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Monday, January 2, 2017

A Day to Vent



I have a lot to write about but everything seems like its a conglomerate, and I'm having difficulty expressing myself.  The other day while getting myself a snack, I was actually at first looking forward to.  Then when I got it, I didn't want it.  Things like that.  I think my emotions are getting badly screwed up, and this job is a pain.

I haven't been eating much at this job.  Just one bagel in the morning, at noon, a sandwich, then a quick and hasty dinner at home.  I keep wondering, if this is what life is supposed to be about.  There is no want nor desire for my hobbies, and relationship issues are no longer on my mind.  I said something horrible to my husband just yesterday, which he ignored, thank God, but it was only something that would have come out of my mother's mouth.  I won't get into that.  There is no point, but my point is, that I am less of myself these days.

I can't help but think that there has got to be better jobs out there.  I know I hadn't worked in quite a while, so that might be a part of my problem, it might be.  But I can't help feeling humiliated each and every day that I'm there.  And now I have to tell my voc rehab worker.  I don't know how she will feel about me quitting.  I know a lot of people want to quit their jobs, and they only work to survive. But given my emotional state (I have been emotionally molested as a child) it is very difficult for me. I don't like to be a weakling, but this job is impossible for me.  And I can't explain it to my worker, she will not understand where I'm coming from.  She sees anxiety as something that needs to be worked through.

She tries to guide me.  She knows a lot about mental illness, a whole lot, but she has no idea of what I'm going through.  I noticed my thoughts are screwy, and she thinks that it only takes some counselling and we can work our way through.  And she believes everyone has been traumatized, and it is worth the effort to get better.

I have no desire to try to fix this anymore.  I wish I could just avoid everything.  Avoid her, avoid going to work tomorrow, and just give right up.  But, if I were to do that, then the last couple of months of suffering would have meant nothing.  I'll only be where I started, and really worse for wear.  I can't tackle things emotionally, it seems like there is this huge blockage.

For me, being able to go anywhere or do anything, is terribly difficult.  I grew up on a farm, which I barely left as a child.  I used to go to school, only to come back on the bus promptly.  Mother preferred me to stay at home.  I know know, that is only because I would always be on hand for when she needed to extract supply, so that is the really creepy reason.

Besides all that, I do go out everyday.  The pound of my bosses to be at work ontime, overrides my need to stay at home right now.  Lots of employees arrive to work a few minutes late, and its ok for them.  It only means minutes off the paycheck and they have other things to do I guess.  But for me it would be tormenting to even think of being late.  I wish I could just be that much of a screwup, it would be of great value to me.  To not do what I'm told to do, is what I must do, but I can't.

So I think I follow protocol everyday, for I'm scared of the repercussions if I don't do as I'm told.  The pain of it all is extremely terrifying, it gets me no where.  I can't override this, not ever.  This is the terrible reality of child abuse, it does not ever go away.

So I'll go see my worker tomorrow, and I'll tell her I need something else.  I won't get into a lot of the details with her about it, for if I do, she would have a quick remedy.  Of course she will!  This is what the mental health community is designed to do.  But they are not remotely aware of the pain, or my pain.  They think we avoid it, like an alcoholic will avoid the fact that he has to stop drinking, but it's more than that, isn't it?  Its more like telling me to die in extreme agony and pain, then placate me by telling me that it will be ok.  But its not ok is it?

My tummy is still rather jumbled.  But I think I picked the worst position I could ever do.  I have to listen to the supervisors tell other employees that it is hard to roll the racks all day, but keep me doing the same job all day long!  Its nonsensical and callous and hateful.  Then when I tell them I'm tired they make me do a timesheet!  I will tell my worker this.  I know she will tell me to express myself, but its impossible.  One of the worst things of this upbringing is it made me so able to hide my true feelings.

Just like when a freak comes and makes a comment to us, to block our feelings, be happy.  It is just like my mother.  It has never helped me then, it will not help me now.

It was a conversation I just had with my eldest daughter.  She told me that she is in a lot of pain due to hypermobility syndrome, more than I am.  I told her, no, actually, I blasted her, "How the heck would you know that, how the heck would I even know that."  She looked at me then stopped to say anything else.  In such heat of emotion, I'm not sure, but I think I got my point to her.  I can keep secrets, even from myself.

Then there is the fact that I hardly know anything about life, about people.  The neighbours were in the yard playing, right in front of us, on the road, and I could see them, and they were very close.  I wanted to go out there and tell them to go away.  I wanted to tell them I don't like people much, I hope you can understand.  I don't like it when your dog comes and visits me when I'm hanging out the laundry, and you walk over here, to collect your dog, and maybe I just don't want any dealings with you.  I hope you can understand, don't take it badly, its how I feel, have a nice day.

I wanted to, but I knew not to.  Somehow, I have to go around placating people and prove to other people that I'm not really a bitch.

That's the part of authenticity that really gets to me.  I don't know, but sometimes maybe we can't be authentic.  I'm just feeling grouchy today, and I know I'll have to get a lot deeper than this, but its back to work tomorrow, and I'm feeling grumpy.


20 comments:

  1. You sound OK so far. If you suddenly think Zeppo was the funny Marx brother call 911 immediately.

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  2. Ha ha, or if you think a crocodile resting on the bank of a river is a peaceful sight that you want to cuddle up with him lock yourself away.

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  3. It sounds like it's taking a real toll on you. The voc worker doesnt sound like she understands what it's like for you. I think you should tell her all the details - all the pain. If she sees what's happening and she just says, oh keep trying with this job, then she doesn't get it and she isn't the right person for you. But if she's good at her job - if you tell her about the pain, give her all the details - if she gets that? - then she may be able to help you. I know it's hard to express things. If it's hard to talk about it, you're good at writing things out in your blog. You could write a note explaining all the difficulties and take it with you and show her. If she says, okay, we need to try some different things, then great! You can try something else. If she says, oh you just need to be patient, then she's not getting it and she's not going to be able to help you. It seems worth it to give her one chance to see the truth and do something, since you've put so much into it already.

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  4. Thanks Anon, its been done. She will give them my notice. At first, when I talked to her today, she didn't understand and wanted me to keep trying. But somehow I got through to her. I just didn't know if it was my choice to quit, but she said that I could have given my notice already, which I'm scared to do, and she is doing it for me. I will talk to her again tomorrow after work, like i did today. Now I'm scared the boss will try to talk to me about it. I don't think I have to tell him anything, but all I want to do is roll the racks and wait out the time till its over. We will find me something that is good. She even said that I needed to work alone, its clear now.

    Thanks for mentioning for me to write things down when I have difficulty expressing myself. I never thought of that.

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    1. I am glad she has figured out this is not the right job for you and you need to work alone. The endless pressures these idiots put on their workers actually probably worsen the productivity. Makes you wonder what they teach in those management classes, how to be the biggest jerk?

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    2. They want production, the fastest way to get there. They even cut our breaks at times, to increase production, which makes no sense. There is a study that breaks for the employees increase prodution.

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    3. Sheesh treating you all like machines. This for a thrift store? They act like its life or death what a bunch of idiots.

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  5. so glad it's done. sounds like she understood! what a relief! she must understand if she's willing to give notice for you and she understands you need a job without people. that is great. i'm happy for you!

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  6. My supervisor called me into the office yesterday on speakerphone, and I felt crippled. Funny, how they never took my disability into consideration, not even once. But it's ok though, and I told her that I couldn't work around people all day, that they made me nervous. She asked me if there were any problems she could fix, but I said no, its just the way I am. I think its better this way not to burn any bridges at this point. Like I told my husband, that if something happened to him, I might have to be crawling back there for my job back, lol. But that's not so far from the truth. He has insurance, but it's not like I will never have to work again, if he were to pass.

    So, yep, next friday will be my last day. I will be happy that I can still shop peacefully in that store. That store was my favorite thrift store, and I enjoyed it, as long as I can forget what happens in the back, behind the doors.

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    1. I think you need something too that is closer to your educational levels, a paper work job, not a grunt job. Maybe tell Vocab Rehab person that too. I find myself wondering why she put you at what sounds like the hardest core thrift store on the planet, and why they are so forceful at a place run I am guessing for non-profit right?

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    2. Yes, but it will take an investment of time. I think she put me in this job right now, because I was looking for something right now. But it is not going to work out for me there. I did learn a lot though. It helped me learn things about life skills I never knew before, I would like to practice that, but not at this job. If it wasn't so physical job, I probably would.

      The store I work for is not a non-profit. It is for profit. They buy the goods donated to charities, and then they try to sell them. Only 10 percent of the goods get sold, and if it doesn't it has to go. This is a lot of work. And staff is down. There are not a lot of people working there.

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    3. What is this the dregs of the dregs things people didn't want to buy at Goodwill? Are they selling this stuff internationally? It sounds like a false business or one that may be technically legal but kind of amoral. So they cut staff and increase the work. I am glad you got out. I worked enough grunt and horror jobs to know one can spend the hours of one's life in utter boredom/and or hell.

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    4. I can't write the name of the store, we signed a document to never do that. I'm not sure if I said too much, but I had to, as this was not to defame them, it is to help me. This is my blog, not social media, and it is here to help me.

      I don't know if they cut staff, or that no one wants to work there. It seems strange in this day and age, no one wants to work here. So I only have 2 days of hell left. But I'm developing some cattitude, my beloved kitty, has a multitude of places to sleep, but prefers to sleep in a paper bag.

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  7. Sounded like you were kind've mean to your daughter. She was likely just looking for a mommy to listen and sympathize with her.?

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    1. dear other anonymous - suggesting that a mother's behavior isn't perfect in your estimation is not really that useful. it's not useful for one, because no parent is perfect. it's particularly not useful here, when you are pointing out what you see as flaws to someone who struggles mightily with even claiming her place in this world, her right to exist. joan, the person may not be aiming to be cruel, but their comment is completely beside the point. you don't have to defend your actions or your humanity or your self to every tom dick and sally who comes along with an idle criticism to share. i wish i had the balls to sign my name, which i don't, so that i wouldn't feel compelled to disassociate myself from other anonymous posting.

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    2. Its ok, cause my daughter is almost 30, and I didn't get into the exact context of that conversation that I had with her. Her and I have been through lots of stuff, she blames me for being a pushover all my life, and didn't make money, I didn't "get a job", which were her exact words. Do you know what it looks like to your kids when you are not able to hold down a job. She thinks I take the easy route all of the time, and there is no explaining to her otherwise. And if that particular anonymoous is reading, then I went into all of that. and she felt I could have done better for her and her siblings, financially. And her father, the psycopath, gets a free pass cause he's crazy, you know, and crazy people walk. You know, if I felt like it I could make a blog completely about that.

      In any case, I didn't exactly get into writing about that particular conversation. But my daughter is blaming me for even inheriting the hypermobility syndrome. At this point in time, I don't try to shield the kids from the truth, I tell them this is the truth, and that is just the way it is.

      But just like the second "kindly" anonymous has said, I don't need to explain myself to every you know who. And my daughter does that, its like I have to explain my breathing, and I am so over it with her. I have really come to put my foot down with her. She wants no comforting from me, she wants to blame me. I'm not personally responsible for the hypermobility, I'm not responsible for my own narcissistic upbringing, and what my daughter has to tell me over that is, "get over it". Like I can move on from this.

      But she and I had a lovely conversation over the weekend, and she shared some stuff she was reading about psycopaths, and what she had learned. It was a lovely conversation. :/ There now I just complicated everything now. lol

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    3. I am glad you had her read about psychopaths. It's not fair she was down on you about jobs, she is old enough to realize how the work world is run, and the narcs win in it now. Maybe as she gets older she will understand. I wonder why this person is trolling your board questioning the relationship with your daughter. Hope the creep that has been trolling my blog didn't decide to come pay a visit here.

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    4. Lol, its ok Peeps. I have nothing to hide here, in my blog, and if comes down to it that I'm a mean spiteful person, then I guess I better know that. My daughter has not had it easy either. And I know it has been a hard life, and all we can do is keep going. She seems to be understanding better, but I know she will dig at me again, and again, we will get along, then again it will be hard going with us. All relationships are hard. And as you know, we ACON's just have to keep going. I may have been mean to my daughter, but I'm not perfect. If this particular anonymous thinks she/he is so perfect as to never fight with your child, then maybe its just a computer glitch. lol

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    5. I tend to avoid relationships now where someone criticizes me constantly. Your daughter could be feeding off of other narcs. I always got scared if I had a kid, the family would have turned the child against me and gotten them to be another criticizer. Why do you have to be a successful career executive to be worthy to your daughter? Work from that point. Id ask her. All the narcs that tell me to be something I'm not and never could be can go jump in the lake.

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    6. I think she does feed off of other narcs, her ex used to give me a hard time, and there was one time he was kicking her out, and he called me to pick up my daughter. Unfortunately, I couldn't go, I didn't have enough gas. But they called me a liar. Truth was, anxiety made me unable to handle driving without sufficient gas in the car, I had no money. This was years ago. While I was contending with my disappearing job, I had to deal with him too. But somehow they made up, but he never let me forget that he was willing to throw her out, but it was all my fault. I wasn't worried she would be out in the street, for in our country, there is police, there is lots of help, but with her, there is only me. I had to turn to the police in a dangerous relationship, I had to stay in shelters, but not them. It was all my fault.

      But she broke up with him, she started studying the sciences, like me, my new hubby is able to get her in placement starting this summer, the job pays 25-30$ an hour, but she is afraid to I think. All that stuff of the past is gone now, but she never lets me live it down. I try to help her with the fear, and its not working, she will never trust me. If she doesn't do the paperwork necessary, she won't get the placement, but its difficult to get her on the topic.

      I know I wasn't the greatest parent, and boy, did I struggle, even now, I struggle, and she has never, never, accepted me as is. She thinks I'm making it all up, that I can just be like everyone else. My youngest daughter asks me to babysit and gives me a whole week's notice, but my oldest, its right now, or your a lousy person and grandparent. She could call me right now, and tell me to get off my ass, time to babysit, and this is hard.

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