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Thursday, February 12, 2015

Hypervigilance

After writing this I'm afraid this won't make any sense.   All my life, I had no way of explaining what was wrong with me, therapists couldn't help me.  There were no answers.  Therapists told me I had PTSD, so bad that it was like I was on a grenade and the thing went off and I lived through it.  I've never been in that situation, so my symptoms continued.  I've been trying to dumb things down here in the blog, for I feel that is what I would have wanted to find if I found this blog years ago.

It deals with emotions and the history of my life and how fear has made a home in me.  We dare to feel?  Yes, we must.  We must stay alive and go on, dealing with those very things that would have had us killed while we were growing up. but now it will destroy us if we don't experience them.

Figure out ways to make yourself cry again.  Watch sad movies, sad songs.  A song I posted recently always makes me cry.  Feel again.  If its hard to do in front of people just do it alone for the time being.  It is not that we are manipulating our emotions by making ourselves cry.  We have been trained not to cry, so cry.

I feel it is very important to feel all your emotions.  Feel them down deeply.  I'll admit, I've been lazy at this at times, because it is much easier to maintain the status quo of my life.  I'll stay in abusive situations because that is what I've been trained to do, it was easier.  So this is hard work.  I don't mean to say lazy as a MN calls a person lazy, just to make you feel bad.  Lazy might just mean there is something else going on entirely, so we sit around and hope for things to just change, because we don't know what else to do.  So the entire job is about feeling no matter what.

In an hour I have to go fill the woodstove.  This involves going outside and into the dark.  It's a bit of a walk to go out to the garage, that is where the woodstove is.  Not much, but a little, just enough for some trepidation.  I am alone tonight, and although I love the peaceful surroundings out in the bush, I have a tendency to be really afraid when I'm here alone at night.

I wish we would get a big dog.  I'm not fond of dogs, so I can't just have one around just for that reason.  But I dream of a dog that is German Shepherd, one that is regal.  One that doesn't mind holding his own and not demand attention.  He would have the freedom to roam around here, it would be perfect for him, but I am not a dog lover, but I think I would love a regal German Shepherd. But, with my luck I would have a big needy dog that is afraid of its shadow, just like me.

It might be possible for me to post tonight about hypervigilance.  Times like this I swear I could run a hundred mile dash in five minutes.  But here's what I do.  I go out the door with the flashlight, I look around with the flashlight to make sure there are no predatory wildlife in the yard.  I look down to see if there are prints in the snow.  If that is ok, I walk with my ears and eyes peeled as quickly to the garage as I can.

I'm the one who usually keeps the fire.  Even at night.  But when I'm alone like now it creeps me out worse.  Tonight I keep hearing things outside, or am I?  I'm very hypervigilante, even locking the door at night because I heard Bigfoot can open doors.  The wind is howling tonight.  I am alone till the morning.  My husband is at work until morning.

I can't ever hear wolves out here.  I know that wolves are noisy, so I'm sure there are none here. There are coyotes though, I've seen one run across the road once while driving.  We have bears, but they are hibernating.  So I think its just the coyotes and wolverines perhaps.  I don't know what other predatory wildlife, and that they will hurt me, are out here.  Not just predators, but what if I walk outside and find a big moose in front of the garage?

Ok, enough of that.  Just wanted to show you how hypervigilance works.  In my opinion, it is a gift. It keeps us alive right?  Safe?  I'm not sure if I'm even using the right terminology here.  I think hypervigilance means its above the normal, but how normal do you have to be to not be extremely hypervigilant about wildlife with big teeth?  I think it does compare, you can correct me if I'm wrong. But for now I'm going to write what's best for me.  And this feels right.

As an ACON I grew up in a hypervigilante state.  Remember now this is a gift.  We are alive because of it.  Celebrate you have that hardwiring, it has kept our ancestors safe.  It was designed over centuries of battles, wartimes, plague, starvation you name it.  And you have it, you own it.  It is beautiful.


THE PROBLEM

I spent so much time in counselling.  Hypervigilance has destroyed my life, I couldn't work, sleep, eat or feel.  Everything goes to hypervigilance and knowing what was the right thing to do or not.  We never knew did we?  We always got into trouble regardless when we were growing up.  We would get better with hypervigilance, only to get slammed down again.  Hypervigilance increases.  Mother found more ways to unsettle me, this was exciting for her, she got supply.  Now I know that no matter how hypervigilante I would get, I would slammed down.  It was a need for narcissistic supply.

Our nervous systems were on overload, we got better at it, but we could never really protect ourselves, so the hypervigilance went on higher and higher till it reached its peak.  But what was the peak?  The peak is fight or flight, or better known as PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I have mountains of counselling materials, books I picked up, little sayings I've saved.  All my life. Even though I had trouble holding on to some things, these things never left me.  I would have given anything to have my blog to read right now.  A time machine into the future just to retrieve one thing, my blog.

I spent my life as a mental health patient.  I'll say it again, I spent my life as a mental health patient. But I never was.  I was a normal person reacting to trauma.  And this is how my mind and body reacts to trauma, and this is very normal.  We want to respond to trauma, hypervigilance is a gift. I have to wonder how many people died in the face of battle because they lacked the ability to go into a super hypervigilant state.

But I can't seem to cope past it now.  It locks me down and holds me there till I can breathe normally again.  Its actually trying to help me cope, its keeping me alive, this is a gift.  But it no longer feels like a gift.  It feels like hell.  It feels horrible when you get invited to a party, or to some other social event. Its this feeling of panic that wells up, that scares people.

Woo boy, I can tell you it scares people.  I've seen people terrified of me, and they are acting as though I might kill them.  Perhaps I can kill them.  It's like I can grow horns.  This is not funny business, this is a fight or flight situation.  My mind can't tell the difference between normal and scared as hell.  Indeed the fight or flight should scare people especially the fight part.

Don't think I'm talking about a little thing here.  Yes, it is scary, and real people can't interpret it.  It has taken me out too many times in life.  I can't ever hold down a job.  I scare people.  This works so quick, even before I'm aware of it.  It's trying to keep me safe.  I am a normal person having a normal reaction to trauma.

But, I am not crazy.  I'm a normal person reacting to trauma.  Yes, the trauma can just be perceived at this point in my life, but my mind can't tell the difference.  My mind is just telling my body to act right now, it has no time to fool around, my own death could be around the corner.

Was mother a killer and a part of me knew this?  Maybe so.  Truth was, my mind wasn't going to take the time to try to figure it out, just assume that she was, it is safer.  She seemed like more of an emotional abuser with the tendency to ridicule.  I was raised to believe I counted for nothing, only she mattered. There were subtle threats to my safety if I didn't give her the supply she wanted.  She kept me babied only to mistreat me.  I was a captive source of supply that way.

Out in the world, it doesn't take long for the predators to find me.  I've seen once where someone would be treating me normally, then some behaviour from me doesn't escape their notice, they are then abusing me as usual.  Are these the predators?  Perhaps.  They act like predators, but it seems to me they can't help it, they see an opportunity to abuse and go right for it. Otherwise, they just go on with life.  I've seen this too many times to not take notice.  I think they might be more borderline, between MN or N.  It is a spectrum, and I think I've met them all.  My point is there are many and they range at different levels.  It is a spectrum.  My mind and body has made an adaption to this before I knew what it was.

I don't really blame anyone but mother. Not even my ex-husbands, not anymore.  I've learned too much.   Afterall, if a gorilla attacked me in the streets, I would hope that I would have the good sense to get the heck out of his way.  Not make him my buddy and love him and cuddle with him, just because he wanted me to.  I would have the choice to get away.  I don't blame the gorilla, he is only doing what a gorilla does.

But being trained from childhood to love the gorilla.  That he alone is in charge of me.  He says he loves me and I must believe it above all else.  I ignore my own judgements here but I somehow seem to know the truth(the natural hardwiring).  I trust the gorilla to always be good to me.  Even seeing when he isn't, it doesn't matter, that is my judgement and my judgement doesn't matter.  I've lost my choice.

The gorilla is not always good to me, but I trust him anyway, seeing as he is the only one here that counts.  But I must still somehow feel that I want to get away.  It is the hardwiring, my ancestors were trying to protect me and something inside me is just too strong and tries to destroy what mother was doing(training me to love the gorilla).    My mind chooses hypervigilance in this case.  It is automatic.  So its like this flipping back in forth in my mind that happens quickly.  My ancestors hardwiring was not going to allow me to be destroyed by the gorilla.  But love the gorilla.  How can the mind cope with that?

Even now, when I'm not being abused by anyone, it is just my perceived abuse.  Anything that just sounds like it could be an accusation sets it off.  I've gotten some feedback from people at times.  "It looks like you are hyperventilating, you can't breathe,"  I don't remember that part.  My voice sounds like it is all over the place, I speak nonsense, I don't make any sense.

These are real reactions my body is trying to tell me to get away.  But at those times, especially when I'm on a job or something, I must focus.  That's what makes it sound bad.  I'm trying to do 2 things at once.  Trying to get away and trying to stay and focus, all the while keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any danger.  It is hardwiring versus brainwashing.  This is the part of hypervigilance that is visible and it looks like crazy.  I hope this makes sense.

Isn't it an awesome diagnosis I just made?  Psychologists couldn't figure this one out for me, I had to do this myself with the help of other ACON's.  I am beyond sure this is what has been happening to me.

I became needy.  I started looking for acceptance wherever I would go.  (Oh, if I can get the gorilla to love me, then I'll be ok).  I became invulnerable.  You can hurt me but I will not cry, I must save your feelings.  I didn't understand what a predator was anymore.  It is easier for me to see what is manufactured in my brainwashed state. This is excellent knowledge.  So then I stayed with the abusers.  I could never tell.  I believe mother was a murderer, and she desperately tried to get me killed in life, but first she was going to enjoy the slow torture.

The strange part was I would avoid social gatherings.  This would be too hard in my hypervigilant state.  So I would avoid people in fear of getting hurt, but I hugged an abuser?

I remember those times mother was coming to see me at my apartment.  I had a job, a good life, my very own savings account.  I made good money.  I was dating.  Mother's boyfriend had left her.  I hadn't really seen her in 20 years.  For a short while mother was good.  We would go shopping, do things.  Things started to change.  Mother would call me around 4 times a day to hear how I was doing.  This was excellent.  Not only would she seem like a caring mom, she would get steady updates on my life.  She was looking for bad things to make insidious comments about.  Yes, the apartment wasn't well managed, the carpeting was coming undone.  Work kept me busy, and that she turned around to mean that I wasn't happy.  "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm fine."

"No nothings fine, what's wrong with you?  Did your apartment managers do anything to replace the carpets yet?"

"No, they aren't going to.  I'm not worried.  I really don't care, I might just buy a condo or something."  I mean I really didn't care.

One day I had a wonderful time at work.  When mother called that same evening, I shared it, "Your hiding something, what went wrong?" etc etc etc.  Was there something wrong?  No there wasn't this was a game called gaslighting.

But she sounded caring.  I don't call my own children 4 times a day.  I don't care too.  We each have our own lives and any contact we have will be not to discuss bad things, not all the time.  They are free to tell me bad stuff, and I hate to hear it.  In fact I can't stand it, I would rather see them happy.

Mother would want to hear the bad stuff, and go on how she was all caring, and I believed her.  She loved me more that I loved my children.  Another thing was taking place though.  Wretched me started to feel it necessary to go to mom with all my bad stuff.  I felt compelled to.  Even though she would spread it around to other people how horrible and wretched I was, I would still be giving her more ammunition against me.  I was brainwashed all over again.  My daughter who was living with me at the time, went to go live with her dad, and he was no good.  I did nothing to stop it.  My life was spiraling out of control.  I was on anxiety drugs and depression drugs.  I don't know how I lost my job.  But my work required keeping my head on straight.

When I met my new man, I spent more time at his place, an hour out of town.  Then I just kind of stayed there.  There were calls from mother all the time.  Then my sister would call me, she had to bring mother to the doctor and had no transportation.  My fella offered to take her, but I would stay out here until it was time to go.  Mother demanded I go back to my apartment, until she felt she was ready to go.

One day mother came over here to spend the night.  The next day, on the way to the doctor's back into town, the brake lines broke on the car.  I was still on the backroads, it's a good thing.  I got us over to the side, and I realized I would have to wait for someone to come.  Mother started screaming at me.  I was shaking, this was a horrible experience.  She got out of the car and started walking out into bear country (Don't worry the bears are fine now).  From the car I sat and watched her go.  She went quite far, then turned around and came back to the car.  I asked her why she left.  She said, "That is what your supposed to do.  Don't be stupid and just sit in the car."

lol, I knew it wouldn't be long till my fella was on his way home from the hardware store in town, that's why I was waiting.  He arrived shortly after and took us back here.  She stood in the kitchen, and told me right off.  Right in front of him.  I barely knew him, and he already heard screaming phone calls and me running out her to escape my family.  She said I should have had extra brake lines in the trunk of the car to change when necessary.  :/  I don't know how to change brake lines.  Well, I was told I must learn.

Mother and I took the truck to take her to the doctor's.  We were still early, but mother liked to sit for hours at doctor's appointments, she didn't like to be late.  She screamed at me for only being a half hour early to her appointment.  Called me stupid in front of everyone at the clinic.  Oh yeah, and here's a good one.  She told me that my fella told her, off to the side, that I should have been carrying extra brake lines and I should have known how to change them, and that I was an idiot.  I found out later that was a lie.

This is what MN's want, they want to see you so vulnerable to them.  That's just so evil.  A normal person would not want to stomp on or hurt a defenseless puppy.  But they would and they do do it. That way they don't have to work so hard to get the supply they need.  They can't go to normal people to get supply, ok they might, but it is through the defenseless they want the easy supply.  There is nothing wrong with vulnerability, it would have made you a good team player in a tribal society because no one would be clueless about you.  You could be trusted.  MN's would have been rooted out I swear.  If you went around mistreating and abusing the others they would throw you away. Team work was what was needed to spear the woolly mammoth.  And, how do I find out if these berries are poisonous?  That vulnerable woman over there, she will not lie to you.

When I talk about vulnerability, I am talking about the real and authentic self, not stupid.  Stupid is inauthentic.  Stupid is a mask, we wear it so no one will deal with us, it is much safer that way. Keeps people away.  Sometimes I choose to be stupid, it does have a value at times.

When I was growing up, I saw mother get angry at times, and the few times she did hit, she went overboard.  One time my brother had to intervene.  And still the blame was on me.  This was Joan's fault she said, I pushed her too far. I pushed her too far?  What did she mean?  That I alone was responsible?  Take the responsibility and cover up any vulnerability I would have about it.  In other words, don't cry.  You deserve it.

I was trained to accept and love abuse.  Love abuse?  Well, not really just what you are told to do. You do what you are told.  Now, in my relationship, I need it to grow.  I always have start off my conversations with him by saying, "I'm not blaming you.....".  Sounds corny and cheesy after awhile but that is just the way it is.  Blaming someone is so easy, its almost just plain natural.  But it is needy.  I need significance and I'll take it out of your hide and your emotions till I get it.  This is the truth.  Needing acceptance means I'll not tell the truth because some of the truth ain't pretty, so I'll flower it up, put a big bow on it, just so I get accepted.  And I get so scared that you will abandon me over it.  All needy, needy, needy.  Fear of abandonment is a natural thing.  The way to get through it is to tell him that I'm afraid of being abandoned, that simple.  He doesn't mind that, but what he does mind is feeling blamed or having to cater to a lack of distrust on my part.  Of course now all this requires absolute high value vulnerability.  That true authentic self is priceless.  Where the heck is he going to find that?  Not many places nowadays.

WHAT ELSE ABOUT HYPERVIGILANCE?

Somehow my brain got the idea that I could die.  I've learned to calm my nerves, but I don't think that they will never be calm.  I still don't like to be around people much.  I find it hard.  A few social things I am now used to is ok.  I was working on a post about social skills.  This is getting better.  The pain we all suffer from narcissistic parents.  Will someone hurt me?

I had to post this today because it feels like I'm crazy.  I wanted to give myself the peace of mind this is actually completely normal.  It is.  There are ways to balance the feelings, that is by learning new skills.  I don't have hypervigilance as much as I did in the past, as my life is very serene now, but I have a lifetime of experience with it.  I know now when its regular reaction to a traumatic event or that versus brainwashing.  I hope I'm making some sense here today.

Hypervigilance is being on the aware of what could go wrong.  And of course, as ACON's, if something can go wrong it will.  I react to things, even though I have to stay and focus, that is what's looks like crazy.  And normal people don't want to be around a crazy person, I mean who can trust a crazy person?

I would like to explore a little of hypervigilance from my own perspective.  I don't really want to go into someone else's work here, or any research.  I feel like I've learned this from life skills.  I've figured out a lot while I've had this blog.  I've come to terms with myself.  I realized I'm not crazy.  I have no illness.  I'm a normal person who has been traumatized and my built in hardwiring from my ancestors came in to try to fix it and that is it.

But how does one cope living with trauma?  The reality is too much to bear in one blog posting.  I feel it is and has been my mission since I started this blog.  To find the answers for living with trauma.  How to stop getting into abusive relationships was one of my favorite posts.  And I gotta tell you it was one of the easiest things for me to write, it fit me so well.

I just like looking for answers.  In the past I always embarked on knocking down doors of mental health clinics, seeking help.  I even worked in one for awhile, giving a group session on PTSD, can you believe that?  I did that just from some knowledge I had.  It was not my trade.  I was skilled in the knowledge of something logically, but I had no clue about it.  That's why I'm worried most therapists are doing the same thing.

I don't remember much of it.  I was able to help people because I had this ability to, that was all.  I wasn't that keen on it.  I much preferred mathematics, to social work.  But one day I needed a job and that job needed me and there I was.  I did a wonderful job.  But the boss was MN and the rest is history.

I think that once you have been traumatized you will be hypervigilante for life, but I might change that opinion later.  For now, it does seem plausible that the mind will always feel unsafe and needs safety and protection. You can't "unsee" something.  You can't undo an act.  This is not anxiety, as popular as that term has become.  I'm not chemically imbalanced.  The programming is set to feel fearful.  But perfect love casts out fear.  That is true.  I am not committing a sin or an immoral act here.  I'm not choosing this.  I have what has become tolerant to abuse from others, and this is how my mind and body reacts. It says, no way. My body is trained to protect itself, by using my brain to perceive things and the least little bit will do this.

Lets take out the anxiety, lets take out the depression, lets take out all that stuff that makes it a mental illness, it is not.  I'm not ill.  I'm trained for battle.

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