The Mirror Affect

Can you make this face?  Big smile open wide and your eyebrows in an angry pose?  Nostrils flared? Ok, I can't.  I've been trying to be mother all my life and it isn't happening.  Such a loving face and I can't do it.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

I'll always remember the day of my awakening.  The first thing I read about it was "This person does not have good intentions for you."  I don't remember whose site I was on, maybe Anna Valerious, I'm not going to go look it up.  It hurt too bad.  But before I read that I felt something go off inside me.  I was watching The Conjuring.  This movie was a horror film based in the 1970's about the time of my abuse.  Everything about the movie seemed so familiar.  It was spooky, but when that demonologist said that you can't get rid of it easily, I kinda felt he was talking to me.  But, the whole movie seemed so familiar.

At New Year's this year I was stuck on an airplane that was going no where, then stuck at the airport with my cranky Frenchman.  I felt I had to placate him, and I couldn't.  I couldn't fix this.  This happens sometimes and there is nothing I or anyone else can do.  He is my husband, and he is going to be cranky no matter what.  That's what he does.  I tried so hard to placate him, we got some food, prayed for the time to pass quickly, took him for a walk around.  At the end of it all I was more exhausted than I would have been if I didn't have to feel so responsible for his mood.

He turned and looked at me, "I don't know why your so upset for, everyone has to wait, not just us." Something just went off in my brain.  Could I have been looking at this from a different perspective? He misunderstood me.

I have lived a life of panic.  I'm scared all the time.  I feel I have to diffuse bombs everywhere I go. Therapists can't fix this, and I just couldn't go on anymore.

Scared each day I'm plummeting further and further into this.  I don't know what the bottom is.  I just have to trust this time, that this is good, and where I need to be right now.  No positive thinking right now, just what this is.  And I've still got a while yet to go.

One problem with this though, I have got to start making my own decisions about myself.  There is no other way.  I found this quote useful:

The world will tell you who you are until you tell the world!

It's exciting to find out there is a real me and not just somebody's mirror.  I was going to get lots of my favorite things together and take a picture of them, but that would only be the surface.  Things are not who I really am.  I am only pointing this out today because a narcissist won't care about those things about me and actually seek out a way to sabotage it.  Who am I really?  

Do you have a favorite hockey team or a favorite pair of socks?  Favorite anything?  Who told you they were your favorite?  I have had to ask myself similar questions.  Do I like to draw?  No, not really.  YOu see. lots of people like to dray and I thought I did but I really don't, although I can appreciate others who do.  Have I ever said I like to draw?  I will if you tell me I do.  That's the existence I had.  It's so hard to break out of narcissist training or mirror training, so hard to exist.

I find momentum when I find a piece of myself and run with it.  It's that kind of challenge I've been finding out about myself lately.  Even the not so nice things.  Do I want to change them?  Maybe some day, but for now, I'll stick with what it is first.

It feels like I'm been bombarding other blogs, saying things that don't fit.  I try to stay on topic, that is a good intention, but I sway just a little bit.  It has been tolerated by the blog owners, no one has said anything about it, but maybe someday they will.  Can I take the criticism?  Hello, a new one for me, taking criticism.

Now, I know that pain feels awful.  You don't want to go into that dreaded place of fear. It does feel like you are dying, or you'll never get anywhere but deeper into the pit. That is a trick of the mind. I'm here to say the pit is not so deep that you can't handle it.  You can actually find out what is causing the pain and your body does not allow for you to sink so deep you cannot get out.  That does not happen.  I had a discussion with my oldest daughter who takes anti-depressants and she tells me she needs them because her brain does not make enough serotonin.  I feel the world is addicted to serotonin, and I say that we are not entitled to serotonin all the time.  Life isn't always about being happy.  With serotonin running through our brains all the time we can't ever feel pain?  Is that the cure, to keep us in a state of fake happiness so the malignant narcissist can have their way with us?  I have faith that pain has a beginning and it has an ending, thus it has a purpose.

One thing I have discovered about myself and it is weird  is that I have to look at a picture of someone to know what to say next, isn't that crazy?  Am I the only one who does that?  I have to have a picture or tv show with someone's face in front of me to try to figure out what to say next or something validating what I got to say.  And the minute I see that picture I feel safe and can actually hold a good conversation.  It just doesn't seem natural to me, and I know that isn't part of who I am and has something to do with narcissistic abuse. That is something to explore, and as my journey takes hold, I can hopefully understand it.

What I really hate is the saying "Its not all about you".  What kind of nonsense thing is that to say. That is putting someone down by basically calling them selfish.  I think a narcissist came up with it.   I've even heard Dr. Phil say that.  He's some kind of life coach, who uses such convoluted statements that make no sense in real life.  Do I believe it has a purpose at all?  No, not at all.  That comment is assuming something about someone and we have no right to that, it is completely immoral.  The narcissist doesn't believe that phrase applies to them, they use it to storm right into your head and take over, and it can only be used against a real and decent person.  So be careful with that one.

I think the real telling if someone is a MN is if they make you feel good about doing something that they are doing, but when they stop doing it, then they want you to stop it too.  Or, if they watched a certain show, they want you to watch it.  And don't want you to watch something they don't watch. They hold judgement for that show and don't mind telling you to stop watching it for that reason.   I've seen this in my friends.  Its so weird when you are not with a MN but with a real person who doesn't try to turn you into a mirror. They want someone to talk to, to laugh with, to hang with, not a slave.  So I have to find those parts of me that are real and sincere.

I'm a firm believer that the cure for anxiety and depression is through the anxiety and depression.  I have fear.  I went into that feeling, and I'll tell you its just a mess.  I've been trying to unlock all the secrets about what is going on with me.  And its horrible, but its ok.  I want to live in reality.