Personal Growth

I made this, it is my first quilting block

I knew hubby's buddy from the woods out here was MN almost right from the get go.   You can read about it in this article I wrote a few months ago An Evil Narcissist.  He very recently got me going about something.  It's about my quilting.  I'm taking a class.  Well, buddy said that this lady down the road does quilts, that she has never taken a class, she is very good at it.  I said to him, "Nobody pulls this out of their ass, its not just sewing up two pieces of fabric together and calling it a quilt."

He said, "Oh I don't know how she does it she is very good."

I was getting all huffy and feeling badly about myself when suddenly I realized he was at it again. Then I said, "You are such a nice guy, I have the most wonderful conversations with you".  He was happy about that and I went on and on then when we were alone in the room, "Your evil, aren't you? Why not be honest about it."  lol, I didn't want to say that, I wanted to growl at him when we were alone, but oh well.

He got up looked outside the window then left.  This all went over hubby's head.  So I don't know what started him to not want to do the roads anymore.

Well hubby emailed that guy and told him this is costing too much and he won't be doing it anymore. That guy emailed back with the most invalidating response ever.  He said that it wasn't costing, he was making money, called him a liar basically, told him he is still OBLIGATED to finish off the winter.  Then ended the conversation with "I'm still your buddy".  Never mind the email was a mile long, in English and English is not hubby's first language, and this guy knows that.  Weeeelllll.  My hubby ain't too sweet on that guy anymore. He called him a freeloader, called everyone out here a freeloader and that was that.  You remember that account of an Evil Narcissist?  I was really struggling with this before.

They don't have any other way to get their roads done, they will have to figure it out or learn to drive a tank on these rustic roads to clean it, or move out and sell their property.  But its done.

I know everyone is going to blame me for this.  That evil narcissist has been out for me since day 1, and I won.  You hear that?  I won.  I am gloating, I am excited, I feel as though a glorious event just happened.  and I never went to war about this.  I just practiced my relationship stuff, that was it.

I've been reluctant to talk about this online, but also my hubby has quit drinking.  Case of beer on each day off, and its done.  I don't like to say it because, well, I don't want to give women here false hope that my relationship advice did this.  I think it did, but of course, with everything there are no guarantees.  There are no guarantees, and if you practice these things, you will have to grow yourself first.  This was a marriage of convenience, and he told me straight off, "I like my beer, get used to it." Hmmm.  Ok, but I was not really caring about that at the time.  I was trying to escape mother.

Ok, all I did was just give him, "Passionate, constant, feedback."  I know that doesn't make any sense. It's a place you go to in your mind, to draw your actual feelings out.  Emotional resources.  No
bullshit.  No nonsense.  But this is a personal blog, I'll tell you.  Well, there was this time I did call him a drunk.  He asked, "You're calling me a drunk?"

As authentically as I could with this bubbling fear, I said, "Yes, what's wrong with that?  My father was a drunk, what have you got against drunks?"

I tell you nothing more was said.  There were a few other things, but I always used my relationship skills.  Then he stopped drinking.

But I don't want to give anyone any false advice, there are no guarantees.  You can't go into anything with expectations, just do it.  There might be some that are offended by this, and his ex left him over his drinking.  But I saw a wonderful and dedicated guy, so I decided to get my head out of my own butt.

If you think that there is some things you have just have to accept out of life, then your only intention is maintaining the status quo.  You are not willing to do anything, you are only worried about the status quo.  And as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow there will be something that will sabotage you, you are done already.  I have come from a lifetime of counselling and abuse.  I am well qualified to say this.

There is a part two to this.  Well, we have been really communicating.  I mean really communicating. I told you before this was a marriage of convenience and no passion.  That was before.  Now we communicate.  This time he told me a little too much.

I asked him, "I'm just curious how you got to doing the roads."

He said, "My ex blabbed to everyone here that I would do the roads for them, and one day I found myself trapped in it."



Yuck, you ask for openness, you never know what you'll get.

This is a problem.  I kept to myself for a bit.  I didn't know what to say.  It hit me like a load of bricks. I knew what was going on. He has been doing these roads for 4 years, on the word of his ex. I'll keep it simple for you. There is such a thing as emotional commitment that men have for women. That they get locked in and its hard for them to escape.  Even if they want to.  It's really hard. A man can only have Emotional commitment for only one woman.  Do not forget that.  It is something to watch out for when beginning a relationship.

But the real part of me is screaming out, "It doesn't matter anymore, he is over it, it is done, and it's a good thing you didn't know."  Hmmm, trapped into something like that?  He never wanted to do it?

But he hasn't been doing anything to take care of her.  I know the opportunity existed, to help her out with this and that, as he showed me the emails she sent him.  He didn't go over, or even responded to the emails.  I know I've seen some sad stories of some women in love with men and that the men go and help the ex-wife out every chance he gets.  It's so sad.  There is a key to unlock him, however, that requires an intense love and understanding, and steps that must be taken.  I didn't read that much about it.  I hated that part.

He wasn't taking care of his ex at all, but he was compelled to do the roads, for 4 years, because she started it.  He tried to get out of it once but his "buddy" talked him into it again.  He's been trying to get out of it, and for the first time he was telling me this.

In the beginning I knew he was being pimped out to her family and friends because he has mechanical and building skills.  All that stopped immediately, and then he got a few rude emails, trying to make him feel obligated, which he just ignored.

Some things are really hard.  A few days later, I asked him, "I'm not blaming you for anything, but I'm curious how you got yourself so whipped.  That is not who you are."

Silence.  Its funny how this sounded mean of me, but it was truly authentic.  And it's not about being nice.  Nice is being needy.  Nice puts you in line for abuse, at least it used to for me.  In my past I would do anything to be nice, but it was only because I wanted approval.  No human being should take that from another.  Authenticity hardly ever requires being nice, and I find that part easy.  It might be a side effect of being a hollowed out husk, but wouldn't that actually make it scary?  I don't know why I find that part easy.

He is not that weak.  He calls people on their bullshit.  He's strong, he even calls me on my bullshit. He is hardly ever afraid.  I rely on his strength.  I'm scared to explore this, my God what has happened?  Who is this?

It doesn't matter anymore.  Oh, yes it does matter.  If he is this easily influenced or controlled, that is something bad.  This forms a habit, and he still has that habit.  I first felt so angry.  So I felt that anger. There was a certain loss of significance for me how he would acknowledge her and still be controlled by her.  Do I care to explore this?  Do I care enough to even want to try to help him with this?  Does it matter to me that he has a problem, he can't help himself with? Do I want to use compassion and understanding to help him?  This is a road to take, do I want to take it?  Or do I want to bitch with jealousy for his ex controlling him for the last 4 years?  Choices.  Who would have thunk it?  This would require some serious climbing out of my butt ie dealing with my feelings about it and helping him.  Yep, hard work.

So yeah, his buddy has targeted me, and now has to figure out a way to do his own roads and I'm gloating.  For narc supply feed he might have to sell and get out.  I didn't intentionally cause this. This was done by the man's own hands.  My true intention is never to harm.

When I learned about relationships, it became very apparent to be as vulnerable as possible.  There is not a thing wrong with vulnerability.  But it is not just vulnerability, it is called high value vulnerability.  This brings in the most adoring and loving men into our lives.  So vulnerability is not a bad thing then.  Good people want it, MN's want it too.  How do I define the difference?  How?  One loves and cherishes it, one stomps on it.

Well, for one thing, it is easy to see when someone is vulnerable, truth be told, it gives a man something he's been craving, which is honesty.  He can't function trying to figure you out.  This is hard for them.  I have done it.  I have resorted at times to play games to try to win his affection, to try to get him to understand me.  But all he can see is that I'm playing a game, and being a normal guy he will walk away, it won't feel natural for him.  Now the MN guy will love to see the game I'm playing and assume that I won't do anything to get my needs met and he doesn't mind that.  He'll enjoy me suffering in this state, he is not interested in a partner.  He is looking for food for life.  Narcissistic supply for life.  He will be drooling for it.  This is what I'm used to and this is why I tried to hide vulnerability.  Hiding vulnerability brings the douchebags that only want sex for one night. Or abusive relationships.

This requires of me absolute loss of significance, of going through fear, the risk of not being accepted.  Low and behold these are big things.  I have been trained by a malignant narcissist bitch of a mom that I am to hold on to those things or die.  She taught me that all significance is important, that it bestows on me the reason she allowed me to live.  I've spoken of significance before.  It is a powerful human core value.  It was my significance that kept me alive.  Going through fear?  That one is just great, she taught me that fear is to be avoided at all costs, stay in the house in your pajamas if you have to, just avoid fear.  Acceptance?  Well, this was demanded out of me, as you can see, well, scapegoats were never accepted, and it is a wonder how any of us ever survived. Regardless, we hate not being accepted.

Ok, I just told him that I don't blame him but there is something I want to talk about.  His face went stiff, and he said no.  Did I do something wrong here?  No.  Should I express myself now?  No.  I have to wait it out and respect his boundaries and trust him.  And pray.  If I had a good mommy should would tell me, "Oh my, sometimes its a process, that pain can be a process, but we must first enter that process and be willing".  To feel scared and pain?  Yes.  But I just want to tear into him and let him have it.  Well, that is making a decision from fear.  Feel fear and pain, don't avoid it.  But my hardwiring is telling me that I will die at this point.  Must do something.  No.

This is such an excellent exercise in personal growth.  I wish I would have stumbled on it decades ago.