The Cost of Growth

I'm still having difficulty over certain things.  I have to make a dentist appointment, I have a broken filling.  I put it off for a few weeks but now the pain started last night and I'm sitting here writing to get my mind off the pain.  I haven't had a tooth cleaning either, I cancelled that appointment some time ago, as it is hard for me.  I still feel like my health is not well, that I'll get diagnosed with something bad and I will die.  Yes, even by just having this filling fixed.

I know I can ask my husband for help in this, but then I have to talk about it some more and that is hard too.  You can't imagine this guy.  While I love him with all my heart, he really does talk from detached emotions, and can seem really cold, and he is not.  When I got my income tax refund in the mail, he handed it to me, and before I could say anything, he said he would open it for me, not to worry its good news.  I know that, all the simple things in life are hell for me, I can`t tell you.

Do you ever wonder that if you weren't an ACON that you would be a genius, that you are a genius underneath it all?  My friend was showing me how to put the border on my quilt (yep almost finished) and I got it right away.  She was surprised, and was going to help me with it all, but I was ok with it and we could relax and chat.  It is complicated but I get it, I'm not having a hard time.  I never needed further instruction or explanation on anything in my life.

And just thinking about making friends.  There is this whole part of being careful that we must maintain.  But isn't that terrible really?  Do I want relationships and friendships based on superficiality?  Seems like a sign of the times, but it seems so much of a waste of time to go slowly. Although it is necessary.  But I would really like to take a plunge and be friends and be deep with someone.  I don't need superficiality in my life, I really don't, and if I can't just take the chance and be vulnerable then it is a huge waste of time.  How much longer do we have to live anyway?  Why waste time?  If that potential friend is superficial you will find out right away if you are vulnerable.

I remember the day I called my sister and told her the truth about our mother.  I thought I was handing her the keys to the kingdom of freedom, and she rejected it.  Mother has a myriad of doctors appointments due to age, and I told my sister she can walk away, mother was feeding on her emotions.  She agreed with me, but said she needs to take care of mother.  I took a chance.  I really wanted my sister back in my life, and I have to accept the truth, that she is gone from me forever.

Keys to the kingdom.  That is what it is.  Now if you share your awakening with another family member, you are trying to give them good news.  They can walk away and leave the narcissist, no matter what condition they are in.  Because at the end of it all, it is your health that matters.  I have a hard time with everything now, because that freak made me feel like I`m so stupid.

I know men talk from detached emotions, but my husband takes the cake on that one.  When he teased me about my high school yearbook that he knows someone who went to high school with me, he didn`t know what he was doing.  He knew I had issues with stuff, but he thought the high school stuff was separate.  I couldn`t explain it to him, he would have just continued the teasing.  So I dug deep into my emotions and told him how this was making me feel, he never mentioned it again.  So I had all these emotions going on and then he stopped.  It was like a light went on in his head and he gets it.  I have never heard another word about it.  But it forced me to be vulnerable, which seems to be the only thing he understands.

Authenticity brought me the peace.  I can`t ever get defensive with him, I would never win.  He is the one with the street smarts and mostly good mental health, and I have to come to him bearing all my emotions and be vulnerable.  He doesn`t stop till he makes me take all the protection I have off, then I`m just me, this bare and open and sore and nothing left to hide, and just me, the way I am.

He demands everything from me, its like this all the time.  I have to go through hiding, then dread, then open everything up, its been tough but at the same time, I don`t think I would have achieved much growth without him.  And he doesn't even know it.

I try to tell him that I have to find myself.  He doesn`t know what that means.  He doesn`t know what an engulfing sociopath of a mother does to her daughter.  Its not like I can just start appreciating myself, its more like I have to go find myself first then appreciate myself, because before there was no self.

Actually, if you had an engulfer, you don't need to go find yourself.  You are there, you just have to relax into your true self.  When you do that all the armour you have will come off.  It needs to be done in a safe environment.  If you are in that state around a narcissist, you are just ringing the dinner bell.  If you are in an abusive relationship, this would be horrible for you.  Vulnerability will be dangerous for you and you can never relax into your true self.

I went through a lifetime of therapy, and I got no diagnosis.  It was hard, I felt blamed.  Whats so funny is that I had an MN friend tell me that I had a personality disorder.  I took that to my therapist, and my team of psychiatrists and they said I didn`t have any personality disorder.

I still think it was that relationship course I took that helped me unbury the truth.  Until then I was living a lie.  But it was many things too that opened it up.

I remember that last therapist I had that couldn't help me.  She went on and on about proving if this was true, was that true.  Because my thoughts and beliefs were screwed.  Real life exposures couldn't help me unbury.  Then along came this relationship course that actually unbrainwashed me.  You see, certain things had to go away first before anything else could go in.

I know I've said this before, "I'm enough."  I didn't realize that it would be hard when you haven't been through the course and your brain is still trying to filter through your parents screwed up crap. You see, someone needs to take those bad tormenting thoughts away from you first for you can access the pure and adulterated and delicious feeling of "I'm enough".

I know that might be hard to understand and we can't access it all the time, for surely we don't always feel like we are enough.  The fact is, that this statement comes without conditions.  You have to feel it, you have to own it, it doesn't matter what you are going through presently.  So some things had to go away in order to process and access that I'm enough no matter what.  It's not like something I had to grow to access it, it was an immediate thing I had to own now.  And always.  Until your sick of feeling like crap, you can get there.  It's like you have been driving this beat up old wreck and then someone hands you the keys to a brand new expensive car.  Of course you can drive it, but you are scared to.  You don't feel like you are entitled enough.  So where did your old beat up care go?   Its gone.  They took it away.  You are forced into your fancy car.  There is not much else to it.

 "I'm enough" is simple just a short phrase, you can learn to feel.  When that feeling came alive for me I could feel actual endorphins going off in my brain.

I could imagine that little girl I was.  Imagine is she had the freedom of this from day one?

But all the things I have been having to do seems a bit crazy to me.  Imagine, you have to go find yourself.  Say for instance that you have to go shopping for a certain outfit, the store is huge, and you have no direct way to find it.  You have to try everything on.  Even this blog, I wish I would just delete the whole embarrassing mess I've made of it.  So much stuff don't seem to be true to me anymore, I've grown past it.  But it was fact at one time, so it stays.  It is a testimony of someone who doesn't know who she is and this is what she had done.  Everything is an experiment.  Sometimes its fun, sometimes its not.

Lately, I`ve been experimenting with greeting my husband at the door with saying stuff like, "Oh I`ve missed you so much today.  How was your day.  I couldn`t wait for you to come back home."  Is this bullshit?

No cause I know he would call me on my bullshit, he always does.  He is happy to see me this way. Its cheesy as hell, while I know it is authentic, it is so much feeling that it scares me.  I`m too closed off to talk like this, so it is an experiment.  When the creepy crawly feelings come up, I just feel them.  But sometimes I get the heeby jeebys so bad from all this sweetness.  But I like it.  If I wasn't raised by a freak this is the way I would be in my life.  Crazy huh?

Back to making a dentist appointment.  I`m struggling with it, cause I am in no pain right now.   I was last night though.  Why would I do this to myself.  I know I`m being silly.  No, not silly.  It is this fear I have that my health is unwell.

Here is how the sociopath mother was after she came back into my life after a twenty year absence. She had many doctors appointments, and I had to transport her around.  "What`s wrong with your skin?  How come it looks all black?  That means something serious."  It wasn`t black.  But apparently she could see things that I couldn`t and a doctor needs to see my skin, as something is wrong.  I couldn't tell mother she was wrong.  Or, ``What is that on your neck?, You better go see a doctor, this could be something serious"  I had a little pimple on my neck.  I only had it for a day or so, and it went away.

Everytime I saw her she complained about something in regards to my well being.  She kept saying "this might be something serious, you should have it checked."  Some had thought this was caring.  Well, I guess it was too, therefore I must really be sick and dying and mother knows better.

I don`t know.   I`m trying to piece it together, and the whole thing isn`t making sense.  Why do I feel like I`m going to die or something.   I have no certainty left in my life.  I live one day at a time, scared I won`t see the next day.  Something can go wrong at any time, and its horrible.

So I have this husband now, who demands everything,  Everything has to come out.  Until then he talks very detached from his emotions.  He has said the stupidist things, at all the wrong times.  When I get emotional, only then he can understand.

I sent a message over to my relationship site owner, that I don`t know what I`d do without her.  She could have given me a million dollars and that wouldn`t even come close to helping me as much as she had done.  Its like she made her program just for me and my husband.  He is exactly what she talks about.  She sent me a message back and just laughs and calls me funny.  She doesn`t know, and I can`t explain it to her.

Before her, I literally was dying.  There was nothing left of me.  I was at the brink of an actual soul murder.  So just some unexplained thing happened, and I am ok.  Like a said a million dollars wouldn't have come close to helping me this much.

But I like how nothing in relationships confounds me anymore.  I don`t get confused, nothing.  When a situation comes up, and I feel like throwing things at him, I feel those emotions, travel back to authenticity and everything is great.

I have a pretty good sense of myself these days.  I`ll tell you a funny story, don`t laugh.

I made a desert for a church pot luck for a couple that`s moving away.  I was more than halfway to church when I realized I forgot it at home.  I was a few minutes early, so I decided to go to the grocery store and pick up a desert, and bring it to church.

When I got back home my husband was laughing over me forgetting the desert.  My god, this would have brought much shame to me at one time.  I just looked at the desert, and said I know, and just felt so silly, we both ended up laughing.  But not laughing at me, well sort of, but it was ok, I was in my safe environment, so its ok to laugh at these things.  I used to get so defensive.

He could be this sweet and kind caring fella.  Nothing is further from the truth.  But this seems to help me out better.  To grow.

I'm not condoning abuse here.  As long as you know that it is your safe environment you can make small the situation.  If he is a narcissist watch out.  If his teasing is a matter of belittling you watch out.  If he demands you to own his feelings, watch out, that is on the course of codependence.  A narc wants you to be codependent.  Don't ever own his feelings.  And remember this, you minimize situations, never feelings.  Ever.  That situation was entirely separate from who I am as a person.  If I was upset over his teasing, I would have told him so with real emotion.  If you are not allowed to feel the way you feel, watch out.  Not feeling your own feelings is codependence I think.

Its not like he doesn`t have his issues.  Just recently we had to get a new boat propellor.  He sat the prop on the floor of the truck and it made a muddy mess.  I moved the prop over and it really made a mess.  He started to clean it up, and I asked what he was doing as I couldn`t see the mess, it was over on the other side of me.  He said, ``You made a mess, I have to clean it up.``

I said, "Oh".

Nothing more was being said and I saw the look on his face, it was so sad.  You see, in his former marriage, someone was always to blame, and I knew he was trying to make sure that he wasn`t being blamed here.  I understood this for a long time.  I let it pass into nothingness, as that is what it was, that way he will feel safe.  I can`t reassure him, he is the type to take offense to that, I have to let it pass, and not make it a big deal.

Reassuring him would have made me his mother.  He would have felt angry over that.  He has a good mother, I don't need to do that.  If a guy needs constant reassurance it is a danger I think.  Just let things go, trust he can handle it.  Reassuring him that he was not blamed for anything and neither was I, is true but it was kinda redundant.  It can go without saying.  Just live it.

We don't have to explain everything like it will make a difference.  Live the situation, no one was to blame, that is all.  Nothing needs to be said.

In that way it also helps me grow.  Talking to him is like talking to a wall sometimes.  I can't get through.  This forces me to live by actions, not by words.  This has been so valuable for me.

While I wish he was different and completely whole, this actually gives me a chance to practice my own emotional resources.  I remember from my relationship site, "It is important to never feel blamed."  This was a powerful one for me.  For me to give him the confidence, I have to never feel blamed for anything, because I know he tends to go there, and that is where his feelings really do come out.  I have to override everything by not getting defensive.  I start that by never feeling blamed.

One time I wanted to blast him out.  I was pouring water into the coffeemaker one morning and I spilled some water.  I was kinda angry with the situation and mumbled something loudly to myself.  Well, he was upstairs, and he yelled downstairs and asked what happened.  I told him I spilled the water.

He said, "It wasn't my fault."  :/

I didn't say anything.

When he's getting upset over this blame thing, and it is the silliest things in life that seem to make it always happen, I don't own his feelings.  I'm not demeaning his feelings, but I'm not into them either. I have my own body and my own mind that I get to take with me everywhere I go.  So when he gets upset, he's feeling like he is about to feel blamed, I just say a small, "oh", then it goes away.

This is doable for me but not always easy.  So what if he is blaming me?  So what?  Does that mean I have to feel blamed?  No, of course not, I minimize the situation, not his feelings.  Then it goes away.

Big big tests come along with this one.  But I can do it.  I get to see who I really am.  I remember something that happened last winter that we are still laughing about.  Its so funny.

We were trying to go to town after a bad snowstorm.  He had to clean the road before we went anywhere, and he asked me to clean the vehicle off and shovel the walkway while he was out doing so.  When he got back he found the vehicle half cleaned off, and with a purse and scarf and shovel on the vehicle.  He came back into the house and saw me writing.  Lol.  Explanation was that I had to come into the house for a drink, I was thirsty, and I was on my way back outside when I noticed that someone had put up a new blog posting.

I explained exactly what happened.  I took on no defenses, and we both laughed, he got the vehicle cleaned off.  And he has never asked me again to clean off a vehicle.  Its so funny.

When I first got together with him, mother was still around so I was not even trying to find myself.  I was just spouting off the same old feminist ideals that mother carried.  I can take care of things like this no problem.  It was all lies, and I didn't know it.

Sometimes I don't think I would be the perfect wife.  To do things like that.  I just don`t like to do boring things is all.  I get distracted.  I know things are important to do.  Sometimes I just let things go though.  Its not all that bad.  I screw up, I get distracted, dinner is not on the table at the right time. If this is authentic or not, the journey continues.  I don't know.  That is where I'm at right now.  And he is able to do these hard things for me.

Its all ok.  Vulnerability is the key.  Not being a doormat.  Never look for approval.  He feels hurt over his past, I know it but it escapes his notice.  He just feels that he is blamed for everything and this takes him into defense mode.  He can go into tirades over it, I know he is just trying to push the blame away from him, and he does this by putting the blame on me, and he doesn`t notice this.  I combat this by never feeling blamed.  Then the whole thing goes away.

He used to go silent, almost a form of the old silent treatment you would get from a narc, but he does talk.  Just he`s hiding.  Men don`t like to feel blamed.  It goes against his biology, he has to be strong, a provider, he would never survive out in the wilderness by being blamed.  Its like a death sentence, not really, but it feels that way to him.  So I know that and it gives me a chance to grow emotional resources.

I have to minimize the situations, not the feelings.  Mother was an engulfer from hell.  I know that now.  I have no sense of myself.  I had such a hard time before.  I couldn't even be in the relationship I'm in right now if I didn't grow some emotional resources.  He, too, would find it very hard to find a woman who can do this like I do.  Not many can, or will, for the sake of all the rest of him being very good.  And he'll always talk from a place of detachment it seems.  But it doesn't matter to me.  I can deal with it.  Mother would call me weak and dependent, but I'm just being me.

Can I find myself?  Or rather, can I relax into my true self?  Can I make this dentist appointment? Am I going to grow the emotional resources to do so?  I think I may talk to my husband tonight about it. I know the whole thing will sound like silliness to him, and he brings it down.   He'll minimize the situation for me, not my feelings.

Another thing, lately I'm so changeable with this experimenting.  He has been getting annoyed and has told me so.  Its ok, this is a cue to really stay true to my core.  Its ok when he gets upset.  Or if I hurt him, he just doesn't understand.  Its ok, if you get angry at eachother.  I can't depend on conflict resolution and think every problem must be solved right now or ever.  That is an illusion that probably is the biggest mistake and probably the reason for marriages breaking up.

So he gets annoyed, the answer is to try to stay true to my core?  Yep.