Hold Your Head Up High

I thought I would never write about this again.  In fact, I hate writing about the SIL.  Yep, her again. Its not like I go looking for trouble.  Oh gee, I'm so glad I have a blog I can write in, this is hard to keep track.  I wrote about her in late August, the fact that DH went on a holiday to see his brother and SIL and I wasn't invited to.  Something new happened again, and I swear I don't go looking for trouble.

I was just getting back from church.  I saw her on the step coming in.  It looked like she was waiting for me to come in too, I don't know.  She waited for a bit then went in.  We weren't expecting them, I thought that DH went and visited them at his parent's a few days ago.  I thought that since they live so far away, that would be the last I would hear of them for awhile.  I thought I was off the hook.

I must have sat in the truck for the longest time.  I had to think, I had to pray, I had to get my panic in check.  Then I went into the house.  I was very cordial, even offering coffee and lunch which they declined.  Ok, then I made myself a sandwich and went and joined them in the livingroom.  She never looked at me, never talked to me, I talked mainly to the brother.  It was just casual chitchat.

They wanted to go for a walk, and she invited my DH to go with them.  In fact, she stood up and looked up in his face and asked him to join them.  I sat totally speechless, and shocked, she would so blatantly leave me out again.  I thought narcs were smarter than that.  But something else was going on here.

I was hiding.  I was playing stupid.  I think it might be my only protection.  I know I am a target now, and I don't know what would happen if she found out that I'm aware.  So, I just acted stupid.  Well, not really stupid, I can't call it stupid, no ACON is stupid, I just don't know what else to call it.

She doesn't know that she can't snow me anymore.  It's funny.  I got the feeling that if she knew I'm aware she might get more covert and harder for me to track.  Or more dangerous.  Except I might have screwed that one up. lol

I didn't protest the lack of invite.  I suppose back in the day, I would have been physically upset, allowing the hurt parts to show, and the narc would have had a nice source of supply.  So I should have showed I was upset.  Maybe.

I don't know.  Maybe she might know I'm aware.  I just want to stall it for as long as I can.  No sense in giving her the satisfaction.  Mother's words.  Mother taught me, "Don't give them the satisfaction." she used to say this when she was trying to bring down someone and she couldn't so she would play down and say that.  It allowed mother to be the martyr, and for mother, that was as good as supply as anything.

So hubby declined the walk.  When they left for the walk, I went upstairs to my sewing room, and proceeded to work there.  He came upstairs and bugged me and wouldn't leave me alone.  He was being all affectionate.  This means that he was trying to get me out of this state of mind.  He knows how I feel.  Unfortunately, I didn't keep my moods to myself last summer.

When they got back, I stayed in my sewing room.  Shortly after they left.  It doesn't appear that they enjoyed the visit.  I was cordial and nice, I don't know what happened.  Out of curiosity, I asked him what they were discussing.  He told me that they were trying to synchronize their holidays.  Oh, and he is asking me to join him this time!  Oh boy.  I guess I should be grateful.

No.  I am not going on that holiday to spend a week with the freakshow.  I am done with that.  I didn't tell him though.  I don't think I have to do anything.  I just get the feeling she will do something to screw it up, and she will be the one to make sure I don't go.  But I get the feeling that DH felt bad. He noticed my lack of an invite to go for a walk with them, but he was invited.  He noticed that. When she asked him, he just sat down and turned away from her and said no.  That it is cold outside. Perhaps he is a little scared of a narc?  Saying no to them, does anyone ever do that?

I'm just not interested in getting her stirred up.  The narcissist is a conscienceless, soulless being.  As much as I would like to take a revenge plot, I have to live in reality.  This is God's business, not mine. I believe that they are God's enemies, not mine, and since I love Him, his enemies come after me, is all.

And they don't play fair.  Sooner or later, they will win because of that lack of a conscience, which is what would stop me.  Even today, I noticed that when I looked at her and smiled, and she made a slight grin and turned away from me.  There is nothing in there.

I was very high value, only retreating to my sewing room when they went on the walk.  I offered to serve them even.  I hope this isn't the same as casting pearls before swine, but I was trying my best to be myself.  And I will always be myself, even if a narc is in the room, they won't sway me.   I know, I wanted to go no contact and just leave, but it wouldn't have looked good on me.

So, I did my best to be the robot, no emotions.  I believe I succeeded in doing that, plus trying to make sure that she didn't figure out I was aware.

Yes, I felt hurt, angry, outraged even.  That's why I sew and it gives me an outlet.  This SIL doesn't stop.  It feels horrible she is such a *****.   It feels terrible that DH is such a narc lover, butt kisser whatever you want to call it.  I still don't know how he managed to see her boobs.  He never told me. I one time spent a night in a small trailer with a few men, (long story about an emergency I was in) and they didn't see anything.  And also I know my mother would make sure she was on display.

But next summer is a long way off, and I have lots of relationship stuff to practice and, well, I have some new information on that.  I'll be making that report soon.  Just been too tired to write.  I have lots to write about but the cold weather is making me lazy.  I couldn't keep this new information about the SIL to myself.

In one way, I think she might be a very stupid person, who just keeps making these mistakes and doesn't mean it.  Isn't that crazy?