Understanding

I get the feeling that people are looking for relationship help.  A lot of men it seems.  This is good. Just hard to give advice to men, they are not the ones in charge.

In my country, it was commonplace to list a grounds for divorce to be because of "irreconcilable differences".  After awhile it was no longer listed on the divorce papers, it was assumed that "irreconcilable differences" was taken for granted as the cause for the divorce.  Even in abusive relationships, irreconcilable differences was always listed as the cause.  If you are beaten black and blue, then you just don't get along with the spouse?

I think "irreconcilable differences" is the lot cause for divorce.  It means I can't understand you, we can't come up with an agreement, so it is best that we part.  I'm thinking that you can actually call irreconcilable differences equivalent to war for significance.

We go to war for our own significance.  But I am here to tell you that significance is an emotional resource that you cultivate on your own, and no one can take it away from you.  As an ACON  I had to cultivate it on my own, I wasn't raised with it.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, then I believe that you can leave.  Give it up, throw it away.  This person has no intention of keeping a relationship, only for destruction.  I can even say that as a Christian, I will stand up and say that.  I can put 100% of the work in a relationship, but if the other person doesn't give a crap anyway, what else can I do?  Sometimes I think it would be good if they can all be cornered and kept together and left for God to deal with.  That is if God wants to.

But it might be hard for some to realize this.  They try to cope with them.  This is what Shrink4men has some very wonderful insights to unlocking this.  She has great stuff, no doubt about that.

Back to what I feel is important for relationships.  This sucks being an ACON because I don't have the ability to connect with another person very well.  It is hard for me.  I can grasp some insights here and there, but at the end of the day, his warmth, his goodness, can't seem to permeate the tough barrier of coldness I can put up.  So for me, it is a lot of work.

I am willing to put in the work however.  And the great thing about this is that I think I learned a lot. I can't get past my own coldness.  That feeling of maybe being too mushy or fearful of looking mushy. Even writing a Christmas or Birthday card is hard.   Too mushy.  I know I have to just feel the intense pain then let it go.  My mother used to do this to me.  During the silent treatment, I was trying to get her to talk to me, and she would accuse me of being mushy. Calling me a a big suck, whatever.  I was usually under the age of 10 during this time, and this severely impacted my informative years.  How she did this and still remained engulfing is a mystery.

I have these massively tough days.  Days when I am not so certain.  Days where I wish that Jesus can come right now.  To remove the darkness that I feel inside, the intense pain, to take me to that place where pain cannot exist.

I struggle on and on.  Each and every day.  I do have good days though.  Its not so bad.  I actually do have a fella that is not like the others.  I learned a lot about relationships and things are going well. Relationship advice is very important to me.  But it is harder if you are an ACON.

If you want to give relationship advice, please remember you are messing in someone's marriage here, and life, and this is to never be taken lightly.  This is serous stuff.  Never call down the person the commenter is complaining about.  You have to give advice that is effective, usable, doable and maintain the integrity of the person the commenter is talking about.  You can still take sides and I can't tell you how to do it, I don't give relationship advice, but I simply know that it is a talent, a gift.

Therapists, from my own experience, don't always have the answers.  For example, it took me my whole life to even understand what codependence was.  What was that word?  All I knew is that this is what people didn't want to be.  The advice didn't gel with me.  I didn't get it and I had to learn it from a lawyer, isn't that crazy? This lawyer has given me all the foundation I need.  She gives the best and most heartfelt relationship advice.  Anyway, when I learned what codependence was, I no longer lived in his body and mind.  I now live my life despite what he was thinking or doing, regardless of my predicted consequence.  Actually the consequences are beautiful.  I can now be understanding and compassionate to him, and I strike a wonderful balance between that and keeping my mind, soul and body. 

If you have a passion for relationships and people this is the wonderful foundation for giving the advice, but otherwise it is dangerous.  If you are coming from a bad place and choose to not be there for both people in the relationship, it can be dangerous. Whether you are giving advice to either the men or to the women, you need to be a supportive person.  And build up and be present.  I personally don't give relationship advice, but I do give testimonials on mine.  I don't know how to give advice on this.  But I believe that it is a place that requires full respect.  Families are at stake, and I think that one wrong word can cause a heap of trouble. 

Maybe the advice isn't bad, it is the way it comes across, mean spirited.  Very little information is given by most people in the comments section, so it is important to not throw in advice from information that is not even there.  Maybe stick to the facts and exactly what the person is saying.  

Some things I would like to share.  Men don't have the power in relationships, women do.  We were given this power simply because we are the bearers of children, and nature has mercifully selected that we should have the power.  We need the power to guide our relationships, it is better this way. Men don't even have the mating selection either.  As such, men need a lot of help.

Women need to choose directness because that is the way men work.  It is not the way women work usually, and because we have been given the power in relationships, we will have to be the one to step out of our own feelings, and just understand his.  I call this, "head out of my butt."  Well, men don't have the capacity to truly understand us.  Well, maybe they can try but it usually doesn't happen. Not effectively anyway. And if he does try, we usually can dodge him down, take him down, he gets confused, as this is not his specialty.  It is ours.  Remember he does not have the ability to understand women, keep repeating that to yourself and you will be halfway there.  He is not like this on purpose. He can't help it.

Don't ever give men mixed messages.  I know women do this all the time and it makes sense to us but it is horrendous for men to try to live that way.  Be authentic, be real.  Keep the words easy to decifer. Keep it simple and clear.  That is, if you care, if you don't then, well there is not much else for me to say on that. Use emotions, feel, give him at least some sense of what is going on.  Blaming puts men on the defensive, and does not make sense to him.  Blaming is never authentic anyway.  You have to fell what is going on with you, then express that.

Television might show a man with the total capacity to understand women.  He has his woman spellbound in his romantic ways, and very few men exist like that in the world.  We think we want a man like that, but the truth is that we really don't.  Not if we are normal that is.  In reality, we want him to be gritty, its just the way it is.  But there is a cost to that.  We want him to be all that and a box of rocks.  As such, some women from my relationship site have decided to turn the tv off, it is not conducive to real life.  And only put thoughts in our head that are destructive.  Otherwise, tv is just make believe at best.  Men are not big hairy women.  They are men.  A totally different being.  And he can't just go and get the capacity to understand women.  Sure we can explain it to them, he might understand some, but truly, the more gritty and masculine he is, the less understanding of women he will have.  The less romantic genes he has.  He can't pull this off well.

As an ACON  it is hard for me to go without tv.  I think I use tv as sort of a way to establish some good emotions.  As such, I just have to keep things in perspective as I do watch tv.

Stepping out of ourselves can seem like an overwhelming task, and it is.  Head out of butt requires that you understand him totally.  Until your brain is about to explode and your emotions are set to explode too, you do not understand him.  He might be saying and doing all the wrong things at any point, you will quiver in fear to understand him.  And you will do this, because you will know that he does not have the capacity to understand you.  Not that he is unwilling, he can't, that is how it is, like it or not.  Otherwise he would not be gritty, he would be a woman, he is not.

I get the feeling from reading online that a lot of woman think they have the golden uterus, just have a couple of kids and now you are entitled to everything he has.  Sure some wussy men fall for this, and become a whipped little doggy.  But if you want a gritty, edgy guy that will not happen.  He feels remorseful at ever getting involved with you.  It is the truth.

Evolution says it is the survival of the fittest.  I don't know what you call it but it actually plays out for real, I have seen it.  He wants the highest value mate he can get.  It doesn't matter if your eggs are all spent up and you have no more ability to have kids.  Something has to keep him going for high value.  I think I have talked about that before.

It is something that women need to realize during the dating process.  I don't talk much about dating, because I don't have the testimonial for it.  I would be using someone else's work here, but it is helpful because it teaches us to be high value.  I read some of that stuff to get it in my head what high value is.  When you are in a committed relationship you still have to be high value all the way through and still do the hard work a relationship requires.  I know a lot of this is on our shoulders, but it is for the best, it really is.  If we don't seek understanding we can stir up the bad in a man and we don't want that.  We are sitting on a 50% survival rate for marriages and most of this is stuff we can correct if we care enough to.

For instance if a woman feels so entitled to all his resources and expects it regardless and doesn't think she has to do anything any more I would have to call this abuse.  And this is the part that sucks, this is where we have to be authentic and real.  We will go to war for our own significance before we would just seek out understanding.  And when he gives something, something like all his financial resources, for instance, it is not an entitlement here.  The woman has to appreciate him in more ways than just a simple thank you here.  Thank you means nothing to a man.  We think it should, but it doesn't, that is back in our own butts again.  Until you can articulate it to him, in his way, so that he can feel it in his emotions,  that you are grateful to him, you run the risk of having him think that you are entitled.  And that is low value.

I know this woman in my church that has a husband and kids.  She looks like a woman that has it all together and everything comes easy to her.  Right?  One day I heard her say in front of a group of ladies that she is grateful that her husband makes a ton of money, and that she doesn't have to work, it would be hard to do with the large family.  He makes her life easier.  She shook her head and added that she couldn't even imagine having to have a job right now.  

At first it sounds like she is bragging.  But she says she says this to her husband all the time.  This is not a woman that feels entitled.  No not at all.  She understands him and she is totally grateful.  She knows that it is not easy to get up and go to work everyday.  And her husband gets this whole, tell it to the world that he is an awesome guy.  What a treat for him.  No barely acknowledging him there.  No saying that he has to do so, it is his responsibility. No golden uterus or vagina there.  This actually has a historical background.  When the man would spear the woolly mammoth, the woman would throw him a party and dance, I know it sounds silly, but they still want that.  Nothing can grab a man's attention than appreciation and understanding.

When I first learned this I thought that being so grateful that way will make a man feel like he is being pushed into doing things he doesn't want to.  But, again, that is my own mind working here, not usually how his works.  He needs that type of attention, and this needs to be understood by me.  Not that you are always having to say it, just live that way, this is hard to explain.  It is a change of attitude, and this attitude will carry on and on.

When we fight for our own significance we might say that we are independent and that is not true. That woman is not independent, and she is grateful not to be independent.  So feel those emotions and be grateful for what he gives.  Don't expect anything back, and don't demand anything back.  He will follow suit soon enough when you are influencing him in a good way.  If you are not treating him like a douchebag, then he will return the respect some day.  Patience required here?  Yep.

It is the case with wanting a man to just cuddle all the time.  It might be great for a bit, but what he really might want is a striptease and dance.  Sounds completely out of our element as woman, isn't cuddling being appreciative enough?  Well, lol, that's what I mean by head out of our own butts. Sometimes a guy will grab his wife's boobs and to us this can be annoying, but to him this is him wanting intimacy.  This too needs to be understood.  No matter what you do or say at this point, it doesn't matter.  Just remember you have to be authentic, and use feelings and emotions.  Don't string along some words that are convenient, maintaining your own significance and call that communication, it is not.

It is ok to feel angy, jealous hurt etc.  You can tell him these exact feelings.  You can tell him your scared of being abandoned by him and talk about why you feel like this.  Don't worry, he won't mind. What he does mind is being treated like a scratching post because you can't delve into your authenticity and you try to hurt him instead.

Maybe the golden uterus makes you think that all you have to do is put on some old jogging pants and live in them all the time.  Demand this, and demand that, it is horrible.  Even if your beauty starts to fade, and you might not even be considered beautiful, he will still see you as high value because it is your state of mind that leads him to do so.  You spend at least some time taking care of the way you look, fix yourself up.  You think you are all that, he will too.  You care for yourself, he will too. This is the power of influence that women have.  Add that to understanding him, and you will have a guy that loves you, cares for you deeply, and practically worships the ground you walk on.  The mushy part lol.

But this is not a power you can just wield and use it to be hurtful or mean or to get your way all the time.  He still has his hardwiring that will prevent him from getting used that way.  That is if he is strong.  When he is strong, then he is dependable, and this is the guy most women dream about so don't kid yourself into thinking that you want him whipped.  That is not love, that is abuse.  A whipped man is abused, and you are the abuser.  A dirty, stinky, rotten, emotional abuser.  A soul sucker, a narcissist.

Well, anyway, I've been researching a bit.  I just found out some stuff that he confessed to me, that I'm not sure is even mainstream ok.  I mean, I'm ok with it, and I want to disclose it here, but I'm not sure how well everyone else will feel about it.

So I'm going to say it anyway.  If you don't think I should be sharing this stuff online, or I'm nuts, then its ok.  I don't mind.  We all need to own our own minds here, and I'll never call you down for saying so.

And I don't know how he would feel about it.  If he ever read my blog I might have to delete this.  He confided in me, and this is rough stuff, I just have to talk.  What else is a blog for?  I need to talk about it.  

Well, anyway, I just found out my husband ordered out his ex with a loaded rifle before we got together.  He was pushed to the brink of it.  He had no other choice, she wouldn't leave on her own. Why wouldn't he just leave instead?  Well, he was very angry, and wasn't really thinking.  And I understand.  

I have talked about his ex before on here.  Well, a little bit, truth was I didn't know much.  I got together with him right after my last row with mother, and he took me in.  I was full of fear, PTSD, I had my problems, I was barely even coping.  I don't think I was coping, I think he took total care of me and I barely knew him, and he was so supportive of me, and I was so sure that he was perfect and led the perfect life.  He made a ton of money, I thought he never had any problems.  

Yes, I know that he was separated from his ex shortly before we got together, but I thought it was kind of a mutual thing between them.  They got along, and she emails him, but I got jealous, then he stopped even talking to her at all.  I also had moral implications with this.  They got along so well, then why is he with me?  He needs to go back with her.  

Time told the tale.  He had blame issues, and many other issues about things, and after he helped me gain a hold on reality, I dived into trying to get to know him better.

I didn't stop.  What is this?  An ACON thing?  We can't let things alone and just live peacefully?  We have to ask questions and probe and continue doing so?  Is this why we were scapegoats?  Maybe.

I could live here quietly Queen of the Estate, but I have to risk everything, don't I?

I want a relationship of passion.  He wanted a good woman who he could live in peace with.  He calls me good all the time.  Now, I know that there is not one person on earth that is good.  But relatively speaking, he believes me to be good.  He clings to me all the time.  Everytime he has a difficulty I can feel him pressing up close to me.  

Well, anyway, I've been working hard on my relationship.  Very hard, I wanted more of the passion I've been longing for all my life.  I knew that if this is to ever come about it would have to come from me and my power of influence.  I would have to be understanding and learn where he is at first.  So that is what I was trying to do.  For a full two weeks I just watched and observed him.

I was trying to delve deeper into understanding him.  And yes, it was difficult.  I knew that it was not automatic for him to realize that what I wanted, which was attention and connection.  For men it is almost the opposite, they want freedom.

Freedom is not such a bad word.  If men didn't want freedom then they wouldn't be the men we would crave and enjoy.  He would be like a girlfriend then.  I want attention and connection and this is hard to reconcile with freedom.   

If you ask him, he would tell you he gives me tons of attention and connection.  Ha ha.  Far from it, but he does give me all he has.  Truth is, he doesn't have that much to give in the way of attention.  I have to accept this.  

There are some days he is sitting in his gazebo and I know instinctively not to intrude.  He comes in after awhile, and I don't act all spiteful for ignoring me.  He even went to spend a few hours talking to the neighbours without me.   And you know what?  He came in looking very forlorn.  I welcomed him with open arms and asked him how was his time and if he was enjoying himself, and he looked down and said, "Fine."  I think he was having a good time until he came home to me and he wasn't happy to see me at all.  

I knew something was wrong.  I realized then that he never leaves the yard without me except to go to work.  And I have never seen him look so downtrodden.  Almost hiding and I am starting to clue in to him.

I don't know what made me bring up a conversation about passion.  But he seemed to think that I was trying to take away his freedom.  He even said so.  He said he felt free when he went to spend time with the neighbours or when he spends time alone in his gazebo.  That if he gives me more passion then he would be a wimp.  I told him that is not true.  See how things translate?  Now I had to help him understand that passion will not take away his freedom.

But I knew that he didn't seem happy afterwards.  But I didn't tell him this.  I kept it simple.  I told him that I wanted him to have freedom, that it would be something I would honor as well as any other core values he has.  So what is the issue then?

He started to open up about his past.  Then he got to talk about how he never felt like he could do anything before.  The violent event I am talking about with his ex was a time he was on nightshift. He has a few hours to sleep, then a few hours to relax and eat then go to work again.  It is a stressful time, it is easy for me to understand that.

Well, that time he was ordered by his ex to remove the boathouse.  He told her he was tired, that it could wait, but she wanted it done NOW.  He did what he was told all the time, and she promised to help him, and she didn't.  A beam fell to his head, his temper flared, then he ordered her out, fueled with anger.  He told her to leave.  She wouldn't leave.  Then he got the gun and loaded it and said he would shoot her if she didn't leave, so she left.

I was thinking that he never would even ask me for help in taking down a boathouse.  I asked him why would he ask her for help?  That is not like him, something was wrong with this story.  

He never asks me to do anything.  No, not at all.  In fact, I had promised to help him with the wood which is gathered in the fall, but he just looks at me.  I told him, "Its ok if we go at my pace."  He just looks at me again.  Then I didn't say anything then.  I know what he was thinking, that we would have a big picnic lunch, I would be commenting on the pretty trees and flowers, and butterflies, we would have a tea party.  After, gathering maybe a truckload I would call it a day.  He did not say this but he does make these references about me occassionally.

He would never ask me to help him take down a boathouse, least of which expect me to help.  I worry about that sometimes.  I'm a small woman maybe 5'3" and I am hypermobile, not physically strong. My worry is that I'm different and that he will see me as different and this messes with my need for significance.  

If he gets angry at me, its rather a scary sight.  He's is much taller, and bigger, and I can't even defend myself at all.  If I wanted to confront him, I would be screwed.  Even when he jokes with me at times I get scared, I can't take him on.  I have never been able to take on anyone, least of all him.  I never try to muster up some masculine energy and go head to head with him that way.  But, you see, I have a different power that is actually more powerful.  But to be real and authentic, we do have our occasional arguments that can be quite heated at times.  But I use my power of influence very well so it works out ok.

If the woman next door offered to help with the wood, he would take her help, but not mine.  He actually told me, in response to me offering, that he would take me for a short walk in the bush instead.  

So why was he friend with his ex afterwards?  Even her parents?  Her parents tried to get them back together.  

If it were me, I would never want my daughter to get back with a man who wanted to shoot her.  I wouldn't care who was at fault.  

He doesn't know why either.  He told me he was lucky that he never got into trouble over it.  He told me that his ex was a spoiled brat, and very bossy and seemed to get some kind of kick of bossing him around.  And she would "smirk" at him.

Lets just put this in ACON format shall we?  Bossy = bullying.  He was bullied throughout his former marriage.  And that is the only conclusion I can come up with.  Do I condone his behaviour?  No, of course I don't.  I don't believe he chose the best way to handle the situation.  He shook his own head at his own behaviour and said to me that he was shocked at himself.  

I don't know all of the details, but I do understand him on this.  I think I was fortunate I didn't own a gun at the time of mother's torments.  I actually even thought many times, she is so sick, why not just die.  I was in a horrible state at the time, I don't know how I got through.  I was tired, sick, hopeless, and when you are in that situation, nothing good can come of it.  Consider that if you are thinking of going back into contact with your abusive parent.

My husband actually loves the fact that he was my hero.  He does tell me these days, that some of my behaviors are like a twelve year old.  He is open and direct like that.  Its ok, I had to grow up really fast and some stuff might be missing, I get that and so does he.  He says, "That is what I'm here for."

You would think that he would love a tough bushwoman instead of me.  It hurts me that I am not like that.  His sister-in-law even teased me once on my vulnerability and lack of toughness.  But I am learning that, yes, it is ok to be vulnerable, it is wonderful actually, but it is a bit of flop without the high value part, which means I have to be happy the way I am, in order for others to respect it.

And I can't even fake being tough, not very effectively, really.  If I dress up in bush clothes, everyone thinks its cute.  I mean, I really can't pull it off, lol.

I even talked to him about it and he is great with me the way I am.  But how can he be when all the other women can be tough and strong all around him?   He had that before, well, not the kind one, a mean one instead.  Maybe he is too scared to get a toughie and settles for me cause its safe?

You bet I asked him that, and he told me that his ex wasn't tough, just bossy.  And she didn't ever do anything well.  She can't hold down a job because she is into drugs.  And he doesn't even care about me being tough.  So he says, so we continue.  And I am not afraid of him at all.  Please don't take this as advice to get together with a shooter, that is not what I am saying at all.  I am talking about understanding.

I couldn't imagine the torment he went through.  It was like mine, very similar.  He works shift work and in between he is bossed around to do this and do that.  Then when he met me and with my own torments going on, it became impossible for him to tell me his full story.  And I wasn't emotionally available to deal with it anyway.

I don't condone his behaviour and I certainly don't condone his not telling me until now.  But the circumstances are what they are and that takes a heap of understanding.