The Road of Awareness

I'm starting to realize that my postings are very raw, but they are real too and a lot of energy goes into them, and it must be crazy to the normal people out there.  That's ok, I can't imagine what its like to live in their skin either, so we are equals in that way.  What can I say except that I am someone who has had her identity stolen by her engulfing narcissistic mother.  You can't live through that and be expected to be normal.  Let all the world know that.  

Before my awakening I was starting to think that maybe I had been sexually molested as a child. That's what a therapist revealed to  me once, but I really had no recollection of that.  I was really hoping that wasn't the case but I was acting like it as I'm so reserved and like to keep to myself.  And pride would not let me believe that either.  Even though something like that is never the victims fault, I hear so much of them blaming themselves for it.  And that is unfortunate, however, I had an experience that was really very similar, I think.  I was emotionally molested, it is called emotional incest, when a parent takes everything that belongs to you on an emotional level.

When I was dating my current husband, I was told to end it with him because mother needed my care all the time and wasn't allowed to go anywhere else even though I am in my forties.  What a cruel behavior, she could have gotten the same help anywhere else, but I was EXPECTED to stop living for her.  Yes, that was the case.  To give up fishing on the lake to go help mother while she tormented me constantly to the point where I was on so many drugs that I couldn't function anyway.  That I would be blamed for too.  But that is okay with all the freaks and flying monkeys.  Mother was the important one here, not me.

This is a mother who would not let me leave her sight unless she has another source of supply on the go and she had me available at any time.  In that case, I had to get out of the way.  A mother who will have a fit when I got hurt badly and she has to go to the hospital.  I cut myself badly once when I was a preteen, and I'm telling you if we didn't have guests at the time, I don't know what would have happened.  It was our guests who made sure I got medical help.

I do things that are not nice either.  My last posting, I really was not being nice to my husband by calling him a dumbass, and its really not like me.  I'm not going to edit that, just I am aware now of how emotional this stuff is.  I've never really faced any of this stuff till now so its going to be crazy. And I'll continue to be as real and raw as I have been. As far as calling him a dumbass is concerned, I had no need to to that in my posting, as he is not a dumbass, just how I felt at the time.  My emotions are like the waves of the sea, what I say today might not be the same I will say tomorrow.  How about trustworthiness?  Am I trustworthy?  Well, I think people trust those who are most like them and that's all.  I will hold myself accountable for the things I say and apologize for them later if need be. Its called growth.

My husband is a smart fellow.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  His ex was very controlling to the point where he was not allowed to form an opinion or make a mistake. Blame was the name of the game, and to this day its still hard for me to help him understand that I don't do that.  I certainly have been on the receiving end of that game before and it doesn't feel really good.  I even let him make every mistake under the sun until he gets it right, without telling him what to do.  He is starting to feel safe with me.  With vulnerability and authenticity I help him understand that I let him lead, and I in no way try to control him.  He knows that I value his strength, his temper, and everything about him. I would not be happy controlling someone, even if I could.  I also feel safe with him.  Always have, I just get so nervous and scared that I don't know what I"m doing sometimes.  I'm not in a safe place in my life right now.  My mother has stolen everything from me, and I can't get it back.  I'm trying to learn some things and teach some things, and the road is never easy.

I value my emotions, because I can feel these creeps, not logic them out.  They don't make logical sense.  So for me to think, here a narc, there a narc, is damn near impossible.  I would be jumping off a cliff before I could ever figure it out.  If it feels wrong, then it is wrong, and that is emotions, but I must beware because my emotions are not what I need them to be right now.  That's why I want to feel all of them no matter what.  See what they are, and let my mind and body heal itself.  I just want to say that we must be aware of what is going on in our emotions, that is the realm of the malignant narcissist.  I might be wrong here, they might work through the mind, or both.  Oh well, time to feel first, it is a place to start.

On my visit to my oldest daughter's I learned some things that I feel is good to share with you.  Well, we got to talking and I brought up this stuff I'm learning and I'm very excited to talk about.  First of all, yes she knows I'm an ACON this is not something I can protect her from.  For a long time she was not talking to me because she felt I was not there as a parent.  But persistence on my part paid off.  However, to get there I needed to give her full disclosure, and she thought of my FOO and a look of understanding came over her.  She gets it now.  Years of counselling, and I still didn't seem to do or say anything that seemed to fit.  I appeared selfish, self-centered, in my own world.  Dopey, lacking energy, yes you get it.  Upon discovery that I'm an ACON, everything now fits regarding my behavior.

Once I told her the truth about mother, my daughter is able to be at peace with me.  These truths my daughter already knew as I'll say again in a bit, but even she could not grasp how much that has affected me.

She has even said to me that her upbringing was much better than mine and to me that is amazing, love that girl so much.  She has a big heart, and as such I was worried that she may be a target to predators, so I really wanted her to be aware of what was out there.  But it was me who was in for the lesson.

She told me bad stuff used to happen all around me and it was like I never paid attention to it.  We talked about my MN friend, let's call her Bossy. 

"Well, Bossy had a way about her and you didn't even notice,"  my daughter said.  "I think I told you she mistreated her daughter who was already suffering from schizophrenia and obesity, and Bossy made a public spectacle of her by announcing loudly in front of a crowd that her daughter was not allowed cake."  It was her daughter's birthday party but she was not allowed to have cake and this was announced loudly into the crowd.  And I'm sorry to say I still liked Bossy because I didn't notice that, and continued our friendship.  "Bossy, also had a weird smile when she said that, and this sound came out of her mouth, like a laugh," my daughter continued.  It was amazing she was talking of narcissistic supply here but she doesn't even know what that is.

My emotions got really tight and I didn't know what to say.  It felt horrible to hear that.  I was friends with Bossy for 20 years and thought the world of her.  My daughter is 27 but at the time of the birthday party, she was only about 10 and thought Bossy was lower than dirt.  

After awhile, our conversation tamed right down.  I always feel like I'm at a loss talking to my daughter.  I wanted to talk about the cat that was declawed who lives in a world of mean cats.  Even though she knows of my upbringing she can't understand everything.  I felt bad and depressed.  

"You don't see what is in front of you, and sorry to say this Mom, but that is why I've always had a problem with you.  You ignore things, and its like you don't care about anything."  Her openness with me is charming, ain't it.  

I felt I needed to defend myself at this moment.  "You need to understand some things about me, first of all, you remember your Grandmother?" 

"Oh yeah, I know Grandma is a real bitch.  I know she was horrible to you, I saw that too."  My mouth just flew right open.  I felt like an idiot at this point.

It was just like the little girl taunting me on the stairs in my posting of Brainwashed into Addiction Part 2.  I was so stuck.  I couldn't maintain a regular conversation, that I was the older one here, with my own daughter.  

Now relationships don't come easy.  And maintaining personal boundaries are so hard.  To have personal boundaries with your own adult child is impossible.  I felt she was slamming me down and I couldn't respond or deal with it anymore.  Again, my pride took over.  Why the hell is this kid doing this?  She had no idea what hell I had to go through growing up.  

"Look Mom, I know you weren't allowed to stand up for yourself.  I sort of had that with our stepfather (my second husband).  The only saving grace in him was that he slept most of the time.  And thank God he did, or else we would be the same too."  

"Your stepfather was a malignant narcissist?"  I asked.

"What is a malignant narcissist?" She asked.

Down the rabbit hole I went.  But it didn't take her long to dominate the conversation.  I was at a loss again, but I still wanted her respect. so I said,  "Listen, I know you don't want to hear this but please try to understand what I'm saying.  We can't trust some people because they are like that, they are really hiding a secret agenda, and that is what we have to be careful of."

Here is what she told me, "I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if they screw me over, that's it."

"How do you know when they screw you over?"  I asked.

"Cause I will know it, and Bossy would have been dumped long ago if I was you.  We had a lot of strange people in our lives, almost all of them were strange.  And they just walked all over you."

Giving people the benefit of the doubt is not something I am learning right now.  I've read enough blogs to realize how most feel about that.  Actually I tend to think there is more of a guarded approach in getting to know people.  I explained that in great detail to my daughter, who sat and listened.

"No, you can't trust people right off the bat, but you can't just think they will all hurt you either."  She said.  I was very confused.  She did explain further, but this was like extreme calculus for someone who doesn't know derivatives and doesn't know how to add or subtract either.  So where is the boundary?  I was overwhelmed.

We just looked at eachother.  I had nothing to teach her.  Her claws were intact and she had more knowledge of this than I did.  She was safe.  We talked lots that day so I know she is in a place I could never be, and I'm happy to know she is safe.  She has discernment, and this I will value in her. She knows my upbringing and she does find it horrifying and we understand eachother.

All of the people she calls friends are there for her and are real people.  None of them give me the creeps, and she doesn't ever try to crawl or seek approval of anyone.  She is accepted or she is not, and its all the same to her, and she cold shoulders those who are in any way close to being a narcissist, I can tell.

I wish I had it so easy, just by my feeling like it I can approve of myself and it doesn't matter if no one else does.  Is it that ACON's have to be so careful as we will seek approval in anyone in order to be accepted, that is why we have to be so careful?  We can't take chances like the others?  That is something mother needs to be thanked for again.  Another pile of manure on her head!

It's not all bad news.  I think awakened ACON's have a gift of knowing a predator before the normal people do.  I'll give you an example.  I was out doing my volunteer work some time ago.  I saw one of the volunteers get angry with something over what really was a difference of opinion.  The following week the angry woman could not tolerate the other lady and in fact threw a whole pile of keys at her when was asked for the keys.  Now this was a huge ring of keys, not tossed but thrown at another lady which seemed like the keys were coming straight at her face.  Not so bad?  Well the lady she threw the keys at was elderly.

I told my daughter about this event.  My daughter said, "Maybe they are not getting along, and you don't know all the story."  True, this could be true, however, I learned something else.  No one seems to really feel ok around this person and she tends to take over things, that is being controlling.  Last night, while volunteering, I was cleaning up and she wanted the rest of the vegetables.  I was going to take some too, but she told me she wanted them all.  You know, I'm over it.  I didn't tell my daughter this part, so I don't know what she would think.  But I have enough evidence, I even did with the key throwing, that was an early warning sign, I think.

Maybe my daughter would have thought all that stuff was circumstantial, or not, seeing as I'm explaining it and if she saw the event unfold herself, maybe she would have thought differently. Either way she doesn't have to spend a lot of time figuring it out, she has it figured out.  I have to operate in conscious mode, my daughter has it down automatically. I cannot ever let N's mop the floor with me again, so I have to keep aware of the fact that I am a target for predators, my daughter is not.

I suppose what I'm really saying here is that maybe we have become stronger in looking for these beasts and a whole lot more clever because we have to, we are targets.  The normal people can afford to stay loose (must be nice), I'm not afforded such a luxury.  Thanks to mother again, another pile of manure on your head.

My daughter tells me to just believe I'm not a target anymore and all will be well.  Mmmm, maybe I'll try that.  I'm just kidding, calculus is much easier.  Ok, back to the real world here.  I'm not ever going to let these piles of poop ever get their claws into me again.  I've had it with malignant narcissists, I hope the one I volunteer with will come to terms with the fact that I may be a target but I'll rip her apart if she even tries to aim at me.