What's Next?

Today I decided to make some soup out of the leftovers in the fridge.  Two kinds, I have some roast leftover and some chicken.  I desperately want to use up the celery I have in the fridge that was 4 dollars.  Since when was celery 4 dollars?  But we needed some one day for a macaroni salad, so I still have lots.

I get a little confused, this is a daunting task, and my current issue is this quilting I'm working on.  I was afraid that I had too little to do for the coming week, and I wanted to make some things, not sure what.  But to tell you the truth, I have this whole installment on a queen size quilt to work on plus the stained glass quilt I'm working on.  I'll have to show you the stained glass quilt I'm making, its gorgeous, when I'm done.  Still I feel like I don't have enough quilting going on.

We have our meeting tomorrow night where we decide on what we are making for the upcoming month of March.  I'm excited to find out what we are going to be making, for I feel like I don't have enough to do and need some more.  I don't know where this feeling is coming from.  As I sit here typing talking about the soup I'm going to be making, and haven't started yet.  And I don't have enough quilting to do?

Makes no sense.  You see it is these feelings I have to deal with constantly.  I always feel like something is wrong.  When DH has his days off, its difficult for me to get things done.  He's off right now clearing the road and that is why I have time to write.

Oh and I'm going to be making meatballs too.  Lots of meatballs.  Still I don't have enough to do. Even though I'm feeling very overwhelmed.  So I feel guilty about writing when I have so much, but it is important, very important for me to write.  Especially right now and share and try to explore why I feel the way I do.

I feel frustrated for I haven't gone to see my sister yet on getting the family pictures.  And I am terrified of getting the phonecall from my aunt telling me that she has paid the bills and the rest of the installment on mother's life insurance is ready for me to pick up.  Lots of little vulnerable things to do, and although I do believe in vulnerability, I don't believe vulnerability works with these people.

And my aunt's husband seems to have an explosive temper.  He is an Irishman straight from Tipperary, well, you can understand my feelings here.  So I'm glad I still have this bad cold and can't venture too far as not to expose anyone to germs.  Although, that is not my authentic reasons for not doing anything.  Authenticity goes out the window for my family, no it is dangerous actually.

To tell the truth, I am not interested in continuing a relationship with any members of my family. They all treat me with disrespect, and cross my  boundaries.  You see, my sister has said and did horrible things to me, but she will not take that into consideration, when she berates me for telling her to get lost when I met her last.

It is a very painful place to be in.  Oh, and I am doing laundry too.  Ok, now that mother is gone, I am still the child that is spoiled rotten.  If you read my older writings, you will see how the game was played, how mother spoiled me and left herself deprived.  She played the martyr, and I was to feed that even when I was very little.  They still see me that way.  It hurts to even think about any contact with any members of my family.

So they will cross any and all boundaries I will have, and because of that I can't bring DH with me, he won't understand.  So I have to go alone.  Can't even bring any of my kids either, they won't understand either.  This "family" will make everyone believe I was a spoiled brat, and that I want everything.  I think this is why mother kept me in the will.