A Scapegoat in Training?

Yesterday, my oldest daughter Jessie was babysitting a 4 year old girl.  We were sitting at the table and the little girl came over to me and my youngest daughter Maggie, and told us to hide when her mommy came back.  I asked her why?  She said her mommy would throw us out.

I said, "Oh, I'm allowed to visit here, and your mommy won't mind."

With her eyes wide open, she said, "No, please hide, I don't want you to get into trouble."

At that point Jessie took her back to the livingroom, to so some crafts.  I asked Jessie what she was talking about, and Jessie just said that the child loved to make up stories.  The little girl came back into the kitchen and said it would be best for me to hide, and Jessie laughed, and I'm ashamed to say so did I.

Now when I look back on it, this little girl was afraid for me and Maggie and seriously wanted us to leave.  I told her that Jessie was my daughter and I can visit her anytime, and her mommy won't say anything.  I could tell right away the child was smart and sweet, and charming.  Have you ever seen that in a child before?  I'm sure I could hold a very serious discussion with this child and she would understand everything, and could even teach me a few things.

Her mother arrived.  She did not throw us out.  I'll call her Janet.  Well Janet was loud and demanding type woman, probably in her late twenties.  She talked about her whole life and how everyone had wronged her, and she was this great and wonderful person.  I didn't get the feeling that she was a victim, and she seemed to connect to Maggie in a way that even Maggie was uncomfortable with.

Maggie, my youngest, was diagnosed with narcissism, some time ago.  But Maggie is twenty with a newborn son, and really, to tell the truth, I hold her at a high standard.  I raised my children in church and I believe God will not leave them, for my sake.

So anyway, Maggie has been having trouble with the father of her baby, she shares custody with. She doesn't want to share custody.  She wants the baby all to herself and her new man.  She wants the bio dad gone.  That isn't going to happen, and I explained all this to her, and told her sometimes we don't like certain things, and they will happen, and we must accept them.

Well, Janet was trying to tell her how to lie to the courts.  Maggie looked over at me and winced. She knows this could cause serious consequences with the courts, and she knows how I feel about it.  As long as that father is involved in the baby's life, it is a good thing.  That baby is surrounded by lots of people who love him, including her new man.

That conversation went away, and after Janet left, I looked over at Jessie.  She said, "Yeah, I know what you're going to say, and believe me I'm no target."

We didn't talk about it anymore.  But I kept thinking of that little girl.  Her eyes were so wide and serious, and she was so worried about us, she had to tell us.  She wasn't lying, she would have had to see her mother get like that, and told us the truth, and what we could have been in for.

It Was Supposed to Kill Me

I found this over at http://luckyottershaven.com/2015/02/20/i-cant-be-broken/  I love this picture and saying so much I am posting it here.

I know it seems so simplistic but I am preparing myself for a deathbed scene with mother.  I said I would never go, but I think I am changing my mind.  I want the validation and the screaming that might come from her, when the truth comes out.  I know I might get kicked out of the hospital or something, but it really doesn't matter.

And no, mother is not dying yet, but it will come someday.

So yeah, this little clip might seem simplistic, but I've been having these dreams lately.  Mother really wasn't real.  Just a figment of my imagination.  So were my childhood "good" memories.  They really didn't happen.  It was my imagination at work to protect myself.  My pony I had while growing up had a lame leg, it was permanently crippled and it was given to me by father.  I rode it, and it felt cruel, but I had no choice, I had to show that I appreciated it.  My brother had a normal pony, that was healthy and spirited.

Nowadays, when someone gives me something I don't like I tell them.  If I don't like someone's behaviour towards me, I can choose to leave and/or tell them.

When I was in grade 5, I figured out a difficult math calculation, that the rest of the class couldn't and I was hushed by the teacher.  I liked painted nails, and mother hated it, and called me a whore for it. And totally harassed me for it.  After father left, mother was surrounded by men.  Well, not really.  She would get drunk, drool would come out of the side of her mouth and some guy's privy parts were attached to her.

I think I could have been athletic or a genius, but any challenge I would cower.  I don't know what I would have become.

So I clipped this photo.  Walked away like a boss?  Well, I'll wait till after I visit mother on her deathbed.

Personal Growth

I made this, it is my first quilting block

I knew hubby's buddy from the woods out here was MN almost right from the get go.   You can read about it in this article I wrote a few months ago An Evil Narcissist.  He very recently got me going about something.  It's about my quilting.  I'm taking a class.  Well, buddy said that this lady down the road does quilts, that she has never taken a class, she is very good at it.  I said to him, "Nobody pulls this out of their ass, its not just sewing up two pieces of fabric together and calling it a quilt."

He said, "Oh I don't know how she does it she is very good."

I was getting all huffy and feeling badly about myself when suddenly I realized he was at it again. Then I said, "You are such a nice guy, I have the most wonderful conversations with you".  He was happy about that and I went on and on then when we were alone in the room, "Your evil, aren't you? Why not be honest about it."  lol, I didn't want to say that, I wanted to growl at him when we were alone, but oh well.

He got up looked outside the window then left.  This all went over hubby's head.  So I don't know what started him to not want to do the roads anymore.

Well hubby emailed that guy and told him this is costing too much and he won't be doing it anymore. That guy emailed back with the most invalidating response ever.  He said that it wasn't costing, he was making money, called him a liar basically, told him he is still OBLIGATED to finish off the winter.  Then ended the conversation with "I'm still your buddy".  Never mind the email was a mile long, in English and English is not hubby's first language, and this guy knows that.  Weeeelllll.  My hubby ain't too sweet on that guy anymore. He called him a freeloader, called everyone out here a freeloader and that was that.  You remember that account of an Evil Narcissist?  I was really struggling with this before.

They don't have any other way to get their roads done, they will have to figure it out or learn to drive a tank on these rustic roads to clean it, or move out and sell their property.  But its done.

I know everyone is going to blame me for this.  That evil narcissist has been out for me since day 1, and I won.  You hear that?  I won.  I am gloating, I am excited, I feel as though a glorious event just happened.  and I never went to war about this.  I just practiced my relationship stuff, that was it.

I've been reluctant to talk about this online, but also my hubby has quit drinking.  Case of beer on each day off, and its done.  I don't like to say it because, well, I don't want to give women here false hope that my relationship advice did this.  I think it did, but of course, with everything there are no guarantees.  There are no guarantees, and if you practice these things, you will have to grow yourself first.  This was a marriage of convenience, and he told me straight off, "I like my beer, get used to it." Hmmm.  Ok, but I was not really caring about that at the time.  I was trying to escape mother.

Ok, all I did was just give him, "Passionate, constant, feedback."  I know that doesn't make any sense. It's a place you go to in your mind, to draw your actual feelings out.  Emotional resources.  No
bullshit.  No nonsense.  But this is a personal blog, I'll tell you.  Well, there was this time I did call him a drunk.  He asked, "You're calling me a drunk?"

As authentically as I could with this bubbling fear, I said, "Yes, what's wrong with that?  My father was a drunk, what have you got against drunks?"

I tell you nothing more was said.  There were a few other things, but I always used my relationship skills.  Then he stopped drinking.

But I don't want to give anyone any false advice, there are no guarantees.  You can't go into anything with expectations, just do it.  There might be some that are offended by this, and his ex left him over his drinking.  But I saw a wonderful and dedicated guy, so I decided to get my head out of my own butt.

If you think that there is some things you have just have to accept out of life, then your only intention is maintaining the status quo.  You are not willing to do anything, you are only worried about the status quo.  And as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow there will be something that will sabotage you, you are done already.  I have come from a lifetime of counselling and abuse.  I am well qualified to say this.

There is a part two to this.  Well, we have been really communicating.  I mean really communicating. I told you before this was a marriage of convenience and no passion.  That was before.  Now we communicate.  This time he told me a little too much.

I asked him, "I'm just curious how you got to doing the roads."

He said, "My ex blabbed to everyone here that I would do the roads for them, and one day I found myself trapped in it."



Yuck, you ask for openness, you never know what you'll get.

This is a problem.  I kept to myself for a bit.  I didn't know what to say.  It hit me like a load of bricks. I knew what was going on. He has been doing these roads for 4 years, on the word of his ex. I'll keep it simple for you. There is such a thing as emotional commitment that men have for women. That they get locked in and its hard for them to escape.  Even if they want to.  It's really hard. A man can only have Emotional commitment for only one woman.  Do not forget that.  It is something to watch out for when beginning a relationship.

But the real part of me is screaming out, "It doesn't matter anymore, he is over it, it is done, and it's a good thing you didn't know."  Hmmm, trapped into something like that?  He never wanted to do it?

But he hasn't been doing anything to take care of her.  I know the opportunity existed, to help her out with this and that, as he showed me the emails she sent him.  He didn't go over, or even responded to the emails.  I know I've seen some sad stories of some women in love with men and that the men go and help the ex-wife out every chance he gets.  It's so sad.  There is a key to unlock him, however, that requires an intense love and understanding, and steps that must be taken.  I didn't read that much about it.  I hated that part.

He wasn't taking care of his ex at all, but he was compelled to do the roads, for 4 years, because she started it.  He tried to get out of it once but his "buddy" talked him into it again.  He's been trying to get out of it, and for the first time he was telling me this.

In the beginning I knew he was being pimped out to her family and friends because he has mechanical and building skills.  All that stopped immediately, and then he got a few rude emails, trying to make him feel obligated, which he just ignored.

Some things are really hard.  A few days later, I asked him, "I'm not blaming you for anything, but I'm curious how you got yourself so whipped.  That is not who you are."

Silence.  Its funny how this sounded mean of me, but it was truly authentic.  And it's not about being nice.  Nice is being needy.  Nice puts you in line for abuse, at least it used to for me.  In my past I would do anything to be nice, but it was only because I wanted approval.  No human being should take that from another.  Authenticity hardly ever requires being nice, and I find that part easy.  It might be a side effect of being a hollowed out husk, but wouldn't that actually make it scary?  I don't know why I find that part easy.

He is not that weak.  He calls people on their bullshit.  He's strong, he even calls me on my bullshit. He is hardly ever afraid.  I rely on his strength.  I'm scared to explore this, my God what has happened?  Who is this?

It doesn't matter anymore.  Oh, yes it does matter.  If he is this easily influenced or controlled, that is something bad.  This forms a habit, and he still has that habit.  I first felt so angry.  So I felt that anger. There was a certain loss of significance for me how he would acknowledge her and still be controlled by her.  Do I care to explore this?  Do I care enough to even want to try to help him with this?  Does it matter to me that he has a problem, he can't help himself with? Do I want to use compassion and understanding to help him?  This is a road to take, do I want to take it?  Or do I want to bitch with jealousy for his ex controlling him for the last 4 years?  Choices.  Who would have thunk it?  This would require some serious climbing out of my butt ie dealing with my feelings about it and helping him.  Yep, hard work.

So yeah, his buddy has targeted me, and now has to figure out a way to do his own roads and I'm gloating.  For narc supply feed he might have to sell and get out.  I didn't intentionally cause this. This was done by the man's own hands.  My true intention is never to harm.

When I learned about relationships, it became very apparent to be as vulnerable as possible.  There is not a thing wrong with vulnerability.  But it is not just vulnerability, it is called high value vulnerability.  This brings in the most adoring and loving men into our lives.  So vulnerability is not a bad thing then.  Good people want it, MN's want it too.  How do I define the difference?  How?  One loves and cherishes it, one stomps on it.

Well, for one thing, it is easy to see when someone is vulnerable, truth be told, it gives a man something he's been craving, which is honesty.  He can't function trying to figure you out.  This is hard for them.  I have done it.  I have resorted at times to play games to try to win his affection, to try to get him to understand me.  But all he can see is that I'm playing a game, and being a normal guy he will walk away, it won't feel natural for him.  Now the MN guy will love to see the game I'm playing and assume that I won't do anything to get my needs met and he doesn't mind that.  He'll enjoy me suffering in this state, he is not interested in a partner.  He is looking for food for life.  Narcissistic supply for life.  He will be drooling for it.  This is what I'm used to and this is why I tried to hide vulnerability.  Hiding vulnerability brings the douchebags that only want sex for one night. Or abusive relationships.

This requires of me absolute loss of significance, of going through fear, the risk of not being accepted.  Low and behold these are big things.  I have been trained by a malignant narcissist bitch of a mom that I am to hold on to those things or die.  She taught me that all significance is important, that it bestows on me the reason she allowed me to live.  I've spoken of significance before.  It is a powerful human core value.  It was my significance that kept me alive.  Going through fear?  That one is just great, she taught me that fear is to be avoided at all costs, stay in the house in your pajamas if you have to, just avoid fear.  Acceptance?  Well, this was demanded out of me, as you can see, well, scapegoats were never accepted, and it is a wonder how any of us ever survived. Regardless, we hate not being accepted.

Ok, I just told him that I don't blame him but there is something I want to talk about.  His face went stiff, and he said no.  Did I do something wrong here?  No.  Should I express myself now?  No.  I have to wait it out and respect his boundaries and trust him.  And pray.  If I had a good mommy should would tell me, "Oh my, sometimes its a process, that pain can be a process, but we must first enter that process and be willing".  To feel scared and pain?  Yes.  But I just want to tear into him and let him have it.  Well, that is making a decision from fear.  Feel fear and pain, don't avoid it.  But my hardwiring is telling me that I will die at this point.  Must do something.  No.

This is such an excellent exercise in personal growth.  I wish I would have stumbled on it decades ago.

Brave

Ok, so, I don't really like the word brave.  It is like courage I suppose.  Everyone on the planet is supposed to know what it means.  I have never heard of anything specific about it.  What I mean is how does one be brave step by step, nice and easy?

But I do like this song.  There are some places in the lyrics where the meaning is clear.  "Just let it all fall out".  I like that, because I can do that, not easy, but it does make sense.  Here are the lyrics:

You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you.

Hypervigilance

After writing this I'm afraid this won't make any sense.   All my life, I had no way of explaining what was wrong with me, therapists couldn't help me.  There were no answers.  Therapists told me I had PTSD, so bad that it was like I was on a grenade and the thing went off and I lived through it.  I've never been in that situation, so my symptoms continued.  I've been trying to dumb things down here in the blog, for I feel that is what I would have wanted to find if I found this blog years ago.

It deals with emotions and the history of my life and how fear has made a home in me.  We dare to feel?  Yes, we must.  We must stay alive and go on, dealing with those very things that would have had us killed while we were growing up. but now it will destroy us if we don't experience them.

Figure out ways to make yourself cry again.  Watch sad movies, sad songs.  A song I posted recently always makes me cry.  Feel again.  If its hard to do in front of people just do it alone for the time being.  It is not that we are manipulating our emotions by making ourselves cry.  We have been trained not to cry, so cry.

I feel it is very important to feel all your emotions.  Feel them down deeply.  I'll admit, I've been lazy at this at times, because it is much easier to maintain the status quo of my life.  I'll stay in abusive situations because that is what I've been trained to do, it was easier.  So this is hard work.  I don't mean to say lazy as a MN calls a person lazy, just to make you feel bad.  Lazy might just mean there is something else going on entirely, so we sit around and hope for things to just change, because we don't know what else to do.  So the entire job is about feeling no matter what.

In an hour I have to go fill the woodstove.  This involves going outside and into the dark.  It's a bit of a walk to go out to the garage, that is where the woodstove is.  Not much, but a little, just enough for some trepidation.  I am alone tonight, and although I love the peaceful surroundings out in the bush, I have a tendency to be really afraid when I'm here alone at night.

I wish we would get a big dog.  I'm not fond of dogs, so I can't just have one around just for that reason.  But I dream of a dog that is German Shepherd, one that is regal.  One that doesn't mind holding his own and not demand attention.  He would have the freedom to roam around here, it would be perfect for him, but I am not a dog lover, but I think I would love a regal German Shepherd. But, with my luck I would have a big needy dog that is afraid of its shadow, just like me.

It might be possible for me to post tonight about hypervigilance.  Times like this I swear I could run a hundred mile dash in five minutes.  But here's what I do.  I go out the door with the flashlight, I look around with the flashlight to make sure there are no predatory wildlife in the yard.  I look down to see if there are prints in the snow.  If that is ok, I walk with my ears and eyes peeled as quickly to the garage as I can.

I'm the one who usually keeps the fire.  Even at night.  But when I'm alone like now it creeps me out worse.  Tonight I keep hearing things outside, or am I?  I'm very hypervigilante, even locking the door at night because I heard Bigfoot can open doors.  The wind is howling tonight.  I am alone till the morning.  My husband is at work until morning.

I can't ever hear wolves out here.  I know that wolves are noisy, so I'm sure there are none here. There are coyotes though, I've seen one run across the road once while driving.  We have bears, but they are hibernating.  So I think its just the coyotes and wolverines perhaps.  I don't know what other predatory wildlife, and that they will hurt me, are out here.  Not just predators, but what if I walk outside and find a big moose in front of the garage?

Ok, enough of that.  Just wanted to show you how hypervigilance works.  In my opinion, it is a gift. It keeps us alive right?  Safe?  I'm not sure if I'm even using the right terminology here.  I think hypervigilance means its above the normal, but how normal do you have to be to not be extremely hypervigilant about wildlife with big teeth?  I think it does compare, you can correct me if I'm wrong. But for now I'm going to write what's best for me.  And this feels right.

As an ACON I grew up in a hypervigilante state.  Remember now this is a gift.  We are alive because of it.  Celebrate you have that hardwiring, it has kept our ancestors safe.  It was designed over centuries of battles, wartimes, plague, starvation you name it.  And you have it, you own it.  It is beautiful.

THE PROBLEM

I spent so much time in counselling.  Hypervigilance has destroyed my life, I couldn't work, sleep, eat or feel.  Everything goes to hypervigilance and knowing what was the right thing to do or not.  We never knew did we?  We always got into trouble regardless when we were growing up.  We would get better with hypervigilance, only to get slammed down again.  Hypervigilance increases.  Mother found more ways to unsettle me, this was exciting for her, she got supply.  Now I know that no matter how hypervigilante I would get, I would slammed down.  It was a need for narcissistic supply.

Our nervous systems were on overload, we got better at it, but we could never really protect ourselves, so the hypervigilance went on higher and higher till it reached its peak.  But what was the peak?  The peak is fight or flight, or better known as PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I have mountains of counselling materials, books I picked up, little sayings I've saved.  All my life. Even though I had trouble holding on to some things, these things never left me.  I would have given anything to have my blog to read right now.  A time machine into the future just to retrieve one thing, my blog.

I spent my life as a mental health patient.  I'll say it again, I spent my life as a mental health patient. But I never was.  I was a normal person reacting to trauma.  And this is how my mind and body reacts to trauma, and this is very normal.  We want to respond to trauma, hypervigilance is a gift. I have to wonder how many people died in the face of battle because they lacked the ability to go into a super hypervigilant state.

But I can't seem to cope past it now.  It locks me down and holds me there till I can breathe normally again.  Its actually trying to help me cope, its keeping me alive, this is a gift.  But it no longer feels like a gift.  It feels like hell.  It feels horrible when you get invited to a party, or to some other social event. Its this feeling of panic that wells up, that scares people.

Woo boy, I can tell you it scares people.  I've seen people terrified of me, and they are acting as though I might kill them.  Perhaps I can kill them.  It's like I can grow horns.  This is not funny business, this is a fight or flight situation.  My mind can't tell the difference between normal and scared as hell.  Indeed the fight or flight should scare people especially the fight part.

Don't think I'm talking about a little thing here.  Yes, it is scary, and real people can't interpret it.  It has taken me out too many times in life.  I can't ever hold down a job.  I scare people.  This works so quick, even before I'm aware of it.  It's trying to keep me safe.  I am a normal person having a normal reaction to trauma.

But, I am not crazy.  I'm a normal person reacting to trauma.  Yes, the trauma can just be perceived at this point in my life, but my mind can't tell the difference.  My mind is just telling my body to act right now, it has no time to fool around, my own death could be around the corner.

Was mother a killer and a part of me knew this?  Maybe so.  Truth was, my mind wasn't going to take the time to try to figure it out, just assume that she was, it is safer.  She seemed like more of an emotional abuser with the tendency to ridicule.  I was raised to believe I counted for nothing, only she mattered. There were subtle threats to my safety if I didn't give her the supply she wanted.  She kept me babied only to mistreat me.  I was a captive source of supply that way.

Out in the world, it doesn't take long for the predators to find me.  I've seen once where someone would be treating me normally, then some behaviour from me doesn't escape their notice, they are then abusing me as usual.  Are these the predators?  Perhaps.  They act like predators, but it seems to me they can't help it, they see an opportunity to abuse and go right for it. Otherwise, they just go on with life.  I've seen this too many times to not take notice.  I think they might be more borderline, between MN or N.  It is a spectrum, and I think I've met them all.  My point is there are many and they range at different levels.  It is a spectrum.  My mind and body has made an adaption to this before I knew what it was.

I don't really blame anyone but mother. Not even my ex-husbands, not anymore.  I've learned too much.   Afterall, if a gorilla attacked me in the streets, I would hope that I would have the good sense to get the heck out of his way.  Not make him my buddy and love him and cuddle with him, just because he wanted me to.  I would have the choice to get away.  I don't blame the gorilla, he is only doing what a gorilla does.

But being trained from childhood to love the gorilla.  That he alone is in charge of me.  He says he loves me and I must believe it above all else.  I ignore my own judgements here but I somehow seem to know the truth(the natural hardwiring).  I trust the gorilla to always be good to me.  Even seeing when he isn't, it doesn't matter, that is my judgement and my judgement doesn't matter.  I've lost my choice.

The gorilla is not always good to me, but I trust him anyway, seeing as he is the only one here that counts.  But I must still somehow feel that I want to get away.  It is the hardwiring, my ancestors were trying to protect me and something inside me is just too strong and tries to destroy what mother was doing(training me to love the gorilla).    My mind chooses hypervigilance in this case.  It is automatic.  So its like this flipping back in forth in my mind that happens quickly.  My ancestors hardwiring was not going to allow me to be destroyed by the gorilla.  But love the gorilla.  How can the mind cope with that?

Even now, when I'm not being abused by anyone, it is just my perceived abuse.  Anything that just sounds like it could be an accusation sets it off.  I've gotten some feedback from people at times.  "It looks like you are hyperventilating, you can't breathe,"  I don't remember that part.  My voice sounds like it is all over the place, I speak nonsense, I don't make any sense.

These are real reactions my body is trying to tell me to get away.  But at those times, especially when I'm on a job or something, I must focus.  That's what makes it sound bad.  I'm trying to do 2 things at once.  Trying to get away and trying to stay and focus, all the while keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any danger.  It is hardwiring versus brainwashing.  This is the part of hypervigilance that is visible and it looks like crazy.  I hope this makes sense.

Isn't it an awesome diagnosis I just made?  Psychologists couldn't figure this one out for me, I had to do this myself with the help of other ACON's.  I am beyond sure this is what has been happening to me.

I became needy.  I started looking for acceptance wherever I would go.  (Oh, if I can get the gorilla to love me, then I'll be ok).  I became invulnerable.  You can hurt me but I will not cry, I must save your feelings.  I didn't understand what a predator was anymore.  It is easier for me to see what is manufactured in my brainwashed state. This is excellent knowledge.  So then I stayed with the abusers.  I could never tell.  I believe mother was a murderer, and she desperately tried to get me killed in life, but first she was going to enjoy the slow torture.

The strange part was I would avoid social gatherings.  This would be too hard in my hypervigilant state.  So I would avoid people in fear of getting hurt, but I hugged an abuser?

I remember those times mother was coming to see me at my apartment.  I had a job, a good life, my very own savings account.  I made good money.  I was dating.  Mother's boyfriend had left her.  I hadn't really seen her in 20 years.  For a short while mother was good.  We would go shopping, do things.  Things started to change.  Mother would call me around 4 times a day to hear how I was doing.  This was excellent.  Not only would she seem like a caring mom, she would get steady updates on my life.  She was looking for bad things to make insidious comments about.  Yes, the apartment wasn't well managed, the carpeting was coming undone.  Work kept me busy, and that she turned around to mean that I wasn't happy.  "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm fine."

"No nothings fine, what's wrong with you?  Did your apartment managers do anything to replace the carpets yet?"

"No, they aren't going to.  I'm not worried.  I really don't care, I might just buy a condo or something."  I mean I really didn't care.

One day I had a wonderful time at work.  When mother called that same evening, I shared it, "Your hiding something, what went wrong?" etc etc etc.  Was there something wrong?  No there wasn't this was a game called gaslighting.

But she sounded caring.  I don't call my own children 4 times a day.  I don't care too.  We each have our own lives and any contact we have will be not to discuss bad things, not all the time.  They are free to tell me bad stuff, and I hate to hear it.  In fact I can't stand it, I would rather see them happy.

Mother would want to hear the bad stuff, and go on how she was all caring, and I believed her.  She loved me more that I loved my children.  Another thing was taking place though.  Wretched me started to feel it necessary to go to mom with all my bad stuff.  I felt compelled to.  Even though she would spread it around to other people how horrible and wretched I was, I would still be giving her more ammunition against me.  I was brainwashed all over again.  My daughter who was living with me at the time, went to go live with her dad, and he was no good.  I did nothing to stop it.  My life was spiraling out of control.  I was on anxiety drugs and depression drugs.  I don't know how I lost my job.  But my work required keeping my head on straight.

When I met my new man, I spent more time at his place, an hour out of town.  Then I just kind of stayed there.  There were calls from mother all the time.  Then my sister would call me, she had to bring mother to the doctor and had no transportation.  My fella offered to take her, but I would stay out here until it was time to go.  Mother demanded I go back to my apartment, until she felt she was ready to go.

One day mother came over here to spend the night.  The next day, on the way to the doctor's back into town, the brake lines broke on the car.  I was still on the backroads, it's a good thing.  I got us over to the side, and I realized I would have to wait for someone to come.  Mother started screaming at me.  I was shaking, this was a horrible experience.  She got out of the car and started walking out into bear country (Don't worry the bears are fine now).  From the car I sat and watched her go.  She went quite far, then turned around and came back to the car.  I asked her why she left.  She said, "That is what your supposed to do.  Don't be stupid and just sit in the car."

lol, I knew it wouldn't be long till my fella was on his way home from the hardware store in town, that's why I was waiting.  He arrived shortly after and took us back here.  She stood in the kitchen, and told me right off.  Right in front of him.  I barely knew him, and he already heard screaming phone calls and me running out her to escape my family.  She said I should have had extra brake lines in the trunk of the car to change when necessary.  :/  I don't know how to change brake lines.  Well, I was told I must learn.

Mother and I took the truck to take her to the doctor's.  We were still early, but mother liked to sit for hours at doctor's appointments, she didn't like to be late.  She screamed at me for only being a half hour early to her appointment.  Called me stupid in front of everyone at the clinic.  Oh yeah, and here's a good one.  She told me that my fella told her, off to the side, that I should have been carrying extra brake lines and I should have known how to change them, and that I was an idiot.  I found out later that was a lie.

This is what MN's want, they want to see you so vulnerable to them.  That's just so evil.  A normal person would not want to stomp on or hurt a defenseless puppy.  But they would and they do do it. That way they don't have to work so hard to get the supply they need.  They can't go to normal people to get supply, ok they might, but it is through the defenseless they want the easy supply.  There is nothing wrong with vulnerability, it would have made you a good team player in a tribal society because no one would be clueless about you.  You could be trusted.  MN's would have been rooted out I swear.  If you went around mistreating and abusing the others they would throw you away. Team work was what was needed to spear the woolly mammoth.  And, how do I find out if these berries are poisonous?  That vulnerable woman over there, she will not lie to you.

When I talk about vulnerability, I am talking about the real and authentic self, not stupid.  Stupid is inauthentic.  Stupid is a mask, we wear it so no one will deal with us, it is much safer that way. Keeps people away.  Sometimes I choose to be stupid, it does have a value at times.

When I was growing up, I saw mother get angry at times, and the few times she did hit, she went overboard.  One time my brother had to intervene.  And still the blame was on me.  This was Joan's fault she said, I pushed her too far. I pushed her too far?  What did she mean?  That I alone was responsible?  Take the responsibility and cover up any vulnerability I would have about it.  In other words, don't cry.  You deserve it.

I was trained to accept and love abuse.  Love abuse?  Well, not really just what you are told to do. You do what you are told.  Now, in my relationship, I need it to grow.  I always have start off my conversations with him by saying, "I'm not blaming you.....".  Sounds corny and cheesy after awhile but that is just the way it is.  Blaming someone is so easy, its almost just plain natural.  But it is needy.  I need significance and I'll take it out of your hide and your emotions till I get it.  This is the truth.  Needing acceptance means I'll not tell the truth because some of the truth ain't pretty, so I'll flower it up, put a big bow on it, just so I get accepted.  And I get so scared that you will abandon me over it.  All needy, needy, needy.  Fear of abandonment is a natural thing.  The way to get through it is to tell him that I'm afraid of being abandoned, that simple.  He doesn't mind that, but what he does mind is feeling blamed or having to cater to a lack of distrust on my part.  Of course now all this requires absolute high value vulnerability.  That true authentic self is priceless.  Where the heck is he going to find that?  Not many places nowadays.

WHAT ELSE ABOUT HYPERVIGILANCE?

Somehow my brain got the idea that I could die.  I've learned to calm my nerves, but I don't think that they will never be calm.  I still don't like to be around people much.  I find it hard.  A few social things I am now used to is ok.  I was working on a post about social skills.  This is getting better.  The pain we all suffer from narcissistic parents.  Will someone hurt me?

I had to post this today because it feels like I'm crazy.  I wanted to give myself the peace of mind this is actually completely normal.  It is.  There are ways to balance the feelings, that is by learning new skills.  I don't have hypervigilance as much as I did in the past, as my life is very serene now, but I have a lifetime of experience with it.  I know now when its regular reaction to a traumatic event or that versus brainwashing.  I hope I'm making some sense here today.

Hypervigilance is being on the aware of what could go wrong.  And of course, as ACON's, if something can go wrong it will.  I react to things, even though I have to stay and focus, that is what's looks like crazy.  And normal people don't want to be around a crazy person, I mean who can trust a crazy person?

I would like to explore a little of hypervigilance from my own perspective.  I don't really want to go into someone else's work here, or any research.  I feel like I've learned this from life skills.  I've figured out a lot while I've had this blog.  I've come to terms with myself.  I realized I'm not crazy.  I have no illness.  I'm a normal person who has been traumatized and my built in hardwiring from my ancestors came in to try to fix it and that is it.

But how does one cope living with trauma?  The reality is too much to bear in one blog posting.  I feel it is and has been my mission since I started this blog.  To find the answers for living with trauma.  How to stop getting into abusive relationships was one of my favorite posts.  And I gotta tell you it was one of the easiest things for me to write, it fit me so well.

I just like looking for answers.  In the past I always embarked on knocking down doors of mental health clinics, seeking help.  I even worked in one for awhile, giving a group session on PTSD, can you believe that?  I did that just from some knowledge I had.  It was not my trade.  I was skilled in the knowledge of something logically, but I had no clue about it.  That's why I'm worried most therapists are doing the same thing.

I don't remember much of it.  I was able to help people because I had this ability to, that was all.  I wasn't that keen on it.  I much preferred mathematics, to social work.  But one day I needed a job and that job needed me and there I was.  I did a wonderful job.  But the boss was MN and the rest is history.

I think that once you have been traumatized you will be hypervigilante for life, but I might change that opinion later.  For now, it does seem plausible that the mind will always feel unsafe and needs safety and protection. You can't "unsee" something.  You can't undo an act.  This is not anxiety, as popular as that term has become.  I'm not chemically imbalanced.  The programming is set to feel fearful.  But perfect love casts out fear.  That is true.  I am not committing a sin or an immoral act here.  I'm not choosing this.  I have what has become tolerant to abuse from others, and this is how my mind and body reacts. It says, no way. My body is trained to protect itself, by using my brain to perceive things and the least little bit will do this.

Lets take out the anxiety, lets take out the depression, lets take out all that stuff that makes it a mental illness, it is not.  I'm not ill.  I'm trained for battle.

Social Skills are for Survival

Here's what happened.  It is embarrassing and I should have known better.  I was at church and a couple I know there is moving far away, and I probably will never see them again.  He is a very knowledgeable a retired high school teacher, very formal, kinda dry, but very delightful.  And as solid as the day is long.  She, on the other hand is vibrant, sweet, radiant and has this way that I admire, and find she has been a great influence on me.  Not that I talk to them much.  We talk and leave and that is all there is to it.  They are moving away and I am upset, and I don't know when they will be gone from my life forever.

Well, I asked them how the sale of their house is going, how the packing is going etc. questions like that.  I started to get this look from her that I knew I was intruding and I just shouldn't be asking these questions.  Then I suddenly said, "Oh, I was just wondering when you are moving, so I know how long you'll be here.  I'll miss you guys so much."  She smiled and said maybe a little over a month.

See what I'm getting at here?  Stupid, stupid of me.  I just wanted to know how much longer they were going to be around, and instead of asking that simple little question, I asked a bunch of stupid questions instead.  One quick question was all I needed to ask, and instead I asked about things I really didn't care about and crossed their boundaries.  Why would I want to know how the sale of their house is going?  Seriously?  And I didn't know them well enough to be asking that question.

Oh boy.  Am I ever embarrassed.  Have you ever wished for a time machine that would go back for just a few minutes?  I did that day and I wish that all the time.  I make so many mistakes in social skills.  It's because of my nerves.

I got a powerful lesson though.  I discovered I made the mistake.  In the past, I would make these mistakes never knowing what I did wrong.  Why did I offend someone?  I don't know, I just thought I was one hell of an offensive, evil person.  It kept me from going out in public, and isolated me some more.

They are a very nice couple, and wouldn't ever hurt me.  There are times in my life when I have been hurt.  When I was in high school, I was trying to get along with the others by participating in some joking, I got punched in the face by a boy.  I can't explain how that happened, I wasn't aware at the time, but if I were to experience it again, I would know.  So many painful moments.

And to this day, it screws me over.  I can't work in my field of science, I get pushed out, because of my extreme anxiety.  I don't even like to call it anxiety anymore, I need to address that in another post of hyper vigilance, that I am writing simultaneously to this one.  Tough stuff.  But it is important to open this thing up.  I know my past and how and why this is happened.  I can't get my needs met, and I get lost in the world.  Even in my relationship, his ex has been chasing him with emails and phonecalls even after all these years.  He ignores that and I can't help but get this feeling that she is doing this to target me.  I can't say for sure that she is an MN, but so far what I can see, she is.  But I have my relationship site.  So this shouldn't be a problem.  Just that I don't do well with aggressive people, my hyper vigilance is up, so this is a process.

I'll give you another example of how I've grown.  We have an MN in our bible study group.  She only comes in the winter.  I've only met her because I didn't join up till this winter.  This part is a little strange, but she seems to keep everyone on edge.  I can now see that.  She sits beside me all the time. I try to sit somewhere else and she comes along and sits beside me.  She says she likes me.  Of course she does, of course.  Narcs love me.  Then she gets all this praise from everyone.  Everyone calls her nice.  Nice?  Are they lying?  No, they are doing this as some kind of mind meld.  I don't know if I can explain that. When I had a big cyst on my cheek, that turned out to be a cancer, everyone was sympathetic.  She mentions a bowl cancer, everyone is quiet, seemingly unable to even communicate. And even, I've noticed everyone seems to be avoiding any direct talk with her, and avoid eye contact if they have to answer back to her.  She always initiates any conversations.  They tell her her doctor is doing his best.  The room goes quiet.  She continues talking.  Soon someone said, "Ok,". I can hear movement, body language changing, it looks like they try to turn away from her.  They acknowledged it then the subject got changed.  A big sigh of relief. And its like I can see everyone is smiling over at the one who changed the topic.  Everyone seems to avoid her, then they call her this nice sweet lady. :/

She gets downright nasty at times.  She is practically putting others down during the bible study because, "I knows more about the bible than you  or you or you."  She sits next to me and it feels like sitting next to a rattlesnake.  I hear these weird clicking sound.  Do all narcs do that?  I know she is in her 70's, probably normally raspy, but its different somehow.  I can't explain it.  Just a lifetime of hyper vigilance I guess.  I wish someday to peel out of these nerves and actually explain it.  If I have a question, I usually direct it over to the men, I'm a little old fashioned that way.  She answers, and I try to avoid eye contact.  No, my own husband doesn't come to the bible study.

It has been taught by our wonderful Q1605, that anyone can throw you under the bus, narc or not. And I get that now.  All these people in the room will toss me under the bus if need be to save this frail old woman.  If need be.  But I know they don't like her.  This is strange.  It's like a science that needs to be explored.  I can see this now for the first time in my life.  I remember as a child thinking I would have supporters, but it turned out I had none, and I would be wondering why.  No on seems to care for a narc, but they jump to their side regardless.  Even in high school, the bullies would triumph with "love and adoration" of others.

And I can now see in my bible study, how this "sweet little old lady", could have an army of people after me, even if they don't seem to like her.  I see that now.

There is one narcissistic trait that I desperately need right now for survival.  I can't survive without the ability to make mistakes and still praise myself. If things blow up in my face, I still need to tell myself I did a wonderful job.  We don't really praise someone for screwing up, but oh well, I need that. I am not going to survive without it.  No way.   The abuse has ingrained in me too well.  One screw up and I would pay through the nose when I was growing up.  So I need this all to be good. When you are a hollowed out husk, the tendency is to retreat back into yourself, to hide.  To stay safe, to stay alive.

I know it is painful sometimes to make mistakes. It can feel downright deadly.  I know that.  It is ok to feel that way, and if you are going to feel it, feel it deeply.  Feel it down into your bones, because it is only then that the feeling can go away.

As for trying?  I never try.  I just do.  And if it blows up in my face, I will accept it as a real life lesson.  I will believe I did a wonderful job.  I would have learned something.  Mistakes are a teaching lesson, for mistakes might not be a mistake at all but a needed step in the process.

But what about taking responsibility for my bad behaviour or bad decisions?  That thought is what makes me think its narcissistic to not own up to something.  That's where I would get screwed up. My last ex-husband was a firm believer in taking personal responsibility.  I can't remember a time when he did even do that himself.  Unless of course, you can call the fact he wasn't working as a way of being responsible.  He said it wasn't fair to an employer to have him on board because he was "sick".  He thought he was being responsible by sleeping, eating, and masturbating all day on pornography sites.  And I believed him.  At the time, I know I didn't have emotional resources either, because my life was always in a panic state.  So I do understand somewhat, but in learning, I've grasped the fact that he wasn't the type of guy to be all that.  He never would have been my protector. He should have been rooted out int the dating process.  That's a separate story.  But important to social skills regardless.

I don't ever not take responsibility.  I was always trying so hard.  In fact, I came on board the ACON community because of the internal resources I had cultivated for a recovery that I didn't know what I was recovering from.  My mind could not realize I had a bad parasite that screwed me over from my formative years.  I still saw mother as a good person, I couldn't entertain anything else. I had to work hard to get here.  I had to earn my awakening.  I had to even earn my current relationship, because I went into it as a way of escaping a horrible narcissistic family.  We didn't develop from a point of passion.  That had to come later.

Every single thing has been work.  Hard work.

That is so painful.  I can never get over it.  during the most severe abuse, my child mind had to retreat, to survive to stay alive.  I needed to be hollow to live.  I need God, this painful sore spot hits me to the core.  I find myself saying over and over again, "Oh God, Oh God," screaming out to him over what has happened.  Not only that but for Him for safety.  It kind of spins around that my childhood was abusive, and I need God for me to even accept that.  I get so angry.  I'm not liking the anger.  I need Him for direction, for leadership and on my own I feel I need to try to fix all this stuff that has went wrong.

He is now leading me to explore and I'm not trying to fix things.  Things can fix themselves, I am just to practice being alive, that is all.  I mean really being alive, not a carved out husk.  So that is what I'm doing.

Everything at this point is a learning curve.  I need people around me that can understand that and allow me a place to be where I'm at in my mind.  It's not always going to be pretty.  When I express myself these days, it is not like a normal person.  It looks crazy, because I have to swing the pendulum hard and it goes way over.  But its ok.  I've only existed to be fed off of by a giant parasite. I struggle with social skills.  There will be more hollowed out husks coming onboard.  This is a hard endeavour.  If you have awakened to the truth about your narcissistic family, you can congratulate yourself, because I heard that most don't.  I can't imagine how horrible that is, but it happens.  Most of my life was spent in pure horror.  Beaten down, smacked around, left to die even.  I can't say it enough.  It was your family that set you up in life to surely die.  But you didn't die, you stayed alive.

Its weird it is social skills that the non-parents rooted out of us, but this comes to me as no surprise.

Social skills are an absolute survival trait.  Our ancestors would have died without it.  They depended on eachother for survival.  The man protected his family, and I can tell you none of our ancestor ladies could have lived without a good protector and one who would not only provide but be willing to provide, for her and her children would have died for sure.  He would also need to work well with the other men in a tribe.  The women too.  I'm sure I had at least some good ancestors, otherwise I could not be here right now.  We require it too, but the problem is that we live in little boxes, drive to work in little boxes, then work in little boxes etc. Stab eachother in the back.  Life has changed.

With my studies, I have come to believe that narcissists are slated for extinction.  If we just let them be they will be gone.  But oh no, we give them the highest towers in society, feed them supply because we're scared, then, take special care to take care of the bullies, and oh my gosh, we breed with them.  Then they proliferate.

I'll tell you a secret.  I wrote a little phrase just before my awakening.  Here it is - I really like people.  I'm curious about them and I forget about myself and get interested in them.  A conversation is fun, a chance to learn about somebody.  I made that one up all by myself.  I wanted that.  Or at least I felt this would be good.

So what shall I say about social skills?  They are for survival plain and simple.  During my studies on relationships I have discovered this.  But being raised by a narcissist, I had none.  Now I'm growing some.  I can use logic for it, but place me in a room with a bunch of people and I am a mess.  I need my comfort and it doesn't include people.  I wish it did but I must be realistic.  I wonder about people who have that natural want to be around others.  What does that even feel like.

Narcs seem to like people?  They don't.  They are parasites, just unable to exist alone.

Well anyway I have done a tad of research on social skills and I found myself overwhelmed by my panic.  It doesn't fit me, its hard.  It's too painful.  Sometimes things reach a point where it's too damn hard to even get started.  So much of it relies on positive thinking, and I just can't.  I had to turn off the computer and walk away.

Well anyway, just to let you know, I have some things I have been using to socialize and are very calming and relaxing. And easy peasy.  For me, I felt no triggering reactions from this.  When you have PTSD anything can trigger an attack, anything.  From my own experience, I feel I can say that. So in my opinion, anyone can feel safe and these feel like a nice long bubblebath and hot chocolate.

When I get panicky it is not pretty.  Hypervigillance turns me into someone else.  It is so scary.  That is why I think I can tell you that this actually feels good.  Going from my perspective.

It's comfy to look at this from the failing side.  I have all these plaguey thoughts about failure, so I try to see what would happen when I don't get everything exactly right. As soon as I can see the failing side to things, I'm ok.  It is only easier for me, and I think it will be easy for anyone always on the edge of painful panic.  So go ahead, make mistakes, make lots of mistakes.  Let it blow up in your face if need be.  And congratulate yourself when it does.  I think I have enough experience from my own ACON life to say these are comfy, comfy, comfy.

When I'm meeting someone, I should be concerned about my own image, and not worry about the person I'm talking to.  I will worry about saying or doing the right thing.  Or I can actually value the person I'm with, even though I might have my shirt on backwards.

I will absolutely be concerned only with being in sync with someone.  When I was in counselling, the therapist told me that in social interactions there is an exchange between the two, and I am to remain always trying to figure out what that is.  Even if that takes my attention away.  Or I will realize that the very nature of connecting with humans is that it is not perfect.  There will be times I will say and do the wrong things, and that is great.

I will need to look our sound smart.  I won't worry about being fully present with someone, I won't care about that, I must sound cool.  Or I can just be fully present with someone.  If a friend needs to talk, I'll just put on the tea, and stay in the moment with them.  Because here is the cool thing that is actually scientific.  If you are fully present with someone you'll be able to respond, connect, and be in tune with what is needed in that situation, rather than doing what makes you look good or sound smart.  

The best example of being present is when a friend comes over and she is hurt over her marriage breaking up.  Not present means that you'll tell her to get over it, and take her to the bar to meet some new men.  Ever have a friend do that to you?  Ugh.  Or you can put on the kettle and settle into the hurt and pain and anguish she is feeling.  This might take hours.  It's ok, you are getting your needs met too.  This is social interaction.  This is presence.  I've seen this in movies, and the women were eating ice cream out of cartons.  Isn't that great?  But be careful, food might mask pain we should really be feeling.

I know these are really just one on one social situations.  I am currently trying to extrapolate for actual group social situations.  This one is hard.  I can only get along in groups if I feel no aggression and the group is kind and inviting.  Otherwise I'm screwed over.  I remember work situations, where I could have voiced myself and got my needs met, but I can't do that.  Even if it is in my best interests to do so, I'm afraid.  That will take more growth and I hope to get there.

But I know last week I was with a group of women in my quilting class and I finally got things together in my head.  I said to myself that even if my shirt is on backwards, I will use the one on one social skills for what I'll do in groups.  I'll be present and I may have made a fool of myself, but I'm not focusing on that any longer.

And yes, there is an MN in my bible study group, and I choose to not socially interact with her.  No one else seems to, and I know from my mother, that even if she says something that is good, not to take for granted that she is a good person.  Otherwise I'm fine in that group, and I work on getting my needs met regardless of anything.  (even if I have a booger hanging out of my nose, which is not going to happen, that is just the MN mother that raised me, that loved to tease me about being stupid, whatever, so it has no basis in reality.)  That was narc supply, plain and simple.

As far as me asking intrusive questions of that couple who are moving?  Well, when we are second guessing ourselves and our actions, and not being fully present that will happen.  What do we know what to ask?  Just go by your gut, your authentic and true self.  I just wanted to know how long I'll have them in my life because I'll miss them.  There is nothing wrong with that, that is lovely.  It is sentimentality, but that is not what would help me while growing up in the vortex of a narc.  I might treat all people like narcs if I don't become authentic.  Just do it whatever.  If you feel like you would like a raise at work, just ask for it.  I'm sure your boss won't hate you for it.  Unless he is a narc, he might drive you into the ground.  But if he is hateful, its not your fault its because he is a narc, and that is what narcs do.  Don't blame yourself.  Your boss might give you some feedback on your work. See that as a positive thing, it will help you grow.  But take his advice with a grain of salt, this is just a person with an opinion, but he has the experience, he can help.  See yourself for who you truly are, you are a good person.  It's this feeling of being vulnerable we hate.  I know as ACON's this feels deadly.  See this as a reality of how you were raised.

I don't think I've covered the reality of what we feel while all this is going on.  I hope to get to that in my next post of hyper vigilance.  Maybe I should publish that one first, but for some reason this was easier for me.  I didn't want to put them together because I wanted to keep this one sweet and easy, but I will talk about the real feeling that death is imminent really soon.