This is a stained glass quilt I made, it is finished now, and put together. This is the not quite finished project. It does have at least one mistake in it, that you can probably see. Oops, two mistakes that you can probably see. But its ok, I want to sell it, and make another, I don't need two.
My psychological condition has been diminished somewhat. I've tried my hand at working functionally again, and the feedback I got was very painful to take. Although it wasn't paid yet, the possibility of it turning into paid employment was a possibility. I wasn't going to get paid or hired on by my church camp. I can't talk about this anymore. But all my dreams of being functional and normal were dashed, and I'm afraid of that. I can't provide for myself.
It seems strange, I can work at the food bank, and I don't understand that, so how come I can't do anything else? Or at my sewing guild, not volunteer or working, I noticed that people there treat me like I'm a bomb ready to go off, or something.
All the while, I feel normal. I feel like I'm very normal doing whatever they tell me. I follow suit, I'm a very good worker, I'm told. Yeah, yeah, but I'm batshit crazy right? Try to tell people once they find out about me, that panic attacks won't go anywhere else, that I'm not going to fly to the moon or shoot anyone. What that is is all there is. A therapist once told me that, it doesn't get worse. That's all there is.
So why am I so broken? Are we so maimed that we can't put it all together, that somehow, with all my genius and brilliance, I can't? I can literally solve any mathematical equation, Well almost, I've taken quilting to new levels, even redesigning the designs. That is when I am in the quiet of my own sewing room and no one is watching me. I feel normal, so why do I get the feeling that I'm not normal? Normal to me is not what normal people call normal.
I understand that a lot of ACON's can work and lead normal lives that way. What I"m saying is that we are so different from eachother, we are individuals, with each our own unique ways on how the child abuse has affected us. I still don't think this is broken, I think its adjustment to a terrible childhood. Just like polar bears have adapted the insulated fur. Now if a polar bear tried to live anywhere else he would look strange. Imagine a polar bear in the state of Texas walking down the street. He still thinks he can catch seals, play around in the ice, but it simply is not the place for him. There is nothing wrong with him, he only needs to be up in the Arctic where he belongs.
Where do I belong? Back in the narcissistic househole? No way. It was that what had formed me. I am still a creation of God, and God has not forsaken me.
Needless to say I am back in therapy, for my issues, and I don't feel I can relate to any of the counsellors. They have me cornered, for I feel strongly that is not I who has the problem, my nervous system is reacting to the deep moral corruption.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. People like me, they really do. So that is separate from my issues. Learning that I was an ACON was a blessing, yes, but it also meant that now I had to watch and keep alert for I was a target.
I have a psyche community who will write me for anything. I have been pursuing a disability pension, but I can't for hubby makes too much. So, I don't know if you think that is right or wrong of me to do so, as we do have the monetary means without it, but I would like some independence, I feel so dependent on him. Given my complete and broken state, how much longer can he deal with me? Then I would be left with no means of support, dividing marital assets has not set anyone up for life, unless they are a millionaire. He is already putting others first, in regards to him thinking that they are more "sane" than I. Even if they are MN's or not. It leaves me in such a state that I'm doing things that maintain my "financial" status. I cannot work again. I'll never provide for myself, I don't look sane. And anything can trigger an attack, and I think I'm letting go of the fact that I can control it. Its funny, it doesn't happen in my volunteer activities, which I don't understand, but it does happen to me on the job. Go figure.
Lately, I have enjoyed the black history shows, including the new "Roots". It is not as valuable to me as was the older version, even if it is more "factual". For me it is about "feeling". I can't help but feel the older version gave a more real feeling of "freedom" than the new one. The new one, freedom is implied as "this is wrong", slavery is wrong, but "freedom" is to me more powerful.
And the show, "Book of Negroes," takes me back watching this young woman live a life, trying to be normal but nothing is. This is why I like Black History. To me, nothing is closer to living as an ACON. When I watch these shows, its like my own life played out. When I leave out the "black" issue, when I leave out a lot of things, and just think, what life was like for these women, not knowing when she'd be raped, sold off, killed, never knowing what would happen, but trying to live as normal as possible.
In the Book of Negroes, if you want to watch it, prepare yourself to fall in love with the character of "Amanita", or Mina for short. She made me feel strong again. And its only on once a week, and then its ended at the 6th episode. I know I'll feel sad when its over. Tonight is the 4th episode, and I'm already grieving over it.
So what is this thing about narcissism? Not that I'm trying to figure them out so much, but it never escapes my thoughts of how I was tormented by them all my life, and I sit back here now and think, WOW. That is all it was? I could have dealt with that a long time ago, by not blaming myself for anything they inflicted upon me. With that, I would have had a much better life.
Thanks to Peep from her blog, she gave me some very good advice. She told me to check out vocational rehab, so I did. Its about working and having a job with a disability, and they do that.
The only problem is, that I have working in something that accepts my disability, it was from one experience I had a long time ago, and it was very bad. I worked in the mental health field for such a short time for a member there had been in prison for a long time. He had the compassion of the people there, and when I first saw him, I saw the psychopath of all psychopaths, who could play the game very well.
I'm not saying that all people who went to jail are psychopaths. Some are very good souls. But some are the non-souls and I can tell the difference. Even if they are faking, I can tell. I don't know how to explain that, but its in my body, I can feel it. That is when I can seriously lose control of myself. I have to be careful with former prisoner inmates, and if I find one that triggers me, for sure I will be blogging about it.
I know with the relationship issue I've been having has been ongoing, and a lot of what I'm doing in regarding to giving him trust, seems to be working. He doesn't trust me, he thinks I'm crazy, but he loves me, its strange. I get that from him, and I know that he will not abandon me, but still think I'm crazy. Like a batshit loony crazy wife, that he will stay with, its awful. Its because he feels safe with me, as crazy as I am, he knows he won't get hurt around me. Its strange. Maybe the men here can explain this one to me, I don't get it. I tried to understand what he thinks and feels. Only thing I can understand is that he senses my vulnerability, which makes it impossible for him to ever leave me.
Of course, we are never to be that certain, but with this one, it sure seems like it. It didn't take long to get any kind of commitment from him, he's not all about his money either. At least it sure seems like it. He has his ways that are sure hard for me to take all the time. Sometimes I wish he had a little of what my ex had in him, some charm, but I had to learn to accept him the way he is. If I'm not careful, he will try to talk my ear off about bolts and machinery, and I have to teach him not to do this. I do listen to him and contribute to these kinds of conversations, but I have to tell him when its too much for me. He's rather dry and direct, and seriously, I think he can contain those thoughts for a long period of time.
So, in making sure that none of my decisions regarding him, come from a fearful state, I have found some ways that perhaps that I can take care of myself. The job is one of them.
I am excited about finding a job where my anxiety won't be an issue. I have never had anything like that before. I know I will still have to work on it, but I think it will let me work on it at my pace. I don't care if its boring or whatever, but I'll feel accepted. Besides, I do find ways to make things interesting. I love and like myself, I am the most interesting person I know. I truly do have a lot to offer the world, in regards to my skills and abilities. I'm still young enough to somehow get back into my field of science, and that is what I'm hoping for. Big dream of course, but its making me happy just to think about it.
I don't know anything more about that trip to visit his brother and insidious and incestuous wife. We have not talked about it, I'm not bringing it up, neither has he. What I've been doing is adding the high value of trust. This is so high value, it will pain him to breach it. That is what I am making sure of. It costs me dearly, so he can't take it and just stomp on it. At least I think so. We'll see. I will continue to do so, that trip won't be until the end of August though, so its going to have to wait. In the meantime I will continue to pour in the value.
All the while I'm doing that, I'm securing and stabilizing any future plans I may have to make. As far as the husband is concerned, its gotten rather crazy over here. He's been getting into some trouble with the neighbour, I described in a posting AN EVIL NARCISSIST. This goes way back. The law has been getting involved, and I told hubby straight out that he was being targeted. He has been enjoying this, and I wish it would stop. The evil man was once supported by hubby's ex, and no longer, thus he has been at this full force. It involves a few neighbours too. This is a long story, not one I am meaning to get into, but it tells the story of how effed up my life can be staying way out here in the bush. I can't hide from these evil creatures, no matter how hard I try.
I told hubby to try to get out of this trouble, but no can do. I know so much about narcissism that its scary, and I told him that. I told him that these people basically have the world turned upside down in their heads, that they are right and will never convince him. You can't help him, you can't destroy him, either way the evil man won't care. But hubby reminded me, that I myself have a habit of opening my mouth at the worst of times. This much is true. I can't help it. I don't know why after everything I've been through it still shocks me. That I'll open my mouth about it, in shock. It doesn't get me anywhere, I know, but heck, they still never cease to amaze me how low they can go.
Its sickening to watch this happen. The comments from the evil man, "So and so needs to have another heart attack," astounds me. I'm kinda having to deal with my own issues here, and I can't be bothered with this.
It will be a few weeks to get approved by disability for them to help me with working. I got the doctor's note, $140. I didn't want to tell hubby anything about this. This was all supposed to be my secret. And you know me, in any case, I keep secrets. So this time I decided to tell him straight out. He was going to find out regardless, because all he has to do is check the bank account. It felt good, whew, I felt better, no anxiety causing secret.
So its all done, all that's left is waiting. I'm rather excited. She told me there are driving jobs, that are hard to place people in. It seems that a clean driving record is rare in people who go there. But not me. She said this would be perfect for me, and that I would get to do it all alone. I love this. I go long distances just for the fun of it. We travel far to go places just because of where we live, and I totally love it. I can get paid to do that.
Its not hard to feel good anymore. The only fear I have is that I'll be considered too crazy even by them, and they can't keep me on. I'm worried about that for sure. But, fear does not have anything to do with the decision making process. And in that case I should not be afraid of going it alone, totally rejected, even by the mental health community. I wonder about my mind about that. But, it is what it is, fear is a hard line I come against sometimes.
