Part 2 - Brainwashed into Addiction

And its not like she was blaming me.  She said, "You got drunk when you were just 3 years old."  I heard this all my life while I was growing up.  That didn't hurt me one iota.  I felt a bit of a rush from hearing it, it seemed to make her happy with me as she always said it with a happy tone.

Yes, it did happen.  My cousin and I got into the punch bowl at our uncle's (mother's brother) wedding.  My cousin just a couple of years older than me so she blamed him for it.  I remember that day rather clearly.  It was a beautiful June day, and Daniel and I hung out together.  I remember him going to Granmanan and she gave it to us.   I don't think mother blamed him to his face, just to me. "It was Daniel's fault, he got you drunk".  I just loved the punch, it was so sweet and it was very good.

She also blamed her own mother for it.  She said, "Manman gave you that punch, then Daniel set you drunk".  I don't remember much of Granmanan that day.  She was busy getting the food together, and yes I do believe she gave us the punch.  It was a wedding reception and I felt out of sorts, sort of like kids do when they feel in the way.  I was glad Daniel was close by to talk to and he made me feel safe.  I remember even at that age I had an incredible need to feel safe.  Too many people and I didn't know where to go, what to do, same feeling I have to this day.

She didn't blame herself and/or me for me getting drunk that day.  She just said I will be an alcoholic because no one drinks that much hot chocolate without turning to booze.  Why didn't she blame me?  I think its because it would have never served the purpose of turning me into an alcoholic.  I think she knew that guilt changes people's actions.  She used it on my dad and it was effective.  Why did mother want me to be an alcoholic?  I think because she wanted me to suffer.  My mother's last words before we went NC were, "I love to see you go all nuts."  Why did she say that to me at the end?  Because she felt it was all over.  Mother was at my place constantly and her taunting would drive me crazy.  I felt hurt most of the time.  One time, we were sitting on the couch, she turned and looked at me, "You got a great big fat ass,"  then burst out laughing.  This taunting continued until that last statement of loving to see me go all nuts.

My research indicates she said that because she had no accountability.  No one was watching, she was going in for the kill.  Ok, understand this, a malignant narcissist wants to kill you slowly,  but yes kill you.  I found that out in research too.  A malignant narcissist is a murderer, their whole existence is to kill.  Why do they want to kill you?  It is their goal all along.  Let's put it this way. Criminal malignant narcissists that go around killing people outright end up in jail.  Those MNs are screw ups. They screw themselves over.  Sometimes they are too grandiose, they have to prove their prowess to the police.  They want the attention so bad that they get caught.  However, there are successful MNs all over the place.  They kill slowly, emotionally, it makes them feel good.  When they kill, its like they are God.  That is the ultimate in control.   Not that they have any regards for the law.  They feel they are above humanity.  They are not willing to risk getting caught and land their lousy butts in jail. You will not find any sympathy for narcs from me.  I know they kill.  I know a successful narc who soul murdered her own daughter into a schizophrenic.  She was emotionally torturing that girl so badly that my own young daughter noticed and told me,  she even saw the supply being lapped up. My daughter didn't even know any of this stuff I'm talking about.  I've seen a lot of narcs in my time. They got attached to me like the fitting piece of a lego block.  

Anyway that was down another rabbit hole.

I never got the taste of alcohol like my mother thought.  I just wanted the sweet taste of that punch.  I wasn't drowning myself in alcohol, but she said "Oh well, you'll be an alcoholic what can I do about it?  Nothing."  Imagine hearing that from the age of 5 and up, words that I didn't even understand.  I think it was around when I was 5, but it seemed like I always heard it.  "Oh, I know you'll be an alcoholic, you got drunk at 3 years old!"  In the last posting, I was drinking hot chocolate to help calm my nerves, which were ravaged by mother.  Drunk at three, she used that to say I was pretty much an alcoholic already, so hot chocolate or punch, it was all the same.  I remember once I saw myself through which what mother was saying.  I would become an early alcoholic, my life would soon be over.  Maybe I was scared of being an alcoholic.  I think the narc actually went overboard this time.  She insilled me with fear that was so bad that tanked any efforts she made to have me do myself in with booze.

That has me thinking now, maybe it is good for me to have fear all along.  Fear saves us.  We sense danger, adrenaline kicks in then we are gone or we fight back.  Of course, I couldn't fight back, so any attempts made to be an alcoholic were cancelled out the fear.  For me it is a strong fear, the one that takes over.  I'm not sure if the threat was so serious or just that I've been in the danger so long. Either way fear has a place after all.  So I just feel all the fear and it will go away?  That is my theory. All I know is any attempts to block the fear is making things worse.

There was almost always alcohol at our house, and if I wanted to drink it I'm sure I was able to.  It wasn't monitored, so it wouldn't be a problem.  But I don't think she encouraged it once.  One memory I have held onto, mother was watching me standing next to a liquor bottle.  The look on her face was eyes wide open lips opened and pulled tight.  I remember thinking that it looked so creepy.  I know now that was a creepy look if ever I saw one, however, I would not ever let myself believe it.  

I didn't or don't even  like booze.  When I grew up and it was cool to drink, I didn't want to.  She could have spiked the hot chocolate she was giving me with booze, but I'm sure she never did. One time I was with mother as she was folding the laundry.  As she was picking up some longjohns (something we northerners wear in the winter under our pants) there was a small wood chip stuck inside.  The look on her face, wow, you would think she had discovered gold.  She said this to me, "Oh, your brother is going to have a hard time with that in his undies,"

I said, "Oh, ok I'll take it off".   I quickly removed the wood chip.

She yelled at me, "How come you can't mind your own business and leave things alone."  She then took the longjohns bent them over the floor and dragged the longjohns until the wood chip was picked back up and into the undies.  

So how come she just couldn't pick up the wood chip and stick them on the longjohns?  Why use the longjohnss to pick up the wood chip.  My theory is this:  I was watching.  So she was covering her ass.  The way she did it using the longjohns to pick up the wood chip and stick it back on, her hands were clean of the wood chip which is the culprit not the longjohns.  It was through this covert method I've seen through my formative years that brainwashed me into thinking that mother wasn't bad, that this just happens, oh well.  And, it allowed other narcs throughout my life to get away with the crap they pulled.  She even made an effort to not look at the wood chip, the offending thing. But, that got me to thinking, she never touched the wood chip, she never pried me with alcohol, she just left it lying around and tried brainwashing me to drink it.  Now I see a connection?  I'm not going to go so far as say she was developing a conscience but she knew right from wrong.  And by not seeing or touching the offensive thing, all was good.  Which would work.  Brother could confront her and it was all good, she didn't see or feel a woodchip in his longjohns.   Same with not getting me to drink in an overt way.  She used brainwashing instead.  She was on a mission, and the mission had to include keeping her hands clean.  As a matter of fact, she was always like that.

The brainwashing backfired because fear overrode it.  Tell me I'm going to do something that will kill me, insill me with fear, nice going.  In fact I saw nothing fun about getting drunk and wasted and I much preferred quiet gatherings.  Even tea parties were more my style.  When bad things happened, or dirty or sexual, I always turned away from it.  This seemed to annoy the crap out of people.  "Oh, your not much fun."   But I did actually find a narc to hang out with that enjoyed church socials and volunteering and shopping just like I did. and turned her nose at drinking and partying.

Something happened the day I got drunk at three.  I was being taunted by another girl.  She was around the same age as me.  Long dark hair and very pretty, I did not feel pretty at all.  I remember when I saw her I was very aware of how weird I felt about myself.  I felt out of sorts, like she had control of me by what she was saying.  She was not drunk.  She stood at the bottom of a set of stairs outside saying, "Oh I have a nice mommy and daddy.  Your mommy don't like you, my mommy told me that."  She said some other things about my family versus her family, I can't remember all of it.  I felt scared.  I couldn't even say anything.  I was trying to walk down the stairs, I wanted her to like me.  She was making an angry face.  I stopped.  I still wanted her to like me and I was scared of her.  I just wanted her to stop being so angry.  I'll always remember that little girl though.  And how scared of her I was.  I remember thinking, that she was saying those things, so they must be true, I'm no good.  I remember that.  I didn't know how she knew so much about my family.  She was a niece of the bride I think.

Now, how come was I so scared of another kid when I was three?  I know it seems plausible, that yes some three year olds may be scared.  But here's the thing.  I remember that feeling to this day and that feeling was so horrible I thought I was a big nothing.  And my mind racing to try to fix the situation. And me wanting her to like me?  I think I perceived a threat and I was used to always placating people.  Angry face then threats.  That is what I was aware of at three years old!  I know three year olds are not that aware.  In fact, they are all about a "me" attitude.  Just what is a narcissist?   A narcissist is a case of arrested emotional development at the  level of a three year old.  When I was three I was scared of angry faces and perceived threats, that was in emotions.  Emotions are exactly where we are.  You can have a beautiful day with everything just lovely and perfect, but your emotions are what calls the shots.  You have no way around that.  I think that explains why I felt so scared even while I drunk.  Now, alcohol is a depressant, and maybe that somehow played into my emotions.  But there is nothing really that complicated about a three year old.  In fact, all of us can only imagine things through our own life experiences.  That's it.  Alcohol didn't give me the knowledge of a perceived threat.  You can make your own judgement call on that one though.  I've made mine.

Oh yes, lots of psychology here to try to figure this one out.  But I was the child the narcissist clung to in my FOO.  She kept me in a state of "great love" for her and I tell you facts, just plain facts.  The memories are ones that I knew all my life.  In fact, I could have told you years ago about them, but I was not believing the truth, it was too horrible, and I WANTED to trust mother.  I lay it all down now, it is the first time.  Those memories lay deep seated in my emotions, I have to just feel it and they are there.

I don't remember much about how I got out of that situation.  I do remember the little girl's face dropped then mother was behind me.   That was it.  Years after the reception all I heard was mother saying she had to take me in and sit on me to make me stay put or else I would have killed myself on those stairs, I was so drunk.  Not too many years later I had the hot chocolate addiction.

I better stop there.  Tired of trying to figure out how it all ties in together.  These are the facts, memories I've keep for so long.  This is all so insane.  I thought by typing this all out it would make sense to me, but it seems to get so topsy turvy instead.