The Challege of Being Enough

I know its been a long time since I've posted anything, and its like I get caught up in things that are very difficult for me to navigate.  I should blog, but the reading of that won't be so pleasant, I want to bring value.  I've been feeling this and that, and a big argument with my oldest daughter caused her to block me on facebook.  We don't agree on things, we never did, she never respected me and even now, she tells me that I was a non-existent parent and still am.  She said she had to learn many things on her own when she was growing up, and it was like I wasn't there.  But now, she seems to always want me to help, and I of course have my limitations.  As I try to work through my limitations, life doesn't allow me time to process, and then things get screwed up.  Things happen too fast and I'm left trying to figure things out.

One thing I did was open my bible and started reading and started praying, then some kind of revelation came over me, and I am now ready to write and share.  Please, whatever you do, make whatever limitations you do have, make it all ok.  Even if you are struggling trying to choose what cereal to buy, just go to another part of the store and do all the easy shopping, and when you are ready go make the ones that require choice.  Give yourself that peace of knowing that when you are picking out the simpler items, that when you get to the cereal boxes, you'll be alright in doing so.

So, no matter what limitations, just make it all ok.  When you judge yourself, you have all this calamity to deal with.  I mean, it just doesn't go anywhere.  Self-care becomes difficult.  Getting out of bed becomes difficult, and I even let the woodstove go out a couple of times this week.  I was not attentive, it was like I was stuck in the past, to the way it was.  And as ACON's we need our attentiveness, even to battle the human predators out there.  Its like this fog comes over, and we become helpless to stop it.

All my children are able to hold down employment, and this is something I am very proud of.  So I give them kudos, and to my oldest daughter, well, she thinks I live a very perfect and privileged life. But such is not the case.  I have very serious issues, with my relationship even.  Its like I'm still not used to him.  He has lived a different kind of life from me.  I'm scared if he finds out too much.  But still vulnerability is a cornerstone in relationships, I know that.  It takes a lot of work for me, and I struggle and I struggle.  Be mad at me if you want, this is not something I choose, this is something that happened regardless.  But, my children don't live like this, they don't have the deep pain.

Our marital issues are not related to a serious issue as one might imagine.  It is a deep core issue. If you've been reading here, you know what I mean.  I get through this daily, one day at a time.  A relationship with someone of the opposite sex is tough even at its best times, with the most stable people, marriage is at a 50% success rate.  That doesn't scare me.  I know what I have to do.  But lots of what I have to do is going through fear, and other tough battles I have to go through.  My mind is a very dangerous thing, so I tend to try to go by my emotions, no matter what.

My oldest daughter has bought some furniture on time.  This I cautioned her against, something might happen.  Things are starting to happen now, and I'm afraid she might not be able to pay for it. She is asking for money to pay for the other bills, like the phone bill, so I know what is going on. She doesn't make a lot of money, not minimum wage, but an ok money.  She has a job where she has regular hours, but can work anytime she wants to.  She can make extra money when needed.  She has split custody of the kids with her ex.  I think she can be ok, she can hold down a job, and she can make a good life, and the ex is a good father.  But she does these crazy things, so I got scared for her.

She need not ever see poverty, but she seems to be making it happen by needing to have to keep up with the Joneses, and making things very difficult.  I know she needs to grow on her own, but then I get dragged into it, with her needing me, for money, whatever.  Anyway, I can't talk about that anymore.  Long story short she is not talking to me.   Just something I have to pray through.

My youngest daughter is having a relationship issue.  That I can handle.  I got a handle on that stuff. She just needs to be more expressive with him, and not hold everything in.

Another problem with my youngest's boyfriend.

Well, he bought some car tires from a friend and the tires didn't fit the car.  I asked him if he checked to see if they would fit, and he said, "No, I trusted my friend who was supposed to do it for me."   The tires set him back $400.  And his friend won't give him back the money, for his friend insists the tires fit.

Well, I don't have to tell an ACON what this is all about.  I told him a little.  I am very open with the kids, however, there are some things I can't tell.  After a while, he said that he needed counselling.  I don't doubt that.  Perhaps he does.  However, I do have my own experience with it.  When my daughter first got involved with him, I found out he was an abused child with lots of physical abuse, who left home at  14 and almost starved on the streets.  Since then he has built up his life, got working, and is a very stable young man at 25.

I went to many counsellors, some good, some useless.  I had to give up caffeine, stop this, stop that. Try walking very slow, doing things in slow motion sometimes.   All of which I did of course, I wanted to get better.  One problem remained.  Why did I exist as a nervous wreck?  So after absorbing the ton of information on the internet about narcissistic parents, I realized that someone can read all this stuff, and yeah, experience it even, but in the end it may not make no never mind, and its not like they don't care, its just that they don't get how this may apply to them.

I used to think that people bullied me.  I thought I was the target of bullies.  "Its just your imagination".  "Why do you think everyone is out to get you?  No one is out to get you."  Hmm, wow, and when you read how we are targets and became lifelong targets, you start to see the truth. This whole world is going crazy, and I can see it.

He's a good guy who believes his friend would never take advantage of him.  "Oh, he only needed money and that is why he did it."  Oh, so this is why he scammed you?  His so called friend.

I felt the need to describe what a narcissitic person was.  For a long time.  This is not a person.  This is a greedy little beggar who goes looking for ways to milk human kindness.  This is a disgusting creature, bound for the fire, they are not the wheat, they are the chaff.  They will remain the chaff, for they are just gone.  As we Christians, seek to gather the wheat for God's harvest, the chaff will be not accepted.  It is done.

Some people read that portion of scripture and think that chaff will become wheat someday for God will save them.  No.  Chaff is chaff.  Get over it.  It is done.  They are only here because the good people remain, and God is seeking them out.  He will use destructive means and it will hurt the good people.

Narcissists like money or so it seems.  My mother was never about money, for she never had any. Any money she had she spent it in such a way that made her look good.  I guess you can say that she was all about money for she made poverty give her a high status.  It did.  Most of us, when in poverty, don't look so good, but she did.  Don't ask me how, but she did it.

And narcs who do have money, it is only for the flaunting of it.  But  I swear to you right now, that it is beyond their reach to understand the enjoyment of it.  They enjoy flaunting it.  They enjoy hurting you with it.  There was once this episode on "Little House on the Prairie" when Nellie Olsen somehow trapped Laura Ingalls into her room.  She had dolls, toys, clothes aplenty.  So when Laura left unshaken from the house, Nellie threw her expensive toys all around, destroying them, for they did not give her the "supply" she needed.  I thought that episode was very accurate.  She did not love the toys.  She only wanted them to cause pain to others.  And when this didn't happen she hurled them for they were now useless.

So just by realizing that it is foolish to even think in terms of trying to impress the narcs in the world. It really don't matter to them.  To have something very impressive is ok, but only if you want it.  Not because you feel forced to keep up with this crazy society.  To me, some money in your pocket is much better.  But some people buy and buy and buy, and they live stone cold broke with good money, where they could live well.  Just to impress, I don't know, but all this stuff, to me. is meaningless.

I wonder about narcs.  How does that brain work?  It only needs to feed of the milk of human kindness, of human value.

So when my daughter's boyfriend said his friend meant well, or otherwise had good intentions, I knew for me the gig was up.  His friend could have walked in the door when I was there, and I would have walloped him.  This friend, which I don't know anything about, is shady.  At the very least.  And I know my daughter's boyfriend was targeted.  I wanted to give him a heads up about that, but its hard.  This is not easy stuff we talk about.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink applies here.  But we did have a very long talk about it.

And I get the feeling that this has been happening to the dear boy for a very long time.  It would be cool wouldn't it?  If at 25, we could have had our freedom, the way we do now, to know what we know about narcs back them would have been like gold.  So what do I do?

He says he knows he needs counselling, but is there any counselling for us really?  I've been a pile of nerves.  Even after counselling I knew some stuff.  But, it wasn't enough really.  Something else was going on some truth I needed to know.  I've been in the dark, even rejected the very notion that people have been targeting me.  I mean, how did I come to believe that even?  Simple truth, but its very hard, for no one even believes it.  Its like I had to call the whole world crazy to call myself normal.  I had to have the confidence to get there.

So I gave him some good information.  I sent my daughter this website and asked her to get him to read it.  Its the 12 steps for scapegoats to follow.  Its been a few days, and so far he has not read it. Do I pile on more information?  This is delicate stuff.  Not to be passed around, I have too much respect for it.  I need him to come to the realization on his own.  I know he knows something is terribly wrong with the way his life goes, that is a start.  It feels terrible to say that.  In order for him to get better, he has to realize the cold hard truth.

I know a lot of stuff has been taken off our shoulders, once we are able to process this stuff.  I could have had a therapist even tell me that mother was a narc, and this is the beginning of my sorrows, but would I have believed it?  Who wants to believe that about the parents, who raised us?  Its very hard.  I came to the reality, myself, by researching a relationship site, my go to site, when things go badly in my life.  The woman teaches on everything.  And could have even been an engulfed daughter herself.  She told us that her mother never gave birth to a baby girl, her mother gave birth to a soon to be lawyer.  Who she would make her become a lawyer.  A fiercely independent woman, strong and capable.  She did become a lawyer, only wanting to be a mother and wife, but I digress, this is not my story to tell.

But the incredible insight I got, about authenticity, about our true selves, opened, and paved the way into the truth about my narcissistic mother.  Could I have gotten there any other way?  I knew mother was mean and nasty, but this I believed to be normal, that mother was kind and caring in such a way, that it came out as mean.  She only wanted the best for me.  What a load of shit that was.

Awakening to the truth didn't take a lot of work on my part.  It was and it wasn't.  It was more of a spiritual journey more than anything.  Instead of work, I had to just open.  That is the best way I can describe it.

So now when things get complicated I know I have to take a break and just relax.  Getting back to relaxing might feel wrong, but its the only way I can function.  Even if I have to stumble through life, which is not perfect anyway.  It seems like I'm slower than anyone else.  And I try to hide that, then it just looks bad on me.  My intentions are to try my best, just that it isn't always going to be perceived by others that way.  For their best is always better.  Most people function way better than me, and I don't try to block that, for that would be dangerous.  That way I could start acting out in bad ways, but I just accept myself.  And that way I can bring my highest value self to all the lives I touch.

I used to have nightmares that by not being good enough, then what the heck was I good for?  What was the point of anyone having me around?  They could do better without me.  So this guilt lives with me too.  I started out thinking that all I had to do was make everything ok.  But my oldest child telling me that I was not good enough, really speaks volumes.  I swear I was not a drug addict or a drunk or a partier, but I might as well have been, for someone like that is a lot better than me.  They can function better than me.

Well, I thought I had worked through these emotions before I wrote.  One thing I do know, is I'M ENOUGH will steadily be challenged.  I need to constantly remind myself that I am enough, just the way I am.  What do I have to do to be enough in this world?  We are born enough.