Momma's Needs

It's turned cold early and the leaves are already starting to turn, and so fishing maybe over early this year.

I have trouble accepting that as I have trouble accepting most things in life, and I've been trying to figure out why. Truth is that I can't see what's real in front of my eyes. I was, for the longest time, trying to rationalize my mother's bad behavior because I thought that would make me feel better, but I still hurt. I was just running around in circles trying to repair the damage to no avail. When reality takes hold, I just go crazy, I want what's not real so much I will damage myself to get it. The other night out on the lake gave me a chance to see reality without it not being so painful. But it was painful, because it has gotten cold fast. I bundled up warm and pretended to feel like summer is still here. I tend to rationalize this and that, allowing bad behaviour in people, thus causing good people to distrust me.

Another thing I do is keep everything under wraps and try to be so strong that I can't get my own needs met, its like I don't have needs or I shouldn't have needs, because it would hurt the other person. I believed that when they are hurting me because I trespassed against them so I deserved it. This is life in dealing with a narcissist. You can't have needs because they view you as sub-human and they won't be there for you. As a mirror you only have one job and this is to make them look and feel good. Regardless, I still have needs though and the narcissist doesn't mind that, just don't voice them.

But when I'm dealing with a normal person who is not an MN, I run into a brick wall. I can't expose my own needs to them its like I'm trespassing too and its hard. They see the lies I tell to cover up, the non-chalante ways in my behaviour. I screw it all up. It's no wonder ACON's have so much trouble with relationships, because in order to relate you have to be vulnerable. People who are not narcissists thrive in an environment of give and take. They can handle others needs and want to give freely. This isn't about trust, I trusted everyone but myself. This is for getting our needs met. I can tell you my needs were never met, no one knew what they were so I would just be miserable. For the longest time, before I had awaken, I was trying to be invulnerable to everyone, and doing a horrible job at it. For ACON's the word vulnerability spells disaster, I think. But taking it away robs us of our true selves. To appear open and helpless to another person is difficult when your used to having it all used against you to torment you. You can't ask for something, or even need something.  But how do we get our needs met without being vulnerable? How do I get into good solid relationships with others? No one, I would deem worthwhile would ever see me as anything but a freak the way I was going. So to me, its a risk everyone needs to take and be vulnerable, and we mustn't allow the MN to take that away along with everything else. To me this is a tragedy. If my mother were to call here, my husband would be right there by my side or the first to pick up the phone, because he has seen my vulnerability to her and he's ready for it. Or a friend, a real friend, would help out and be there for you, not the MN friends I've had. But if we are closed up and invulnerable, who is going to be there for us? I'm not ready to be suspicious of everyone, I want to learn better ways and hopefully that will come to pass.

I have been afraid to tell other ACON's my mother is illiterate, for they may tell me she is justified in being an MN. There I said it. Out of that I feel a mean, spiteful me that doesn't even exist. "You are mean, Joan, hateful and spiteful that is why you are having such a hard time in life. You have got to learn to accept other people, you are not perfect yourself." That is what I hear in my head, that is what I've been told and that is the narcissist training. Also, mother needs to be accepted because she can't read or write. There now, I dealt with the vulnerability. I hope to be completely open and honest, and I will recognize when I'm not, its because I am trying to cover.

I always had to deal with mother's illiteracy, even from an early age, unlike my brother's and sister. "I want to read it", became my mantra to everyone, if mother was approached with reading a letter or passage. I jumped with a "I wanna, I wanna", So she would let me read it to her. When we were out I always stayed near her in case I'm needed for reading. Ok, the shame now, you can tell me "Weeeelll, if you wanted to, what the hell is your problem?" Did I want to? I was struggling in school, staring around suffering from PTSD. But, around mother I was a different kid. Always eager to make sure no one would find out she couldn't read, so what was my motivations in helping her?

Thinking back to that time I felt sorry for her. She wore rags, but made sure we were dressed well. She told me the teachers at school said we were well dressed. She had only a few rags to wear. She cooked and cleaned perfectly. I was so horrible as a person that I had a hard time getting along with the other kids in school. They always wanted what I had. They would always ask for my things and I would give them away. Mom used to say I lost everything, but that wasn't the truth. Or she said I gave it away because I wanted them to like me, but that was sort of true, but not the whole truth. I had grappled with the truth. I always hid the truth even from myself. And the teasing in school, I would never talk about at home. I had a best friend throughout grade school, but I worked on projects alone, I never had a partner. She was only my friend for her needs.  Everyone thought I was weird. We used to play baseball at recess. When I was up batting, a girl said I had to lend my baseball mitt to a boy playing outfielder. This was one time I said no. The girl called me prejudice because the boy was native Indian. I said nothing. She told me to keep my glove, I thought good. But still I didn't say anything. The truth was the boy picked his nose and that grossed me out. I didn't want to share my glove with him. But I kept it to myself.  It was because I could see anger in her face, so I shut down.  I noticed the anger in everyone, and watched out for it.

I never told my mother any of this, in fact I would insist I was doing well in school because she had too many problems and I didn't want to burden her. I was always scared. One time when we were playing tag and someone tagged me kinda rough, I burst out crying, I was so scared. The teacher was alerted of this and I was brought in but I couldn't stop crying. I had pains in my tummy. Fear ruled my life and it still does.

But I am going down a rabbit hole, I'll try to get back to that in another posting. This is just a babystep.

 I had to come to some kind of feeling about mother's illiteracy because it is the fair thing to do, because I'm a fair minded person and I came to a conclusion very fast.  She is psycho and there is no explanation for it.  But before I go there, I do understand that illiteracy does give a person more challenges in life when it comes to making choices.  I could go into a long list of studies done on it, I had done some research, but it gives no one the right to abuse in such an insidious manner, or in any manner.  So it doesn't matter, because a lot of people can't read and write either, and if this is the cause for psychologicals,  then wonderful, I would head over to her place right now, open a book and begin teaching her and we would have tea and crumpets and sing and dance.  Then I would come home and close the blog, everything will be done.  No.

This is a woman, who in her day was able to chop down a tree with an axe, dig a well and make any big tough man which he had her biceps.  She was tall and strong, we were afraid just looking at her, because her eyes could certainly make you cry out for mercy (good luck with that).  She could work like a man and cook and clean perfectly.  All our socks were washed twice, inside then outside.  The whites stayed white.  She baked a cake on Sundays.  Looked after the farm.  Yeah, I was confused too.  Don't sound like a bad person does she?

So what can I say as someone who loves to open the pages of a book and scan through its contents, it seems unfair that I would say such stuff about my mother who can't read and write.  The words in the movie Ever After were painful to hear, basically saying uneducated means you are a criminal.  Narcs are criminals, that is my viewpoint, so is that what had caused her malignant narcissism?  Ok, so lets say it did cause her to be MN.  Then my life doesn't really matter, only hers did, because she was illiterate then it was ok to do the horrible things she has done.  As of now, I'm still afraid, still buried alive by the damage.  My children too, I wasn't able to give them everything I could, not a good father, decent life, hockey for my son, no none of this.  I worked hard, but everything I did fell apart.  It was my intention to give them everything.  Now that they are grown, its still hard for them sometimes, as it is for me, but they don't have PTSD.  I thank God everyday for that.  And I don't care if being illiterate caused her soul to deteriorate.  I know what normal illiterate people are like, and they are human in every sense of the word.

I had been an advocate for illiteracy, teaching adults how to read and write and simple math skills.  It was hard at times, and they faced frustration.  My mother can't ever face frustration.  And you know, sometimes I thought that was a mental illness, but I have seen her change her behavior so fast it would make your head spin, usually when someone walked into the room. A mental illness can't explain the horrible things she has done, and its not a nice way to treat the mentally ill comparing them to a MN.

She explained to us why she couldn't read and write, and these were her exact words, "We had no teachers, so the school board went and found the drunkest person they could find and hire them to teach in the classroom."  And, "We had to walk bare feet in the snow for many miles to get to school."  Never mind others in her family could read and write, however she had one brother who was also illiterate.

Illiteracy happens even today, and those kids do have trouble, they get into drugs, or drink and get involved with the wrong type of friends.  Anything that is self-destructive.  My mother mastered the art of self-preservation, and she even tried through mind control to turn me into a drunken prostitute, which never happened, thank God.  I'll get into that in another posting, the details of that is crazy, I'll probably have it in my drafts for bit longer.  For someone who was so helpless by being illiterate she knows how to be a creep.  She uses mind control, manipulation, hypnotizing, triangulation etc. with complete accuracy.   I am a strong advocate for helping people, my volunteer activities keep me sane and happy.  And I really can understand the needs of people and I sure wouldn't be bashing my mother if learning to read and write was going to change her. I wish that were the case, but she would have to be human in the first place.

Someone might say, teach her, and see what happens.  But I too am now mastering the art of self-preservation  There is not one iota of humanity in that pile of miserable flesh.  She doesn't exist without the evil, that I am so sure of. When I was little, before I was able to even think, she took advantage and she took full control of me she demanded the price of my soul and I had no choice but to give it all up, and I got nothing back, she took it all and then tried to end my life.  She tried to teach me to clam up and don't say anything , now go crazy and die.

That didn't happen.  So I'm never going to shut up, I'll keep talking while there is breath in me. There is no excuse for a malignant narcissist. They have full intentions to destroy anyone they can. In my last posting, I discussed they will make you feel horrible by wiping their own dirt on you. Seemingly perfect but perfectly diabolical there is no peace with a narcissist. You can't give them anything, because to them, everything belongs to them, you have no right even to your own self. Your self does not exist without them, and as surely they will use anything against you. My mother used her illiteracy against me. She used it like a tool, why would she want to learn to read and write? I like Lisette's article, "MN, Death Personified" in "House of Mirrors".  It explains in great detail of the killing mechanisms of a MN.

I am an emotional person, and I think I have been since birth. My mother used it and had gotten away with it in front of others because they would just say I was just emotional. Like its a bad thing, it really creeps me out how some people can be so stupid. Anything to get along with an MN, anything. Just read "500 pounds Peep blog" her latest articles covers this. And you know, if you feel so intelligent that you can reverse a MN then think again. They take innocence and destroy it, that is what my poor illiterate mother did, because she was illiterate? No, because she was a freak.

Narcissists and Boundaries

Recently we had a conversation at q1605 at RumblestripQ post "Just Because" and I was saying that some narcs are not dirty buggers and I had a friend that was a narc and so clean she squeaks. But my mind has been busy thinking and now I believe they are all dirty buggers.

So we had a no boundary family. If you took a bath with the door open, you made momma happy, if you closed the door then it was because you "don't want anybody to see your....,ohhhhhh". And this was said in the most demeaning manner possible. After I got older, I must admit I was the only one who fought this, and insisted I close the door. So momma got tired of fighting me so she did the most dirty and disgusting thing ever. She would enter the bathroom and go pee then check her pee and pee parts, well you see, it was disgusting. This was to keep me from having a separate identity, I was property and I mustn't ever forget it. I could never be this open and it never dawned on MN mother that maybe her child was not like her. No cause I was to play the mirror, nothing else, and this pissed her right off. I always had an issue with this, and the torture of feeling like I was not like the others was horrendous.

When I became an adult, she would come for visits, usually doctors appointments she had to go to and I lived in the city. It was my apartment but you think I could make the rules? No such thing. I still remember this one horrible day, when she pulled down her pants at the dinnertable in front of me and my children. All day long she was playing on my nerves about something my dad had done to her years ago. My children were very grossed out at the sight, and asked her why she did it. She just wanted to change her clothes so started stripping at the dinnertable, no big deal.

There is also my brother's wife who was the complete opposite. I spent a few days there years ago and every evening all I could her was her barking at her daughters to close their housecoats. "Your housecoat is opening, check your housecoat, be careful your housecoat don't let it open". Hour after hour, and constantly over and over again, night after night. They had nightgowns under their housecoats and there was only family around so what the hell was up? The girls were 9 and 12 years old. Also I remember a painful look on the girls face and the smirk of my sister-in-law. I was so sad seeing one of the girls faces, it was painful to watch. I don't even remember how it was for my kids, the whole visit was a nightmare.

It was Christmastime for my visit, and when her daughters didn't pick up their toys, she threatened to throw them in the garbage. Why not tell them to just pick them up? Too normal? She was all about threats and commands. And sadism. I know at Christmas with children its hard to get the mess picked up, and maybe I would have liked to bark out orders too, but love has got to be part of the equation. We don't have the right to make others, even our own children, feel badly. That is crossing a boundary of respect. I don't know how my nieces too well. We are not associated with them. My husband and I recently tried to plan a trip to see them (they live 4 hours away) but the plans got cancelled. My brother and his wife decided to do something else at the last minute, curtailing any chances of us making any other plans for our holidays. My husband didn't take this well, he's not used to being the scapegoat and he refuses to play the role. But I am the scapegoat, and its hard in relationships when you didn't learn respect at an early age. I'm glad he is not a narcissist, but he still can play on my emotions even if it is by accident or a joke took wrongly by me. He understands when I'm being authentic, but its hard not to try to hide and say its okay when its not. We have been together for 4 years now and so its still so new.

I had a narcissistic friend and she had the same rules. Even at their pool the girls had to cover up not just wear a bathing suit. She watched constantly to see if they were. She worked for Child Welfare, so she knew what she was doing (don't question a narcissist). I was wondering what law was in place about this, but I didn't dare ask. I knew the answer, she was just being controlling and had her little slaves in place so all was good in her world.

You don't go visit a narcissist, you become a slave. You do as your told, they have rules (insane rules). I had to spend every evening at my brother's in my clothes in case my pajamas were too revealing, I didn't have a housecoat so I didn't want to cross that line. My brother is not the man of the house, she is and he even has to ask if he wants to open the fridge, I saw it!!!!! I was apalled. The whole thing was disgusting, I have old fashioned values, and this woman made me feel like the nastiest person on the planet. They all make you feel that way, horrible, indecent, you have rules to follow (theirs), and whatever you do without their permission is nasty.

They are sexual just the same as my mother. I felt so horrible, for what she did was sexualize her daughters by being "decent". I don't know how to explain it, they were not treated as children, but dirty little whores that needed to be covered. And, there are no boundaries with this. The girls bodies were not their own.

So they are all predators. Disgusting horrible creatures, why would anyone want to be around them. They are so despicable they will force you to accept their will. Pretending to be prudent my sister-in-law and my friend both expose their disgusting side. They were torturing their kids making them feel bad for no reason. They all do that. And they expect you to comply while you are in their house. Don't go to their house, stay away, keep your kids away, they are dangerous and disgusting and any time spent with them will be hell. They are all about control, and they will force you to give it to them.

When my son was little I brought him to his little friends birthday party. The mom invited me to join the party, as there were going to be adults at the party too. There was a pool and everyone was enjoying themselves, the ladies were sitting in their swimsuits, no cover on, and the boy's sixteen year old sister was wearing a bikini and stayed the day in that. This was a swimming pool and dressing in swimwear with no coverage is normal.

I had a wonderful afternoon, what normal people. There was not one narcissist in the whole group. Everyone was accepting, and its hard for me to feel that good in a large group. I don't think I've never seen normal people before. And I'm sure that sixteen year old dresses in regular clothes for different occasions. But if you listen to a narcissist tell it, they would probably tell you that those people are naked all the time.

Both my mother and the prudent narcs are the same. They are dirty and disgusting and have no sense of humanity.

I think this boundary thing has caused me to fail to connect with people. So when I got around others I was hard, cold, and very cerebral (in reality just completely terrified of rejection). But its funny that I always knew what normal was, but I didn't feel normal, because of my MN mother. And getting around others could very easily show them that I was weird. To feel normal again I think I have to learn to accept the truth about my upbringing, and write this blog. When I'm around others I'm so self focused that I'm not paying attention to them so I'm basically rejecting them. This is horrible. Plus too, it was also the terrible way my mother used to feed that has caused me to be this way. Since I was thinking some narcs were clean I wanted to expand on that for now. Learning what caused me to be so self focused is going to go a long way into my life. I think we will always make mistakes and this is not so bad. I will go forward and make those mistakes and not focus on myself so much anymore. I am actually very interested in people, so I am not going to make everything about trying to control how things turn out. I don't have that much control anyway, so instead I'm going to focus on being and bringing my highest value self. I am at my best when I get to forget about myself and have a conversation and get to learn about someone.

So no boundaries was part 1 of this. There might be more causes but I hope to discover that as I go along.

Oh another thing, my sister-in-law is a grandmother now. We went to see them a couple of years ago, she called her daughter to visit with her granddaughter. When they arrived, she sat the 6 year old in tall stool and stood there and stared and coo at her granddaughter like no one else was in the room, for most of the time. This was all for show, how good of a grandmother she was. She could visit her granddaughter anytime but it was important to impress upon us that she was all about her granddaughter so just stare and look and know I'm a great grandmother.

You are Mine!!!!!

This is exactly what my mother used to tell me all the time. "You are mine".  I got used to hearing it probably from the time I was born.  And now when I'm thinking it, it was followed by that hideous smirk.  The one you see that makes you cringe on the inside but you know its okay cause mommy only loves you.  I might be sarcastic in my blog, but that's me.  Oh, and also she liked to mention that she feeds me, otherwise I'd be dead, so remember that.  Without eating, there would be no me, so get used to it, and she provides the food so you are only a possession, to do with as she pleases.  Never mind that dad was the one who bought the groceries and she didn't work, but okay, whatever.  She only added that part in sometimes, I think its because a MN has limited energy, and need to spend most of their time feeding, not explaining things.  You are mine is so much easier to say.

So, here is the malignant narcissist reasoning.  You don't exist without them, keep that in mind as you go about your life.  And come to think of it, I don't know why mother needed to give any reasoning.  And it was not like I could even understand what she was saying before I was not even able to walk.  I say that because it seems to be always with me, what she said about me being dead.

But let's see now, we have dog owner's, cat owner's, home owner's, just about everything in this world you can own, so why in hell would you want to own a child?  You can torture a dog or a cat (sorry, I'm not trying to be horrible here, but to make a point), you can trash your home and tear it down if you like.  So why a human child?  The answer is simple, these sub-humans need to feed on narcissistic supply.  There is not better no easier way to get it.  It's their drug of choice.  Torture a human, and they feel really good. Torture a human child and you have a captive source of supply for life. One that can't fight back. You own them, you get to do what you want to with them, its that simple.  Until, the child awakens and realizes mommy was only a blood-sucking waste of human life.

Omg, that was so sick typing that, I almost wanted to heave.  And I can't even imagine what goes on in their demented minds the rest of the time they are not feeding.  I know I was not given any choices as a child. I don't think dad noticed her predatory ways, but it did affect him after awhile (that's for another time).  Dad bought me a pony when i was 10, and no one else in my school had a pony.  I was happy and felt quite privileged.  I used to ride that pony, and sing this song:

Early one morning, just as the sun was rising,

I heard a robin sing in the valley below. 

So one day, I went running in the house, and mom was there, she was laughing all to herself.  I asked her what was so funny, she said, "Oh, I guess you didn't hear me, I said you are wearing out the horse to give your lazy ass a ride".  Then she continued laughing.  All to herself she was laughing.  Okay, I guess I missed the joke.  From then on, I couldn't seem to get that peaceful feeling back about riding the pony, I just couldn't and the song was gone from my heart.  I rode after that but somehow, not the same anymore.  

I guess it's because I was owned and it was not a good thing for her to see me happy.  It wasn't feeding her supply, which is what she needed.  How creative of her to come up with such a line.  You know I have to give her credit for that.  And now, when I think of it, I really needed her approval after that for anything I tried, which I never got.  She wanted me to appreciate her sense of humor, which I really tried to do.  "Oh, its so funny".  And come to think of it, every malignant narcissist I have ever known has that "sense of humor" too.  And its disgusting.

You are mine, are words to me that I'll never want to hear again.  For the longest time I was told by my aunt (her sister) that was because mother loved me so much that "you are mine" is the only way she can describe her overwhelming love.  

But getting back to that dog, cat or homeowner.  You might own them, but would you ever want to destroy them?  Would a morally sane human want to be so destructive?

Don't you want to keep your possession as long as you can?  I heard of some pet owner's practically spending their entire living tending to their animal.  That is what is in their hearts.  What is in the heart of a malignant narcissist?

Memory versus The Truth

As of such, reality seems to really take over these days.  When I go back over my memories, I tend to pick out only the good ones.  My mother making me hot chocolate.  The wonderful summer holidays.  School days and I tried hard to pick out what to wear.  And we had fun and we had horses and winter was snow machines and evenings with the neighbours?

Does it feel like that to you?  

And does it now feel like you have had PTSD all your life, and have trouble coping with life?  So how did that happen?  How did I get so sick?  I was always sore and in pain, my shoulders have tension at just the littlest task.  Sometimes its so hard to think straight, and being on task is an issue.  

There is another story, and I have been told it was Covert Narcissism.  All this wonderful stuff was programmed into my brain for remembrance, all the while something else was happening.  No horror movie can tell the story as an ACON.  And then lots of memories came up, actually one in particular came up that started it all.  My mother told me three years ago that she enjoyed to see me miserable.  

So long story short (for now) I feel I have been overwhelming the ACON bloggers with my comments.  And it has been wonderful to rely on them.  I feel like I came into the ACON world with horns blaring, and they have been kind, educated me, gave me a lift up.  I woke up into reality of my malignant narcissistic mother 2 months ago, and I hope to help others and tell my story.  She is malignant because she is a feeder predator.  She'll take over your mind if you let her.  She tried in every way to destroy my life, ie kill me.  I have no doubt about that now. I'll never need to know what it is like to be around her anymore, for I'll never see her again.  And I know this will never bother her, because she doesn't care.

Ok, she does care about the feeding process, and that is disgusting.  Ok, so this my dedication page to my mother.