their was not just the fact there was no support, it was worse than that. But I'm sure the foo complains that I was just a spoiled brat.
Nothing was ever good enough.
DeleteI got lectured on so many poverty caused things it wasn't funny. So wonder I got triggered by the Fix-It Queens I had to boot out of my life. YES I would like my apt painted and a new carpet in my apt, but there IS NO MONEY TO DO IT or MONEY to PURCHASE the labor to make it happen. Jerks. I would get the sneers and rolling eyes. Of course I noticed my mother even mocked a few nice dresses I got a hold of [one a 400 dollar Peggy Lutz dress that a friend gave me when she lost weight] and wore so probably if I was a millionaire, she would have mocked my taste.
I always got it in spades over my clothes. But my mother could go the other way and say I paid too much too, or say it was too expensive, either way I was screwed. There was no average price for anything. I couldn't please her.
DeleteYeah they criticize everything and anything. if you have money you spend too much etc. I used to get bitched out for visiting friends on the train and eating out in my 20s. Some of my fondness memories. The narcs wanted me to be miserable.
DeleteMy sister really put it in perspective when she said this was tantamount to my grandmother leaving the farm to my stepfather's first wife. My mother would have lost her mind. But that's exactly what my mother did. Oh well they are all dead and yet we live on.
ReplyDeleteSorry for spewing all over your comment section. I guess I just think I have those issues put to bed. Feel free to delete anything that got too rambly.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh I don't delete anyone's comments. We have kept the silence for decades, now is the time we get to talk. Its not hard for me to imagine your mother siding with your ex, I remember a few times I would hear these seedy conversations between women like that. They didn't like each other but take care of eachother, it was weird. It seems like your family's farm meant nothing to your mother, just a tool to use it to cause hurt.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what we ever did to them. Its not like that, they don't need a reason, just stick it to someone so they can get some peaceful sleep.
Hi JOan,
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling okay and that you do have the closure mentioned above. Yes maybe some relief too and now you won't have to worry about her hurting you again or trying to. No more smear campaigns. I guess even after they die we will always grieve the mother we never got.
I am glad you feel free and don't have to worry about running into her again.
Do you think it will change any relationships for the better?
The narcs are definitely restless, yes even the Bible points to that.
Hi Peep, it does feel better. She can no longer hurt me, but I don't have any options of confronting her either. I always thought the day would come when I would be super strong and give it to her. But that is gone too. Not that it matters, but its just feelings is all.
ReplyDeleteClosure came for me when I discovered the truth about her, that it wasn't me and that there was no pleasing her. I felt alive for the first time that day. But no smear campaigns either so that's good. I'm not sure if I can reconcile with the FOO, they have their own problems to deal with, regarding their own abuse, and they remain rather toxic for me. They will cross boundaries, and try to force me into their bubble and I can't have that.
But thanks. It seems strange to feel great about the death of mother. I can't talk to anyone here on the outside, and it looks like I'm a monster for not grieving or shedding a tear. I'll have to talk about that in more detail, it is strange how this is not even on anyone's radar. That this was not a normal mother, and my kids and hubby, well, I thank God there is not going to be a funeral, for he wanted us all to go as a family, and I was unable to communicate to him that I am not hiding my pain, or trying to be strong or anything like that. Its like a non-thing for me, but not to regular people.
I am glad you feel better Joan and understand. yes the normal world would be horrified, but RELIEF is what comes to the ACON. She can't hurt you any longer. I know I wonder about that confrontation thing, maybe I'm getting it in that if she has found my blog LOL Just remember even if you told her off, talking to them is like talking to brick walls. I did cuss mine out in my 20s [first NC]and it made no difference. She just got revenge.
DeleteSo I had the feelings about being super strong too, and fully understand that. I have daydreams about getting super-wealthy and driving by her house in a new Mercedes and giving her the finger from my rolled down car window. Ah daydreams LOL.
Yeah don't push reconcilation with the FOO. I know I have those fantasties too, oh she is old, maybe I can have some of the family back upon her demise, but the majority betrayed me same as she did. My family is narc filled too and another one will simply take her place. Mine don't want me anyhow and made that clear. Even one cousin who was nice and visited seems horrified by things I have said and "follows" the script, so there is no real allies.
Why cry for someone who did not love us? We already shed enough tears.
Your family not having a funeral for her, says something big to me you know...not even an informal memorial service?
No, nothing. And our government gives $2500 for funerals. Its so strange. They'll be burying the ashes in the spring, that's about it.
DeleteFound out the hard way, when my husband died, our government also taxes that $2,500 and taxed me for pulling money outta his RRSP to pay the funeral home!
DeleteI kept THEIR dirty little secret for far too many years. When "normal" people hear my story, they instantly believe it and are horrified that people like our parents exist. Even animals have a natural instinct to nurture and protect their young. We are not monsters, they are! We owe ABSOLUTELY NO ONE an explanation for how we choose to deal with their deaths. Both of my brothers were completely fucked up by my parents and for many years I tried to help them only to have the younger one turn on me and treat me worse than my parents.
ReplyDeleteI finally decided it was time for some self-care so I'm no longer the family caretaker, worried about everyone's happiness, while life passes me by.I plan to enjoy what time I have left in the company of people who love me.
A lot of SGs can get put into caretaker rolls. I think they planned that role for me, my father was always blathering on about how I needed to take care of him. I already served for my sister who almost died of a rare disease when we were young told take care of your sister. Yeah she sure needed taking care of, the one who ended up with one of the most easy lives in the universe while no one took care of me and I need serious medical intervention. They see us as expendable. Aunt Scapegoat doesn't realize they use her as their object of pity. I refused so they just threw me away and I served no use as a caretaker either. They just use people. I'm glad you are away from your family and hope you can get some great years.
DeleteYeah, I do speak my piece. Its like they think I just have a spat going on with mother. When you live in reality, you know you didn't have a mother. And this is enough for me. Well, they seemed to have left me alone about the issue. I don't have anything that is unresolved, or looking for closure even. It is what it is.
DeleteI saw this movie once where this girl was stolen from her natural mother by an evil woman. The evil woman brought her up, when she found out what happened, her natural mother was looking for her for over 10 years. The girl, around 17, never looked back at the woman who stole her. Its sort of like that for me.
My niece posted a picture of mother holding her sister's baby. It looks like the old woman is going to eat that child. It was terrifying actually.
I am glad you speak your piece. yes mine see me too as "being in a fight" and being "unforgiving". Why should I go back for more abuse? I'd ask them all that. I posted a bunch of narcissistic mother info on my Facebook wall for the ones I am in contact with, so if they don't get it by now they never will. There will be no closure, yeah we have to accept that. Seeking it we would only be burned and reset themselves up.
DeleteWell you know I question my origins, I'd never look back too just like that falsely adopted girl. When I slammed the door in her face when she showed up at my apt, I felt nothing. I didn't even care enough to flick her off or yell. What is there left to say? I said it all and all she mewed was "I didn't do nutthing" over and over. Yeah it's scary to see them holding babies. I felt sorry for the two year olds birthday party she went to.
When you are up to it I would love to hear the details about you mother's house. All the way down to which fork she used for what course. I mentioned this in a recent post. So if you want space and time put it in a comment and I won't post the comment but will edit around the reference to you. Something about your comment has drawn me like a moth to flame. It's just so out of character for what I expect from narcs. I did some weird stuff when I was sick but I got better and and and I'll shut up for now.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'll be getting to it. Just been so sick, have a bad cold, hard to sit at the computer. Darn, I want a laptop I can sit up with in bed.
DeleteKarma: Use the money your mother left you to buy a laptop, sit in bed and write the truth about her.
DeleteGood idea, thanks MF.
Delete