Attachment

I used to always watch Austin Stevens Adventure Show.  He has the skills and knowledge of nature and he knows a little about wind patterns, that is to stay downwind.  And lots of other things.

This is bear country.  Wildlife is such a wonderful thing.  I never want it to go away. I was safe in a truck coming back home on these roads last night all by myself and it's about a half hour drive in.  I find the ride home at night exhilarating.  I was out at a church social and everyone thought I'd be scared on the ride home.  They would be.  But I love it.  So why can't I be as fearless with the rest of life as I want to be?  Because it is not the same as having emotional resources in everyday life and with dealing with people.  There is this horrible brainwashing which won't allow me to be my own person and I am attached to that brainwashing.  Brainwashing feels normal. 

What if mother was around me right now?  What would I do and say?  I know what I want to be doing, and that is to toss her aside and not listen to the barrage of complaints about me.  Tell her off. But what would I actually do?  I can't answer that question because although I know what I should do, say, act and think, what I might actually do is conform again.  The reality of that is hard to think about.  I am stuck in what you can call a form of attachment.

"The Root of Suffering is Attachment" is a sayng from Buddha.  This fella has such amazing wisdom, however I don't view him as a god, just a man.  This saying has profound wisdom in it that I can take this one saying and apply it to my life in many, many ways.  

When you spend your formative years attached to another person, that's the way it will be until you change that.  That change will require going into a higher energy.  That is, more energy has to go into it than what you are applying right now in my life.  This is what I like to call emotional resources.  Or deprogramming.

Two things, I'm scared of is physical pain or humiliation.  For sure, at some point I would wrong someone, even by accident and I can't prove either way that I did do them wrong, on purpose or by accident.  But I haven't the strength to go into the higher energy and just feel the pain and go on with that and be ok with myself.  Someone tells me I did something wrong and I'm forever trying to explain and figure out what I did do.  I'm scared to get hurt or humiliated so I"ll tend to lose arguments by not being able to state my position.  Presently, I tend to interrupt people so I won't as a way of self protection, in case they say something to hurt me. Or to stop them from saying something I done wrong.  This is not advantageous in social situations.  

A few years ago my husband and I went to go visit his cousin.  She was a strange woman. She was outspoken to the point so that I knew her whole life story in the first hour we met.  The first thing she told me is that she came from a good family.  I was taken aback from that statement and I remember it exactly, it was the first thing she told me.  I realize now I feel inferior to those who come from a good family.  

Next we went to his ex's to pick up his dog's and she told me that "I'm sure you heard lots of bad things about me."  Emotionally I felt freaked out, and I didn't know why, she didn't attack me.  Or did she?  

His cousin and his ex were in contact with one another.  Neither liked the other, but still they kept in contact.  Now neither one of them knows me, or do they?  There was nothing for me to do but feel pity for them and I think that was what they wanted.

But why should I care?  Anna Valerious talked about people who look for pity are actually predators. His cousin and his ex were looking for pity and attention.  Why should I care?  Pitying someone requires that you to take your guard down and be defenseless.  You can't defend yourself with someone and pity them at the same time. 

His cousin on the other hand had, no doubt in my mind, was a major source of pain for others.  She had two screaming fits while I was there, about how the whole world has wronged her, and she was stepping over my boundaries by making me agree with everything she said.  I only just met her.

I've been sitting here thinking of these two particular incidences, and the pain I feel about it is only caused by attachment.  Why should I care about what they are going through?  I don't know them, I feel as though I owe them something just because they talked to me.  To help them to feel better by becoming defenseless.

I remember mother.  She would always be mad about something.  I couldn't cope with it, it was always so horrible.  I would always scramble to try to fix the situation, sometimes I only made matters worse.  I remember saying once that I wanted a couple of kids when I grow up.  This angered mother.  She told me she wanted me sterilized right now and she would find a doctor to do so.

I watched an episode of "Masters of Sex" a few weeks ago.  It was the only time I watched the show. Gladys posted in her blog about weird coincidences recently and that reminded me that the only time I watched "Masters of Sex".  I don't know why I watched it, we don't watch too much television anymore.  It didn't talk about narcissism and I was not awakened yet.  

This one episode had this young girl always getting pregnant then always having to get abortions. Eventually her mother ordered her sterilized and the young girl actually signed the papers for it. When the doctor told her she may want kids some day and just use birth control, she said she would always get pregnant by some guy and couldn't stop it she needed the procedure now.  And the mother was insisting on it.

This reminded me of mother wanting to have me sterilized even though I didn't have the same problem as this girl.  This girl seemed to have a case of attachment to every guy she sees and couldn't stop it.  The show ended with the girl actually getting sterilized.

I think the connection is clear.  How an engulfing narcissist mother will cause a great deal of attachment on her child so much so that the child can't see her way through.  It is disgusting.

There is no external law governing the case of how a child should be with her mother.  She follows in after the mother (or sociopath).  She can't see a disconnection only suffering which she is used to at this point.  Suffering the child has to fix or live through.

I had a dream last night.  I had a job and I was working.  I was in a new mind since my awakening, but this job was at my last place of employment.  I was asked to return.  It was the same company, but the company moved to my old grade school.  That is why I am thinking of attachment today. Childhood never goes away, it stays with us.  That pain that causes suffering is so deep rooted that nothing can remove it.  I pray and ask God to intervene and make me less attached, but that deliverance hasn't come yet.

I still feel responsible for others suffering and feel the need to help them.  It may not be my fault, but I need to help others feel better.  It is my responsibility to be either a doormat for them and appease them in any what that I can.  There are predators out there waiting for me if I don't do something about it.  I need to do something about the binding tie.

Call it loyalty, devotion, honor.  Call it what you will.  I call it evil.  It is a counterfeit.  It solves no problems, doesn't give to anyone.  It is a case of me being needy to prove that I don't belong to myself.  In a way I was brought up to be ashamed to be a person all by myself.

I blog because it helps me find the answers that I know that lay hidden deep inside me.  It is not helping this time.  That is unfortunate.  This is another journey that I'm on.

Perhaps if I back up a bit here.  What if I'm still believing all the evil?   Mother doesn't wish me well. She only wants to see me hurt, she has told me that.  To her I don't exist.  She has taught me not to exist, I'm not supposed to exist.  As much as I'd like to think she is worried about me right now, she doesn't care.  She is a malignant narcissist.  A parasite, an evil entity.  This has no place in a good society.

Instead of acting on those feelings, I need to be feeling them.  You know, I've found Buddha's statement in a relationship site I attend to all the time.  Lower down in the comment section I found a comment by a lady and here is what she said, "Think I have the pattern of safety through abuse". Going in line with what Buddha said its letting me know that I'm using the abuse to keep me safe. Does that make sense?  This is hard.  I'll have to try to make things more clear.  Acting like a doormat has kept me safe till now.  Going back to what I was saying earlier about me being needy, I am needy about being safe.

Ok, I'm not going to explain that one further.  It makes sense.  What I need to do is figure out how to feel safe without abuse.  OM Gosh, this is so hard.  A compromised nervous system is locking me down.  I can't convince myself that I'll be safe without the abuse.  Scary.  I should be finding this exciting and exhilarating.  I think the key here is to lock in to my spirit of adventure.  Austin Stevens has fear.  I've seen his programs.  He has said that the fear is worth the outcome.  

I used to read stuff about not having a victim mentality.  This is not for ACON's however I used to read them thinking I was the same as everyone else and I was unable to tap into that.  I am a victim without emotional resources to back me up. All I have is knowledge and I'm learning the skills, but I don't have that from my formative years.  I have to pick up on them now.  But emotions run the show and I don't have those resources.  I hope to someday grow stronger in this, as many ACON'S have. This is why I love Anna Valerious' blog. She is still available, but she is not blogging she has decided she has enough about talking about narcissists and she wants to go on with her life.  I don't despise that, in fact I love it.  Wow, recovery. This is good news for me, there is hope.

My Rite of Passage

Last night I heard someone say something that totally drives me insane!  Someone said, "Oh, so and so is a good person because he was brought up well".  I had to go through all the stages of grief over that one.  Ok, lets all get angry and pissed off over that one.  I hate it when people do that.  I even heard "I'm a good person because I come from a good family".  When I think of invalidating an ACON I think of that.  All  my emotions seethe, and it just makes me feel like a pile of dirt.  Like I'm a nobody because no one cared about me.  Momma don't love you thus you aren't worth anything.  I feel like I got abused all over again.  And that person who said that had no idea who they were talking to.  They don't know about ACON's and our awakening and survival.  There was no malicious intent in that comment.  I still felt like a pile of dirt, but I am actually a good person who survived to tell the story.

It is even hard for me to accept that I won't be going to mother's funeral or death bed when the time comes.  She doesn't care about me but I still feel a sense of obligation.   I owe it to myself to not go, and she owes it to me.  Funerals are about the living, but I don't care about them either.  This is not about sticking it to them, this is about survival.  I have earned the rite of passage to validate myself. Yes, this thing called abuse really did happen.  I'm not going to pretend that it didn't. The others do what they needed to do to survive, and so am I.  I did not neglect mother, I am doing what I need to do.  I need to validate myself and my children.  I'm sure mother if she had a right mind would agree with this.

Ok, I sort of do blame them.  To me, they were parasites as well, needing someone to feed their sense of stupidity.  

I don't feel mother doesn't even deserve the resources given to her.  She has everything, healthcare, an affordable home, an income that is stable, surely many people deserve that but don't get it.  I keep thinking about people in third world countries who have no stability for their own children, we see the commercials.  How about their elderly, what becomes of them when they need healthcare?  I bet they get nothing, and if I could have everything my way, every good person would have these resources and leave the narcissists without.  Mother has a sense she deserves everything, has this entitlement mentality.  She hasn't given anything, just taken.  If she had it her way she would have taken from everyone and left everyone destitute.  Only her law matters and she feels the right to do what she wants.

I don't believe in a sense of entitlement.  If you want something, you go get it.  Don't let anything stop you from accomplishing what you want.  But don't despise the very giving that is the result of your getting.  You were fortunate and you are not special as a result of being born in a good family.  We are only the result of goodness and caring from someone giving us a chance.  It might be a coworker, a friend, a boss and if you are really very fortunate, you'll have a family to spend Christmas with for the rest of your life.  But as ACON's everyone let us down.  I'm not about blaming others for it.  I certainly take that risk of sounding like it, but I really never want to do that.  I am not owed anything I understand that.  I have never asked for anything that I never had a right to.  I have gone over in my heart about a sense of entitlement.  If there was anything in this world I wanted I would have gotten it but I was born attached to a giant parasite that sucked the life out of me.  I didn't want anything that I didn't earn.  I needed to prove myself all my life.  Help me understand that by not believing in yourself you will survive.  I needed to at least have a self, but what the evil engulfing narcissist does is that she attaches entirely to your identity.  It owns you, and it makes you believe it owns you.  I was a scapegoat for all her behaviours,  I even needed to shut down permanently my real self to give her all that.  This is what I was born into.  This was not right.

There might have been some great scientists or powerful people among us. Never to find out what gifts lie within us, and just surviving instead.  I know I did.  And I know we are pretty amazing people now.  I dream to meet an ACON in real life who is awake and aware.  

Mother despises everything, nothing is ever good enough even her own children.  She enjoys having everything at her disposal, yet it is not enough.  Enjoy every aspect of your life, even the simple things. I can't express this enough.  There was once a time I was working and trying, never even imagining the limitations I was forced into from birth.  Once I found out I hated mother, and I feel she deserves nothing.  She has only caused great grief for generations to come.  Maybe you think our parents don't owe us anything.  That, even if it were true, would not fit for an ACON. It's not that our parent's didn't give us anything, they fed on us.  They took what God gave and destroyed it.

For me, life as an ACON has never allowed me to explore the possibilities of life that I could have. To feel that sense of security that I belonged to myself and could do anything that I wanted.  This was all taken from me by horrible and mean spite.  I literally spent my whole life running from one disaster to another.  I was always in a state of emergency, from an abusive husband to a woman's shelter where I would be abused there.  There is one woman's shelter (how I wish I could name it and the city) the year was 1991.  They told me my kids were bad and I was horrible.  I wish I could just make a post trashing that place.  Disclosing it all.

The next husband stayed in bed for 20 years and when he was up and awake he was all about putting his dirt on me and blaming me for everything.  Maybe you say I can't blame mother for all that, but I don't care what you say.  To me, there was another part of me that was buried alive I spent forever trying to reach.  A part of me that somehow still knew everything that was happening to me was all wrong and I could fix it in a heartbeat if I knew how.  But I couldn't stop it, I intended to, but all my good intentions went into the toilet.  

I always had a dream, call it a fantasy.  A good life where everything was not perfect but I could go through stuff and not be scared.  I would stand up to people.  I would make changes.  I would say what I wanted to say and be confident about it come hell or high water.  I would just love to be spontaneous.  To have that feeling of whatever happens, its fine,  It would be a delicious feeling and I can actually feel like that in my mind at some point.  But I can't seem to grab ahold of it. To run through life never giving a #@*# about anything.  Still caring for people, my career would be about improving the state of the world.  That was always my dream I've been chasing.  To do that I would have to stand up to a lot and to feel okay about it.  

The only thing I have to be certain that mother is a malignant narcissist is "You are Mine" and she told me a couple years ago she loved to see me miserable and upset, that it made her feel good. She was pressuring me at the time over some much needed things I needed to do in my life, and I was trying but my life was falling apart, and then she said,"I like it when you go all nuts". I get malignant because she was causing me to feel pressure thus she was a predator. That and some silent treatment, while I was growing up. That one is easy to remember.

If I took one single memory of my mother that alone that would give me the rite of passage to go no contact with her, it is this. When I was 17, I sort of got a few hickey's from a guy.  I got stuck in a moment of feeling great and important to someone that I allowed him to give me a hickey.  Ok, a few hickey's, maybe a few more than that, I really have sensitive skin.  Mother made a huge deal about it. She told my brothers and anyone who would listen, then when I tried to go to school the next day with a scarf.  She made me take the scarf off.  And even made me wear a low cut top. "Show everyone the whore you are".  (thinking back about it I was actually glad to take off the scarf and show momma I was happy to do her bidding even though I knew I would have a horrible day, but I was all about pleasing her).  So I went to high school where I didn't have any friends, because I was weird, with a bunch of hickeys.  The teachers used to respect me, but that was gone now.  The students were teasing me badly.  By ten o'clock that morning I was so over it, but I had to go the whole day.  It was horrible.  Sometime in the afternoon, a girl approached me and told me it was cool, no need to be embarrassed, they are just jealous.  I know she meant well, she was a real normal person and was trying to make me feel better about it, but I knew then that it wasn't cool, I didn't like it, this wasn't me.  It is amazing I found some really good people in life who actually try to make things better in this world.  There are people like that girl.  Oh why didn't I just find a scarf somewhere, but I was afraid of disobeying mother even if she wasn't around.

I was over the hickeys and over the guy who gave them to me, and I had a horrible day.  If you think mother was justified because I did a bad thing, let me ask you a couple of questions.  Have you ever screwed up really bad, and I do mean really bad?  Is it not ok to make mistakes?  And learn from them?  Most of my behavior was good but that don't stop a MN "parent" from making your life a living hell.

No.  It wasn't my personality to have those hickeys, I just got caught up in a moment then I was over it.  I think I allowed it to happen because the boy made me feel something that I needed and I feel angry to this day, my mother not protecting me, like she promised.  So, I guess she felt it was good discipline, the bitch when I got home was in a different mood and wouldn't even talk about it.  She was all happy.  I was miserable.  Narc supply!  Yum.  That bitch.

Of course it was not a good thing for me to do to get all caught up with the guy, and I should have known better. Now I'm a mom, I know what it would be like if my daughter did that.  But never in a million years would I have turned her into a public spectacle, it would have been impossible, my heart doesn't allow for that no matter how angry I would have gotten.  Sometimes its a parent's job to protect their children from themselves even.  Those kids and teachers in school thought I was showing off the hickeys because my lack of coverage.  I didn't know how to act at school that day, it was terrible.  One screw up and I paid through the nose.

You might say it was good for mother to do what she did.  She was teaching me a lesson.  Then I would call you crazy.  She spent my whole life up till that time to make me feel like I don't exist. So at the age of seventeen it was to totally obliterate me.  I think that event scarred me the most.  I fear people, always feel so stupid, its hard for me to stand up to others.  Food for predators.

I fear I will die before her, in some accident or something, and she attends my funeral.  That would give her too much pleasure and that's why I'm staying alive.  And my job now is to write and write till I can look that mean bitch in the face and tell her to #@*# off.