Brainwashed into Addiction

I have really had to pray over this posting, I don't want this to be used on any child.  If you are a praying person, please pray for God to shut the eyes of the abusers to what I'm about to write.  I don't want to unburden myself only for another to suffer.  The post title is creepy, however, I needed to do that as a warning for what you are about to read.  I really need to talk about this in detail. I have big problems with fear, and I am done trying to cope with it in silence.  There is no counselling for what I need, no pill for me to take that will help. 

The paradox, no one warned me about what I was in for when I was born.  Maybe if by some small token, someone would have opened up, then maybe there was a chance that someone would have heard them, then seen what was going on, and all of that would have stopped.  All I was told, while growing up, was that I'm a spoiled little brat, which confused the crap out of me, because I was actually in a hornets nest, which I proceeded to be in a hornet's nest for many decades BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I KNEW.  I am willing to be a big mouth.

My gosh, we can't say anything because the information may get into the wrong hands?  I have heard that one before.  It is the information age, they can get it anywhere.  But still I pray it won't.

I'm going to tell you something horrible, keep in mind, it is hard to take but I would not have a blog otherwise.  I am a simple person who does not even use the computer much and I want to live a simple life.  I have not been able to do that.  I get stuck in fear, dread, and I can't deal with it anymore.  As far as pills and therapy goes, I have tried those.  I'll admit I learned some things.  Some life skills  that I should have learned in childhood from the therapy, the pills not so much.  Right now, I am not on any medications of any kind.  Not for years.  I haven't taken even so much as an aspirin. So, I'm feeling all my pain and anxiety, just letting my emotions take over.  How do I know its my emotions?  Well, there is no way to know for sure, but my hands race to type things that I'm not even thinking about.  I can't type fast enough, my mind has to race to keep up with my emotions, they go so fast, then before long I have to go away from the computer to again allow my brain to catch up so I can type. I have to do that before thinking takes over and my brain goes and screws things up and has to rationalize everything. If I start thinking of what to write, my thoughts will be a lie, that I have a nice mommy.  Emotions communicate to me by feelings, and I put words to these feelings.

The result is a form of word vomit that will make no sense to you but only to me, then I edit the thing put it into proper place for proper reading.  That is the job for rational thought, it does have a place. But the words come from actual emotions. As of now, logically and rationally, I'm not accepting what has happened. To accept that this was not my fault, but the work of someone else for no other reason, but to feel good, is unbearable!  This is ridiculous, how the hell has this happened?  How could God have made these insidious creatures?  Um, I need to stick to the topic at hand.  Emotions go all over the place but for my sake I need to get this out straight.

That wonderful mother I had that made me hot chocolate and babied me does not even exist.  It was all a con.  The real truth is that it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Fear, dread, took over my life more and more, and I turned to mommy more and more, then more fear and dread.  As of last night I remember the ability to defend myself was gone even from the time I was 3 years old!  I'll need to get into that at a later time for this posting is enough to digest.

How did I lose track of myself?  I didn't lose it, my mother stole it.  She babied me, treated me like an infant, and you know what?  I got the blame for it.  Mmmmmm.  And you know I think it was hard for me to believe even as a child people were so stupid, so I took it to mean that maybe I was spoiled and selfish like they were telling me.  So I took everyone's abuse.  And you know, I am not worried about flying monkeys, well I am, but not really.  They can come, they are the stupidest people. Imagine, believing a small child is responsible for making poor mom do everything to please this selfish child.  Maybe I'll tell the flying monkeys is that there really is a Santa Clause, I saw him. Since they like to believe in fantasies they may believe that.  I used to have to sit in her lap right up until I was fifteen years old!  Yeah, I was a spoiled brat!  People can be so stupid.  They didn't even know or even care about who I was.

The nice things that mother did?  Yeah, she did them, but only to exploit!  She has no sense of morals, she can't just do things, she has to use them to gag me.  Before I was even old enough to think, she stole everything I was born with.  My intelligence, love, emotionality, self esteem, authenticity, self-defence etc. she stole it all away.  And she can't even use it herself, it was no good to her, so why the hell did she want it in the first place.  She has no true sense of herself, everything she does is motivated by the need for narcissistic supply!  She doesn't even care if her own son died. It actually fed her narc supply, because he apparently died from being too fat, so that's something she gets to laugh about for the rest of her life!

Mother made me out to be a very smart child.  Go to school, get yourself an education, don't be dumb like me.  I guess I heard that all the way I was growing up.  Sounds good, something that a normal parent would say right?  Oh for sure.  However, I have another memory of something else as well.

The memory happened from about the time I was between 8-12, such a wide age range.  But I can't really remember how old I was.  It happened sometime before my teen years.  I didn't know a lot of stuff at the time, so I locked it away in my memory till the time I was old enough to understand what it all meant.  I realize now that I have always remembered this, but of course, it couldn't be true.  I doubted myself too much to believe it, it couldn't have happened because mother was a good person. Or I thought that it did happen but its ok, mother didn't mean it.

So one day when when I was alone with mother she started saying these things to me, she was saying "your going to be a drunk, your going to screw every man you see."  "Your too dirty, no one wants you".  I also remember "What are you going to do, when you can't ever get anyplace?"  I remember these exact words.  She said them over and over again and this went on for quite some time.  I remember it being so horrible that I wanted to fight back but couldn't.  That ability was taken away from me, my earliest memory being when I was 3 years old.  Its hard for me even to think about fighting back,  it always was, and I don't know what it even feels like to fight back.  Fighting back is something I can probably talk about some more but for now, I'm only mentioning it to fit with I couldn't fight back mother when she was saying very mean things to me.   And I remember this stabbing pain run right through me as she was saying such horrible mean things.

 Then it stopped. "Oh my poor baby, I'll make you some hot chocolate, its ok, it will make you feel better". I was stunned.   She went into the kitchen to make the hot chocolate and I remember her going in there and she had a bounce to her step, all happy.  For one second in time I wondered what happened why she so happy all of a sudden, as she was being so mean by putting me down.  I didn't even understand what those statements meant.  Then I remember that feeling of pain just go away. Its all ok, here is your hot chocolate, so I let it go, and the hot chocolate went down so well I can't even tell you how wonderful it felt.  The feeling of pain left my body slowly as all the world was anew now and it felt great to be out of it.  I was in a state of euphoria.  It felt great to be in mother's good graces again.

After that, all I remember is the shooting pain would come then the hot chocolate, and this would happen over and over again for years.  I clung to hot chocolate for dear life, I couldn't even imagine my life without it.  It got rid of pain.  Did she say mean things to me every time before she made the hot chocolate?  I don't know.  I remember the pain, and the hot chocolate.  I thought I had this wonderful mother everyone wished they had, she gave me hot chocolate whenever I felt bad.  Was she feeding me bad thoughts about myself through all those years?  The evidence I have that she did was that I would always feel pain right before the hot chocolate came.  That I am aware of.  I am also drawing that conclusion because it wasn't normal at my age to be feeling so bad and horrible about things I didn't even understand.  They just sounded horrible.  And the look on mother's face while she was doing it was mean.  All those horrible feelings would sit right in my emotions.  I couldn't remember them in my thoughts, I was attacked in my emotions, then got some hot chocolate. I had lots of pain, then hot chocolate.

About a year ago, I was cooking on the stove making this elaborate dinner and this horrible thought came to me, saying, "You are nothing but a loser."  I remember it exactly.  It was horrible, and I had to hurry the cooking and just throw it together so I could go sit on the couch, I was depressed.  But I remember lots of times I am sitting on the couch and so depressed I couldn't even get up.

Only twice I can remember the putdowns, one from mother, the other in my head.  Why do the putdowns escape me the rest of the times, I can't say.

Oh, there is a long explanation for what was happening here,  I think this is called thought planting, brainwashing, watch those MN's!  This is something my poor illiterate mother excelled at, she could have written a book for spy's (if she could write).  Why did I feel so badly, to the point of real sadness from such an early age about things that don't even matter to most kids.  How would I even have been capable of it?  Sometimes I asked for the hot chocolate, after awhile I asked and she never offered, but she made it but complained I was a pain in the ass.  But I needed it, it would always make me feel better.  And she would always make it, I didn't make it for myself even once.  I didn't know how. This went on until I was fourteen, when I started high school.  It was the time I stopped sucking my thumb as well.

Lots changed when I started high school.  Dad was already gone by then, but the evil continued.  I want to even talk about the time when I was three and got drunk which ties into the stuff I just talked about.  And remembering an incident at the age of three, of not being able to defend myself.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the writing, and a little less afraid of someone commenting and saying all this stuff your mother did was normal, get over it.

I didn't become those things that mother said I would be, but it did ruin my self-esteem, I always felt bad about myself, and I think it did ruin my life anyway.

Those mean things mother was saying was usually futuristic.  To this day I'm always worried and afraid something bad is about to happen.  It will come along and overwhelm me and I won't be ok anymore.  There is this constant thought running through my brain, "Don't be happy, you have things that will happen to you if you ever let your guard down."  Hmmmm, In therapy, the therapist said that my mind goes to the direct place of the worst case scenario everytime!  I always expect the worst.  I am never settled.  I have things that are bad and are going to happen to me.  These things already exist, hide from them now!  She could not make me an alcoholic but she can destroy me anyway. She did try to get me to switch the hot chocolate for alcohol, I'll have to get into that next, or soon.

To summarize, she made me out like I was going to be very successful in my career and life, but stole every part of what I was, or what I could have become, then told everyone it was my fault.  Truth was, I was having a horrible time coping with everything, "Oh just go to school, get an education",  Ok, I got the education, but I can't hold down a job.  I freak people out basically.  If someone is teaching me a task to do, one on one, I'm so scared of them.  If they are not a narc, they get freaked out by it.  I've had bosses, eyes rolled open wide, they think I have a mental illness.  Actually, over the years, I've heard phrases like, "spacey", "dopey" "in my own world"  "can't handle stress" from other people all about me.  Can't handle stress is a good one, It's what I've been doing all my life.  Not to mention that I have  a hard time with relationships.  There you go people, an actual soul murder.