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Sunday, September 7, 2014

Brainwashed into Addiction



I have really had to pray over this posting, I don't want this to be used on any child.  If you are a praying person, please pray for God to shut the eyes of the abusers to what I'm about to write.  I don't want to unburden myself only for another to suffer.  The post title is creepy, however, I needed to do that as a warning for what you are about to read.  I really need to talk about this in detail. I have big problems with fear, and I am done trying to cope with it in silence.  There is no counselling for what I need, no pill for me to take that will help. 

The paradox, no one warned me about what I was in for when I was born.  Maybe if by some small token, someone would have opened up, then maybe there was a chance that someone would have heard them, then seen what was going on, and all of that would have stopped.  All I was told, while growing up, was that I'm a spoiled little brat, which confused the crap out of me, because I was actually in a hornets nest, which I proceeded to be in a hornet's nest for many decades BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I KNEW.  I am willing to be a big mouth.

My gosh, we can't say anything because the information may get into the wrong hands?  I have heard that one before.  It is the information age, they can get it anywhere.  But still I pray it won't.

I'm going to tell you something horrible, keep in mind, it is hard to take but I would not have a blog otherwise.  I am a simple person who does not even use the computer much and I want to live a simple life.  I have not been able to do that.  I get stuck in fear, dread, and I can't deal with it anymore.  As far as pills and therapy goes, I have tried those.  I'll admit I learned some things.  Some life skills  that I should have learned in childhood from the therapy, the pills not so much.  Right now, I am not on any medications of any kind.  Not for years.  I haven't taken even so much as an aspirin. So, I'm feeling all my pain and anxiety, just letting my emotions take over.  How do I know its my emotions?  Well, there is no way to know for sure, but my hands race to type things that I'm not even thinking about.  I can't type fast enough, my mind has to race to keep up with my emotions, they go so fast, then before long I have to go away from the computer to again allow my brain to catch up so I can type. I have to do that before thinking takes over and my brain goes and screws things up and has to rationalize everything. If I start thinking of what to write, my thoughts will be a lie, that I have a nice mommy.  Emotions communicate to me by feelings, and I put words to these feelings.

The result is a form of word vomit that will make no sense to you but only to me, then I edit the thing put it into proper place for proper reading.  That is the job for rational thought, it does have a place. But the words come from actual emotions. As of now, logically and rationally, I'm not accepting what has happened. To accept that this was not my fault, but the work of someone else for no other reason, but to feel good, is unbearable!  This is ridiculous, how the hell has this happened?  How could God have made these insidious creatures?  Um, I need to stick to the topic at hand.  Emotions go all over the place but for my sake I need to get this out straight.

That wonderful mother I had that made me hot chocolate and babied me does not even exist.  It was all a con.  The real truth is that it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Fear, dread, took over my life more and more, and I turned to mommy more and more, then more fear and dread.  As of last night I remember the ability to defend myself was gone even from the time I was 3 years old!  I'll need to get into that at a later time for this posting is enough to digest.

How did I lose track of myself?  I didn't lose it, my mother stole it.  She babied me, treated me like an infant, and you know what?  I got the blame for it.  Mmmmmm.  And you know I think it was hard for me to believe even as a child people were so stupid, so I took it to mean that maybe I was spoiled and selfish like they were telling me.  So I took everyone's abuse.  And you know, I am not worried about flying monkeys, well I am, but not really.  They can come, they are the stupidest people. Imagine, believing a small child is responsible for making poor mom do everything to please this selfish child.  Maybe I'll tell the flying monkeys is that there really is a Santa Clause, I saw him. Since they like to believe in fantasies they may believe that.  I used to have to sit in her lap right up until I was fifteen years old!  Yeah, I was a spoiled brat!  People can be so stupid.  They didn't even know or even care about who I was.

The nice things that mother did?  Yeah, she did them, but only to exploit!  She has no sense of morals, she can't just do things, she has to use them to gag me.  Before I was even old enough to think, she stole everything I was born with.  My intelligence, love, emotionality, self esteem, authenticity, self-defence etc. she stole it all away.  And she can't even use it herself, it was no good to her, so why the hell did she want it in the first place.  She has no true sense of herself, everything she does is motivated by the need for narcissistic supply!  She doesn't even care if her own son died. It actually fed her narc supply, because he apparently died from being too fat, so that's something she gets to laugh about for the rest of her life!

Mother made me out to be a very smart child.  Go to school, get yourself an education, don't be dumb like me.  I guess I heard that all the way I was growing up.  Sounds good, something that a normal parent would say right?  Oh for sure.  However, I have another memory of something else as well.

The memory happened from about the time I was between 8-12, such a wide age range.  But I can't really remember how old I was.  It happened sometime before my teen years.  I didn't know a lot of stuff at the time, so I locked it away in my memory till the time I was old enough to understand what it all meant.  I realize now that I have always remembered this, but of course, it couldn't be true.  I doubted myself too much to believe it, it couldn't have happened because mother was a good person. Or I thought that it did happen but its ok, mother didn't mean it.

So one day when when I was alone with mother she started saying these things to me, she was saying "your going to be a drunk, your going to screw every man you see."  "Your too dirty, no one wants you".  I also remember "What are you going to do, when you can't ever get anyplace?"  I remember these exact words.  She said them over and over again and this went on for quite some time.  I remember it being so horrible that I wanted to fight back but couldn't.  That ability was taken away from me, my earliest memory being when I was 3 years old.  Its hard for me even to think about fighting back,  it always was, and I don't know what it even feels like to fight back.  Fighting back is something I can probably talk about some more but for now, I'm only mentioning it to fit with I couldn't fight back mother when she was saying very mean things to me.   And I remember this stabbing pain run right through me as she was saying such horrible mean things.

 Then it stopped. "Oh my poor baby, I'll make you some hot chocolate, its ok, it will make you feel better". I was stunned.   She went into the kitchen to make the hot chocolate and I remember her going in there and she had a bounce to her step, all happy.  For one second in time I wondered what happened why she so happy all of a sudden, as she was being so mean by putting me down.  I didn't even understand what those statements meant.  Then I remember that feeling of pain just go away. Its all ok, here is your hot chocolate, so I let it go, and the hot chocolate went down so well I can't even tell you how wonderful it felt.  The feeling of pain left my body slowly as all the world was anew now and it felt great to be out of it.  I was in a state of euphoria.  It felt great to be in mother's good graces again.

After that, all I remember is the shooting pain would come then the hot chocolate, and this would happen over and over again for years.  I clung to hot chocolate for dear life, I couldn't even imagine my life without it.  It got rid of pain.  Did she say mean things to me every time before she made the hot chocolate?  I don't know.  I remember the pain, and the hot chocolate.  I thought I had this wonderful mother everyone wished they had, she gave me hot chocolate whenever I felt bad.  Was she feeding me bad thoughts about myself through all those years?  The evidence I have that she did was that I would always feel pain right before the hot chocolate came.  That I am aware of.  I am also drawing that conclusion because it wasn't normal at my age to be feeling so bad and horrible about things I didn't even understand.  They just sounded horrible.  And the look on mother's face while she was doing it was mean.  All those horrible feelings would sit right in my emotions.  I couldn't remember them in my thoughts, I was attacked in my emotions, then got some hot chocolate. I had lots of pain, then hot chocolate.

About a year ago, I was cooking on the stove making this elaborate dinner and this horrible thought came to me, saying, "You are nothing but a loser."  I remember it exactly.  It was horrible, and I had to hurry the cooking and just throw it together so I could go sit on the couch, I was depressed.  But I remember lots of times I am sitting on the couch and so depressed I couldn't even get up.

Only twice I can remember the putdowns, one from mother, the other in my head.  Why do the putdowns escape me the rest of the times, I can't say.

Oh, there is a long explanation for what was happening here,  I think this is called thought planting, brainwashing, watch those MN's!  This is something my poor illiterate mother excelled at, she could have written a book for spy's (if she could write).  Why did I feel so badly, to the point of real sadness from such an early age about things that don't even matter to most kids.  How would I even have been capable of it?  Sometimes I asked for the hot chocolate, after awhile I asked and she never offered, but she made it but complained I was a pain in the ass.  But I needed it, it would always make me feel better.  And she would always make it, I didn't make it for myself even once.  I didn't know how. This went on until I was fourteen, when I started high school.  It was the time I stopped sucking my thumb as well.

Lots changed when I started high school.  Dad was already gone by then, but the evil continued.  I want to even talk about the time when I was three and got drunk which ties into the stuff I just talked about.  And remembering an incident at the age of three, of not being able to defend myself.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the writing, and a little less afraid of someone commenting and saying all this stuff your mother did was normal, get over it.

I didn't become those things that mother said I would be, but it did ruin my self-esteem, I always felt bad about myself, and I think it did ruin my life anyway.

Those mean things mother was saying was usually futuristic.  To this day I'm always worried and afraid something bad is about to happen.  It will come along and overwhelm me and I won't be ok anymore.  There is this constant thought running through my brain, "Don't be happy, you have things that will happen to you if you ever let your guard down."  Hmmmm, In therapy, the therapist said that my mind goes to the direct place of the worst case scenario everytime!  I always expect the worst.  I am never settled.  I have things that are bad and are going to happen to me.  These things already exist, hide from them now!  She could not make me an alcoholic but she can destroy me anyway. She did try to get me to switch the hot chocolate for alcohol, I'll have to get into that next, or soon.

To summarize, she made me out like I was going to be very successful in my career and life, but stole every part of what I was, or what I could have become, then told everyone it was my fault.  Truth was, I was having a horrible time coping with everything, "Oh just go to school, get an education",  Ok, I got the education, but I can't hold down a job.  I freak people out basically.  If someone is teaching me a task to do, one on one, I'm so scared of them.  If they are not a narc, they get freaked out by it.  I've had bosses, eyes rolled open wide, they think I have a mental illness.  Actually, over the years, I've heard phrases like, "spacey", "dopey" "in my own world"  "can't handle stress" from other people all about me.  Can't handle stress is a good one, It's what I've been doing all my life.  Not to mention that I have  a hard time with relationships.  There you go people, an actual soul murder. 

18 comments:

  1. Have you ever seen the movie "Prince of Tides"? It's all about how a screwed up childhood dogs adults for the rest of their lives. And how creepy memories rush in when we least expect, and snuffs the life out of making new and better times as a grown up.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJweCs9hdRk

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  2. No, I haven't seen it. Does it have a happy ending?

    This post was so powerful to me. It opened my eyes to what was happening, why I couldn't cope with things sometimes, I'd get lost in my own head.

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  3. Yes it does. But there is a lot of harrowing reality on the way.

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  4. I like the movie because it shows how even surrounded by blissful and happy times, your memories can pop up and take you right back down to the past. A Bad can childhood cast a pall on life for a long time. There is another clip but it is pretty graphic do want to watch?

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  5. Sure I'll watch the clip when I get a chance. A graphic clip can't scare me anymore than I always am. I hate this and there is no one I can talk to about outside the computer, I hate not being able to talk to anyone for fearing they think I'm nuts. I look at normal people and I think I wonder what it feels like. I hate them for it, and I really shouldn't, its not their fault.

    Blissful and happy times are like a kick in the face for me. I don't know how to explain it.

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  6. It takes courage to feel the pain, pain that you have held inside all your life. Wow, that line is amazing.

    It sure is hard to be an ACON. I guess the worst part is that wishing I could have known this sooner. I have made very little of my own choices in life, always driven in the direction of what I knew, which wasn't much and those I did make, I made in fear. Or always at the manipulating hands of another psycho. I guess I have to reach the point of total acceptance. That is the hard part. I don't think it is natural to feel a parent is bad, even when they have done the stuff they had. Take the evil away from my mother, there will be nothing, that's all there is. She doesn't even really exist, just a figment. That is very hard to accept.

    I keep thinking that maybe she is pining away for me, but she doesn't really care. She hated me, was jealous of me, had to take control and destroy. She never cared about anyone else either.

    What is so funny is that she hides in plain sight. My brother keeps wanting to see her, has himself convinced that she wants to see him and the kids, even when she tells him she doesn't, he thinks no, I'm sure you do. Ain't that a kicker. I don't know why my mother hates his MN wife, seems to me like they should get along, they are the same. But I guess when mother loses control of someone, she don't want them anymore.

    The funny thing is that I don't really hate my mother, I hate that I was conned. She is what she is, and I mean really what can I expect from a pile of evil. That is what they are and they like it.

    I can't imagine anything that is worse than being an ACON, there is no way to get anything back, you want to hate, but its like trying to hate a pile of manure. Who can hate that?

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  7. How close is your brothers wife's personality to that of your mothers?
    It seems that after making peace with my narcissist mother and her crazy ways. I am having to come to terms with gravitating to women just like her.

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  8. I don't always hate my mother either. I vacillate back and forth. Some days I see her as a very sick person. Others like she was possessed by "evil spirits". Some days I blame myself for not seeing her for what she clearly was long before it was too late. There is a point where the person who was attacked by the rabid dog could see the dog for what it is and still stuck around and got bit. Some days all of the above. Some none. Or like you I feel conned coming and going. If she were not a parent I would have would have left her locus of control long before I did. Something about the value society places on a mother keeps you leading with your chin. If we sat there and took it over and over we shouldn't feel bad about it. We hung in there out of love and kindness...as misplaced as it may have been. It's on them for taking our blind faith and kindness as gullibility and trashing us until we couldn't tell what was up and what was down.

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  9. My brother's wife is the same but she is covert, she won't have a public spectacle. But she doesn't allow for differences. I have often spoken on the phone with my brother, and the conversation is put on speaker phone and I hate that, it bugs my ears, but that don't matter to them. They do it anyway, it doesn't matter what you want. We can't negotiate. They live 4 hours away, and invited us to visit then cancelled at last minute, for no reason, they just made other plans. Well, she did. And you know it spoiled our holidays, we didn't have anything else to do.

    My mother will actually make the effort to be easy going, will be there if we planned and make you feel welcome, but that is only if she wants to. If she doesn't like you, she'll tell you to bugger off. If she wants you around, she'll be up in your face about everything and you better agree with everything she says. Mother gets angry so fast that there is no telling when it will happen. When I was a kid she threw a whole pot of spaghetti sauce on the floor at my dad's sister's house, because dad's sister wiped something mother touched, mother got pissed then threw the pot of sauce. My sister-in-law won't do that. She just kinda does her own thing, and its like she is blind to everyone else.

    They both cross boundaries, they both love attention, neither one can see people as a separate entity. They step on you

    I don't know. Mother either owns you or she don't. If she don't own you its get lost. My sister-in-law just wants to be loved for being an asshat. Basically. Narcissism 101 lol

    I used to gravitate to the wrong guys too. I found them safe. They fill in the gap, from what was stolen out of me. And not just in relationships, I also had an MN friend and she was great to be around, I loved to go shopping with her she always knew what outfit would be best for me. How to coordinate the outfits, because I did not have the confidence to pick anything out myself. Unfortunately at the mall, I had to buy the things she picked out for me, there was no choice or else she would have rages. Normal people would have seen her as being controlling right away. But she made me feel safe with the controlling. I thought I needed it. I think that is why we gravitate towards them.

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  10. Yes, its on them, we mustn't ever forget that.

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  11. There are people that thought butter wouldn't melt in my mother's mouth. And they knew everything about her there is to know. I still don't know if they really liked her or if they didn't want her after them.

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  12. I think people are scared. I'm sorry to say, your mother sounds scary. Don't think I ever would have wanted to meet her. I don't think I would be alive if she was my mother. She would have did me in.

    My mother was somewhat of a stable freak. Your mother wasn't, sorry, I'm not trying to offend, but empathize. How the heck you and your sister make it.

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  13. You see, my mother had this driving need to impress people, to show others she was amazing person. She lapped up that attention. That was the stability that kept me alive.

    But, I guess I'm trying to rationalize again. Have to shut off my mind and feel, mother wasn't good.

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  14. My mother appeared stable. She was married to my father for over 20 years and my step father for close to 30. But behind closed doors she was an animal. One of the first lines in that movie is.........I don't know when my parents declared war on each other, but I know the first prisoners they took were their children.

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  15. Yeah, they are all evil these MN's they just have their different ways, but they all the same really.

    When I was 11 mom conned me into telling dad off for her, and I did it. Long story, good idea for another post.

    Truth was, my dad was alright. But later he turned to booze and doin the strippers at the strip bar. Mom threw it in our faces and we were supposed to feel guilty about it.... ok another idea for another post.

    Q, you were right, ACON's have millions of stories.

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  16. I know! Telling one story brings up two more. That's why I think we may never find answers to this. Every answer brings more questions. And to think they think they are the smart ones. They think we are the defective ones. My sister told me that she thinks my mother might of had a clue to how crazy she was. Hence her setting her beliefs in stone and never being open to a single suggestion that might lead her to a change. She thinks our mother was as clueless on how to act normal as we were left clueless about her behavior.

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  17. Check these out!
    http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/04/day-in-life-of-child-of-narcissist.html
    http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/04/postscript-on-last-post.html

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  18. Poor Anna though, that was horrible. But its interesting, my mother would never have done that. She wouldn't have cared about some record. Yet, I know what that scared feeling is. I am going to go into more feelings. Mother had a strong bond with me, and emotional torture. But I was a precocious child at times. One time she caught me trying to draw a mustache on her when she was sleeping. She woke up. She started beating me up, brother had to pull her off me. I think I was confused because I thought she had a sense of humor. lol She was always laughing about someone.

    I don't remember too much physical mostly emotional. Sometimes I remember a lot of physical abuse. In my head its all confusing, the posting helps bring it to life. But I'm worried I may have some false memories, that may happen that's why I have to watch the anger as I process things. But with no medications or therapy, there is no interference.

    I'm scared too it will get found out by my family. Because the stuff I post is so unique to my family, That's the risk we take, Yes, I'm scared of mother but she is almost 80, I'm scared of my sister-in-law more. I think she is dangerous, I have not seen her pushed to the edge before, that would be a new one. But the stats are good, when a few from my country are up, I'm scared.

    mulderfan said he brother found her. She said she was ok with it. I hope I get there. (Um, I think mulderfan is a her)

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