It has been in the minus 30 degrees Celcius for over a month and I have just about had it. So cold exposed skin is in danger. So cold don't even want to venture outside of the house. Can't walk anywhere, vehicle takes forever to warm up, plus we are buried in snow.
This weekend the time changed. It has been warming up a bit steadily, I am looking forward to springtime, and summer and fishing on the boat. It seems to a lot of people that my life might be a bit boring. I quilt, I sew, I volunteer, I go to church, see the kids, and I'm really, really happy these days, more happy than I've ever been in my life. Why does it feel like there is something wrong with me? Where is this feeling coming from?
So when will I be enough in this world? Do I look for things to do that will make me feel more accepted? Where does this voice in my head come from? I'm not enough? Something I do will make me enough? Can't I just be, instead of do?
Just Sunday morning I got approached at church by what I think might be an elder. She asked me if I could show her my quilt when I'm done working on it. I can't help but feel paranoid. I get the feeling that people see me as different. Well, I am different. Otherwise a very intelligent person. But I'm not like everyone else. I have certain things that become very apparent after awhile, and it is noticeable. I have some friends, that may be just accepting this of me.
I see normal family dynamics, and it is a strange world to me. The father-in-law has cancer. See, it is hard for me to call him my father in law, because I'm used to weirdness in the family. But yeah, he is sick and the family is reaching out and helping. I feel at odds. Out of place. I'm waiting for something horrible to be said, to screw up this normalcy. Not that I'm calling cancer normal, but gee in my FOO the least that could happen to you was a finger stuck down your throat while your yawning, the worst well, you know.
But as far as this church lady goes, it feels like she is judging me. She wants to see my quilt, so the quilt validates me? But I'm not going to let a normal person judge me. Let her get raised by an evil monster of a mother and see if she is not dead by now. Ok, I tend to vent a little bit here, now and again. I was raised by that evil monster and its like I have to now act normal. There is nothing really wrong with me. I might be strange and fearful but its not the end, I still have a while to go.
A few months ago, I went to her house for a luncheon she had invited me to. It was just her and I and her husband. My husband works shift work so it was just me. Well, I helped her prep the lunch, we sat and had a nice lunch, a small chat and then her husband very abruptly said, "Well, its been nice talking to you Joan, goodbye and led me to the door."
I don't mind that, well yeah I did. It felt just bad, and I'm still not sure if overstayed my welcome, but I wasn't there very long. Just 10 minutes after finishing eating. Then he shooed me out the door. I don't want to meet with them anymore. There have been lots of time she asked me to call her or drop in to see her or she come to see me, but I kinda blow her off. She is sweet and kind and I did feel uncomfortable by that episode. Right now, given our weather condition it is hard for anyone to come see me without a four wheel drive with studs on the tires. So I have an excuse. But she approached me this last Sunday to show off my quilt.
What does she think I do with myself? Does she think I sit at home and drink? Does she need proof I'm an ok person? What does she want? I don't drink, I don't party. I never liked that kind of lifestyle. I sometimes thought that my reclusiveness is due to my upbringing, that I try to hide, but I actually do like to socialize. That is socialize on my terms and for limited times. Sometimes its hard to understand someone like me.
If you walked in here right now, I'd be concerned about the dishes in the sink, and why I live so far out in the bush. But this is a lifestyle. Its glorious, I love it, even though it was MN mother that chased me out of the city to go live out here.
But when this church lady and I talk, I tend to be less authentic. Its because I feel judged. Like I'm doing something wrong, I'm tainted, damaged goods. Like I have to be all perfect. But I know that when people talk to me I'm a different sort of person. I hate how child abuse is never taken seriously in the world. I would like to say I'm an ACON and just believe that would explain everything, but no one knows what that means. I remember feeling unsafe and unsure of myself all my life.
I would like to think I'm normal. I enjoy life, I enjoy myself. If someone looks at me strangely, it feels like they know. They pity me for such critically low self esteem. But it feels like judgement. Mama's spoiled little baby, how come you have PTSD? Mama loved you so much, how come your a nervous wreck. Why do I feel like I have something to hide all the time?
Just last week I was driving back home and it was dark outside. I swear I could see a dark hand reach over at me. I had to stop the truck and look in the back. Sigh, I should be used to it, this happens to me all the time. There are no drugs, no treatment in sight. Doctors, therapists are dumbfounded in this situation.
I just want to be seen as normal, because I really am. I have some scars, but I can't be defined by that anymore. But what do you do when you feel like you are always keeping secrets about yourself? But your not? You feel guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty about? You feel tainted, like damaged goods?
Welcome to the club my dear. I swear I really think the narcs can be blamed for all our shortcomings in life. money schooling etc. I get tired of people who had it all laid out on a silver platter telling me to buck up and put one foot in front of the other and if we had of we could have been president of the USA. People that went to any college they could dream of etc. We were lucky if we finished a school year at the same school we started. And when we started the new school we were lucky if a mother slowed down long enough to get out of the vehicle and not get run down by her. This sounds crazy but my sister got sent to her first day in first grade alone. And when the office staff sent her home and told her she had to have her mother register her since at this point they had no records of her anywhere and they at least needed a birth certificate she punished my sister for being difficult. How do normal people relate to such non existent parenting. People who had parents the at least helped them get going not punishing their kid because the parents were too lazy to give them something normal to start with.
ReplyDeleteI feel badly for your sister. That is terrible punishing her for that. Its no wonder we feel guilty all the time. For nothing. I feel accused just by someone asking to see my quilt. Um, its going to take months to do it, I'll be working on it, I'm not doing anything bad. Sigh, I feel that way all the time.
ReplyDeleteSince my mother was engulfing I have not experienced the same as your sister, but its funny how our outcomes are the same.
If someone is judging me I feel horrible, but since my awakening it makes me angry how these normal people can look at us this way. I blame the mental health community, the child protection office, the most useless organizations for an ACON in my opinion.
I don't fit in with "the normal" and gave up years ago. I suppose a 500lb Aspie, Lipedemic Woman, definitely is not normal, then add in the abuse on top. I have to find kind people who are not brainwashed by society to be superficial or fellow Aspies most of the time to find friends. I did feel judged a lot of my life. I am spending time now, deciding not to care. I don't owe the judges anything. I'm old and tired and they can kiss my butt. :p
DeleteAwesome, I'm truly working on that. That brainwashing effect, when someone asks me a question, or just tells me something, I'm just ready to tell them everything and do everything they say. I think I'll watch "Ella Enchanted" again. That movie reflects my life.
DeleteI should check that movie. When one is not allowed to have boundaries, that is what sets up that behavior. Be mindful of it, but don't blame yourself.
DeleteI mean how are we supposed to turn out normal and feel good about ourselves when our parents hated us and punished us for our existence. Last time I checked they gave birth to me. If I could change that I would. But I can't I hope my mother is roasting on a spit in hell. It would be a better end than what she gave us.
ReplyDeleteI believe your mother is in hell and mine will join her there one day. I have no hope of any repentance among the seared. I wonder how I was supposed to turn out normal crawling battered and bruised out of Crazyland.
DeleteOn "Show time" right now they are showing a documentary on a photographer named Vivian Meyer. She was an excellent photographer but F'ing crazy. She lived and made ends meet by hiring out as a nanny. This woman had no business taking care of children. One of the kids who is now grown talked about her leaving them in some pretty bad parts of town and having the police out looking for them and how they would get scolded by the police and told you just can't run away from the nanny etc. Now she says it wasn't us running away from her, my nanny ran off and left us. It makes me think about how kids were viewed in those days. That all the "nanny" had to do was step back and let the cops jump to their own conclusions and it would always be the kid in trouble and not the "nanny"
ReplyDeleteThats how I always feel, like I'm always in trouble.
DeleteYep, you hit the nail on the head with that one. Our parents hated us. Life is going to be torture for us no matter what. If someone just taps me on the shoulder it is enough to send me through the roof. It takes a hell of a lot of work to sustain some kind of happiness and normalcy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that hell is too good for them too.
Sorry you faced all that Joan. I feel the fear, the questioning about relationships. I am trying to train myself not to worry about what others think but it is hard, and you always worry you will be blindsided. this was the training of the narcs, the smack on the face or the "punishment' for having the wrong look on your face or saying the wrong thing. I get startled like mad if someone taps me on the shoulder. Degenerate parents, feel for your sister too Q. Lately I am angry wondering why I was not allowed to stay and live with the "Aunt that Loved me" when I did ASK and why I wasn't given up. Since they hated me so much why not solve the problem and give me up?
DeleteI remember that post you made, it was because your mother was jealous of your relationship with your aunt. For me, my mother treated me like I was a possession she could do whatever she wanted with.
DeleteI know logically that I can't worry about what others think. But its hard to get that feeling down into my actual emotions and set it in to some kind of hard wiring that I can just depend on. So I think I have to work on just feeling all my emotions and see where they are right now. I see now where I had the most dangerous of relationships, because behaviour like that only attracts more narcs, I'm a feeding frenzy for them. A very easy target.
I'm in that position too, I am working trying to put in the hard wiring as well. Im taking it day by day. yes one can be vulnerable to narcs. I know illness in a way is serving as a barrier for me from narcs. I don't have much of anything to give people, not even time anymore as I have to spend hours on medical things and resting. So it's doubtful any narcs will see me as "useful" but I have to be wary. I have kind friends now which makes life a lot easier and enjoyable.
DeleteMy mother ACTIVELY destroyed any relationship where a person tried to show me any love or care. I sit with those results today. I found out stuff, I can't write about here, where she even drove Aunt Confused away too. I wasn't as close to her, but Mrs. Narc got what she wanted which is driving Aunt Confused out of town. I consider running away when I was as young as 10. I wish I had been more of a brave child. I should have gone to a new town and forgot my freaking name.
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