Mother Rampaged her Apartment

I think this is the worst cold I ever had.  I think it must be like cholera, or typhus or plague, I've been just down for the count.  DH has been sick too, he took the bereavement leave from work just to recover.  Bereavement leave for mother's death.  He said he wouldn't have, but he's so sick, we both are.

Yes, he's been home, off on "bereavement leave".  This means that mother is still making my life miserable.  lol Of course I'm just kidding.

I am taking cold medication, and I swear I am getting high from it.  This dopey feeling lasts for hours, I've been talking in circles about little things, but its either dopey or feel like sheeet.

On the bright side we did get a new water system installed, for we got scammed from the last company.  Would you believe we have been trying to get good water here for years and all we run into is scammers?  Unfortunately, it is kinda our fault really, we did not want to pay what was needing to be paid.  He tried to get it cheaper, and nothing worked.  We ended up with a pH of 0, almost poisonous, so we got a real water company in.  Water is good now, water feels good, I got to see what stainless steel sinks actually look like without being constantly covered in sludge.  Had to pay the real price though, but it was a learning lesson.

So back to mother.  I was asked what her place looked like.  Well, she decorated from yard sales, and had no taste for color schemes, couldn't decorate, but don't tell her that, not unless you want to get permanently emotionally scarred for life.

But she kept things clean and orderly.  Washed dishes after every meal.  Made the bed by pulling off all the covers right down to the bottom sheet, and put it all back together.  At the end she lived in an apartment.  She did her laundry at the laundromat for she hated to use the laundry room in her building, for she didn't like who would be there.  She never liked anyone really.

She owned too many towels, too many blankets, too much of everything.  You could almost feel sorry for her, you would think this was caused by a life of deprivation.  It very well could be.  She had no education, and no she would not even care which fork to use at dinner or for what course.

Her mannerisms were masculine.  She did not approve of frou frou, would make it wrong.  She made everything else that she wasn't wrong.  Not just wrong, she would hate you for it.  I was afraid to dress up around her.  I would have to be down and out to get her approval.  But then again, I would not get her approval, for she would have just said that it was cheap.  I remember buying 10 dollar curtains and she said they were too cheap.

Everything she did was right.  She scrubbed her floors down on her hands and knees and then put down very frayed mats.  She never seemed to notice the frays, just that they were clean frays.  She would not try to tuck them under, just leave them stick out.  Btw, don't let mother catch you using anything else but Lestoil to clean your floors.  Don't you dare!  But this was her least offensive quirk, the rest are just deadly.  Sunlight to do the dishes, Tide for the laundry, etc.

No, nothing fancy.  Pink jogging pants and blue shirt, she was off to the grocery store.  She actually left the price tags on her running shoes that she wore, just in case she wanted to bring them back. Actually, lots of her stuff had the price tags on them, just in case she wanted to bring them back and get her money back.

It came as a surprise that my aunt told me that mother tore her apartment up badly before she died. The police put up the ropes and stuff and ran a full investigation before letting anyone in.  The place was in shambles.  Everything was torn up, thrown, broken.  Apparently, there won't be any of mother's possessions for us to take for there is nothing left.

She died right next to the door to the balcony.  They figured she was heading that way, and it looks like she bumped her head.  They think she was dead for 3 days before they found her.

Here's what I think.  I think she was going through a narcissistic crisis.  This is where they are void of any supply for a long time, and well, they just go crazy.  I remember reading about that.  I heard that they can practically turn into a vampire.  I don't know if she was trying to get the other tenants to come over and see what was going on, to try to get some supply or whatever.  But no one came around and she just died.

I've been thinking of it a lot now lately, and it seems so strange.  What a way to go.  Nothing left, she tore her place apart.

I was her best supply.  And she was without me for years.  God did not design me to be mother's narc supply, but I still feel badly.

I can feel sorry for her.  Part of me feels wrong.  What if I'm the culprit, and I didn't do what I was told, and she died because of me.  And she did leave me in her will, I get half of mother's life insurance after the bills are paid.  So I started to feel really badly.

You see, I've been on this lifetime quest, trying to figure out why I'm so messed up and scared all the time.  I've felt I was blamed for it.  How did this happen to me?  And why?

So when I got the answers online, I was so relieved.  It gave me the answers.  Not "cured" of my problems, but now I know why.  And really that is all I wanted.  So when all goes wrong and I feel messed up again, at least I can see why.

Mother died that way threw me for a loop.  I was worried I was wrong.  Then I would be back at the drawing board.

If this is confusing please let me inform you of more in the comments section.  There are more specifics, I just can't think of them.