The Quiet Mind

I can't watch this video without crying, even over and over again.  This is a true story, Henry Howard wrote this poem, and he was executed under the command of King Henry VIII back in the early 1500's.  Here are the words to that poem:

MARTIAL, the things that do attain The happy life, be these, I find :

The riches left, not got with pain ;The fruitful ground, the quiet mind :

The equal friend, no grudge, no strife ;

No charge of rule, nor governance ;

Without disease, the healthful life ;

The household of continuance :

The mean diet, no delicate fare ;

True wisdom join'd with simpleness ;

The night discharged of all care, Where wine the wit may not oppress :The faithful wife, without debate ;Such sleeps as may beguile the night.

Contented with thine own estate ;Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.

Such profound words from a guy who was considered a very difficult man.  History does not give Henry Howard a good report.  And actually, if history were to write about me, oh no, lets not go there.

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday.  It turns out my cholesterol is 3.7 and it is supposed to be at 2.  The doctor is concerned about this for I have a brother who died of a heart attack at 45, and a mother who had high cholesterol.  The doctor discussed with me that the genetic link factor is the worst.  I never told her that I had a grandmother who died at the age of thirty of a heart attack for having too many children.  And that was on my father's side.  Too many connections, and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be very careful with my eating habits and start exercising.  I have to have a bunch of heart tests too, and they'll call me to set a date.

Last night for dinner we had some white meat chicken and a big salad, with healthy dressing,  a piece of whole wheat bread.  I talked about the results with my husband who just sat there a little nervous too.  I have the genetic link factor, and I'm feeling like a ticking time bomb.  He's concerned about this too, and that is probably coupled with him staring down at the chicken and salad and he's probably wondering when he'll ever have a steak again.  I know its important for us both to eat healthy and he likes to eat red meat.  I think I'm just going to put some healthy food in his diet and allow him to eat what he wants.

We like fish, but we only get it in the summer from the lake.  I usually deep fry it, so I'm going to have to learn how to bake more often.  And more in moderation.  We usually eat what we catch right away, even when we catch the limit.  And this is a lot.  I suppose I could freeze some, but the law don't let you freeze too much.  If you have a freezer of fish, you could get into trouble.  Around here the law is strict on wildlife and that we don't abuse it, and sometimes I think they are more vigilant about that than they are about other things.

Our bodies make cholesterol too.  So that has to be taken in consideration because of my bad nerves.  But I think I've done a lot of work to get better.  Just this past week I've done considerable work on it.  I was well over my bad cold so I went to church on Sunday.  There is still a little residue from the cold, so I had to blow my nose.  I didn't think much of it.  I blew my nose a little, and it sounded like an elephant clearing its trunk.  Of course these things happen to me, I feel like I have been living under some kind of curse, so I kind of wondered why I didn't go to the bathroom to blow my nose, why did I have to do it right there.  But I lived to tell the tale.

After church I checked the food for the food bank and I noticed that a lot of food was collected by the church.  There was probably about $800 worth.  I usually take the food home with me and bring it to the food bank meeting, but this time I had to find someone who had keys, I wasn't going to bring this home.

As I left the church, the truck spun its wheels and there was snow thrown about the place and people were watching.  It looked like I did this on purpose, I hate that.  It looked like I was doing a Dukes of Hazzard Boys.  They were probably expecting me to fly over the embankment.  I don't spin wheelies but it looked like I was doing this on purpose.

I survived.  Next I had to think of who to go to that had keys.  I only knew where one lived.  Almost, not exactly. I kinda knew of where she lived, I thought I could find her.  I did find her.  It was cool because I used to do that in another time, when mother was not in my life.  I used to live making mistakes, and it was ok.  All this constant "being careful" was a problem for me.  So I decided to incorporate a little of the "old me".

So it was ok, I found her.  We went to the food bank and dropped off the food.  She is a nervous person.  I noticed how her speech tells this, and the way we talked to eachother, well we are the same in that regards.  As I was leaving the food bank I saw her walking back so I stopped and asked if anything was wrong.  She said that she just wanted to check if she locked the doors.  I thought to myself, "of course."  Exactly what I would do.  I don't know why this kind of behaviour bugs people. I find her a very good person, and I don't know why some would target someone like that.  I don't know about her life, and perhaps life took her here, and she does the best she can.

Watching her, I noticed a lot of me.  People think we are untrustworthy.  People might think its stupid to give her keys and she has too much responsibility that she can't be trusted for.  But I know she is the most trustworthy.  She might have walked back to the food bank again to check the lock again, she would never have left those doors unlocked.  She is always there to do things, and me knocking on her door on a Sunday was not expected.  She went out of her way to help.  She did not make me go home with the food.  That is what we are like.

So, with gas running out of the truck, I got the gas, with no anxiety over that.  I used to have to go around with a full tank, and with poverty being my main issue at the time, this made everything very difficult.  So I did a "So What?"   Then I proceeded to go on.  Just pushed through every single instance of pain, and I didn't die from it.

And even yesterday, going to the doctor's presented challenges.  I had my 3 year old grandbaby with me, and I couldn't find parking till the last minute, it was pouring rain, and I had a sickening feeling I would miss my appointment because of it.  I eventually found parking by waiting and driving around town.  This is not easy when you have a three year old who has to go pee.  I should be in a movie, its terrible.

And, if that wasn't enough, I had a hard time to get out of town for they had closed the exits because of several accidents.  There was only one exit, and I had to try to find out which one it was.  The radio did not give the details.  It took me a long time to find it.

I survived.  But if I knew what the day was going to be like, I don't think I would have wished myself out of bed that morning.  I don't think things would be so rough if it weren't for mother.  I think I would have been more accepting of myself.

Mother had high cholesterol too, and she used to eat everything that was considered good and healthy, and still her cholesterol went up.  It was weird.  I think it may have been her awful demeanor.  She was always on the look out for narc supply, and this probably caused a lot of stress. They can't live without it.  I suppose her doctor should have told her about that.  Narcs get away with too much and then they eat to keep healthy.  Doctor's don't help narcs much, do they?  She could have eaten only vegetables, but the constant need for supply kept her cholesterol high.  I'm sure of it.

Well, my doctor is a vegetarian, and I was wondering how someone lives like that.  She never has anything greasy either.  Then of course, I embarrassed myself asking her about pork, with her being east Indian, and this is probably a conversation she didn't want to have.  They don't eat pigs, and I felt just awful for asking her of it afterwards.  Just awful.  Awful is how I feel a lot.  But, she just smiled and she actually didn't smack me, so its ok.

So I basically have to take better care of myself, and I'm hoping my clumsy attempts at life don't cause my downfall.  I think if I'm just more accepting of them and of me, I will be fine.  And eating better and exercising will help me too.  I have the words of Henry Howard, the recipe of the quiet mind.