There has been lots of pain lately. Sometimes I am taking it out on other people. I talked to a friend yesterday, and although I have been really able to talk to her, something inside me blew up. I felt like I was demanding her complete understanding in the whole matter and was really not there. She was talking and I got scared and defenseless as usual and I was running around inside my mind. I think what appeared to her, what I think she saw, was anger coming from me.
Now I don't doubt that an abused puppy grown up can be dangerous, but I'm not an animal, I'm human and I am prideful in my ability to contain myself. My friend is a Christian sister, who has had quite a bit of life experience herself, but I was treating her like she don't know anything. She has experienced a cheating husband for years he cheated on her and she prayed through it and he came to be a Christian too, and now is a good man and they are together. She has survived a horrible battle with cancer which she has survived and is in the clear. She has also told me her daughter-in-law's mother shot herself dead after a lifetime of being an aloholic. She has stepped in to be the mother of this woman, being supportive and loving to her daughter-in-law.
I'm in pain. There is no one, nadda, that can understand me. There is the online ACON community of course and God, but not to sound insulting, I would like someone with a little skin on them. I know ACON's all suffer through this and somehow we have been getting through it. Slowly, day by day.
I want to call my friend and apologize, but this may come off as hollow. Maybe my intent is not that I'm sorry, but that I feel foolish and I am looking for her approval. If I was authentic I would be calling her to tell her that I'm feeling like a fool right now and I need you to make me feel better. Make me feel normal again. That sucks, Imagine me calling her and telling her that. Oh, and if I was really, really authentic I'd be here dipping strawberries into chocolate and pouting my head off.
Did I ever tell you I had an MN friend growing up? I heard all children are narcissistic, but this one takes the cake. It would be too long and drawn out to explain why she is MN right now, and I really don't care to anyway, I know what I know. Anyway, one day we were about 10, something she had done offended me and she accused me of pouting. I was giving her the silent treatment (appeared to) but authentically I was just feeling my feelings which felt so normal at the time. Nowadays, just feeling my feelings is hard work, but I am getting there.
I wish that that childhood friend would not have tried to prop me up out of my feelings and let me alone. It would have been better.
So now I have to cope with untying this knot in my chest, feel what is going on and try to be the human I want to be. I don't want to be the dangerous grown up puppy, I have so much to give and I'm not giving it, and I'm not trusted by others to give anyway.
I don't feel my husband trusts me that much either because I am dangerous. I'm sure even if ACON's were to meet me face to face, they'd be scared too. I put off other people, I've become nasty. But when I try to tell my husband that my mind is playing tricks on me or I feel bad about something, he sloughs it off. That is making me angry. I go to pout again.
I think I need to be that child again, the one who wanted to pout alone, and not try to take things from other people (their approval, or any emotional resources). Authentically, I want to bite anyone's head off, because I'm blaming everyone for what has happened to me. In one way or another they have all screwed me over, because they would not have ever stood up for me. There was never anyone to stand up to the bullies for me not even this precious woman who I call my friend. If she had her choice she would have walked away from me when someone was hurting me.
I know this sounds horribly confusing, and I hope it brings some kind of value to the community. Even though I have never been able to defend myself, I seem to have taken the other side of the spectrum.
The anger makes sense to me. Look given what we went through inside we are going to feel angry. If you have gone NC in the last two years or even longer, there are emotions to be worked through. In my case due to the Aspergers I taught myself to control some emotions, to smooth human relationships but inside, I can feel like a mess and turmoil. Sometimes I worry I am being too fake at times. With my friends, they are either a fellow ACON, or I am busy protecting them from angst and anger, that would trouble them. [the anger is not at them of course in these cases] To be honest I think only fellow ACONs can understand the pain of having this history and having a family reject you and treat you so terribly. So you may feel angry at her for something she can't help, but it is some natural feelings. Or your anger could have some bearing and maybe she is really not listening to you or giving you the time of day, or feeling she overcame her problems, why can't you? If she ever has said "Why can't you get over it?" then I understand anger towards that.
ReplyDeleteI think being pissed at the people who were betraying bystanders is natural anger too. I think of those who stood by when I was a child being abused and those who as adults have thrown me under the bus multiple times. One friend thought I had only gone NC from two people in the family, I told her it was 16 with family friends thrown in. I have to admit if I am not stood up for I am upset. People do expect some natural loyalty, be careful of those who have none for you. It is hard to navigate the world as an ACON. Sometimes I wonder what is the line of being a doormat, or being too mean? Leaving abusers behind, and finding yourself, you are reassessing those lines. NC will influence friendships too.
I guess it's just talk they do when they can't understand. They feel they have the answers. And of course there are no answers. We are kind of an unusual people, and that is alot for someone who really just wants to help. I see her true intentions, but I just reacted that's all. I will get back to her with an apology but I don't want to do that just to fill my empty space. I need to do it in sincerity, when I really am sorry. I would tell that to my child if she was me. I'm sure my friend understands, this wasn't a fight or argument, this was just me getting miffed.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do feel angry no one stood by us while the abuse was going on. People are like animals, protecting themselves and I am working through that. They wanted to have it easy.
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate someone who knows that the world isn't easy to navigate now.
I think if you simply tell your friend you are sorry for your angry behavior and didn't mean to take it out on her that it will go a long way for both of you. If you haven't already, explain a little more to her what you wrote here and about how you often feel like an abused puppy, angry and mistrustful.
ReplyDeleteI think there were people who wanted to help me, but didn't know how (like some teachers) and I sure didn't help because I didn't even know that my reticence and shyness was caused by the abuse, only that I felt like I was wrong in the world.
I'm a big proponent of letting yourself feel angry, but it's often hard to channel it in the right direction. I know I'm still learning, but acknowledging the anger is so much better than internalizing it. Hang in there.
Having feelings in general suck. It's like all this pain all the time. No one is hurting me now but it's a defense mechanism, I've seen good friends turn on a dime in my lifetime. I don't have those MN friends anymore, I would not allow it with everything I've learned now, but the key here I think is for me to not internalize it, you're right.
ReplyDeleteI do plan on calling her and apologizing and I will make more of an effort to understand more of these feelings, but if this keeps up I may lose good people in my life, so I will hang in there.
As for your second statement about others perhaps wanting to help you, I understand. We can't blame ourselves we were children after all and our ability to survive day to day was a huge deal. Really, there was nothing else to do, and this was normal to us. Of course, I know you are aware of this. I am still learning to not feel wrong in the world, this might take a while.
Thank you for your encouragement.