Momma's Needs

It's turned cold early and the leaves are already starting to turn, and so fishing maybe over early this year.

I have trouble accepting that as I have trouble accepting most things in life, and I've been trying to figure out why. Truth is that I can't see what's real in front of my eyes. I was, for the longest time, trying to rationalize my mother's bad behavior because I thought that would make me feel better, but I still hurt. I was just running around in circles trying to repair the damage to no avail. When reality takes hold, I just go crazy, I want what's not real so much I will damage myself to get it. The other night out on the lake gave me a chance to see reality without it not being so painful. But it was painful, because it has gotten cold fast. I bundled up warm and pretended to feel like summer is still here. I tend to rationalize this and that, allowing bad behaviour in people, thus causing good people to distrust me.

Another thing I do is keep everything under wraps and try to be so strong that I can't get my own needs met, its like I don't have needs or I shouldn't have needs, because it would hurt the other person. I believed that when they are hurting me because I trespassed against them so I deserved it. This is life in dealing with a narcissist. You can't have needs because they view you as sub-human and they won't be there for you. As a mirror you only have one job and this is to make them look and feel good. Regardless, I still have needs though and the narcissist doesn't mind that, just don't voice them.

But when I'm dealing with a normal person who is not an MN, I run into a brick wall. I can't expose my own needs to them its like I'm trespassing too and its hard. They see the lies I tell to cover up, the non-chalante ways in my behaviour. I screw it all up. It's no wonder ACON's have so much trouble with relationships, because in order to relate you have to be vulnerable. People who are not narcissists thrive in an environment of give and take. They can handle others needs and want to give freely. This isn't about trust, I trusted everyone but myself. This is for getting our needs met. I can tell you my needs were never met, no one knew what they were so I would just be miserable. For the longest time, before I had awaken, I was trying to be invulnerable to everyone, and doing a horrible job at it. For ACON's the word vulnerability spells disaster, I think. But taking it away robs us of our true selves. To appear open and helpless to another person is difficult when your used to having it all used against you to torment you. You can't ask for something, or even need something.  But how do we get our needs met without being vulnerable? How do I get into good solid relationships with others? No one, I would deem worthwhile would ever see me as anything but a freak the way I was going. So to me, its a risk everyone needs to take and be vulnerable, and we mustn't allow the MN to take that away along with everything else. To me this is a tragedy. If my mother were to call here, my husband would be right there by my side or the first to pick up the phone, because he has seen my vulnerability to her and he's ready for it. Or a friend, a real friend, would help out and be there for you, not the MN friends I've had. But if we are closed up and invulnerable, who is going to be there for us? I'm not ready to be suspicious of everyone, I want to learn better ways and hopefully that will come to pass.

I have been afraid to tell other ACON's my mother is illiterate, for they may tell me she is justified in being an MN. There I said it. Out of that I feel a mean, spiteful me that doesn't even exist. "You are mean, Joan, hateful and spiteful that is why you are having such a hard time in life. You have got to learn to accept other people, you are not perfect yourself." That is what I hear in my head, that is what I've been told and that is the narcissist training. Also, mother needs to be accepted because she can't read or write. There now, I dealt with the vulnerability. I hope to be completely open and honest, and I will recognize when I'm not, its because I am trying to cover.

I always had to deal with mother's illiteracy, even from an early age, unlike my brother's and sister. "I want to read it", became my mantra to everyone, if mother was approached with reading a letter or passage. I jumped with a "I wanna, I wanna", So she would let me read it to her. When we were out I always stayed near her in case I'm needed for reading. Ok, the shame now, you can tell me "Weeeelll, if you wanted to, what the hell is your problem?" Did I want to? I was struggling in school, staring around suffering from PTSD. But, around mother I was a different kid. Always eager to make sure no one would find out she couldn't read, so what was my motivations in helping her?

Thinking back to that time I felt sorry for her. She wore rags, but made sure we were dressed well. She told me the teachers at school said we were well dressed. She had only a few rags to wear. She cooked and cleaned perfectly. I was so horrible as a person that I had a hard time getting along with the other kids in school. They always wanted what I had. They would always ask for my things and I would give them away. Mom used to say I lost everything, but that wasn't the truth. Or she said I gave it away because I wanted them to like me, but that was sort of true, but not the whole truth. I had grappled with the truth. I always hid the truth even from myself. And the teasing in school, I would never talk about at home. I had a best friend throughout grade school, but I worked on projects alone, I never had a partner. She was only my friend for her needs.  Everyone thought I was weird. We used to play baseball at recess. When I was up batting, a girl said I had to lend my baseball mitt to a boy playing outfielder. This was one time I said no. The girl called me prejudice because the boy was native Indian. I said nothing. She told me to keep my glove, I thought good. But still I didn't say anything. The truth was the boy picked his nose and that grossed me out. I didn't want to share my glove with him. But I kept it to myself.  It was because I could see anger in her face, so I shut down.  I noticed the anger in everyone, and watched out for it.

I never told my mother any of this, in fact I would insist I was doing well in school because she had too many problems and I didn't want to burden her. I was always scared. One time when we were playing tag and someone tagged me kinda rough, I burst out crying, I was so scared. The teacher was alerted of this and I was brought in but I couldn't stop crying. I had pains in my tummy. Fear ruled my life and it still does.

But I am going down a rabbit hole, I'll try to get back to that in another posting. This is just a babystep.

 I had to come to some kind of feeling about mother's illiteracy because it is the fair thing to do, because I'm a fair minded person and I came to a conclusion very fast.  She is psycho and there is no explanation for it.  But before I go there, I do understand that illiteracy does give a person more challenges in life when it comes to making choices.  I could go into a long list of studies done on it, I had done some research, but it gives no one the right to abuse in such an insidious manner, or in any manner.  So it doesn't matter, because a lot of people can't read and write either, and if this is the cause for psychologicals,  then wonderful, I would head over to her place right now, open a book and begin teaching her and we would have tea and crumpets and sing and dance.  Then I would come home and close the blog, everything will be done.  No.

This is a woman, who in her day was able to chop down a tree with an axe, dig a well and make any big tough man which he had her biceps.  She was tall and strong, we were afraid just looking at her, because her eyes could certainly make you cry out for mercy (good luck with that).  She could work like a man and cook and clean perfectly.  All our socks were washed twice, inside then outside.  The whites stayed white.  She baked a cake on Sundays.  Looked after the farm.  Yeah, I was confused too.  Don't sound like a bad person does she?

So what can I say as someone who loves to open the pages of a book and scan through its contents, it seems unfair that I would say such stuff about my mother who can't read and write.  The words in the movie Ever After were painful to hear, basically saying uneducated means you are a criminal.  Narcs are criminals, that is my viewpoint, so is that what had caused her malignant narcissism?  Ok, so lets say it did cause her to be MN.  Then my life doesn't really matter, only hers did, because she was illiterate then it was ok to do the horrible things she has done.  As of now, I'm still afraid, still buried alive by the damage.  My children too, I wasn't able to give them everything I could, not a good father, decent life, hockey for my son, no none of this.  I worked hard, but everything I did fell apart.  It was my intention to give them everything.  Now that they are grown, its still hard for them sometimes, as it is for me, but they don't have PTSD.  I thank God everyday for that.  And I don't care if being illiterate caused her soul to deteriorate.  I know what normal illiterate people are like, and they are human in every sense of the word.

I had been an advocate for illiteracy, teaching adults how to read and write and simple math skills.  It was hard at times, and they faced frustration.  My mother can't ever face frustration.  And you know, sometimes I thought that was a mental illness, but I have seen her change her behavior so fast it would make your head spin, usually when someone walked into the room. A mental illness can't explain the horrible things she has done, and its not a nice way to treat the mentally ill comparing them to a MN.

She explained to us why she couldn't read and write, and these were her exact words, "We had no teachers, so the school board went and found the drunkest person they could find and hire them to teach in the classroom."  And, "We had to walk bare feet in the snow for many miles to get to school."  Never mind others in her family could read and write, however she had one brother who was also illiterate.

Illiteracy happens even today, and those kids do have trouble, they get into drugs, or drink and get involved with the wrong type of friends.  Anything that is self-destructive.  My mother mastered the art of self-preservation, and she even tried through mind control to turn me into a drunken prostitute, which never happened, thank God.  I'll get into that in another posting, the details of that is crazy, I'll probably have it in my drafts for bit longer.  For someone who was so helpless by being illiterate she knows how to be a creep.  She uses mind control, manipulation, hypnotizing, triangulation etc. with complete accuracy.   I am a strong advocate for helping people, my volunteer activities keep me sane and happy.  And I really can understand the needs of people and I sure wouldn't be bashing my mother if learning to read and write was going to change her. I wish that were the case, but she would have to be human in the first place.

Someone might say, teach her, and see what happens.  But I too am now mastering the art of self-preservation  There is not one iota of humanity in that pile of miserable flesh.  She doesn't exist without the evil, that I am so sure of. When I was little, before I was able to even think, she took advantage and she took full control of me she demanded the price of my soul and I had no choice but to give it all up, and I got nothing back, she took it all and then tried to end my life.  She tried to teach me to clam up and don't say anything , now go crazy and die.

That didn't happen.  So I'm never going to shut up, I'll keep talking while there is breath in me. There is no excuse for a malignant narcissist. They have full intentions to destroy anyone they can. In my last posting, I discussed they will make you feel horrible by wiping their own dirt on you. Seemingly perfect but perfectly diabolical there is no peace with a narcissist. You can't give them anything, because to them, everything belongs to them, you have no right even to your own self. Your self does not exist without them, and as surely they will use anything against you. My mother used her illiteracy against me. She used it like a tool, why would she want to learn to read and write? I like Lisette's article, "MN, Death Personified" in "House of Mirrors".  It explains in great detail of the killing mechanisms of a MN.

I am an emotional person, and I think I have been since birth. My mother used it and had gotten away with it in front of others because they would just say I was just emotional. Like its a bad thing, it really creeps me out how some people can be so stupid. Anything to get along with an MN, anything. Just read "500 pounds Peep blog" her latest articles covers this. And you know, if you feel so intelligent that you can reverse a MN then think again. They take innocence and destroy it, that is what my poor illiterate mother did, because she was illiterate? No, because she was a freak.