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Sunday, September 14, 2014

An Evil Narcissist

If it quacks like a duck and has feathers like a duck, then its a duck.  I don't know if I got the quote right, but it's good enough for me.  That's basically saying that 2 strikes your a malignant narcissist. My husband's buddy, a horrible disgusting freak of nature.  I've got him on more than 2 times the count of a duck.  He triangulates us, he covertly calls me names, puts my husband in impossible situations where he's basically paying for all the work to clean the road of snow in winter (its a private road and we are a group that lives on this road).  He is grandiose, etc. etc..  This is sooo comforting, so glad to tell the world this.

Let's call him Douchebag.   He started this all by HELPING to pay for a machine and got hubby to do it.  Well, the roadwork needs to be done.  They are paying, but not enough. It doesn't cover the whole cost and he is running in the red before the winter is over.   My husband needs more money from the people here, but, feels uncomfortable asking, so Mr. Douchebag has an idea and is calling a meeting with all the people and my husband. Hmmm, a meeting with a bunch of people who don't want to pay more to get them to pay more?   Is this emotional manipulation or soul murder?  My husband just needs to clean the road, he doesn't need drama.

I should add in at some point that I don't attend any of the gatherings or parties that are held here.  I will have nothing to do with these people.  No one has approached me about it, so I can only assume that they think that the problem is me.  My husband attends the gatherings alone.  I go to town for all my socializing.  This has caused a big problem for us, he calls me stubborn but I have always held strong standards all my life, and I guess that is why I was the scapegoat.  The blessing of discovering I'm an ACON is that I get to be this way without anymore guilt about it.  And yes, I do realize I am not perfect myself.  

One day Douchebag came over, and I wasn't giving him attention. The malignant narcissist got up off the couch and told my husband that "Joan doesn't like me, Dan's wife don't like me either and she's a real bitch." This time I've been awakened and doing my reading.  I told my husband later that he called me a bitch.  My husband said, "No no, he called Dan's wife a bitch."  Seriously!  That went right past him.  I can't win with a psychopath.  Now, Douchebag is a charming fella.  Has to say hi, has to be the centre of attention even if I'm in another room working on a sewing project.  He is an up in your face character.  I find him a little too charming, and to hear him talk about women its disgusting.  Its like that Drew Peterson movie.

I wish I could talk about everything but  I can't make too long of a posting.  I'm so new to being an ACON that I seem to be sticking it to them because I can't get back at my mother.  But  I will not tolerate a freak.  They are disgusting, they want you dead, and if they can overtly kill you they will. As the teaching of Anna Valerious goes you have got to hold people accountable.  Be judgemental, so I guess I am trying to do that.  But holding people accountable around here makes me the freak.

My husband is really a very cranky Frenchman.  But he is also very eager to please people.  People here are taking advantage of that.  Who knows, maybe everyone that lives here are narcissists, but I don't know them well enough.  Maybe they are just going along with Douchebag.

The last time he came here about a week ago, I was hanging out the laundry, and he just had to talk to me.  He said, "Hi, Joan, how's it going".

I said, "Awesome, could not be better,"

I was not looking at him, so I couldn't tell what his face was doing.  But that is the best way to handle a MN, don't ask how they are doing, and they will suffocate from the lack of attention. After awhile, I thought I would join them in the conversation.  He was talking about a boo boo on his leg, he went to see the doctor because it wasn't healing.  The doctor said it was fine. But he went for some tests bla bla bla I wasn't really listening to the rest of it.  But then he said something about these things being some kind of benign tumors.  I was curious so I asked, "Are you sure?"

Then I saw the angry face.  Just like my mother, just like all the MN's I've seen in my life.  You question them, that is what you get.  The angry face.  Then my memory kicked in.  One time on the road as we were passing eachother, he wanted a chit chat with me.  I don't know what he was saying because he had such an angry look on his face, I was scared.  Just a normal conversation but he looked full of rage.  Then I left for my trip into town, and I forgot all about it until the angry incident over a boo boo.

I don't know what to think.  Before I awakened, these attacks were happening by his hand but I didn't know anything so I just let it go.  Now I know I have noticed everytime we see him there is something amiss.  And when I don't see him and my husband does, there is new arguments to deal with.  Douchebag, used a covert method to command him into believing I'm taking him for everything.  "Get a prenup," Douchebag told him as a direct order.  Somehow we get through it, but I'm not going to put up with the triangulation.

Last time, I told him this.  "I am not blaming you but I am an ACON and this guy is using you to get to me because he sees me as an easy target.  I might be right or I might be wrong, either way I'm choosing to be more paranoid, because of the risk, which I need you to protect me from", with full authentic emotion.  He doesn't know what I'm talking about but my emotions told the story for me. Men can't hear commands, its a threat to them.  He knows I've been doing lots of reading and although we go around in circles about this stuff, the feeling of me needing his help gives him something to do about it.  I don't just blast him out, I give him something to do, to accomplish.  I told him I need him to do it.  And I allowed myself to feel fully vulnerable, right in front of him.

Relationships aren't easy, ACON life isn't easy.  Thank you mom, I award you with a big pile of manure on your head.

That was the end of it, I haven't had that particular problem for months.  But he finds other ways to cause arguments.  I would type it but I can't wrap my brain around it.  Just things don't go well when Douchebag comes around.  Maybe its me.  I don't know, but I'm choosing to be paranoid.

I'm worried you all think I'm blowing it out of proportion, men talk, yes I know men talk, and I am a reasonable person.   Don't get me wrong.  But, as you know, these reptiles are hard to nail down. Like trying to nail jello to the wall.  The words of Anna Valerious.  Her teaching, I'm not quoting her, I haven't asked permission to do that.  But, I think I need to mention her teaching, because as a newbie I don't want to pull things out of thin air.  I got my learning somewhere.

I would rather be more paranoid than not.  If it was my own friend, that friendship would end.  I had a MN best friend for 20 years and that was hard to figure out but I did it.  Even though you love them you know they make you uncomfortable.  She would say and do horrible, mean nasty things at the worst times of my life.  But, you block it out cause you love them.  And hope next time you meet up it will be different.  This particular man is not my friend, so there is nothing I can do.  However, because I am an ACON I need to be on the alert.  Also too, ACON's tend to second guess ourselves.  

But I will not override my husband, it is his buddy which he has known longer than he has known me, and I respect that.  I also have to respect the fact that I have been raised as a targeted source of supply. This guy is trying to hurt me and he is giving me angry faces.  I don't need any teaching on the angry face, I can write that one myself.  I know it like the back of my hand.  And it hits me in the chest.  It makes me want to run away.  Yes, normal people can have the angry face that scares me too. But, usually its because I know I've done something wrong.  I'm not perfect and I may have crossed a boundary here and there, its not uncommon.  We all do it.  And we know it.  We know if we do something wrong to someone, be it by accident or whatever.  If we hurt someone, we know it.  We might not know exactly what it is that we have done, but we know we have done something. Its not ground in stone that it works that way all the time, but its fairly stable most of the time.

But, I haven't done anything to this man.

My husband is NOT an ACON.  In fact, his family is the dream of what families should be.  And he is a leader with all his brothers trying to follow in his footsteps, and they can't keep up.  His parents adore him.  He is a boss for a large world known company.  He talks, people listen.  He can bring 10 men to their knees, if necessary.

I don't know how Douchebag is getting away with it.  But I remember a teaching of Anna Valerious about the most covert are the most dangerous.  That one is burned in my mind forever.  


9 comments:

  1. You aren't imagining it. And because you are 'awake', you are a threat to him (that Douchebag) - he knows you SEE him and he hates that.

    I wrote a post about not being prey - http://mypostcardsfrompurgatory.blogspot.com/2012/10/become-croc.html - it is not particularly well written or anything, but I stand behind the premise. We WERE raised to be prey to the predators. A constant never-ending supply of food for them. Another thank you to our parents.

    It is simple to handle these people - not EASY, but simple. They are VERY easily manipulated. Once we get past that fear response that automatically kicks in, messing with their heads is sort of fun. I advocate this a lot tho - and others don't agree with me. And I will admit, the best way to 'deal' with a narc is to go absolutely NO CONTACT. But if you are going to see this guy often, making a game out of messing with his head might be the best thing ever. :)

    Never, ever let them see you confused or scared. Love bomb him when you see him and other people are there - big smile, big voice HI HOW ARE YOU?! but never offer any answers to his questions. Learn to deflect with a giggle and a "oh YOU!" kind of response. FAKE FAKE FAKE. watch his eyes, he will be confounded! Any direct question get's met with "*giggle* you're so sweet taking such an interest in little old ME! Let's talk about YOU!" and on and on and on. Every time you enforce a boundary, like a personal space boundary or anything, do it with very harsh words and a SMILE. Don't let him have steady ground under his feet.

    I have BLAZED at a predator like say, in a kitchen at a party, just full steam ANGER RAAAWR - then someone else walks in and I smile and touch predators arm and with Very Sincere Eyes say 'that was the BEST conversation! thank you!' before I walk away. It's the same game THEY play - nobody will believe you were just a raging lunatic because the rest of the night you talk about how FUN the party is, and mention once again the great convo you had with him.

    I dunno - I think it's a blast to do this. And it give you the upper hand. As I said in my post - first be the alligator, then the elephant. Never ever let them see you be confused or uneasy. The last time I saw my mother she saw that in my face and POUNCED. It was that last time that convinced me to walk away - but I have that luxury. Anyone who has to see the narc predator needs a better defense. Or ANY defense, really.

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  2. Thank you Gladys, that was very informative. I love the posting over at your site. It's funny I used to think being confused or uneasy will make them back off. Like its submissive and please don't hurt me. That was before I was awakened and I was always under attack. I just hope I can get over the fear. But I am finding my righteous indignation.

    Typing that posting gave me a lot of insights into what is going on with Douchebag, stuff I didn't even seem to think about before. I am so sure he is a predator now more than ever.

    I'll definitely work this through.

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  3. If you are not sure about whether a Narc is a Narc wait them out. Eventually their true nature will come out. You are not obligated to hang around people who don't like you. If you suspect they have issues with you trust your gut they probably do.

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  4. I'm glad I have this instinct, I had it all along, but I was still fodder for them, until now. Just hope I can get past this fear thing. The everyone else he is a "super nice guy". Me, I get the angry face. And you know the fight or flight, I can't handle that.

    I used to walk around scared, because I thought that kept away the predators, how stupid was that. I just have to get the fight or flight under control.

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  5. You would be surprised how well honed our instincts can be after life with a Narc. We just have to learn how to trust them.

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  6. I developed a nice guy "syndrome." In that I would let people push me around and push me around until I really got pissed. I rationalized my extreme reaction by telling myself that since I am willing to let most things slide that if a person infuriated ME that a regular person would have called the offender out long before. Hence whatever I said or did to defend myself was OK.

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  7. It's true, we all feel that way. We all want to be the nice guy. And its so hard with all these predators on the loose. We have to get a backbone I guess. It's hard when you've been raised to be prey.

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  8. I think sometimes the name 'PLACATER' should be emblazoned on a shirt for all of us to wear. We are so used to trying to diffuse the bomb before it goes off - and it was less than a 50/50 chance no matter what.

    Anger is absolutely an appropriate emotion. We are trained from birth that OUR anger is ALWAYS wrong. Only the narcs can get mad. Well, screw that. Anger (used appropriately) is strength. It enforces boundaries and questions transgressions and keeps you safe. Maybe it shouldn't be the FIRST response, although when dealing with narcs I found it was very helpful. But our first response also should not be fear! I think anger is much better.

    OOH I forgot there is a great (short) video of a kid who dealt with school bullies! Here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj33v-Fk9fM <-- that whole issue made the news for a while. I think what that kid did was ESACTLY right, even if that bully had ended up hurt very badly. I SIDE WITH THE VICTIM. And I think that's how to always deal with bullies - we just want peace, want to be left alone, but a bully has to know WE WILL BITE if they come near. lol - be the elephant...

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  9. I think we need to placate is because we are scared of the bomb going off. But, if we do it enough times it will become easy and normal to us? Don't know just guessing here.

    I've been thinking of Douchebag this morning and and after I wrote that post. Yes, he is a narc. I feel he crosses the lines of normal human behaviour in plain sight. He is calling me a bitch, he is calling me a gold digger. I mean what the hell?

    And, yeah I can't wait for him to come around again. I'm not scared when I'm angry.

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