Does it feel like that to you?
And does it now feel like you have had PTSD all your life, and have trouble coping with life? So how did that happen? How did I get so sick? I was always sore and in pain, my shoulders have tension at just the littlest task. Sometimes its so hard to think straight, and being on task is an issue.
There is another story, and I have been told it was Covert Narcissism. All this wonderful stuff was programmed into my brain for remembrance, all the while something else was happening. No horror movie can tell the story as an ACON. And then lots of memories came up, actually one in particular came up that started it all. My mother told me three years ago that she enjoyed to see me miserable.
So long story short (for now) I feel I have been overwhelming the ACON bloggers with my comments. And it has been wonderful to rely on them. I feel like I came into the ACON world with horns blaring, and they have been kind, educated me, gave me a lift up. I woke up into reality of my malignant narcissistic mother 2 months ago, and I hope to help others and tell my story. She is malignant because she is a feeder predator. She'll take over your mind if you let her. She tried in every way to destroy my life, ie kill me. I have no doubt about that now. I'll never need to know what it is like to be around her anymore, for I'll never see her again. And I know this will never bother her, because she doesn't care.
Ok, she does care about the feeding process, and that is disgusting. Ok, so this my dedication page to my mother.
Pretty good inaugural post there Joan. I really hate how the bad memories of life with a disordered person blends in with the good ones they are not responsible for. Sort of like having a 100 dollar bill wrapped around a bunch of singles. You think there is something of value there. But when you pull the facade off it's just a bunch of ones. As soon as I can gather a handful of the small decencies I was shown by my normal family members some memory of her scatters them like a fox scatters hens in the chicken coop.
ReplyDeleteIt's exactly like that. And that is why we take the blame ourselves and we do everything we can to try to survive and never knowing the difficulties that we got ourselves into were actually programmed right into us since birth.
ReplyDeleteThat is the meaning of the word insidious.
I ain't getting any younger and at this age I look back and it makes my whole life seem like a charade. Everything good, and everything bad, every memory, every victory, every defeat is all tinged with that mocking smirk she got as she yanked the rug out from under us yet again.
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ReplyDeleteI will definitely do a posting all about that smirk, its crazy, not even a smile.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm even panicky over doing this blog and there is so much to do computer wise and I have 2 accounts now, I'm scared. I have to tell myself its alright and I will get used to it. A normal person would be scared, but for an ACON its pure terror. My God, I hate narcissists so much for programming me.
I want the anger to override the fear.
If I were you I would enable comment moderation. If you don't, every ass hat who stumbles across your blog will sound off with crap you don't need to be hearing yet.
ReplyDeleteI will definitely have to do that, thanks Q.
ReplyDeleteBy the time my idiot younger brother was "directed" to my blog, it was a relief. Put your truth out there. It will set you free. I even speak my truth to audiences now. Scared the crap out of me the 1st time now I enjoy doing it.
ReplyDeleteBlog on!
Oh, I want to speak to audiences too.
ReplyDeleteBut, yeah, I already do feel a lot better, thank you. thank you mulderfan
My anger finally overcame the fear, although like you said, PTSD to all manner of things still exists. My dentist is always commenting on how badly I grind my teeth and I perpetually have neck/shoulder issues to the point that I now have nerve damage. Yay.
ReplyDeleteI no longer communicate with my parents, and it's been a giant relief. Welcome to the ACoN blogging world. Q sent me your way.
Thanks Pandora. I"m sorry to hear you have nerve damage though, that's just awful. I'm so shocked so many of us have been affected permanently by freaks. I am learning to welcome the anger as part of a process of feeling better. And I appreciate Q's help in getting me started.
ReplyDeleteCan someone help me understand of legalities and crap like that. I haven't been able to post any pictures, or videos or stuff. It is affecting my PTSD, what do you all do?
I think we ACoNs go through the stages of grief. The 1st being denial where we made excuses for or tried to understand our abusers. Next comes the anger. I'm in the final stage which is acceptance. I accept my parents exactly as they are, knowing that acceptance and approval are not synonymous. Also, acceptance doesn't mean I have to have any kind of relationship with them. They are happy and perfect just the way they are, which has to be true because they told me so!
DeleteAnger credits the blame to where it belongs, back on her. I feel like I'm releasing the guilt I had felt before. Acceptance is a good one, where some level of comfort is reached (I guess and I hope), Denial was kinda weird, like I was in a strange universe and everything was turning upside down.
ReplyDeleteMy light went on last year. It was incredible, the black and white world I lived in (They are good, I am unloveable) was suddenly infused with color. Shortly after the anger hit, I was no longer in denial and I was furious. I gave myself permission to rage out loud in the privacy of my safe home. It was scary to me because I had been taught that anger is bad and I received a ton of reinforcement growing up for being "quick to forgive". Which I know now was a manipulation to get me to deny my emotions, and it worked because I was proud of that if fact if I asked I would have said it was one of my strengths not realizing how damaging it was and would be to my well being . The twisted mind games that are part of their "training" regimen are beyond the comprehension of 'normal' minds. They love to use our normalcy against us and call it weakness. I have moved past rage and am at acceptance however I do have to interact with them from time to time and accepting it doesn't mean I'm safe. I am hypervigilant in all areas of my life and wish I could let it go, but the truth is I have to be to stay safe and it doesn't seem possible to let it go in some areas and not in others. I am spending a ton of time in root cause analysis re my feelings and learning (and it's slow going) to separate wheat from the chaff. Paranoia is part of me for food reason but it doesn't mean paranoia is justified in all areas. If you know what I mean? Long story short it's not easy as much as I would love it to be but I will take a multicoloured, complex world over a black and white prison thank you very much. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's amazing to me how alike our stories all are. Those character disordered soul vampires are more alike than different, there's a strange comfort in that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know which ACON I was reading from, probably all of them, but paranoia is good no matter what. I would rather be too judgmental than not.
ReplyDeleteIt is good you have come into the light. And my life experiences I'm glad you were enlightened. Your welcome and thank you too.
Good point. Paranoia is better than naïveté!
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