My Lifetime of Poverty

Sorry, long post, but if you want to read about poverty, starvation, wife assault, and ACON abuse this is it.

When I entered the ACON online world, it came with a bang.  There was no feelings of normalcy there, it threw me for a loop.  There was such a huge difference between the day before my awakening and after, the turn around was 180 degrees.  I remember thinking, this can't be real.  I went to the liquor store and bought 4 marguaritas, drank three, then passed out on the couch.

Yes mother was a horrible person, no more denying that, but better than that there was a whole new world to explore.  Both those thoughts came together as one.  I learned too that poverty was real and I met, for what seemed to be for the first time of my life, some poor people.  I was wondering, "Where the heck have you guys been all my life."  There were never any poor people around me and I had been poorer than poor for most of my life.  With no one to hold my hand.

I feel so connected to the poor now.  I work at a food bank, and I can see the pain of poverty, and I try to do all I can to give comfort.  I know everything that is needed in that state.  They need a hot cup of tea, a place to sit down, a paper that they fill out.  I am proud to say that our clients fill out their own list of needs, not me.  "Do you need this, do you need that?"  To me that was the most degrading question.  I felt horrible all the time and degraded when I was a client.  And I never doubted that is what they wanted me to feel.  They seemed to probe for more degradation, demoralization.

Some people will tell you that there is no shame in being poor.  Really?  What planet are you on.  Of course there is shame, even from the one who is supposed to love you.  It makes you a low value person, very, very helpless and stupid.  Let's be realistic here.  Why didn't anyone actually connect to me?  Why did they sit all happy and tell me that and ask me a huge list of invasive questions.  Early on realized that you weren't allowed boundaries when your poor.

The first thing I did to change the food bank in my area in with asking the question of the clients, "Why are you here again?" Just stop asking that question, go make them a tea, and go get the food. That question is invasive, and traumatizing to someone is is already suffering a trauma.  Let it be.  I always hated that question.  And when I was in need I would lie about it if I had to.  I might still have some starchy food left in my cupboards, but I am not going to say that, in case they sent me home empty handed.  Their starches were always better.

I have been to the place where there was nothing in the cupboards.  On the verge of starvation. Absolutely nothing to eat at all.  Near dinnertime was a panic.  I have never been to a soup kitchen, but I got very clever with some random flour in the cupboard.  There is a bannock bread, just requiring flour and baking powder.  I've made a meal out of that.  Cornmeal, whatever.  I was always on my own, even when I had a husband.  Husband just expected his dinner, and was oblivious to what I would make it, or even cared.  Yes, seriously.  He ate the bannock bread and freaked if he didn't get enough syrup.

But really there is no shame in being poor.  It is a crampy feeling but yes its true.  It doesn't make us low value people either.  A high value person always has something to give in regards to emotional resources, and that is hard to find.  But try to hold on to your emotional resources when your in a state of poverty.  It is very hard.  It seemed to me that the really needy people were there ones who volunteered at the food bank.  They seemed to like to hear that I couldn't feed my family.  This is a rant.  They liked me to say that I couldn't feed my family.  They do not need to be asking invasive questions.  If you feel that you have to answer them in case you get no food, then lie to them whatever.  You have my permission to do so.  No one is going to take advantage of a food bank. Seriously, they walk for miles to carry back a couple of bags of food.  Even in the dead of winter. Even if they take advantage, of course those people do exist, they do not count in with the actual people who need it.  I seem to rant about the very people who are there to help.  But in my very honest opinion, yes, they are there to help, but sometimes I swear they glorify in it!

It seemed like my ex-husbands kept us poor too.  Abusive to the hilt and they didn't always need to be physical to abuse me.  I was afraid people here would think I left my ex's because they had no money, but that wasn't true at all.  In fact, if they were poor and loving, that would have been great.  If we were in this thing together, that would have changed everything.  Perhaps, I could have had my awakening a lot sooner.  I was never about the money.  In fact, when I got involved with my second ex, he said all we need is food on the table and I agreed.  Heck, was I stupid.  Food on the table, which mainly came from charity.  That's ok, he used to say, we have actually earned it.  And I thought we were in this together.  That I had a protector, a man, a true soul.

You know all that would be fine.  I would be great with it.  Food pantries, no problem.  Sure we were malnurished most of the time, but it would have been great to have someone hold my hand.  But, he was cruel.  To me and the children.  In fact, I remember everyone around me saying such a great guy he was.  We had friends we would go visiting.  For just one example of his abuse, he would order me to help a friend with taking out her garbage.  She was taking out her garbage as we were just walking in her house and he would tell me to take it from her and give her a hand.  I actually had the gumption to ask him why he would do this.  There is some things that just can't get past a hollowed out husk.  "Oh, its because you are selfish, you need to learn to not be selfish."  This was his way of teaching me I guess.  But it was abuse, plain and simple.

My first ex-husband would expect his dinner after partying with his friends.  He would steal the little bit of money I had,   I remember once I had a $100 in my purse.  I was excited that I was going to fill the freezer, the fridge and all the cupboards.  When I went to get the money out, only $40 remained. He admitted to taking some.  He thought he was good and behaved for not taking it all.  Then he beat the crap out of me for saying anything.  He went back to his party and left me unconscious on the floor with 2 little children playing in the livingroom.  When I woke up, I was grateful to God that they somehow managed to stay put.

My second ex-husband, well, he was "much better".  No partying, no drinking, he was better behaved and didn't hit me.  He just always threatened to.  But he slept all the time, well most of the time.  Or watching tv, or eating or masturbating or watching porn.  I got blamed for this because I was never there for him.  But I will admit I was closed off, I was in survival mode.  I'll tell you that when I get in survival mode, it isn't lovely.  I wasn't amazingly wonderful either.  But I was alone.  When he was up out of bed, or not watching tv, about cutting me down.  And all his cut downs were somehow "logical".  I have to admire the creative, ingenious way narcs are so logical.  That's why I said way back in the beginning don't trust your logic.  Trust your emotions.  If someone says something to me I don't feel good about, it doesn't matter how it sounds, just how it made me feel.

We were poor and he had no want of making anything better.  Or trying.  He never tried.  I can't excuse him for being poor because he didn't care or want more.  He seemed to wear the poverty as a trophy, as did my mother.  There was no consideration for eachother.  And I couldn't reach out to him either.  Who could reach out and hug a snake?  We weren't poor "together".  I needed togetherness but he wouldn't give it.  He was charming and everyone said he was wonderful.  His malignant narcissism made him a very charming person.  And me into the awful abuser because I expected him to try to get a job.

I'd obtain really great jobs, making piles of money, but I couldn't keep them.  I was a mess and it wouldn't take long for that to be discovered.  At first employers saw that I was smart and that I obtained an education in engineering.  Well, then the rest was horrible.  I had no ability to function as a normal person in a normal world.

Let me tell you something.  I met some real down to earth wonderful and actual poor people on line. These people had good educations too, but somehow we tend to walk around with holes in our gathering baskets. Unable to rise to the top.  This was all caused by an abusive childhood.  I realized right away I only loved my mother in theory, because I was supposed to.  The real authentic me couldn't stand that creep.

Yes, I have been poor most of my life.  I have earned up to $50 an hour.  Does that make sense?

I was a math whiz, I was the cream of the crop.  Mother was so jealous she destroyed it.  Who knows what advances I could have made in the world, that disgusting pig took it all.  (this is nothing against pigs, on the farm I knew they were wonderful mothers).  All for a whoring miserable twat.

Sigh, I wish I could just make a clean blog, I really do.

When I ran here to this man I'm with now(in survival mode) I could never have known what the heck I was getting myself into.  He could have been one evil bastard, and could have killed me.  In no way was I capable of having a good relationship.  I drew in only the con artists.  But I guess this time God showed me some mercy.

And no, he is not perfect.  In fact he can be hard at times.  If I am suffering from something, he seems to get to the heart of the issue.  When I cry about something, he gets quiet and listens for my next cue to tell him what to do.  And no one thinks he's a nice guy.  Awesome.  He is not a nice guy, he really isn't.

I'm darn proud of this treasure I found.  He is not poor but I would love him like crazy even if he was. The time I met him, he was going through his divorce, which he made sure his ex got next to nothing. Oh no.  This is a real a-hole.

I suppose he is.  He is a bit of an a-hole at times.  and I love it.  I have someone I can talk to and depend on.  Yes, his ex didn't take him for everything.  She said she was going to, she tried, she said she was going to take him for everything.  But all she did fell through.

And you know, my best MN ex friend told me, "Well, he's a bastard, imagine he will do the same to you, you don't have any control over this man, he is too strong."

Too strong?  Is that even possible.  Ok, he would do the same thing to me.  I know I have to be ok with that.  We can't have this sense of entitlement, its covered all over my relationship site.  In fact, everything is threatened by loss.  You can't have a relationship without a deep understanding of the man.  And that I do.  He's not the type to let someone take him for all he's got, he's not.  I wouldn't care if he was poor in fact, but I do want this guy regardless of anything.  Him, all of him, each and everyday and I get to have him.  I didn't get to have my ex's, I didn't.  I had no part of them.

He is my protector, he has shown me that in every way.  He even stands up to me, takes no crap from me.  I know I'm hypervigilante, I can't seem to function past that for now, but he knows when something is real from me or when it is not.  He has keen insight.  He knows when I'm trying to cover.  He also treats his subordinates at work with clear respect.  He's one of those who holds people accountable, he's someone to learn from.

My gosh, has he been such a gift to me.  He is a gift, I don't walk around feeling entitled.  His love is a gift and so is his very presence.  He gives me everything, I don't have no need to feel entitled about it.

All I want is everything, pure and simple.  But I had to earn this relationship it didn't come easy.  All he seems to really want is to be accepted and that I do.  We don't worry about bills or poverty, but if we did he would deprive himself to make sure that I had what I need.  He is like that.  Unlike the "sweet" guy.  I'm tired of the "sweet" guys.  He is not a sweet guy and I'm grateful for that.  That means he never is out for appearances, he never cares about that.  He does not see my vulnerability as something to trample on either.  He loves the truth.

As poor as stale dirt was I.  I remember the stigma of that, it still hurts to this day, and I can't escape it.  When you want something, you can't have it.  It would be a way my ex would call me selfish if ever I wanted something.  Throw it in my face the selfish word.  I have heard that word before and it made me behave.  I was brainwashed with it.  Even though we had state of the art tv sets and computers.  We sacrificed basic needs to have these.  He was in charge.  I remember not having any shampoo for weeks at a time.  Just used bar soap.  I have washed the laundry with  just plain water at times, no money for detergent.  My ex told me it was good for me, use my elbow grease to take out the stains.  BUT WE HAD A STATE OF THE ART SOUND SYSTEM, AND TV THOUGH, and cable tv, we coudn't afford.

Even now, its hard for me to get my needs met.  I can't just ask for things, and men don't understand anything that isn't direct talk.  "Take out the garbage,"  can't just say it stinks in the kitchen.  This is the trouble I go through now.  I've tried "hinting" at things, that never works.  I know normal women have this problem with men, ACON women, much worse, I think, at least for me because I was called selfish all my life.

He is a great man but I can moan and groan on the couch about something and he doesn't understand until I "spill the beans".  Oh, how I hate that.  It feels uncomfortable.  It's hard for me to speak, I told him that, and he understands.  But he doesn't.  I'm a little angry at him right now, so I don't want to say too much into that.

Mother always called me selfish, even for no reason.  It was always there and it burns a hole right through me.  There is one thing to be poor, and another thing when poverty is used against you.  I've had that happen to me always.  I've been hurt and screwed over because of it.

You know I couldn't hold down a job.  I didn't know why.  When I wasn't working I was in counselling, that was my life.  I always tried so hard, to no avail, till now.  Well, anyway, my ex's family used to bash me over it.  Never him, always me.  He would never stand up for me.  He would never take care of me, he would revel in their unkindness.  They might have held me at a higher standard than him but I really have to wonder if its because I was a target, an easy target.  How come there is a part of a hollowed out husk that still feels?  How come?   How come I never got used to it.

I think that's a gift now.  It's by feeling that I was able to find my way through.  Too bad, it took so long.  I blamed God.  How the heck could have let this happen?  I have worshipped him for all my life, and this seemed like a huge joke.

Nothing is worse than finding out you were a victim of emotional child abuse.  It was a horror, there is nothing worse than this.  I know my prayer times are unsteady, my bible reading is inconsistent, but I do try.  And I found out that ACON's have problems with simple things such as self care, brushing their teeth.  How could prayer and bible study be any different than self care?  But I was always blaming myself for these things.

What the heck did I do to deserve this?  Mother doesn't even deserve any form of existence, how come she exists?  Ok, let them be narcs, but don't let them raise children.  I think of my youngest daughter and its just a blur.

My good FOO was only a figment of my imagination.  If I realized that as a child I would have seen the truth.  It was easier to believe lies.  no, it wasn't easier to believe lies, lies were what I was taught. Mother was the only one screaming in our household though, we weren't a whole household of narcs.

God is actually trying to tell me why it is this way.  Maybe I'm not ready to listen just yet.  I think He still wants me to grieve it some more.  But how the heck could I have lived a life of being blamed, and never having control over it.

I know there will come a day when we are all in heaven and all is said and done, and it won't matter a million years into eternity who the heck my parents were.  But for me, and now, this sucks.  I never stopped believing in God and all He is capable of so we'll see what He does.

Ok, I do forgive God, not that He needs my forgiveness, because in His way and in His time he will even this all out.

So anyway, back to poverty.  I've been hurt by it, cast aside by others by it, had an ex MN friend who loved me in poverty.  So did my mother.  She told me all the time, I would be poor all my life. Really mother? She seemed to enjoy saying that.  She never had any intention but to see me spend my life in anything but poverty or killed by an abusive man.  She set me up for life.  I realize she is a murderer although she didn't get it accomplished.  It would have happened.  Maybe that is what God wanted to show me, that He kept me alive, I don't know.

Even though I spent most of my life malnourished from poverty, I seem to have excellent health.  Ok, maybe that is one consolation.  Not all ACON's have that though.  Some have to face a lifelong illness and poverty.  Some have someone to hold through it, some don't.

A life of poverty takes it's toll.  I would like to say that "we" struggled through tough times, but I never had a "we".  It was always up to me to figure out how to put food on the table, I never had a man.  Nowadays, if the tv or computer konks out, I do NOTHING.  Yay, I never wanted to be the independent woman.  I want that to be taken care of for me.  It kinda feels like being treated like a queen.  Before with my ex's it was all up to me.  I was expected to be independent.

I didn't plan on being poor, it was all a set up.  I think that if you are an ACON and you are poor, your parents set it up this way, just as surely as they set the table.  How do you find your way out of it?  I don't know.  I have no answers.  I would like to set up a program, and try to figure it out for everyone.

I was set up to fail in life, even to die.  The bitch didn't win. (ok I know I want a clean blog, I might start posting recipes of cupcakes soon, just kidding.)