"Watch, watch"

I made a very interesting observation about my self the other day, and I want to share it.  I was having to walk through a wooded area, where tripping was a very distinct possibility, for I trip more than normal people.  I have fallen down a whole lot in my life, and it seems that my mind tends to go blank every now and again.

When I was walking through the woods, I could feel this fear, this panic overwhelm me.  I could hear this voice saying, "Watch, watch, watch."  Of course no one was there saying that, but this I could actually feel.  As much as I resented the voice, it felt like I was going to fall down directly on my face, for I hadn't heeded the wonderful "advice".

But there was something different about that voice.  I tended to hear that voice over and over again through my life, right from my childhood, into my adulthood even, and it was always telling me what to do.

You see, sigh, I having a hard time just going with my emotions here.  I was born believing that I was defunct, screwed up, and mother's parenting was to teach me, to take over, for I was actually born a horrible person.  Now I know we all have a sin nature, something I have as well, but I actually grew up believing there was something that was so horrible about me, its hard to explain.  I was born believing that I was not ever to trust myself.

Now I don't know how this lines up with Christianity.  I get so screwed up there as well.  I have one theory though.  Even though the others are taught to trust God and not themselves, they still have to have a basis in who they are in order to do that.  We come to God as a big nothing, yes, be we still have to have an awareness of who we are, an essence of it.

I know I am not explaining this one very well.  These feelings have no words, I just never felt like I was anything, not even anything worth Jesus dying for, you see what I mean?  I accepted his salvation promise, but am I even worthy of it?  Of course Christianity teaches that we are not worthy, but does it actually teach that we are worms, for I always felt that way, like I was less than a worm. For that worm crawling about has a whole life purpose, a mission, its important to make those holes, to aerate the ground, so plants can grow.  But I had no purpose.

Small fleeting parts of me did exist though.  But I had challenges to overcome that I know now in my awakened state, that no one else had.  It is impossible.  I was given a life that was impossible.  Even facing all this right now, is impossible.  The deep pain, oh why did God give me this?  I still look for the hand of God in all this.  All I know is that he is not overwrought like I am, he gets it all, I do not.

I don't want to have to face this pain.  Why should I?  I almost feel like at times I'm buried alive.  I'm scared of things, I'm scared of life.  I have hateful messages going through my brain.  I am massively angry.  This anger I can't bear at times.  How the hell did I end up here?  No one has felt the way I did.  Not the Jews with the crap they went through, for unless they didn't come from loving families, I would be grateful to exchange places with them.  I know it sounds horrible for me to say this and I risk getting the belt for that one, but that is what I actually feel.  This is not intended to hurt anyone. She stole my identity, my life, and its hard to get through.  For being an engulfed daughter I feel like I am entitled to say what ever I want to.  And even the entitlement I feel awful about.  I take certain liberties because I can, I'm allowed, you have not lived what I lived, you go back to your sweet little mind, you have not lived in a horror story.

I know I am not supposed to believe that I am to face all this alone.  God said that He would always be with me.  But I don't know how he can, he is so Holy, he can't even go near sin, it burns in His presence, and that is what I am, a product of sin.  Even reaching forth and accepting Jesus, and it feels like at times Jesus would turn his back on me.  This is too horrible to comprehend.

I don't know why I got on that God track.  I'm not blaming Him.  I just feel so different, you know, that part of me thinks God is horrified at me, but in another way, I know he is not surprised.  So I struggle with that.

It was strange.  I sat in many therapists offices, and they could not tell me what was wrong.  They would even get to the point where they think I'm normal, and start just talking to me like normal.  I hated that, for I knew then that I wasn't going to get any help.  And the thing that plagued me felt like it was just in my mind.

Struggle, struggle, that's the way to go through life.  Have you ever felt that you just don't want to get out of bed, where you are going to work and you have to struggle again, that everyone bullies you, and they are kind to everyone else.

When I found out about narcissism, it was someone played this huge joke on me.  For sure, I would have been able to lay out come up with a plan of recovery on my own, and I would love to have had to do this at a much younger age.

I am a little curious about narcissism.  Trouble is, there is no proper explanation, it doesn't exist. Hateful, horrible people, some have been my best friends.  I, oh my Gosh, I can't even take this, my whole life I've been conned.  And I lay buried alive, but I'm not supposed to believe that I was buried alive.

So now, getting back to this "watch, watch."  Was I not supposed to believe that is what a loving parent does?  Yes, they do, but there was something else, some other message, that made me believe that I was just garbage.  That I was no good, that I was born no good.

Even my last ex-husband used to do this to me.  "Watch, watch."  When we were in the Walmart, he was always on my back about bumping into people, that I was offensive, watch what I say, do this, don't do that.  Omgosh, how did he even know that mother used to do the same thing to me?  How did he know?  And he just followed suit and did the same thing that she did.

Now here's the horror.  I was supposed to just tell the whole lot of them to f*** off.  That I was not doing anything wrong, that I was not bumping into people, but I was bumping into people because of the constant badgering.

This is why it takes me so long to shop.  I have to watch carefully, its hard.  My current hubby, has this hard time with me.  He doesn't say "watch, watch."  but what he does say is that he wants to go now.  Why does he not say, "watch, watch."  Does he not care about me?  Does he not worry that I'll be bumping into others?  Why does he not tell me how to talk?  Does he not care enough to?

He feels colder a little more removed that I'm used to.  I always feel like I could get killed in an accident and he'll just go on with life.  I feel like he doesn't care.  I feel like if I was to shake him up in a blender he would come out the exact same as he is now.  If I explain things to him, he doesn't get it, he's stupid.

Well, I think I covered a lot here.  I think this is my most favorite posting.  Gotta press the publish button, I'm afraid of the comments, so please be kind.