Lately, it has been feeling horrible. Everything. I think it started a few weeks ago by meeting up with my aunt. Turned away from the family for being wide awake to things feels horrible. Turned away from the credit system that was mentioned in an article from Peep's blog. I can't even use the camera to take pictures, it has important stuff on there from hubby's work and I can't use it right now.
So I just sit here and my sewing projects are piling up and all I want to do is watch repeats of old horror movies. And highjacking blogs. But I have to finish a quilted tablecloth I promised to my oldest daughter. I started that six months ago, and now I told her I'm going to give it to her and thus I have to finish it.
I just had to promise it to her. I know she is not feeling too well right now. She had to go in to see a specialist for joint pain, and now we have learned, it will last for the rest of her life. We are hypermobiles. A rather rare genetic anomaly where the joints have a lot more mobility. We are the contortionists of the world. We also have loose collagen in the skin. Right now I'm sitting at the computer desk on a chair with my legs crossed over eachother in a way most won't want to even try. I can't even point at anything, my fingers won't go straight. My three children and I all have it. We are fine. Except my oldest, well, there are problems for her with it. Medications for the rest of her life. To live with the pain.
So I promised this tablecloth as a small consolation for the genetic defect. Sad isn't it? That she alone has to suffer with it. I wish it weren't so. She already has a child with autism, she is a single mother, and now this. Oh, and she wants to get a PhD. in Physics. I know I can't work for a living, and I raised her. I'm praying steadily she has nothing missing, that she has not suffered any of the psychological effects of having been raised by me.
My son, my middle child is doing well. He'll be flipping houses this summer. And doing construction work. And my youngest daughter is causing misery in her stepsisters life, by making her feel like her dad (my hubby) loves her more. But she was diagnosed with narcissism, my youngest. Her father is a narcissist. I signed up on facebook just to keep a closer eye on the kids' everyday life. But I hate facebook, they want me to play the games there, like candyland. Even people I knew from years ago are trying to friend me and all I want is an easy passage to the kids.
But my youngest seems to be doing well. She has the baby boy, and he is doing very well. She is keeping up with his medical so I believe it is all good. But we only can take it one day at a time.
Her dad is back in bed, sick again. Well, if you read my previous postings I wrote about him. He is not sick.
I totally despise mother. This is all her fault. And I wish my aunt never tried to make me feel sorry for her. My aunt also, on that day we spoke, told me she was a breast cancer survivor. I already knew that. She said she is very proud of it. I can't tell you how cold I felt when she told me that. I really don't care. I don't. Lately I felt a coldness. My daughter is anxiously awaiting this tablecloth and here I am typing. But that I care about. But lately, I need to chat and blog.
I am writing a wonderful article about dating and relationships for the ACON and that I even put off. This evening I made some homemade chocolate chip cookies and ate 6 of them. Soon, I hope to be sitting in a bubblebath, then check the woodstove and go to bed. I am alone tonight, hubby is at work, and lately his job is been hard on the both of us. His presence is a little quiet, I know he is angry at his employees, he has a new crew.
So there has not been a lot going on that's good. But life is what it is, and so usually I either feel like bad news is coming, or I'm feeling guilty all the time, or I'm just down for no reason. And really there is no reason for me to feel this way. My daughter is being treated for her symptoms so it should be alright.
Yesterday an old friend of my hubby's came over for a short visit with his new girlfriend. She is a supervisor of a large company. That's all I know. Nothing else was said about her and the rest of the visit she was dead silent. I don't know if she has children, what her hobbies are, who are her friends. Nothing. You could hit her on the head and still this thing was like a robot. No life. She was boring. But I guess with no career I am the loser here. Not that anyone said that, but I felt that.
So this guy dates her because she is a supervisor? No. He probably dates her because she makes a lot of money. That's all. Truthfully, if I was her, I would have dumped his sorry ass for making her a drone. A simple money making machine. That's all that seemed to matter to him.
I think I hate all of hubby's friends. They are all narcissists. None of the women here show emotions or paints their nails or wears a dress. They drink beer out of a bottle. They smoke anything. Cigars, cigarettes. They belch. And they all act superior to me for their masculine abilities.
And its not like anyone here is very smart. The older baby boomers, travel around the world on a whim on a grade 5 education. Even hubby believes anyone can make it in the world if they just try. He never questions me about anything. I know I chose to be a stay at home wife, but what other choice do I have? I tried to make it in the world, but its like I can't be a part of the world. Just like The Little Mermaid song, "A part of the world." I can't be a part of the world.
But I like this lifestyle and probably would have chosen it regardless of being personally successful or not. I would have chose to stay at home. But it still bugs me that I never made it out there in the world.
Your next to last paragraph reminds me of a thought I have all the time. I can't say I would have become the president or any other kind of mover or shaker if I had a more normal upbringing. But I don't think anybody could go through what we all did and retain enough sanity to have a snowballs chance in hell of being any real success.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Q, we aren't brought up to fail at the game. I know I was. The workworld was a hellhole for me. Many of the successful ones today adopt narcissistic traits if they are not out and out narcissists to move up the ladder. One reason I can't stand feminism is it is all about women having almighty careers, it's for rich women, cleaning toilets, chopping salad and mopping floors is not empowering. The careerist baby boomer women are the worse, they look down on me. They actually made real money at their jobs, while Gen X and millennials got shafted. All the 60 plus somethings make at least lower middle class wages at the newspaper while my husband scrounges for 40 bucks an article. My mother and father had major connections to get me a decent job if they had felt like it. Sister Feminist in 1994, was one of the heads of a state department of education. One phone call and I could have had a middle class teaching job, instead I had to move to Chicago and work with the violent kids because no one else would hire me. I wrote her even asking for help but was ignored. One thing family will sabotage many people. Any of you watch "Better Call Saul?" I plan to post on the latest show where the rich but troubled lawyer brother denies him a decent job at his firm out of jealousy and wanting his brother to fail.
DeleteOh gee, I remember chopping salad, cleaning toilets, mopping floors, telling myself, "I'm going to get there, someday I'm going to make lots of money at a good job". I flopped at that job too. Too much anxiety, if a customer brought back a burger, for sure it was my fault. Its horrible your parents never helped out the situation for you. Its all about connections, and they had them and didn't help. Oh, can't explain my feelings about that enough. And the heck with Sister Feminist, she was a fake.
DeleteSister Feminist betrayed me for my mother too. I told her I was abused as a child too by my parents and she did absolutely nothing. She was another betraying bystander. It sickens me that she heads a state wide department that deals with children. II worked 3 and 4 jobs. My art teacher job was 30 hours a week so I had to supplement that income but was laid off when the grant ended. It seemed I had to scrounge and work crazy hours just go get food and keep a car running while the narcs all kicked back at their easy 9-5 jobs. Of course I was abused for not making enough money and told I was a loser. I too had the false dreams, I didn't expect to be rich, just wanted a small house a little money for vacations, but got denied it all. Sometimes I barely can stand being as poor as I am. I tell my husband why pay these bills, we are simply just being crushed. Yes they had massive connections and even hid where a cousin lived because of connections. My mother's friendship circles were very tight ones [social media can be quite the revealer] where high school and govt job people intermingled. Let's just say she never had to worry about being alone in this world like I did. Sister Feminist was a fake, I think she is wicked too. She is not a Christian. She was a Vestal Virgin for Rome that made good.
DeleteThanks Q. You know I do blame myself for that. It feels like I should have made it, made all my decisions in life. I suppose we all feel that way with our upbringing it is just the way it is. Acceptance is really very hard. Maybe I'm just too darn proud. I think you would have made a great president.
ReplyDeleteIt also brings to mind a story I remember from the blur of my youth. It was about how Benjamin Franklin spent his first day in Philadelphia alone and with just enough change to buy two loaves of bread. One he stashed in his pocket. One he nibbled as he walked the streets. The lesson behind it was to look at his humble beginnings and what he made out of himself over the years. To me that's as relevant as saying his parents threw him out of a plane and he fashioned the bread into a makeshift parachute like some revolutionary era Macgyver.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that was written later after Horatio Alger came around. You know all the bootstraps crap they love to shove down our throats. It reminds me of the book they published about the guy trading up from a paper clip to get a house. Total nonsense.
DeleteYeah, no kidding. But that is what those expectations are though. We are supposed to have come out of this so amazing and so powerful. Conquering the world. That is a fairytale. Coming down to reality, it is not the way it is.
ReplyDeleteI also think some of it is the tenacity these people show when they are unraveling their kids. Mine never stopped. You know my story and how my mother basically "took it with her." It wouldn't surprise me if she tried to get a hearse with a luggage rack.
ReplyDeleteMine never stopped either. Either she was telling me I was going to be rich and famous or she was feeding off me for narcissistic supply. Your mother was just plain horrible. She made sure she was going to leave you without the family property. Give it to your ex. But if she could have taken it all with her she probably would have.
ReplyDeleteI think that they have need to pile on this grief on us for a reason. And that reason is to see the suffering. I can't make it in this world and that will be pain I will have to live with for the rest of my life, preventing me from even enjoying what I have now. Even though I have much less problems than my brain is telling me.
Take that woman in my article. Her new boyfriend flaunting her around as a big money making machine. We never see him until he has this woman who is a supervisor at a large company. I wanted to tell her, "Honey, he doesn't see you, he only sees what you do." And for surely, I have more than she has. Maybe her job is keeping her from finding love, I don't know. I could have helped her with that.
And by our awakening, this tremendous gift that we have, this is worth more than gold. Not that I'm using positive thinking here, but maybe I'm just looking at it all wrong. Maybe this was mother's goal all along -preventing me from having any happiness.
Did you see my milquetoast article? Around here rich women seem to have these dirt poor boyfriends. They work 6 figure corporate jobs and won't even get them in the mailroom. Some call them their househusbands. That woman reminds me of the ones around here. She doesn't care that he is a bum. She probably even likes having an unemployed man for a mate. She can boss him around and she wears the pants in the family. I know one guy totally beaten down by this 6 figures earning feminist brass you know whats. She could snap her fingers and get him a 35,000 job per year at her office tomorrow but she prefers to keep him desperate and with no independence. This makes sure her power is kept intact. My mother would have sabotaged any real money making with everything she had, because this means her power would have been destroyed.
DeleteEvery child in my family failed careerwise, my sister never made more then 6 bucks an hour, my brother sells "candy" from a van with teenagers. I couldn't make it in the world either.
The narcs want us poor and suffering. Mine fed off my poverty and enjoyed every minute just like they fed like vultures on Aunt Scapegoat. I hope I do not see the day where my sister inherits all the money. She's already had such an easy run in her life, I suppose some do from selling their soul to Satan.
Both my brothers didn't make enough money for a family. Their wives had to work too. Or they wouldn't have made it. It seems like that's the way it is for us. And my MN sister in law makes it to be the boss at every job she had.
DeleteFeminism ruined family life. Men make far less money and it got worse generation by generation. Now women are forced to work double shifts.
DeleteFeminism ruined so much. We were to be like big tough men. Everyone of us. I never got to make the choices I wanted to, and by the "rules" of feminism I should have been able to. There was always pushing and bossing me around. I was never like the others, and during the "70's I felt out of place.
DeleteI was reading on a blog about disinherited kids and some one said being cut out of her parents will was an honor because it means she didn't sit still and let her mother bulldoze her over .....That she fought back.
ReplyDeleteI could handle my own being cut from the will if I wasn't so poor. Some of my depression is acute from the increasing poverty. The lack of a functional adult life preys on me like a wolf chewing on my arm and I imagine the narcs all laughing at me if they saw me going to the soup kitchen or boiling cabbage for dinner. I put off going no contact for years, fearing the awaiting poverty and cutting off my only chance for any stability. Of course God convicted me not to sell my soul and I was more and more sure I was cut out anyway. Kneeling before the queen made me nauseous. Being disinherited for those of us in the poverty mill can be life destruction, I knew the choice I was making. Some thought I was crazy but dignity and self respect counted for far more in my book, even if I die in the streets or a homeless shelter.
DeleteIts very hard to be in that position Peep. I know there are lots of bible scripture about it. We basically can't sell ourselves, or it will take us down too. Still it is a great challenge. Poverty is a daily grind, trying to get by. My mother would love to see me at a soup kitchen, in the streets, in a homeless shelter, she basically told me so. And if you mother were to give you anything it would come with strings attached.
DeleteYou are doing the best you can with what you've been given.
I feel like the shame of it all will kill me. Yes the Bible does address poverty, and even speaks of the wicked prospering. One also loses hope after endless years of it. When my husband lost his jobs in our old town, I don't think I ever have recovered. There just seems to be no end of it, and the scary health problems make it terrible.
DeleteI don't understand why God is allowing this to happen to us, I already have suffered enough. I probably will go to church and pray tonight. I know your mother is like my own and would love to see you too at a soup kitchen and homeless shelter. I remember when my SIL was relegated to the homeless shelter--I found out about it later before she divorced my brother. Yes we are trying our best but very tired. It gets scary when you are realizing you can't afford food at normal grocery stores, if not for the Mexican store, we'd be going without food already. Thanks for saying we are doing our best.
That's good news. I was cut out of my father's, and supposedly will be out of mother's. And it is an honor. The fact they didn't love us was supposed to be lost on us. We were supposed to appreciate and accept their evil and we didn't. Yay.
ReplyDeleteI know Luke 17:3 Ministries seems to mention the existence of poor narcs but to me that is like finding a unicorn in the woods to me, narc and rich go hand in hand. Narcs have wills to punish people with and fancy suburban houses that could be in magazines.
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