Living Outside of Abuse

This might come across as a little like a rant.  I've been doing some reading.  And I'm not blaming anyone, but I feel like some of the abuse information comes across as confusing as heck, even the stuff from abuse sites.  Maybe it is just my perception, but I want to clear up a few things.

I mean I don't get it.  Its a little to blase for my needs, I'm always needing more, and I feel like they throw out this information, then its nah, nah, sucks to be you, you don't get it ha ha.  And it hurts.  I don't come with the skill, the know how here, and this sucks.  Its too clinical, you know, disconnected.

Look, the first thing I need when I'm countering a problem in my relationship is, well, I need to get out of pain.  I need that addressed first before anything else.  Help me, I don't care about him, He might be the biggest douchebag around but to be serious, this is all about me, not him.  Telling me that he is wrong, that he is abusive, well, it doesn't help me.

Abuse is what it is.  I doubt that any woman has a hard time recognizing it.  We may have come from abusive backgrounds, but even me, I was well aware I was in abusive situations.  I was also well aware that I had neither the skills or the knowledge to handle a regular relationship problem.  I could never find the answers, until now.  You see the problem isn't in that other person.

Now I struggle with my emotional resources, if you been reading here, you know that, I can tear through anything, throw a good fit, cross boundaries.  Its because I feel scared, hurt, and I can use anger.  Its not the authentic me, I'm just hurt.  I need help with that.

I am a survivalist.  My mother only wanted me to die.  She took away any and all freedom from me. She emotionally molested me, and here I sit unable to function, but I do have my relationship site, I thank God every day for that.  The presence, the connection is unlike anything I've ever seen.

How about telling me that I am not to blame?  Hmm, that none of this is my fault.  Not that I am saying anyone is blaming me, but that is what it feels like when I venture into some sites. That whoever is writing it has it all figured out and I am a dumbass.

Take for instance, recognizing the signs of abuse, well, I have no trouble with what that is.  Nah, nah, kid stuff, I never did.  But I stayed with him anyway, does that make any sense?  Figure that one out for me instead. Please explain that one to me without blaming without making me feel bad, and without telling me that it is my fault.  Without even hinting that it is my fault.  I am hardwired to believe everything is my fault.  I needed someone to overcome that.

I've been in a few abusive relationships.  Is any of that my fault?  No, it isn't.  A lot of it is caused by not having the emotional resources.  Look, if I was born with no legs, is that my fault?  No.  If someone cut off my legs at the time I was a baby, is that my fault?  No it isn't.  But I can't walk, I can't understand how I am supposed to walk.  And everyone is expecting me to walk.

So what are emotional resources?  Its hard to explain.  This is what the narcissist is after.  The narcissist seeks out to destroy these things.  But you can't have a relationship without it.  That other person you are with is not responsible for my personal emotional resources.  How do we cultivate it? How do we become more resourceful?  These are things I need.  I still struggle with them, and when I struggle with them, I tend to bring out the worst in him.  And I don't blame him in particular, for I have seen how men run from me when I am like that.  It is not a comfortable place for me to be in when I have no idea why.  So what are the personal emotional resources?

It is a very terrifying place for me to be in when you tell me that I can't be with this man, because he is abusive and I know I can't be with a good man for they run from me.  And telling me how to recognize what a good man looks like, doesn't help me either.  It is still the same, I can't reach someone like that.  It feels horrible and it feels like it is being rubbed in my face, that I am a terrible person.  And that is not even true.  It is not the fact that I can't recognize a good man, I can, I just can't have him.  So I'll settle for what I am used to.  You've just taken away something that I can have, and not replaced it with something else.

It is a hard hit to take to find out that I was the problem, but not my fault, and it isn't about a particular man abusing me, who cares right?  I want everything to be stable in my life.  I am not a chaos junkie.  Omg, who said that?  I read that somewhere.

The survivalist forms a very distinct pattern system in order to cope with the uncopeable.  And its not like we don't try, you see we seek out approval.  We have no other way of understanding how to live with another person.  Approval is this resource we seek and that is where we get caught.  So that is a place to start.  It is very easy to stop seeking approval, it really is.  And I have not read that yet.

I have been taught at my relationship site some very good methods about how to not seek approval, this is not something you just tell someone to stop doing it, when they spent a lifetime in this coping mechanism.  I didn't know what it meant to stop seeking approval.  But now I know.  I believe I have that one covered.  And that is why I don't think I can ever be abused again.

It doesn't matter what he is doing, who cares right?  If I am not seeking approval, what can he do?  If he is an abuser, he is done for.  Regardless, it brings out the best in him, I have seen it.  I've seen my current guy, he treats everyone well, but when it comes to me, he did not, what was up with that?  Is there a reason?  This was a problem I addressed a long time ago.  We overcame a lot, we still have more to go, for I was settled as an abused woman, and nothing would change unless I changed it.  It was so simple really.  Everything seems so hard, but when I gained the skills, it was easy.

Of course it was his issue to act that way, and to tell the truth I don't know why he stayed with me and acted that way, but it has stopped.  And that is all I wanted.  At the time it was all I wanted, now I am wanting more.

I'm part of a relationship site online, and many of us women there are struggling in relationships.  At least a couple have been sexually abused.  We do have our leader, we don't advise eachother.  It all starts with an intense look at the self.  Its all about authenticity.  We don't play games in relationships, its all about truth and honesty.  All this leaves out the abusive man.

The best part, and I love this part, it helped me grow up, was that is bases a lot on our emotions.  Oh yes, that wonderful part of me that has been molested, comes alive for the first time in my life.  When I learned that real truth is the emotional side of things, I didn't worry about what the other person was doing anymore.  I don't change this to suit him, when he gets where he feels like he doesn't trust me, I just press harder into my core.  Its wonderful, so amazing, it was the world of difference.  If we split up tomorrow, I know how to get the good men, I will no longer ever have to be with an abuser, just so that I can have somebody.  I can settle into my true self, you know that person that God created, that no one like me exists, I am unique.

And all this requires facing fear.  Yes, I know.  But it is healthy to do this.  Expressing my emotions is healthy, facing fear, the right way is healthy, regardless of the way he is acting.  Regardless of anything, I have to face fear, and it is a challenge.  I worry that I won't be accepted, but then I just keep pressing on into my core.  No matter if he is angry, doesn't matter.  Just be myself.  Mostly, a lot of fear is based in not being enough, but guess what?  I am enough.

I am enough that I don't need to please anyone.  That my presence in a room is a pleasure for anyone, as long as I have stabilized my emotional resources.  And that is the backbone, the ABC's of life.

I remember when reading at some of the sites about proper communication.  I might not ever get this one.  My brain works where I'm so scared that any confrontational fight screws me over.  Lots of things I am personally not capable of doing.  I can't get into a combative stance with a man, not ever. I will be crushed.  I have accepted the fact that I will probably always be like that.  But, thank God, I won't ever have to.  Never.  It was never necessary.  I can say that I would have no relationship if I didn't find this group.  I've shared a lot of what I learned there.

I also feel that he can't have a temper, and he needs to be all sweet and soft.  Or that he needs to be thoughtful at all times.  That is what I've been reading.  Is that true?  I don't know.  That's what it feels like they've been telling me.  That he can't be gruff, that is an abuser.  I'm very confused about that one.  My guy is gruff.  If I were to tell you that, you would probably think he is an abuser.  So I am supposed to tell you that he is not gruff, that he is always perpetually soft, sweet, and kind.  So what do I do about that?  That one I truly don't understand.  Maybe that he is supposed to be always sweet and kind to me?  I don't know.

Sometimes when I read that he should be acting this way, he should be saying this thing.... sucks the life right out of me.  I can't make him act a certain way.  I can't.  Look its complicated, and our problems aren't that simple.  He has a temper, but he is not abusive, and listen, my guy manages a whole group of men in a very masculine environment.  Sometimes when he comes home, he forgets what environment he is in, and I feel that I need to understand that.  Its not easy.

I should be making every effort to understand him, but not to change him.  Change happens in me, and by doing that, I reinforce my stability.  That way I feel better, I am in control then, and I'm happy.

I just need to be that woman that no one abuses.  Just as simple as that.  Is it really that simple?  Well, I think it is, once the skills are learned and put into place, this is the easiest thing in the world to do.

My current problems in my relationship are not abuse related.  I'm delving into new territory here. There was this whole mess that happened last summer, over his SIL, that still has to be dealt with.  I wasn't letting it go, I was just learning some skills.

You see, this whole life is hard.  And I can't be blamed for it, but I still have to deal with it.

You see that whole mess that happened last summer over his disgusting SIL is related to my prior abuse situations.  I connected some things badly.  I am ashamed to say it, publicly.  A lot of it was related to me, my perceptions, my old way of dealing with things.  I was faced with another narcissist, and I handled it badly, throwing things out that I learned, and going back to my old ways. I know I am not making sense here, but I'll get into it soon.  Not that I don't want to, just that only some of the progress was made here, I want a full report.  But I'll carry on, carry on.