This is a stained glass quilt I made, it is finished now, and put together. This is the not quite finished project. It does have at least one mistake in it, that you can probably see. Oops, two mistakes that you can probably see. But its ok, I want to sell it, and make another, I don't need two.
My psychological condition has been diminished somewhat. I've tried my hand at working functionally again, and the feedback I got was very painful to take. Although it wasn't paid yet, the possibility of it turning into paid employment was a possibility. I wasn't going to get paid or hired on by my church camp. I can't talk about this anymore. But all my dreams of being functional and normal were dashed, and I'm afraid of that. I can't provide for myself.
It seems strange, I can work at the food bank, and I don't understand that, so how come I can't do anything else? Or at my sewing guild, not volunteer or working, I noticed that people there treat me like I'm a bomb ready to go off, or something.
All the while, I feel normal. I feel like I'm very normal doing whatever they tell me. I follow suit, I'm a very good worker, I'm told. Yeah, yeah, but I'm batshit crazy right? Try to tell people once they find out about me, that panic attacks won't go anywhere else, that I'm not going to fly to the moon or shoot anyone. What that is is all there is. A therapist once told me that, it doesn't get worse. That's all there is.
So why am I so broken? Are we so maimed that we can't put it all together, that somehow, with all my genius and brilliance, I can't? I can literally solve any mathematical equation, Well almost, I've taken quilting to new levels, even redesigning the designs. That is when I am in the quiet of my own sewing room and no one is watching me. I feel normal, so why do I get the feeling that I'm not normal? Normal to me is not what normal people call normal.
I understand that a lot of ACON's can work and lead normal lives that way. What I"m saying is that we are so different from eachother, we are individuals, with each our own unique ways on how the child abuse has affected us. I still don't think this is broken, I think its adjustment to a terrible childhood. Just like polar bears have adapted the insulated fur. Now if a polar bear tried to live anywhere else he would look strange. Imagine a polar bear in the state of Texas walking down the street. He still thinks he can catch seals, play around in the ice, but it simply is not the place for him. There is nothing wrong with him, he only needs to be up in the Arctic where he belongs.
Where do I belong? Back in the narcissistic househole? No way. It was that what had formed me. I am still a creation of God, and God has not forsaken me.
Needless to say I am back in therapy, for my issues, and I don't feel I can relate to any of the counsellors. They have me cornered, for I feel strongly that is not I who has the problem, my nervous system is reacting to the deep moral corruption.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. People like me, they really do. So that is separate from my issues. Learning that I was an ACON was a blessing, yes, but it also meant that now I had to watch and keep alert for I was a target.
I have a psyche community who will write me for anything. I have been pursuing a disability pension, but I can't for hubby makes too much. So, I don't know if you think that is right or wrong of me to do so, as we do have the monetary means without it, but I would like some independence, I feel so dependent on him. Given my complete and broken state, how much longer can he deal with me? Then I would be left with no means of support, dividing marital assets has not set anyone up for life, unless they are a millionaire. He is already putting others first, in regards to him thinking that they are more "sane" than I. Even if they are MN's or not. It leaves me in such a state that I'm doing things that maintain my "financial" status. I cannot work again. I'll never provide for myself, I don't look sane. And anything can trigger an attack, and I think I'm letting go of the fact that I can control it. Its funny, it doesn't happen in my volunteer activities, which I don't understand, but it does happen to me on the job. Go figure.
Lately, I have enjoyed the black history shows, including the new "Roots". It is not as valuable to me as was the older version, even if it is more "factual". For me it is about "feeling". I can't help but feel the older version gave a more real feeling of "freedom" than the new one. The new one, freedom is implied as "this is wrong", slavery is wrong, but "freedom" is to me more powerful.
And the show, "Book of Negroes," takes me back watching this young woman live a life, trying to be normal but nothing is. This is why I like Black History. To me, nothing is closer to living as an ACON. When I watch these shows, its like my own life played out. When I leave out the "black" issue, when I leave out a lot of things, and just think, what life was like for these women, not knowing when she'd be raped, sold off, killed, never knowing what would happen, but trying to live as normal as possible.
In the Book of Negroes, if you want to watch it, prepare yourself to fall in love with the character of "Amanita", or Mina for short. She made me feel strong again. And its only on once a week, and then its ended at the 6th episode. I know I'll feel sad when its over. Tonight is the 4th episode, and I'm already grieving over it.
So what is this thing about narcissism? Not that I'm trying to figure them out so much, but it never escapes my thoughts of how I was tormented by them all my life, and I sit back here now and think, WOW. That is all it was? I could have dealt with that a long time ago, by not blaming myself for anything they inflicted upon me. With that, I would have had a much better life.
Thanks to Peep from her blog, she gave me some very good advice. She told me to check out vocational rehab, so I did. Its about working and having a job with a disability, and they do that.
The only problem is, that I have working in something that accepts my disability, it was from one experience I had a long time ago, and it was very bad. I worked in the mental health field for such a short time for a member there had been in prison for a long time. He had the compassion of the people there, and when I first saw him, I saw the psychopath of all psychopaths, who could play the game very well.
I'm not saying that all people who went to jail are psychopaths. Some are very good souls. But some are the non-souls and I can tell the difference. Even if they are faking, I can tell. I don't know how to explain that, but its in my body, I can feel it. That is when I can seriously lose control of myself. I have to be careful with former prisoner inmates, and if I find one that triggers me, for sure I will be blogging about it.
I know with the relationship issue I've been having has been ongoing, and a lot of what I'm doing in regarding to giving him trust, seems to be working. He doesn't trust me, he thinks I'm crazy, but he loves me, its strange. I get that from him, and I know that he will not abandon me, but still think I'm crazy. Like a batshit loony crazy wife, that he will stay with, its awful. Its because he feels safe with me, as crazy as I am, he knows he won't get hurt around me. Its strange. Maybe the men here can explain this one to me, I don't get it. I tried to understand what he thinks and feels. Only thing I can understand is that he senses my vulnerability, which makes it impossible for him to ever leave me.
Of course, we are never to be that certain, but with this one, it sure seems like it. It didn't take long to get any kind of commitment from him, he's not all about his money either. At least it sure seems like it. He has his ways that are sure hard for me to take all the time. Sometimes I wish he had a little of what my ex had in him, some charm, but I had to learn to accept him the way he is. If I'm not careful, he will try to talk my ear off about bolts and machinery, and I have to teach him not to do this. I do listen to him and contribute to these kinds of conversations, but I have to tell him when its too much for me. He's rather dry and direct, and seriously, I think he can contain those thoughts for a long period of time.
So, in making sure that none of my decisions regarding him, come from a fearful state, I have found some ways that perhaps that I can take care of myself. The job is one of them.
I am excited about finding a job where my anxiety won't be an issue. I have never had anything like that before. I know I will still have to work on it, but I think it will let me work on it at my pace. I don't care if its boring or whatever, but I'll feel accepted. Besides, I do find ways to make things interesting. I love and like myself, I am the most interesting person I know. I truly do have a lot to offer the world, in regards to my skills and abilities. I'm still young enough to somehow get back into my field of science, and that is what I'm hoping for. Big dream of course, but its making me happy just to think about it.
I don't know anything more about that trip to visit his brother and insidious and incestuous wife. We have not talked about it, I'm not bringing it up, neither has he. What I've been doing is adding the high value of trust. This is so high value, it will pain him to breach it. That is what I am making sure of. It costs me dearly, so he can't take it and just stomp on it. At least I think so. We'll see. I will continue to do so, that trip won't be until the end of August though, so its going to have to wait. In the meantime I will continue to pour in the value.
All the while I'm doing that, I'm securing and stabilizing any future plans I may have to make. As far as the husband is concerned, its gotten rather crazy over here. He's been getting into some trouble with the neighbour, I described in a posting AN EVIL NARCISSIST. This goes way back. The law has been getting involved, and I told hubby straight out that he was being targeted. He has been enjoying this, and I wish it would stop. The evil man was once supported by hubby's ex, and no longer, thus he has been at this full force. It involves a few neighbours too. This is a long story, not one I am meaning to get into, but it tells the story of how effed up my life can be staying way out here in the bush. I can't hide from these evil creatures, no matter how hard I try.
I told hubby to try to get out of this trouble, but no can do. I know so much about narcissism that its scary, and I told him that. I told him that these people basically have the world turned upside down in their heads, that they are right and will never convince him. You can't help him, you can't destroy him, either way the evil man won't care. But hubby reminded me, that I myself have a habit of opening my mouth at the worst of times. This much is true. I can't help it. I don't know why after everything I've been through it still shocks me. That I'll open my mouth about it, in shock. It doesn't get me anywhere, I know, but heck, they still never cease to amaze me how low they can go.
Its sickening to watch this happen. The comments from the evil man, "So and so needs to have another heart attack," astounds me. I'm kinda having to deal with my own issues here, and I can't be bothered with this.
It will be a few weeks to get approved by disability for them to help me with working. I got the doctor's note, $140. I didn't want to tell hubby anything about this. This was all supposed to be my secret. And you know me, in any case, I keep secrets. So this time I decided to tell him straight out. He was going to find out regardless, because all he has to do is check the bank account. It felt good, whew, I felt better, no anxiety causing secret.
So its all done, all that's left is waiting. I'm rather excited. She told me there are driving jobs, that are hard to place people in. It seems that a clean driving record is rare in people who go there. But not me. She said this would be perfect for me, and that I would get to do it all alone. I love this. I go long distances just for the fun of it. We travel far to go places just because of where we live, and I totally love it. I can get paid to do that.
Its not hard to feel good anymore. The only fear I have is that I'll be considered too crazy even by them, and they can't keep me on. I'm worried about that for sure. But, fear does not have anything to do with the decision making process. And in that case I should not be afraid of going it alone, totally rejected, even by the mental health community. I wonder about my mind about that. But, it is what it is, fear is a hard line I come against sometimes.
That's a very nice quilt Joan, glad to see it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could sell your quilting. Some sell crafts on Etsy.
Sorry your psychological condition has gone down some what. I hope Vocational Rehab can help and I think if they found you work with less social demands and less anxiety perhaps it could work out. Sorry you got refused at the church camp. It is odd you are okay for the food bank but not for regular jobs. Maybe some of that is the competition and weed out they have going so strong in the work world. The people around you seem judgmental to judge panic attacks so severely.
You are who you are. Normal is boring. I wonder if you could make money at some sort of job making things, being left alone, if you can't make a go of selling quilting, maybe there is something else, a job where you do work and can concentrate. Very few are good at math.
Work was so hard for me. The body got in the way constantly. So much pain and breathing problems and having to "HIDE IT", I am surprised I didn't crack up. But when someone feels unacceptable in the "work culture" and so many people who used to fit in are now "unacceptable" for some reason in the corporate work world, that can be a giant blow. How do you fix it? They seem to want conformity at any cost not just someone who can get the work done.
I agree with your polar bear anaology. I felt like I was thrown into world I had no reason to be there and never could fit in. I was considered a "good teacher" but didn't conform enough. Some at the juvenile home said I was too arty farty and too feelings oriented. The residential home said I lacked presence or was too strict. Oddly I got contradicting messages. How did Aspergers play into this? I know I felt always on edge, the best jobs were the ones I was not watched. Teaching I controlled my own classroom. I could handle that. At the residential counselor job, I actually divided the kids in two with the other family teacher to run things my own way and not be bothered.
You probably need a job where you are in solitude or not under a watchful eye at every minute. It creates anxiety in ACONS. Teaching really had too many social demands with the students but I could do it. I could be more real with students then adults most of the time. Substitute teaching was hard because they just wanted to enjoy their time off.
I had counselors I didn't relate to. Often people who have had happy families and no abuse won't relate to us and vice versa.
continuing...
Sorry your husband is putting others first and treating you like you are "crazy". That has to be very hard and is very horrible disloyalty. Anxiety is not a loss of sanity. You are lucid.
DeleteI believe your volunteer work goes well, because you do not feel judged. You are there for free. I felt more loose and happy in my volunteer pursuits too for the same reason. If only you could find volunteer work that would lead to a job. We have something called VISA in America, which is a group where one can find employment via volunteer. I volunteered for a woman in RCAP [water for the poor organization] who got her job that way at a community action agency. Maybe you should pursue public sector instead of private sector duties, less competition, and more social services and paper work. Less pressure to PRODUCE and be supervised.
I have to see the old Roots always wanted to. That other show you mention sounds interesting as well. Being an ACON is slavery of a metaphorical sort where our minds get imprisoned in cages the narcs build for us. I have had some thoughts the same way, what would life be without all those bad influences? I finally wake up on some good days and think I am okay. I wish I had been able to have this when I had better health and when I was young. I bet you do too.
Money problems is scary. I know I have a net with social security unless America falls. By law in most jurisdicitions, they can't leave me under the cardboard box. Social Security would buy at least a rented room in a rural town even if I hit the lowest echelons, so no subway grates for me.
I hope vocational rehab can help you. Vocational Rehab will help. One thing if your husband was to divorce you and you could not work, at least then you could apply for disablity. You may have some months of scrambling. In the USA, you can get some welfare for that gap. I am not sure how it works there. I hope my advice helped.
continuing
DeleteThere are non-souls and psychopaths in the prisons. It would be the hardest part of working there. I worked direct with psychopaths in my work. I didn't know it, but one reason I got hired at those jobs is I had been PREPARED via my life at home.. At least 5 of the girls at the group home were diagnosed full psychopaths/sociopaths. Normal people don't see them the way we do. One psychopath resident actually said to me, "You are not like the others" I am not sure what she meant, maybe something good or bad. I would not want to work with these populations today. I feel into the work because lets be honest it is not work people go seeking after. Most would want the art class or job in the nice suburban high school, I went into the inner city to keep employed and worked with violent and troubled youth. The me of today would not want to.
You can find work with populations or among people you feel safe around. Because I was not trained to take care of myself in my PTSD state I continued dangerous work. It's like I was so used to being in danger what else was new?
I am sorry your husband thinks you are crazy. If he still loves you there is hope but I know inside you are thinking does he respect me? He may see you as a conduit for emotions he refuses to admit or feel himself. I cannot deal with people who think I am a crazy. I'm eccentric enough that if someone starts the "she must be crazy" talk, I know the relationship is dead in the water, friendship or what not. Hopefully he will come around and realize how "crazy" some people are like that wife of his brother.
I think your relationship will improve once you can find some stability in yourself and not feel so dependent on him financially. I hope you can get a good science job, with less social demands. Surely there is some records keeping or lab work or something where it's paper work and lower social and anxious demands.
Maybe your in law and his narc wife are digging their own hole with the neighbors. I hope he chooses against the trip this year. Maybe they will be busy moving or something. It seems out in the bush there can be more toxic people, they leave populated areas to have more privacy for misdeeds. Many of Americas serial killers went west. It is one thing to think about. They sound like they are not realizing how evil the neighbor is. You tried to warn and offended them. Well its their problem to deal with. Hope that doesnt sound cold but I have learned the hard way many times you can't tell people things.
I hope you can find a good job and one you will enjoy. Praying.
I'll have to check the copywrite rule on selling quilts I made from patterns. I usually change the patterns. I don't think its a real way of making real money, it takes a very long time. And I love every one of the quilts I made so far, its so hard to give any of them up. They are like my babies. Its one of the best hobbies I've ever had.
DeleteI think I am normal. Considering I was engulfed, its amazing I am lucid. I don't take for granted a single day of sanity. I don't take for granted a single day at all. But its hard to be around people, I don't know what's expected of me, I never hung around with friends in groups growing up, and I would have been in serious trouble if I ever tried to. I like alone time, I'm happy.
I know hubby thinks I'm kinda strange. He does defend me, when needed, then there are times it looks like its me that's the problem, so he has a hard time. I explained to him my disability and why I had it, and he doesn't answer. He knows I won't run around on him or try to take over and control him. He has his freedom with me, something he never had before. He knows I can be helpless, and needy, and he doesn't mind to be depended on.
I'm sorry to felt out of place too. I hate that feeling. Where people would stare at you and they see you as being different. I get that in my sewing guilt too. So many members and I take chances with the quilting, some of them wouldn't even dare. That stained glass quilt (btw, thank you, forgot to say thank you for liking it) was half done by pattern, the other half I invented as I went along.
Oh and that neighbour is separate from the SIL. The neighbour lives here, and the SIL far away up north. Husband hasn't mentioned the trip to me yet. Funny, it was all he could talk about last year. But I tell you if you can trust that they are not going to betray you, it is a hard one for them to breach. But trust feels icky to me. I need my alone time, and he seems to be all over me. Its weird.
So I can't wait till disability oks this. It will be 2 or 3 weeks before we can proceed with a job. I don't know how much it pays, or where they are, but I was told that my anxiety will be accepted, and there will be supports in place for it.
I could get a pension if I was alone, and welfare until that happens. Welfare is hard to live on, very little money, but I am resourceful. I am a little scared to go it alone, right now he takes care of all the bills and things, and I know I just let the mailbox get too full before I can even open it.
And no, you can't tell people things. Even married, some people don't even act married or committed. They just go on as single people with a piece of paper that says they are married. But the value of trust, this one is hard for me. I start out small and just treat him like he can be trusted. I have to put my heart on the line, and know he can choose to be an ass anyway. Only psychos have the audacity to breach trust. Normal people, well I don't think they can.
Once I am not so dependent on him financially I think I'll make clearer choices. I won't need him, but I can choose to need him, hope that makes sense. It all has to be choices.
Some psycopaths make their way to mental health community, not the functional narcs but the less social, less successful types. One time I did work with one, like I mentioned and he purposed to get all his goony friends in. One guy walked with a big stick, didn't have a walking problem, just walked with a big stick. And apparently he hated women. But he was being treated for the regular bipolar, but I knew he was more than that kind of sick.
I think the black history shows really helps me. To be enslaved, or engulfed, was the same thing. Living on the edge. Yes, they did have good family relations, but they never knew if they would keep that, or get sold off. To me, it comes about the closest I can experience. And this "freedom" thing that was so elusive to them was elusive to me too, till now, possibly, hopefully. I just wish I didn't have visible anxiety, I can't hide it. I've tried, it just looks crazier than the crazy it is when I don't try to hide it. And no one understands it, they can only judge it, they are afraid.
ReplyDeleteThose black history shows. The old ROOTS I used to own it, but lost them, due to having to move so many times. There the scream for freedom is really strong. I can't get that from the new one, only the political aspect of slavery was dealt with, not the family, not the love, not the "I's free" which would melt my heart.
My ex wife took a stained glass class and look how that turned out. So for the time being I've got my eye on you.
ReplyDeleteAh, she probably liked the idea of the broken glass pieces and what she could do with them.
DeleteI think quilting is more complicated than making stained glass. Most of my projects are only half done. Or I'd have them all posted. I made a queen size quilt for my bed, that one is only half done, actually it needs to be stretched out for the backing, and I need help with it and class is done for the summer. It has to wait till september. I gave out a few as presents, those are the easy projects. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, since on I'm on the subject an old hand made quilt I acquired from a women's shelter years ago, well, the fabric from it came from the 1950's era. I still have it. Its a bit ratty, but I think I'll take a picture of it, soon.
I made a table runner that I totally screwed up, and I gave that to my daughter, and to her, she doesn't see any screwups and to her its perfect. For me, as a quilter, it would be hard to look at it again, for being so badly done. Its weird.