I Want My Boundaries

Lately, it has come to my attention that I'm really crazy about boundaries.  In fact, I love them.

But in intimate relationships what the heck do I do about boundaries?  I want to be safe and feel like I'm not hurting someone either, its so strange.  When I was growing up it felt weird to be in the family I was in,  Always getting hurt, and there were not many ways to protect myself, and boundaries was always an issue for me.

But what about intimacy in relationships?  I'm not talking about sexual, although that is important to, I'm talking about exposure and openness and giving that other person all you are.  I have NEVER done that, and my kids teach me how they are in relationships and its strange.  My kids aren't having issues with boundaries and they live in the world of give and take well, but I didn't teach them that, I certainly wouldn't have known how.  So is it something that we are born with?  To give and not feel like you are losing yourself?  Where is that boundary?

I had a wonderful day in town with my children yesterday, and everything seems to be going well for them.  I feel they need more still.  I was in this lovely new truck, that didn't belong to me.  It belongs to my husband, who stayed at home and I was out visiting.  And spending the last of my money that I had saved up, because it will be all gone soon anyway, might as well enjoy it.  Except for the truck, I was enjoying the last of my independence.

I was checking my bank balance online the night before and my husband was sitting in the livingroom but I didn't think he was privy to what I was doing.  Sigh, very long story short, it ended with him saying I need to give up.  The tears started coming and I didn't want to talk to him, I needed him to leave the room and he wouldn't.  Something must have snapped in me because I got to the point of complete exposure. Complete vulnerability.  From my experience this means I'll get hurt now, so I was prepared for the worst.  The worst never came, the entire time I felt exposed, unsafe and it felt horrible.

He said he will be taking care of me from now on, and he doesn't mind that.  So I will be entirely dependent on him and I don't like it.  I never wanted his things, I wanted my own things, and I never wanted him to pay my way in this world.  This sucks, especially with his buddy (2 postings ago) breathing down my neck, acting like I'm a gold digger.

That's just great.  A malignant narcissist raised me and destroyed me right at my formative years, now a malignant narcissist is twisting the knife.  I hate these useless bags of garbage.  I even had an MN friend once, and she decided to be a stay at home wife, she is no gold digger I bet. But, she chooses to stay at home and what good is that to a narc anyway?  She is just a parasite, she can't stay at home and make pies and clean the house.  She needs to be sucking supply somewhere.  Oh, well.

"I'll find someone who wants a stay at home wife," I told him, "For sure I know you don't want that but lots of men do."  I told him that as a way of preserving my dignity.  That he can't conquer, I'll still have the upper hand this way.  That there is an escape for him, and I'm not cornering him and this was best.   Then my husband started talking about next summer and we will be taking a trip to the east coast and spend that time eating lobster.

I was emotional and distraught and he wasn't even paying attention to me.  I know he can be a dumbass, but I needed him to understand what I was saying.  Pointing out that I can't be what I want to be, so I was not going to be vulnerable at this point, I wanted back the control.  Yes, it got very bad.

"Get over it now, stop living in dreamland!"   He shouted at me.  He was loud and domineering, my brain was exploding and I felt the worst I've ever felt, I think.  

I still wanted the control.  "I'm going to be writing my mother's obituary, I need to get myself in the position to do that, I'll figure it out."

Things got quiet at this point.  He had no idea what I was talking about, but I read some obituaries in RumblestirpQ's blog some have written.  Yes, my mind went straight for that.  It clung to that thought for dear life.  It made me feel safe again.  This man in front of me, had no idea what I was talking about, and I found a safe haven in the thought of writing mother's obituary.  But to him I must have sounded crazy.

He was no way getting nearer  to me.  No way.  He has already guessed that I can't hold down a job, I know that.  But I have all this pride stored up inside me and I didn't want to give that up.  We stared eachother down, and it was like a scene in an old western movie.  He looked kind of pitiful, and I knew this was hard for him.  But my feeling bad for him didn't override my pride which I was determined to maintain.

My husband's former relationship ended very coldly.  In fact, she still emails him now and then looking for an item she forgot behind and asks for it.  He never emails back, I know this because he shows me his emails.  He is rather a cold guy, but even he is more capable of intimacy than I am.  He was only 2 months separated when we met.  I got the feeling she still wanted him back, that the separation was only meant to be temporary.  That is until I came along.  I made the separation permanent.  I hated that.  I even hated her for making me feel like a homewrecker.  I hated him for being so dependable.  I wished he would just go be with her and leave me alone.  I was stuck.  Do you know what this feels like?  Where you can't survive on your own and have to be so helpless. Even my MN friend, whom I was still pals with at the time said I was interfering.  I wasn't awakened and everything in my life was so screwed up.  I wasn't taking something that wasn't mine, just grabbing a life preserver.  

How was I interfering?  I didn't even know him when they separated.  I met him after that.  He forgot about her quickly, because I needed him more than she did.

At that time I was still in contact with my mother and things were going very badly for me.  She was tightening the noose and I was terrified of leaving the apartment.  I think I was agoraphobic by then. I was in counselling because the walls were closing in on me.  The psychiatrist upped the dosage on my medications steadily, and I was taking care of mother who was aging.  Mother was emotionally abusive to me.  In fact, I ran to his place for a break from mother, so he invited her here for a weekend.  It didn't take long.  He went head to head with  my engulfing narcissistic mother.  Big fight, then mother went NC with me if I was to stay involved with that "fool".

I fell into his life permanently backwards on my butt.  We were only dating and I clung to him.  The pills were so hard in me, my tolerance level was non-existent.  I slept all day and night.  Even though mother was gone, I still couldn't function.  Mother's abuse had taken their toll.    

I've been vulnerable since we met, but no damn way was I going to show it.  But he must have known.  That is why he stayed and is still staying with me because I am vulnerable.  He never went back to his 20 year marriage after that.  As the words of Renee Wade (my favorite relationship site) says - a man will never leave an authentically vulnerable woman.  Never.  My husband's ex basically is powerless against it.  She can't come close to my vulnerability.  And ladies, remember this, this is true.  Boundaries are great, but vulnerability is what men crave the most in women.  There is a reason for it.  It goes back to the caveman days, but that is too long of an explanation.

Ok, I didn't try to be vulnerable, just fell into it haphazardly from a lifetime of abuse.  Maybe I should be on my own in a low rent apartment somewhere, with no resources.  That was mother's goal for my life.  I'm terrified of everything.  If you met me in real life you would see that.  I went to town this morning to buy milk.  And you want to know the things I'm scared of?  I was scared I couldn't find the money, scared the car wouldn't start.  Scared I'd drop the change all over.  Scared of falling and tripping etc. etc..

But if I could have it all my way, I would be in a jungle somewhere, looking for the cure for cancer, or some extremely established career.  I would not be a man's stay at home wife.  I would have it all in spades.  I don't want to be helpless, I didn't want to spoil someone's relationship by hijacking a guy with vulnerability, I hate it.  In fact, I have high moral standards, I am a Christian, I attend church, and I wrecked a marriage.  There you go, complete exposure, it feels like I'm a Christian fraud. I hardly ever get to make my own choices.  But God is still with me, in fact His presence in my life right now is even more so.  But fear does not allow me freedom to choose, God understands me.  Not too many knows how much fear is disabling.

But this relationship site I take part of says vulnerability gets all the emotional commitment from men.  I have proven it.   I want to email that site and tell them everything that happened, but I don't have the guts, they are not ACON's so its crazy to normal people.  Their idea of vulnerability is unable to open a jar, or need him for something simple.  Not this crazy.  But I did tell her that her teachings were written for my husband exclusively, and she thought it was funny.  She can never know how well her programs work.

How can he accept the fact that he is with an ACON?  I can't work for very long, I loose my employment because I'm always scared and paranoid.  I still am stuck.  I'm not talking about all ACON's here, just me.  He is not scared of anything really.  Big tough guy, he can do anything.  He is a leader and he sticks to his word, and it seems like nothing goes wrong for him.  And I hate him for it.  We have only been together for 4 years, and I resent him, I love him, oh yeah, this does suck. How does anyone be like that?  Oh, he is not an ACON that is why.  I will never know what it is like to live in his body and wake up in the morning like that.  I would have given the rest of my money to have one day of that.

The night I was looking at the computer at the last of my money,  Somehow, I was then standing in the dining room, I was on one side and he was on the other.  He had quite a few beers that night, and was having a good time,  He gets a little tipsy that way, and gets silly, but he really sobered up, and I was the one who was wacky, but I didn't drink.

Suddenly it felt like I was exposed.  He really sobered up and I'm trying to hide and this feeling sucked, still does just remembering it.  It just was a crazy night.  The panic overcame me, I was weak and I never wanted to be weak.  Can you imagine what that feels like?  I abhor the idea of being dependent on someone.  That is ok when you choose that, and I'm not trying to be a feminist here, never was, just wanted my independence because I love boundaries.  I don't feel safe right now.

He is not really a nice guy.  Well he is, but  he's enough of an asshole that anymore would make it impossible to be with him.   He wouldn't mind me saying that, and he would agree.  You know how a lot of guys say they are tired of being the nice guy?  Well, this guy wants to be the nice guy and he tries really hard to.  To be with him on my terms would be great.  But to be dependent on him is scary.  I'll never know what it's like to be my own person the way I want.  I can never have that.  Mother has stolen everything.

I don't know if I can explain this feeling I have of losing my boundaries.  It feels like what I had growing up, I can't define the difference.  Sure, I want him to love me but on my terms.  I have yet to figure that one out.

ATTENTION:  I exposed a lot of truths about myself here.  Now, I'm not proud of these truths, but what's the point of having a blog if I can't just let it go.