Refresher of Anna V.

I have a feeling this will be my most vulnerable post ever.  At least that is what I'm feeling right now. I had to think of that before typing anything else, to get that off my shoulders.

Well, I've been on this journey of discovery, and when I first started, I made it a point to read some of Anna V at least a couple of times a week.  That tapered off to nothing and just last night I started to read it again.  I have to tell you it was like it was all brand new to me.

I love how she can use bible scripture to make her points and does it so well, and never comes across as preachy to anyone.  Just the bare bones scripture, and for me this is the catalyst in growing in leaps and bounds.  I feel sad, I go there.  I feel angry, I go there.  Even when I feel confused.  And confused is a lot that I feel so much.  And I got to tell you these sneaky little buggers of the Cluster B will get you all confused if you let them.

I found out a woman I once knew is part of our quilting guild.  Not in my town, but in another, but we sometimes will all get together, at least once a year.  Now, this woman I once knew I used to work with in another time.  I can't call her the direct bully, I can't even call her an MN, but she was part and parcel of a plot set out by head narc of the group, and she played along.

Long story.  but I think you get the gist of it.  She was not someone who sticks up for anyone, just plays along.  Now I don't mind that, I don't expect anyone to stand up for me actually, but to stir the pot?  This I do mind.

She basically sat me down one day and told me that I need to learn to get along with people that I have a hard time with people skills and that basically I was stupid.  Even though I was the one that was bullied and I was perfectly content to mind my own business, but I get pulled into things and get bullied.  But somehow this is all my fault.  I've seen people, real people, not get up and not play with the narc agenda, I've seen it.  I know it is possible.

I saw this woman is with the guild and this part bugs me.  I know she likes to be perceived as this great and wonderful, sweet, caring, giving, understanding etc, etc, adnauseum.  I don't think she was a predator.  I'm sure she can be utmostly sweet at a tea party too.   Hey, whatever fits the situation, and this is the most inauthentic person I know.

Despite all of that, I went to read some of Anna V.  I happened to read that even these types people are dangerous for in the bible it says that those who don't love truth are dangerous.  They are the antithesis of truth, they are lies.  Lies pure and simple, and that is dangerous.

How come I know so much?  In my heart I know that this woman will throw you to the wolves, given a chance or sit and dine with you and discuss flower arranging patterns in a little sun bonnet too.

She hasn't even seen me at the guild yet, but I know she is with the other group, and sooner or later we will cross paths.  I know I am more angry with her than anyone of PD that I meet now. Nowadays, new narcs no problem.  One from my past is a different story.  And Anna says that narc supporters are no different than their narc counterparts, no less dangerous that is.

What will I say when I meet her?  Not sure, but I know what she will say.  She will be nice to me and act like we were friends in another life, and try to proceed with the nice protocol.  lol.  I'm sure of it.

Even those people who come online and say they are ACON's child abuse survivors.  Then they claim to be diagnosed with the dreaded Cluster B disorder.  Hey, I know they can write good and talk a good game and everything.  But when push comes to shove they are on the defense of the narcissist. I won't mention names, but I seen an ACON get ganged up on by them to defend his royal highness the head narc Sam Vakness.  I've seen it.  I read it and I was in shock.  I was too much in a fog at the time to see clearly what what going but now I know.  Reading some of Anna really helped me.  And she also helped me realize too that almost every narc has tales of woe.  That is child abuse.  Be careful.  Love you Anna Valerious, hope you don't mind me sharing some of what I learned from you, it was all like fresh stuff last night.

Kinda, well, I just had some thoughts on my heart today.  And I just feel very refreshed and renewed.

One of the new narcs I know, and I mean new as in my post awakening, that I pegged as being a narc right away.  For months.  Then just the other day, I got into a bit of a misunderstanding with one of the ladies.  I felt lost when I went to get the presses to hold down my quilt.  She moved them, and I'm afraid my voice got a little testy as to where they were.  Madam narc picked up on this.  Time for an attack.  Well, after awhile, it all seemed rather silly and some time later the narc asked, "I wonder if Joan is still mad at you."  This was about a half an hour after the scuffle, and we had already retreated into being friendly again.  Mmmm.

So yeah, ha ha.  Another one.  Well, that freaky SIL left a message in hubby's email.  This is what, barely into March and she wanted to know what HE was going to do, for THEY  were taking their holidays in August.  For this, I have my wonderful lady who leads my relationship site, but, I'm sick. Everything will have to be counter intuitive.  I will have to embrace my pain and authentically admit I'm jealous even to him if necessary, but at least admit it myself.  I am not to let him go there alone anymore, I have to use jealousy in a way that is productive.  That is, take things in hand and go there and own the situation.  That she is not in charge here.  I have to grow a spine.   So I will have to breathe through that one.  Wah, I'm not meant for this.

Its hard for me, not that I'm a wimp, but I have a lot of shit to deal with, with my own issues.  I'm afraid.  What if I take it too far?  That can happens sometimes, but its only because of jangled nerves. I'm misundertood all the time, so what difference does it make now?  Rule number one of social skills, YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES.

It doesn't help much when I am born with a hypermobile body that can't even point straight at something and can sit like a twist tie.  This all feels so vulnerable.  I can't explain it.  Just does.  But I was always faced with someone wanting to beat me up, and that is something.

So what I wanted to talk about was this stuff all this stuff.  Am I making sense.  I just had to pour out so quickly what it was I was feeling.  When I go back and try to edit it will remove the intensity of my feelings.  Thank you for your patience.